The Check-Out

[tigrflye]

Edit 2.7 (milo/todd/billy/chris/ryan)

Her short black skirt was inches from
revealing more than thigh,
while bent to find the coins she dropped. 
His mouth betrayed a sigh,

enough hot breath to fog a glass. 
It made a sickness stem
inside my chest to spy his eyes 
attack the flimsy hem. 

A sudden smirk appeared, she turned 
and accidentally pressed 
her overflowing bosom up 
against my husband's chest.

My jaw unhinged. I thought my bulging
eyes could take no more.
That's when he had audacity
to touch that filthy whore. 

Their giggles burst a vessel somewhere
deep inside my brain. 
I twirled to face a gentleman,
leading with his cane,

"My husband likes to flirt; I know
he thinks I shouldn't mind.
I'm wondering if, for revenge,
you'd like to fuck me blind?"


Edit 1((chris/todd/ryan Thank you))

Her short black skirt was inches from revealing more than thigh,
while bent to find the coins she dropped. His mouth betrayed a sigh,
enough hot breath to fog a glass. It made a sickness stem
inside my chest to spy his eyes attack the flimsy hem.
A nasty smirk appeared, she turned and accidentally pressed
her overflowing bosom up against my husband's chest.
My jaw unhinged. I thought my bulging eyes could take no more.
That's when he had audacity to touch that filthy whore.
Their giggling burst a vessel somewhere deep inside my brain.
I twirled to face a gentleman, leaning on his cane,
"My husband likes to flirt with every harlot he can find.
I'm wondering if, for revenge, you'd like to fuck me blind?"

Original:

Her short black skirt was inches from revealing more than thigh,
while bent to find the coins she dropped. His mouth betrayed a sigh;
enough hot breath to fog a glass. It made a sickness stem
inside my chest to spy his eyes attack the flimsy hem.
A nasty smirk appeared, she turned and accidently pressed
her overflowing bosom up against my husband's chest.
My jaw unhinged. I thought my bulging eyes could take no more.
That's when he had audacity to touch that filthy whore.
Their giggling burst a vessel somewhere deep inside my brain.
I twirled to face a gentleman, leaning on his cane,
"My husband's game to flirt with just whatever he can find.
I'm wondering if, for revenge, you'd like to fuck me blind?"

[FatalBanana]

This is well written and I really enjoyed the brutal honesty. Well done

[Todd]

This is well written and I really enjoyed the brutal honesty. Well done

This is a good start, but we need more specifics in serious critique. Please elaborate more on the poem. /admin

[ChristopherSea]

This is probably the first poem that I have ever read on site where use of the F-word sounds appropriate and genuine, so bravo for that! Often our eyes stray, but our hearts can remain true! I am jealous of that man with the cane though, getting both the view and a propostion for free! Sorry, here's some some more comments:

Her short black skirt was inches from revealing more than thigh,
while bent to find the coins she dropped. His mouth betrayed a sigh; *I would have been down on the floor bobbing for coins!*
enough hot breath to fog a glass. It made a sickness stem
inside my chest to spy his eyes attack the flimsy hem. *I get the intended exageration with 'attack', but 'lift' or something like it would be more suggestive*
A nasty smirk appeared, she turned and accidently pressed
her overflowing bosom up against my husband's chest.
My jaw unhinged. I thought my bulging eyes could take no more. *'bulging' certainly creates an image, but something like 'assaulted' would convey the hurt more*
That's when he had audacity to touch that filthy whore. *potent reaction*
Their giggling burst a vessel somewhere deep inside my brain. *like the aneurysm*
I twirled to face a gentleman, leaning on his cane,
"My husband's game to flirt with just whatever he can find.
I'm wondering if, for revenge, you'd like to fuck me blind?" *the lucky gimp!*

Any suggested word substitutions did not consider your meter, so obviously keep that in mind. I like your poem, nice work! Jenn, your enjambment seems to be chosen for the sole purpose of aligning the end rhymes, but it does work for me. Sometimes you can make breaks to emphasize words and create double entendre, yet still hear the rhymes. For e.g.:

Her short black skirt was inches from revealing
more than thigh,
while bent to find the coins she dropped.
His mouth betrayed a sigh;
enough hot breath to fog a glass. It made a sickness
stem inside my chest to spy his eyes attack
the flimsy hem.

