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10-26-2013, 10:58 AM
(This post was last modified: 10-27-2013, 09:14 PM by Todd.)
Revision 2
Life isn't an appetite to fill,
but a mystery to solve. Our windows
are rolled up, and we can’t see
through this fog. We mistake
a cheese and pickle pizza
covered in Scooby snacks
for metaphor. I don’t eat
for hunger, not since the galloping ghost.
I felt the rubber seam against his neck,
pulled off the mask, and wondered:
if I have a seam, and why
Fred wears an ascot. When I am
holding a chicken leg
my hand cannot stray. Perhaps,
I have gotten away with it.
~~~
Revision
Life isn't an appetite to fill,
but a mystery to solve. You see
a cheese and pickle pizza
covered in Scooby snacks,
and mistake it for metaphor.
I don't eat for hunger,
not since the galloping ghost.
I felt the rubber seam against his neck,
pulled off the mask, and wondered:
if I have a seam, and why
Fred wears an ascot. When I
am holding a chicken leg
my hand cannot stray. Perhaps,
I have gotten away with it.
~~~
Original
Life isn't a mystery to solve,
but an appetite to fill. You see
a cheese and pickle pizza
covered in Scooby snacks,
and mistake it for metaphor.
I don't eat for hunger,
not since the galloping ghost.
I felt the rubber seam against his neck,
pulled off the mask, and wondered:
if I have a seam, and why
Fred wears an ascot. When I
am holding a chicken leg
my hand cannot stray. Perhaps,
I have gotten away with it.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
Posts: 48
Threads: 8
Joined: Oct 2013
Todd, this is a very evocative, expressive piece. I think that the bulk of it strays from the theme promised by the opening line, by virtue of the opacity of many of the images, which is honestly disappointing. Then again, this is the "poetry for fun" section, and I certainly had fun with it. Quite a zany ride. 
“Poetry is mother-tongue of the human race; as gardening is older than agriculture; painting than writing; song than declamation; parables,—than deductions; barter,—than trade”
― Johann Hamann
Posts: 2,359
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Joined: Oct 2010
Let me ask you, does the poem work better if I do this to the opening (thinking about your point):
Life isn't an appetite to fill,
but a mystery to solve.
I actually think it does, and it surprises me that I didn't see it.
Thanks,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
Posts: 48
Threads: 8
Joined: Oct 2013
That changes things quite a bit. The second image now doesn't work quite as well, I think; if life is a mystery, then why shouldn't that sort of pizza be a metaphor? If life is just appetite, however, I can understand it being a mistake.
A little research helped me to get the Fred/Ascot thing; the allusion is to Fred Flintstone. Who is the galloping ghost, though?
A little more "denoatative bedrock" would help this thing to shine. The rhythm is nice, the language is pretty . . . But the meaning takes me in so many different directions.
“Poetry is mother-tongue of the human race; as gardening is older than agriculture; painting than writing; song than declamation; parables,—than deductions; barter,—than trade”
― Johann Hamann
Posts: 2,359
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Joined: Oct 2010
Scooby Doo: Fred the leader of the gang, not Flintstone.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
Posts: 48
Threads: 8
Joined: Oct 2013
(10-27-2013, 07:44 PM)Todd Wrote: Scooby Doo: Fred the leader of the gang, not Flintstone.
Ok! That lends a whole different light to the poem.
As much as I grew up on SD, I had no idea of Shaggy's name, first or last.
That I didn't get any of this points to at least two possibilities:
1. I'm a lousy, inattentive reader, or
2. You could stand to put in maybe a single more obvious clue as to the source from which you're drawing. Mention something that can't be mistaken: the mystery machine, another character (velma, daphne, etc.)
I leave it to you to conclude what's what, but the truth is probably somewhere between these two possibilities.
“Poetry is mother-tongue of the human race; as gardening is older than agriculture; painting than writing; song than declamation; parables,—than deductions; barter,—than trade”
― Johann Hamann
Posts: 2,359
Threads: 230
Joined: Oct 2010
10-27-2013, 08:17 PM
(This post was last modified: 10-27-2013, 08:32 PM by Todd.)
Do Scooby snacks not get us there? Should I italicize it?
Oh, and no I don't think you're an inattentive reader. If you don't see the reference like everyone else you work to get there. Your first comments moved the poem forward (in my opinion). I think you uncovered a serious flaw.
Thanks again
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
Posts: 48
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Joined: Oct 2013
Todd, you should think so! For me, apparently not.
Glad the comments helped. If I can offer one more piece of critique: indefinite reference in the final line. Gotten away with what?
All in all, though, the poem becomes much more fun, meaningful and funny now that I see what was intended. The idea of Shaggy pontificating upon his existence is just hilarious to begin with.
P.S. I should think a vague allusion to marijuana usage might add something. The cartoon was funny that way. Any adult who watched it perhaps knew that Shaggy and Scooby were lazy stoners with a bad case of the munchies. Most children would have been lost on the idea.
Best,
James
“Poetry is mother-tongue of the human race; as gardening is older than agriculture; painting than writing; song than declamation; parables,—than deductions; barter,—than trade”
― Johann Hamann
Posts: 2,359
Threads: 230
Joined: Oct 2010
10-27-2013, 08:59 PM
(This post was last modified: 10-27-2013, 09:14 PM by Todd.)
Marijuana is a great idea. I'll see what I can do.
I was referencing the final line to the final scene in I think every Scooby Doo. They unmask the ghost he's "Old Man Harper" or something. Harper says to no one in particular: "And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for those meddling kids."
So as long as the mask stays on, they're getting away with it.
New revision up.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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