I speak to my self
knowing that the zombies
are just like everybody else
I sit quietly observing
the people surrounding me
not knowing
sickened by evil
who am i to turn to
i hate the deceitful
realizing that i am my own pupil
I found my savior
and in returned showed me to his people
for I was never truly alone
I had God
Goodbye evil
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(07-19-2013, 01:15 AM)bpwill23 Wrote: I speak to my self myself
knowing that the zombies
are just like everybody else how so?
I sit quietly observing you could lose quietly from this line and the meaning hardly changes, even though you were just speaking to yourself.
the people surrounding me
not knowing I think you can word these last two lines better. Don't just tell, show
sickened by evil
who am i to turn to I
i hate the deceitful I
realizing that i am my own pupil I
I found my savior
and in returned showed me to his people If you are your own pupil but found God as the savior then I have no idea what you're trying to say.
for I was never truly alone
I had God
Goodbye evil Weak ending
I'm curious about the inconstancy of the capitalization of the word "I". For a poem like this, you could use more imagery about the zombies, where you were observing from, some sort of setting. I wasn't sure if you were home alone in a house, a graveyard, a park, or if you were the last man alive after the zombie apocalypse or any idea of environment and surroundings. If you were alone, (because God wouldn't be there tangibly) I would think you would be paying extra attention to your surrounding, there's no people to keep you distracted and you'd probably wanna watch your back with zombies around.
I never highlight my flaws or deficits
Because none of that will matter when death visits
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(07-19-2013, 01:15 AM)bpwill23 Wrote: I speak to my self Why?
knowing that the zombies Are we talking 21st century sci-fi zombies? Philosophical zombies? There isn't much detail on the setting, so it's hard to relate to the rest of the poem
are just like everybody else How were they supposed to be different?
I sit quietly observing Why?
the people surrounding me Are we talking about people, or zombies here?
not knowing Not knowing what?
sickened by evil
who am i to turn to Punctuation would be good here, to separate this line from the next.
i hate the deceitful
realizing that i am my own pupil I don't understand how this line, or the rest of the poem really, connects with the first part of the poem
I found my savior
and in returned showed me to his people The grammar here is making it hard to understand the idea
for I was never truly alone
I had God
Goodbye evil Would work better as a separate line from this stanza, otherwise the ideas don't flow together
Overall, not too bad. The idea that a dependance on God saves us from evil is clear. Work a bit on trying to create a scene for people to imagine. People by nature work better visually, meaning, if our minds are seeing the same things the words are telling us, the poem is effective. I found whilst reading this my mind was wandering to other topics. Work a bit on finding ways to captivate the reader.
(07-19-2013, 01:15 AM)bpwill23 Wrote: I speak to my self
knowing that the zombies
are just like everybody elseyou make this statement, but you don't tell me why. I picture zombies as very different than regular people. Dead, hungry for human flesh.. so I'd like to know in what way we are alike.
I sit quietly observing
the people surrounding me
not knowingin the first stanza you said "knowing that the zombies..." now you say "not knowing" which seems odd to me and you left it at that. Not knowing what?
sickened by evil
who am i to turn to
i hate the deceitful
realizing that i am my own pupil
I found my savior
and in returned showed me to his people he showed me his people
for I was never truly alone
I had God
Goodbye evil
I think I get the idea. Feeling alone, not sure who to turn to, finding God ? Could use some work explaining some parts though.
- Jenn
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What evil were you contending with here, and who were the zombies? What did God do for you to remove these evil zombie bastards, and how were you made aware of his omnipresence?
Like Kierkegard said: if an angel calls you on the phone, how do you know it's an angel?
A coming to faith moment should be way more powerful than this. I've not had one as of yet, but I imagine there will be bursting imagery with unicorns or something. You need to delve, dude
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So, if I got it right:
"I have no friends cause everyone else sucks. Then I found religion, so now I hang out with Christians"?
That's cool, I guess. You can probably go a lot deeper. Also, punctuation would help.
My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings:
Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!
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The use of the term zombies in the first stanza, while it does create a vivid image, takes away from the meaning of the poem. In this context you may want to use a different word as not to distract from the rest of the poem.
I'm a new member, interested in getting some feedback from an old poem, so I may be wrong, but to me it's about rhythm. This line would roll off my mental tongue if it were "everyone" not "everybody"... but I do like the image of body in context
are just like everybody else
are just like everyone else
The zombies created a really strong image for me and I was interested to find out more. Were they actual horror film zombies or just people trapped in to the day to day mundane of going to work each day etc. I wasn't clear what the evil was or where it was coming from or how you felt about it.
I speak to my self
As opposed to anyone else's self. You could have went for a my-self, which would have been ugly, or a myself, which may have had a slightly less subtle definition.
knowing that the zombies
are just like everybody else
Including you, or excluding you: since they're all the same anyway. I know what you mean, but you don't.
I sit quietly observing
the people surrounding me
not knowing
I don't know, you don't know, or they don't know? None? But your self?
sickened by evil
Zombies are beyond good and evil. Unless they are ghouls or voodoo zombies guided by evil; but that's something else.
who am i to turn to
i hate the deceitful
realizing that i am my own pupil
I found my savior
and in return showed me to his people
You are the savior? And his people are your people?
for I was never truly alone
I had God
Goodbye evil
You are God? You had him all along. Or you aren't God, and you sold out to the emasculating muse?
No I'm just joshing you.
(07-19-2013, 01:15 AM)bpwill23 Wrote: I speak to my self
knowing that the zombies
are just like everybody else A very powerful intro, however I do suggest that you add more adjectives.
I sit quietly observing
the people surrounding me
not knowing Great stanza!
sickened by evil
who am i to turn to
i hate the deceitful
realizing that i am my own pupil
I found my savior
and in returned showed me to his people
for I was never truly alone
I had God
Goodbye evil
I notice that the poem is about religion, although there is nothing with it, I do suggest that in religious poem that you should more subtle about it.
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It seems like this poem has a few near-rhymes in it. I assume that is on purpose. My own humble advice would be to either rhyme consistently or not at all, and if you do rhyme don't use so many near-rhymes. IDK what the technical term for them is, and I'm just starting out with poetry but they sound out of place to me.
I speak to my self - myself
knowing that the zombies
are just like everybody else - how so ?
I sit quietly observing - Why?
the people surrounding me
not knowing - what ?
sickened by evil
who am i to turn to
i hate the deceitful
realizing that i am my own pupil - How is this connected with the first 2 stanzas ?
I found my savior
and in returned showed me to his people
for I was never truly alone
I had God
Goodbye evil
Should probably add some rhythm to it, it doesn't really flow when reading your poem...
[/quote]
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I speak to my self (myself - what do you speak about?)
knowing that the zombies (I would leave out "the")
are just like everybody else
I sit quietly observing
the people surrounding me
not knowing (I'm not sure what you are not knowing)
sickened by evil
who am i to turn to
i hate the deceitful (are the deceitful the zombies?)
realizing that i am my own pupil
I found my savior (does this mean that you and the savior are one?)
and in returned showed me to his people
for I was never truly alone
I had God (Is this the god of the zombies, too?)
Goodbye evil
(think carefully about what you want to say to your reader and then try to make that a little clearer. I think getting a particular message across is very difficult. There is of course room for subjective interpretation but this may be a bit too loose. Will look for edited version! Thanks) Would have written edit suggestions in bold but can't figure out how to do it 
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