It's something you could experiment with on future works. By the way, my wife let's me look, but only as long as I keep my tongue tucked in my cheek and my hands in my pockets. Well done!/Chris

[Todd]

Hi Jenn,

There was a lot I liked here. You managed to construct a scene that sings with conflict and intensity. While there are always points to work on, you start from the position of strong content.

I love the title. I like that it gives us the setting of the event, as well as the event within the event. Nicely done!

I found this to be a fun read. It was light verse with some heat on it.

Her short black skirt was inches from revealing more than thigh,--The first line pulls us like voyeurs.
while bent to find the coins she dropped. His mouth betrayed a sigh;--I have no issue with the rhyming word choice. There is a part of me that would love if the line broke on betrayed just because it moves really well into the next line without the punctuation, and it fits the content so well. That said, I don't think the semicolon is correct. I don't see the second clause being able to stand alone.
enough hot breath to fog a glass. It made a sickness stem--wonderful image, great phrasing. I like the dual use of who has the sickness (it implies him, until the line break switches it up).
inside my chest to spy his eyes attack the flimsy hem. --stem in the last line is also good because it gives the idea of this attitude blooming within the speaker. I like stem/hem. I also like flimsy hem
A nasty smirk appeared, she turned and accidently pressed--typo: accidentally
her overflowing bosom up against my husband's chest.--funny
My jaw unhinged. I thought my bulging eyes could take no more.--I like how the speaker becomes somewhat monstrous in the hyperbole
That's when he had audacity to touch that filthy whore.
Their giggling burst a vessel somewhere deep inside my brain.--Love this
I twirled to face a gentleman, leaning on his cane,--I think older southern gentlemen for some reason.
"My husband's game to flirt with just whatever he can find. --just is a filler word to accommodate the line. Probably needs a slight rework. It isn't that it doesn't work here, it's just likely a weaker choice than what you could come up with.
I'm wondering if, for revenge, you'd like to fuck me blind?"--Funny ending. Lot of heat on it. Here's what I found interesting, the speaker has a flight/fight response that shifts mid-decision. While I doubt that she intends to go through with her "fuck me blind" declaration. It reveals how she fights. She doesn't take it out on the husband for looking, or the woman for tempting, but she gives kind for kind. It's the little choices that reveal, I found it interesting. Then I went off on a tangent to decide if you could fuck someone blind. I thought of Helen Keller, Tommy by the Who, and then came back to your poem.

Enjoyed this Jenn.

Best,

Todd

[RyanRader13]

First off, Tigrflye you always manage to surprise me whether its an interesting twist on a common theme or your approving feedback on my nastiness, I have to say this is another job well done. I like the imagery and the way it flows. Everyone reading gets a crystal clear image of the scene in their head. My favorite moment was the phrase "his mouth betrayed a sigh," I honestly can say I have no clue why but it just tickled my senses. I agree with Todd the word just in the second to last line throws it off really akwardly, I think there could be some way to move something around or switch it out to make it much stronger, maybe rephrase it and change the order and see if you find someting you like. Good poem, I have to say my first impression came from your flower poem so this was a very different turn from what I would imagine. keep it up

[Todd]

Hi Jenn,

A couple minor points on the edit.

Edit ((Thank you))
Her short black skirt was inches from revealing more than thigh,
while bent to find the coins she dropped. His mouth betrayed a sigh,
enough hot breath to fog a glass. It made a sickness stem
inside my chest to spy his eyes attack the flimsy hem.
A nasty smirk appeared, she turned and accidentally pressed--I didn't call this out earlier because it didn't occur to me then. The first phrase here is in passive voice. It might work better shifting the phrasing to active voice.
her overflowing bosom up against my husband's chest.
My jaw unhinged. I thought my bulging eyes could take no more.
That's when he had audacity to touch that filthy whore.
Their giggling burst a vessel somewhere deep inside my brain.
I twirled to face a gentleman, leaning on his cane,
"My husband likes to flirt with every harlot he can find.--This is an improvement but after you've brought out filthy whore this has less impact. I'd keep looking for a suitable substitute.
I'm wondering if, for revenge, you'd like to fuck me blind?"

Just things to consider.

Best,

Todd

[tigrflye]

Jenn, your enjambment seems to be chosen for the sole purpose of aligning the end rhymes, but it does work for me. Sometimes you can make breaks to emphasize words and create double entendre, yet still hear the rhymes. For e.g.:

Her short black skirt was inches from revealing
more than thigh,
while bent to find the coins she dropped.
His mouth betrayed a sigh;
enough hot breath to fog a glass. It made a sickness
stem inside my chest to spy his eyes attack
the flimsy hem.

