Young Man's Call

[ThePinsir]

I've been doing this poetry thing for about a month. I (mostly) stick to blank verse and Shakespearean sonnets because they're fun, and I've never read or studied any contemporary stuff. This one is called "Young Man's Call".
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Version 2.0

Less moons than me had Alex seen before
Adventure called to Hellenize the Earth.
Thus I, full-grown (scarcely a "man"), want more:
To seek, to find, to show the gods my worth.
A call from Menelaus to stir emotion
To break the bough and send me tumbling free.
From Ithica I'll sail my spirit's ocean;
Atlantis' song, from sirens' lips, haunts me.
Perhaps Calypso's Chamber is my cave
Or Charybdis swallows there my soul.
But there will burn in me a fire brave
When I step forth and claim my rightful role.
On destiny, with zeal, I now advance
For in this life there is no second chance.
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ORIGINAL:


"Less moons than me had Alex seen before
Adventure call'd to Hellenize the Earth.
Thus I, full-grown (scarcely a "man"), want more:
To seek, to find, to show the gods my worth.
A call from Menelaus to stir emotion
To break the bough and send me tumbling free.
From Ithica I'll sail my spirit's ocean;
Atlantis' song, from sirens' lips, haunts me.
Perhaps Calypso's Chamber is my cave
Or Charybdis swallows hence my soul.
But there will burn in me a fire brave
When I step forth and claim my rightful role.
On destiny, with zeal, I now advance
For in this life there is no second chance."
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Edit: I don't know why the spaces on the last couplet aren't showing...

[tigrflye]

Hi Pinsir,
Thanks for the read. I really enjoyed it and I think you have a nice easy rythm. To me, this reads like a coming of age kinda story.. look at all these tales of greatness and excitement. I'm ready for mine.
A lot of mythology.. which isn't necessarily my forte.
I've also been informed that only psuedo-poets capitalize each line. If it doesn't start a new sentence, leave it lowercase.
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Less moons than me had Alex seen before
Adventure call'd to Hellenize the Earth.
Thus I, full-grown (scarcely a "man"), want more:slight contradiction? Fully grown but scarcely a man.
To seek, to find, to show the gods my worth.I think the list "to seek, to find, to show" is wordy.
A call from Menelaus to stir emotion
To break the bough and send me tumbling free.I like the visual
From Ithica I'll sail my spirit's ocean;
Atlantis' song, from sirens' lips, haunts me.
Perhaps Calypso's Chamber is my cave
Or Charybdis swallows hence my soul.hence? As in "therefore"? Ergo? To me it reads like you are saying " Or a sea monster swallows for this reason my soul"
But there will burn in me a fire bravethis has been said before. I'd rather something more fresh
When I step forth and claim my rightful role.
On destiny, with zeal, I now advance
For in this life there is no second chance.
----------

Edit: I don't know why the spaces on the last couplet aren't showing...

-Jenn

[ThePinsir]

tigrflye:

the "scarcely a man" bit is because I'm 23, yet I have no wife or kids, I'm not in the military, and don't have any REAL responsibility. So while I'm indeed fully grown, I'm not so sure one would call me a "man". Does that make sense?

Also, I think "hence" was supposed to be "thence". Honestly, I just needed another syllable lol.


As for everything else, I appreciate the input!

[SirBrendan]

Wow, someone really took a shining to their Homer. I'm really digging the poem. It's really very different than anything I'd ever do (I like Ginsberg, not Virgil) so it's hard to even get my head around it--it's a good thing.

I feel like you could actually expand this, to touch on the cooler parts of the story. For example, you just brushed the final return and climax with "when I step forth and claim my rightful role"; the poem assumes I already know what the reference is. Instead, I want you to show me how you and your son stomp some ass. I want you to explain to me how you laid your love on the trunk of a tree you built your home around.

You very obviously know what you're doing, and have a clear love for the subject matter, so expand on why these images excite you.

Also, a quick by the by:
"Perhaps Calypso's Chamber is my cave
Or Charybdis swallows hence my soul."
You already caught that the line doesn't make sense, unless your soul is the result of Charybdis' swallowing; I'd switch it to 'there'

Otherwise, the poem shows some very strong promise and has a great anachronistic tone--well done.

[ThePinsir]

It's hard to REALLY expand in a 14 line poem, and I couldn't possibly hope to allude to ALL of the boss parts of Homer in a sonnet...so I left it pretty vague. But maybe I could make a mini-series or something.

Thanks for the idea!

[ChristopherSea]

Ronnie, It's great to hear your calling and be enabled to disembark on your personal odyssey. You picked the ultimate metaphor for such a journey. I won't bother to critique your sonnet on form, as I am no expert on classical lyrical forms, iams and such. However, we do have some great sonneteers on site, especially Leanne and Milo, amongst others. I will say that your opening line is a bit awkward in phrasing and should be stronger. Also, I am not certain why you use the contraction call'd as it remains one syllable. That could be my own ignorance. Atlantis' reads as Atlantis's for me and that throws off the meter. The 'whirlpool swallowing therefore my soul' needs work. There are some other bumps, but I love all of the references herein. Let's hope one of the Pros stops by to give you feedback and better advice, but you have some edits to work on. See what you think. Cheers and welcome!/Chris

[ThePinsir]

I edited the OP to clear up that "thence" bit. I'll work on the opening line, too; I know it's a bit choppy. I'm trying to say that Alexander the Great was younger than I am now when he started to turn the world on its head. That realization is what drove me to write this.

Version 2.1 coming soon...
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^ My name's not Ronnie. Ronnie Coleman is an 8x Mr. Olympia, pretty much the greatest bodybuilder of all time. A real hero of mine. My sig is just one of his quotes.