Some Poets

[Nick]

some poets
when they write
it's their words
they look like colored chalk drawings
on cement
on a sidewalk
beautiful
artistic
delicate
folks stop and gaze
admire and walk around
nothin' wrong with that
then the dark comes
their words cannot blaze guidance
are trampled without regard
and an errant shower
rebirths the grey
the hard grey
the hard grey that gleams dully
in the damp meterless dawn

[billy]

you have a good image, it just feels too wordy in a few places. take out anything that doesn't add something.

some poets
when they write
it's their words
they look like coloured chalk drawings would these for lines be better if condensed? a suggestion would be
[some poets words are
coloured chalk drawings] which turns it from a simile to a metaphor and removes excess baggage
on cement
on a sidewalk, same here [on a cement sidewalk]
beautiful
artistic
delicate while these are strong words, i'm not sure in this context they're worthy of their own lines.
folks stop and gaze, gaze is redundant as to admire it they must gaze at it
admire and walk around
nothin' wrong with that
then the dark comes
their words cannot blaze guidance not sure what this line is doing
again i'd suggest condensing [words are trampled]
are trampled without regard
and an errant shower
rebirths the grey keep everything from this line on (including this line)
the hard grey
the hard grey that gleams dully
in the damp unmetered dawn i really do like this line, it feels like there's no hope for poetry/poets

[Todd]

Hi Nick,

Some comments for you:

some poets
when they write
it's their words;--Maybe, "their words look" and cut they on the next line
they look like colored chalk drawings
on cement
on a sidewalk--since you're doing one word lines anyway why not just sidewalks
beautiful--I sort of hate this word. It's like unique. I think the next two get you there.
artistic
delicate
folks stop and gaze
admire and walk around
nothin' wrong with that
then the dark comes
their words cannot blaze guidance--maybe in two lines "their words now to dim to blaze guidance" Just a thought
are trampled without regard
and an errant shower
rebirths the grey
the hard grey
the hard grey that gleams dully--I think the repetition here is too much
in the damp unmetered dawn--awesome last line

Just things to consider.

Best,

Todd

[Nick]

you have a good image, it just feels too wordy in a few places. take out anything that doesn't add something.

some poets
when they write
it's their words
they look like coloured chalk drawings would these for lines be better if condensed? a suggestion would be
[some poets words are
coloured chalk drawings] which turns it from a simile to a metaphor and removes excess baggage
on cement
on a sidewalk, same here [on a cement sidewalk]
beautiful
artistic
delicate while these are strong words, i'm not sure in this context they're worthy of their own lines.
folks stop and gaze, gaze is redundant as to admire it they must gaze at it
admire and walk around
nothin' wrong with that
then the dark comes
their words cannot blaze guidance not sure what this line is doing
again i'd suggest condensing [words are trampled]
are trampled without regard
and an errant shower
rebirths the grey keep everything from this line on (including this line)
the hard grey
the hard grey that gleams dully
in the damp unmetered dawn i really do like this line, it feels like there's no hope for poetry/poets

Thanks for your comments. The last line (and indeed the whole of the work) was intended to convey that all things created by man are transitory and nature moves unabated.

---

Hi Nick,

Some comments for you:

some poets
when they write
it's their words;--Maybe, "their words look" and cut they on the next line
they look like colored chalk drawings
on cement
on a sidewalk--since you're doing one word lines anyway why not just sidewalks
beautiful--I sort of hate this word. It's like unique. I think the next two get you there.
artistic
delicate
folks stop and gaze
admire and walk around
nothin' wrong with that
then the dark comes
their words cannot blaze guidance--maybe in two lines "their words now to dim to blaze guidance" Just a thought
are trampled without regard
and an errant shower
rebirths the grey
the hard grey
the hard grey that gleams dully--I think the repetition here is too much
in the damp unmetered dawn--awesome last line

Just things to consider.

Best,

Todd

Thanks for your thoughts. I "unmetered" the last line when I originally posted this. After a few days "meterless" seemed to be a more apropro term.