Chris

Question, I have 7 feet from rhyme to rhyme. So can I break it up like this.. is that acceptable? Or if I start with 4feet, 3, 4.. should I stick with it? Can I break in the middle of an iamb? I need rules!
Her short black skirt was inches from revealing
more than thigh,
while bent to find the coins she dropped.
His mouth betrayed a sigh,
enough hot breath to fog a glass.
It made a sickness stem
inside my chest to spy his eyes
attack the flimsy hem.

A nasty smirk appeared, she turned
and accidentally pressed
her overflowing bosom
up against my husband's chest.
My jaw unhinged. I thought my bulging
eyes could take no more.
That's when he had audacity to touch
that filthy whore.

Their giggling burst a vessel
somewhere deep inside my brain.
I twirled to face a gentleman,
leaning on his cane,
"My husband likes to flirt
with every harlot he can find.
I'm wondering if, for revenge,
you'd like to fuck me blind?"


Todd,
Your crit was as good as the poem. Ha. Thank you. You are right about the "just" being lazy. And the semi colon.
I liked all the ways "fuck me blind" could be taken.. 1. Thoroughly. 2. So she didnt have to see what her husband was up to. 3. I gave the guy a cane.. incase he was blind.

Ryan,
Thanks. I tried to change that 2nd to last line a bit. I appreciate the feedback.

[Todd]

Hi Jenn,

I'm still trying to think how you can make the man obviously blind without calling out a white cane, because that would be an ironic twist.

I know I already commented on the edit above, but I noticed your discussion in the line thread. I actually like the long length of the lines in this one. I don't know if it would be served breaking this like one might a free verse poem. If milo takes up the challenge and comes up with something great. I just wouldn't be too quick to shorten those lines.

Just an opinion of course.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

hi tigre.

it has a sonnet quality about it but i suspect its just the iambs
i mentioned the bulging eye cliche below but i wouldn't remove it as it does work well. i enjoyed the poem's sexy postcard quality. while the iambs work well, i wonder if now and again if you break an odd line out of the iambic would it make the poem stronger.
i saw your question and it reads fine either way for me. the latter does emphasise the rhythm of the poem but i think if read right the rythm is obvious both ways.

good write.

Edit ((chris/todd/ryan Thank you))

Her short black skirt was inches from revealing more than thigh,
while bent to find the coins she dropped. His mouth betrayed a sigh,
enough hot breath to fog a glass. It made a sickness stem i'm struggling with sickness stem, to me this is saying [it made a sickness stop]
inside my chest to spy his eyes attack the flimsy hem.
A nasty smirk appeared, she turned and accidentally pressed
her overflowing bosom up against my husband's chest.
My jaw unhinged. I thought my bulging eyes could take no more.
That's when he had audacity to touch that filthy whore.
Their giggling burst a vessel somewhere deep inside my brain. a suggestion would be giggles instead of giggling
I twirled to face a gentleman, leaning on his cane,
"My husband likes to flirt with every harlot he can find. harlot seems too puritanical considering some of the language, a suggestion would be something like [slutbox] or something les kind than harlot.
I'm wondering if, for revenge, you'd like to fuck me blind?" i like the double meaning of blind, though fuck me blind is a cliche where i come from. (it's a term of exasperation, a bit like [for fuck sake])

Original:

Her short black skirt was inches from revealing more than thigh,
while bent to find the coins she dropped. His mouth betrayed a sigh;
enough hot breath to fog a glass. It made a sickness stem
inside my chest to spy his eyes attack the flimsy hem.
A nasty smirk appeared, she turned and accidently pressed
her overflowing bosom up against my husband's chest.
My jaw unhinged. I thought my bulging eyes could take no more.
That's when he had audacity to touch that filthy whore.
Their giggling burst a vessel somewhere deep inside my brain.
I twirled to face a gentleman, leaning on his cane,
"My husband's game to flirt with just whatever he can find.
I'm wondering if, for revenge, you'd like to fuck me blind?"

[Todd]

I take it back. I read milo's ballad meter, and it's better that way.

[tigrflye]

Todd, I agree. I am going to change it to Milo's suggestion (if I can ever read it again without singing Gilligan's island though..that's a different problem).
Maybe I can incorporate white cane. .Also.. I'm still trying to work out that passive/active voice nit you pointed out.

