Unsuitable

[tomoffing]

I knit in stitches of sixes and fives
With threads unspooled from eager eyes.
By hand each strand is loosed then tethered.
I wrap, they wind, become tangled, alive
In patterns fashioned and woven together.

Perchance I arrive at a sock or a hat,
A slightly useful reward for my tat;
I, emboldened, will make an attempt
At a garment more detailed, an outfit that
Complete would meet both need and intent.

But once my needles begin to click
Zig zags extend into hems too thick
And all I have sewn is a fraying knot,
For socks I can darn or buttons affix
But seamstress or tailor I surely am not.


___
Any and all feedback greatly appreciated,
Thanks

[Flying Pig]

This is great, you can really feel like in the picture
I tripped at the lines
"At a garment more detailed, an outfit that
Complete would meet both need and intent. "
though, it doesn´t flow as nicely as the rest!

[ellajam]

Hi, t, welcome.

I'm really enjoying this, especially S1, it is intricate and elegant. While the story proceeds (and I like where it goes), the wordplay loses a little steam.

Here are a few thoughts I had while reading.

I knit in stitches of sixes and fives
With threads unspooled from eager eyes. "from" stopped me, maybe "with"?
By hand each strand is loosed then tethered. beautiful line
I wrap, they wind, become tangled, alive
In patterns fashioned and woven together.

Perchance I arrive at a sock or a hat,Although technically "perchance" may be fine here, the feel of it didn't suit me for a skill
A slightly useful reward for my tat;
I, emboldened, will make an attempt
At a garment more detailed, an outfit that
Complete would meet both need and intent.

But once my needles begin to click nice speed in these three lines
Zig zags extend into hems too thick
And all I have sewn is a fraying knot,
For socks I can darn or buttons affix but you've created a sock above, and affix doesn't work, IMO
But seamstress or tailor I surely am not.






___
Any and all feedback greatly appreciated,
Thanks

While I understand your conclusion of a skill is not always a craft, nor a craft an art, I think you can do better with those last two lines.

Thanks so much for posting this, I found it a lovely read.

[tomoffing]

Thanks for the input folks, you've highlighted all the elements i had problems with myself. I work on these and take another shot.

[tomoffing]

Revision 1

I knit in stitches of sixes and fives
With threads unspooled through eager eyes.
By hand each strand is loosed then tethered.
I wrap, they wind, become tangled, alive
In patterns fashioned and woven together.

Supposing I arrive at a scarf or a hat,
A slightly useful reward for my tat,
I, emboldened, will make an attempt
At more aptly cut apparel, craftwork that
Complete would neatly meet stated intent.

But once my needles begin to click
Zig zags extend into hems too thick,
I've managed only to sew a fraying knot.
My thimble less thumbs, blood-smudged and pricked,
Show the tools of a tailor I've not got.


Thanks for your input again folks,
I've reworked things a bit based on your suggestions.
Any thoughts appreciated.