snake

[Bunx]

Senior snake, the old and wise
may I take your council free of demise?

Or will you take what I have to say
as a tasty surprise?

Will I meet your demise?

Sorry senior, my eyes are burning
harshly from the sun.

Snake, out in the desert I can't
smell what is food or rot.

How do you survive in this
death like place?

Rise, said the snake.
In the desert
every treat you must take.

Fake or otherwise a lie can be
history or demise.

I am just a hungry desert snake
if you thrive on lies,
ill be your demise.

I don't lie I just slither
on by, looking for those things,
where weak resides.

Things that tickle my belly inside.

[Malu]

Senior snake, the old and wise How old and wise? Two years old? A thousand years old? Elementary school education? PhD?
may I take your council free of demise?

Or will you take what I have to say
as a tasty surprise?

Will I meet your demise?

Sorry senior, my eyes are burning
harshly from the sun. Where did the rhyming go? and Why are your eyes burning from the sun, as in what do you mean by that?

Snake, out in the desert I can't
smell what is food or rot. This did not read very well.

How do you survive in this
death like place? I wonder how death like? Senior citizen home? Graveyard? Or hell?

Rise, said the snake.
In the desert We got the setting earlier (although it's not a clear one) no need to restate
every treat you must take. Dog treats? Food? Humans? Chocolate? Rock candy? What kind of treats?

Fake or otherwise a lie can be
history or demise.

I am just a hungry desert snake
if you thrive on lies,
ill be your demise. I'll

I don't lie I just slither
on by, looking for those things,
where weak resides. Where weak resides, reads a bit weird.

Things that tickle my belly inside. How?

Wasn't a whole lot of good imagery. You also mentioned the word demise four times, it's not terrible, but that stood out to me. It took away from the meaning.

[Nick]

Senior snake, the old and wise
may I take your council free of demise?

Or will you take what I have to say
as a tasty surprise?

Will I meet your demise?

Sorry senior, my eyes are burning
harshly from the sun.

Snake, out in the desert I can't
smell what is food or rot.

How do you survive in this
death like place?

Rise, said the snake.
In the desert
every treat you must take.

Fake or otherwise a lie can be
history or demise.

I am just a hungry desert snake
if you thrive on lies,
ill be your demise. "ill" should be I'll.

I don't lie I just slither
on by, looking for those things,
where weak resides.

Things that tickle my belly inside.

[viviencherylin]

Senior snake, the old and wise
may I take your council free of demise? Rhythmically, this flows oddly. The line may be a tad too long syllabically.

Or will you take what I have to say
as a tasty surprise? The odd flow of the aforementioned line is accentuated with the shortened length of this line. I'm not sure if that's what you're going for, but it is definitely disjointed. Try adding an adjective.

Will I meet your demise? “your demise” or “my demise”? Is it the snake's downfall or yours?

Sorry senior, my eyes are burning did you mean “senior” or “señor”?
harshly from the sun.

Snake, out in the desert I can't
smell what is food or rot. both of these two lines are syllabically too short for the poem, without achieving a purposeful effect. Also, you might want to reconsider “snake”

How do you survive in this
death like place?

Rise, said the snake. Use quotation marks - punctuate
In the desert
every treat you must take. Not sure about this rhyming thing, think more about the flow and choice of words than whether or not they rhyme – surely there is more of a descriptive, precise word than “take” that you could use

Fake or otherwise a lie can be punctuate this line, commas are your friend
history or demise. The meaning in this line is ambiguous, not necessarily a good thing

I am just a hungry desert snake
if you thrive on lies,
ill be your demise. Use quotation marks for this whole passage, capitalise your I, take careful note of your punctuation. Rhythmically, this isn't bad.

I don't lie I just slither
on by, looking for those things,
where weak resides.

Things that tickle my belly inside. This definitely improves and sounds more natural towards the end

Hopefully my comments are in line with the intention of your poem. Keep at it

[allykat727]

Nice! I really liked the feel of this piece. It is kind of dark and whimsicle like a fairytale gone wrong.

Senior snake, the old and wise
may I take your council free of demise?

Or will you take what I have to say
as a tasty surprise? great line, it conveys the worry of being eaten in a creative way

Will I meet your demise? I like the repetition of this question. It shows the narrator's anxiety or timidness.

Sorry senior, my eyes are burning
harshly from the sun.

Snake, out in the desert I can't
smell what is food or rot. Interesting idea... a snake that's no good at being a snake...

How do you survive in this
death like place?

Rise, said the snake.
In the desert
every treat you must take. Is this senior talking? It seems that way but from here on out I found myself a bit confused as to who is speaking.

Fake or otherwise a lie can be
history or demise. Is there a purpose to the word demise being used here again? Perhaps that needs to be made clearer? Also, who is speaking?

I am just a hungry desert snake
if you thrive on lies,
ill be your demise. I think this is the narrator here again, and if so, its brilliant. Like he is saying, I'd rather die than live in a world of lies and deception. More of the snake that's not very good at being a snake idea.

I don't lie I just slither
on by, looking for those things,
where weak resides. I think this is senior again. Love the rhythm and meter of this stanza.

Things that tickle my belly inside. Great last line

Thanks for the read! This piece conveys a simple yet profound message in an interesting way. Good work

[Graystar]

Senior snake, the old and wise Señor?Is this an honoring form of address to an old and wise snake?
may I take your council free of demise? Weak flow and almost repeating the question in the next question.

Or will you take what I have to say
as a tasty surprise? Are you meaning to treat this old wise snake flippantly?

Will I meet your demise? Are you now threatening the snake?

Sorry senior, my eyes are burning
harshly from the sun. So what does this have to do with asking council of a snake?

Snake, out in the desert I can't
smell what is food or rot. Now you are going to noses! Where's the real question?

You've lost me.


How do you survive in this
death like place?

Rise, said the snake.
In the desert
every treat you must take.

Fake or otherwise a lie can be
history or demise.

I am just a hungry desert snake
if you thrive on lies,
ill be your demise.

I don't lie I just slither
on by, looking for those things,
where weak resides.

Things that tickle my belly inside.