Billy, thanks for stopping by and adding your suggestions. I laughed so hard at "slutbox" I almost choked. The 2nd to last line of the poem is giving me the hardest time. Maybe I can find a word somewhere between harlot and slutbox.
Definition of stem that I am using.. to occur or develop as a consequence.
That sucks that fuck me blind is a cliche. Oh well.. I'm keeping it as it is sorta the foundation I wrote the poem around.

[billy]

fuck me blind works well enough not to change what about jockitch instead of slutbox though it's not iambic

slutbox makes a good enough place holder

[Todd]

Jenn,

I've spent a lot of time with this poem now. I think the edit is a big step forward. Here are my remaining call outs:

The break on from in line 1. I can absolutely live with this because the entire thought sounds good. I just wish the thought could survive with a more evocative word to break on for line 1 especially.

"A nasty smirk appeared" is still bugging me for its passive voice. Again something I can live with.

"leaning on his cane", just a minor point here you mentioned that you may have wanted to lightly imply that the man was blind. I realize not necessary for the poem, but funny. I've given this some thought and I could be wrong, but a blind person doesn't use their cane to lean on. They use it to detect obstacles in front of them, or inclines in the street. So the likelihood if you want to go this way subtlety is the man would be holding his cane. Just something to think about.

All of those are minor, the main thing I'd like to address is slutbox, harlot, whatever. Here's the thing the speaker comes off perfectly reasonable with filthy whore. It's a surprising exclamation. It might even need an exclamation point. I think the second slur may say more about the speaker than you want (maybe not). She is basically offering like I said earlier to do more (though I don't think she's serious) than the woman with her husband. She is mostly leaving the husband's behavior alone he's a rutting pig, but that's to be expected. I think the second slur actually demeans your narrator a bit, because it's more calculated.

That said, it's a perfectly reasonable choice for the speaker, and could just be my take.

If that isn't what you want to convey. Maybe strip the slutbox out and focus on the husband so that he can share more in the behavior.

Best,

Todd

[tigrflye]

Todd,

Your nits are my nits. Line 1.. I would like it to break on revealing, but I don't have any other ideas for the first line that I like as much as what is there now. Suggestions are always welcome.

A nasty smirk appeared.. has bugged me since I wrote it. I pictured the woman overhearing his sigh and a smirk of satisfaction flitting over her face. Trying to convey that on meter has been a struggle. "Appeared" is weak and boring..

Leaning on his cane.. I've been playing with "gripping a white cane".. "holding his white cane".. better word than white? "Sunglasses and cane"..

Slutbox.. well, let's see.. this stupid line is killing me. The point of this line for me, is the speaker is setting up the last line. A reason for revenge should be stated .. and it is quoted, so its not a word she would say in her head.. it's said outloud.. (slutbox just rolls off the tongue doesn't it?). I've torn this sentence apart, and haven't been able to put it back together with anything I'm happy with. "My husband's game to flirt with every woman he can find"
And I don't know if the speaker would go through with it or not. I think mostly she is going for shock value, she might be bluffing, but something in her snapped (aneurysm). This is the last straw moment.

Thank you for giving it so much thought.

I definately have not given up. I'm not satisfied with "appeared" or "slutbox" (although slutbox is a lot of fun, especially while singing the Gilligan's island tune with it)

I appreciate it, Jenn

[Todd]

I see you've altered some of the 4-3-4-3 to accommodate the natural fall of the words. I like it. Let's look at an alternative to your last strophe (I went with italics instead of single quotations):

"My husband likes to flirt with that;
he says, I shouldn't mind.
I'm wondering if, for revenge,
you'd like to fuck me blind?"

or perhaps

"My husband always looks for every
set of tits to find.
I'm wondering if, for revenge,
you'd like to fuck me blind?"

or maybe

"My husband always looks to flirt
to this I am resigned.
I'm wondering if, for revenge,
you'd like to fuck me blind?"

Just thoughts

[tigrflye]

Todd,
Thank you for helping.
I think suggestion 1 is getting close. Maybe exactly what you have.
-Jenn

[billy]

great editing so far tygre and i can't see as you can do much more but i have a suggestion for the cane line

leaning on his cane,

leading with his cane
or

reaching with his cane.

[Todd]

Would sudden be a good alternative for nasty. One is an action the other is a bit telling.

[tigrflye]

Todd- It certainly would.. I have been hung up on changing the word "appeared".. there you go, thinking outside the box again! Much thanks

---

Billy - I love "leading with his cane". Love. Thank you. I think it really makes the whole poem so much better by figuring out how to imply the gentleman is blind. I tried..but you really figured it out. Thank you!