[ThePinsir]

some poets
when they write
it's their words
they look like colored chalk drawings I like the memories this evokes! makes poets seem like small children
on cement
on a sidewalk cement and sidewalk is a bit redundant, but I nonetheless like the way it reads
beautiful
artistic
delicate
folks stop and gaze
admire and walk around
nothin' wrong with that "nothin'". the carefree tone is pretty fun
then the dark comes everything from here down is great
their words cannot blaze guidance
are trampled without regard
and an errant shower
rebirths the grey
the hard grey
the hard grey that gleams dully
in the damp meterless dawn fantastic

----

I guess the only thing I just don't like is the repetition of "grey". It's a bit much.

[Nick]

some poets
when they write
it's their words
they look like colored chalk drawings I like the memories this evokes! makes poets seem like small children
on cement
on a sidewalk cement and sidewalk is a bit redundant, but I nonetheless like the way it reads
beautiful
artistic
delicate
folks stop and gaze
admire and walk around
nothin' wrong with that "nothin'". the carefree tone is pretty fun
then the dark comes everything from here down is great
their words cannot blaze guidance
are trampled without regard
and an errant shower
rebirths the grey
the hard grey
the hard grey that gleams dully
in the damp meterless dawn fantastic

----

I guess the only thing I just don't like is the repetition of "grey". It's a bit much.

One punch is a hit. Three punches is a beat down. I multipled "grey" for such an effect.
Just thinkin' y'all might wanna know so's you can get it.
Thanks for the comments.

[allykat727]

some poets
when they write
it's their words what are you trying to say with this line?
they look like colored chalk drawings interesting
on cement
on a sidewalk redundant? maybe 'on a cement sidewalk'
beautiful
artistic
delicate not sure delicate is the right word. i dont really think 'delicate' with this image.
folks stop and gaze hmm.. not really fond of the word 'folks' here
admire and walk around
nothin' wrong with that
then the dark comes the dark? hmm. this was a strange line to me. maybe you want to say something a bit more obvious like 'then darkness falls'
their words cannot blaze guidance really cool line
are trampled without regard fantastic continuation of the chalk on the cement image
and an errant shower
rebirths the grey
the hard grey
the hard grey that gleams dully gleams dully is a contradiction?
in the damp meterless dawn what a fantastic line

Interesting piece. I definitely liked the imagery created. But I am a little confused as to what the image is really trying to say. Perhaps that some poets paint beautiful pictures that are nice to look at, but that don't last because they don't hold inherent meaning. if this is so, i think it needs a bit more development. Thanks for the read!

[Nick]

some poets
when they write
it's their words what are you trying to say with this line?this is the set up
they look like colored chalk drawings interesting
on cement
on a sidewalk redundant? maybe 'on a cement sidewalk'cement could be a floor and sidewalk is used for clarification and also on a separate line to build the movement
beautiful
artistic
delicate not sure delicate is the right word. i dont really think 'delicate' with this image.
folks stop and gaze hmm.. not really fond of the word 'folks' here
admire and walk around
nothin' wrong with that
then the dark comes the dark? hmm. this was a strange line to me. maybe you want to say something a bit more obvious like 'then darkness falls'always been a little shy about usin' cliches
their words cannot blaze guidance really cool line
are trampled without regard fantastic continuation of the chalk on the cement image
and an errant shower
rebirths the grey
the hard grey
the hard grey that gleams dully gleams dully is a contradiction?dully modifies the gleam from bright to just some shine
in the damp meterless dawn what a fantastic line

Interesting piece. I definitely liked the imagery created. But I am a little confused as to what the image is really trying to say. Perhaps that some poets paint beautiful pictures that are nice to look at, but that don't last because they don't hold inherent meaning. if this is so, i think it needs a bit more development. Thanks for the read!

What the image is "really trying to say" is whatever you want it to say.
Thanks for your views.

[Two_muffins]

I did enjoy the imagery that you established here. For some reason though, I was getting really caught up on the flow if it. It was really choppy and I wasn't sure the rhythm (if there was supposed to be) was quite right. I would have liked to see some punctuation, but then again I'm really no expert.

[Nick]

I did enjoy the imagery that you established here. For some reason though, I was getting really caught up on the flow if it. It was really choppy and I wasn't sure the rhythm (if there was supposed to be) was quite right. I would have liked to see some punctuation, but then again I'm really no expert.

Yeah, choppy. Kinda like the clip clop of high heels as the move along the sidewalk.
I get the punctuation need. It sometimes draws from the immediacy of a piece. Thus this one is sans.

And no one starts out as an expert. Really.

Thanks for your comments.