Visitor From Cold Heaven

[alatos]

Visitor from cold heaven,
Silence frequents these woods.
Slowly creeping through the creek-bed
and hiding in the needles on the spruce branches
that spasm in moving air, she haunts.

Cool, clouded sunlight brings her today
to tread among the wilted ferns.
Rapturing for a moment even the sparrows and squirrels,
who should be rooting in the crumpled leaves for nuts
and seeds before winter,
she passes gently through the nearby shoots.

Then, approaching with an otherworldly smile,
she touches me,
sweetly dissolving every burden from my mind:
every repulsion, delusion,
and drive for worldly gain
replacing with utter stillness.

I like the first two sections, not overly thrilled with the third. It says what I'm trying to get across, but I don't think it says it well. Any advice is much appreciated.

[Malu]

Visitor from cold heaven, must be, if hell is hot
Silence frequents these woods.
Slowly creeping through the creek-bed good
and hiding in the needles on the spruce branches needles used to describe that, mhmm spruce needles pine needles, I guess that's what you call them for these trees instead of leaves. But I think this could be worded better
that spasm in moving air, she haunts. hiding in needles, to spasming in moving air. Not very hidden if she's spasming

Cool, clouded sunlight brings her today good
to tread among the wilted ferns.
Rapturing for a moment even the sparrows and squirrels,
who should be rooting in the crumpled leaves for nuts
and seeds before winter,
she passes gently through the nearby shoots. I liked this stanza

Then, approaching with an otherworldly smile, Makes sense since she seems to be a ghost/spirit of some sort
she touches me, How does this touch feel? Expand
sweetly dissolving every burden from my mind:
every repulsion, delusion, Like?
and drive for worldly gain
replacing with utter stillness.

I like the first two sections, not overly thrilled with the third. It says what I'm trying to get across, but I don't think it says it well. Any advice is much appreciated.

I liked this overall, the imagery was nice. I think you could expand on a few things to get your point across in a better way. Hope this helps

[jdeirmend]

Visitor from cold heaven,
Silence frequents these woods.
Slowly creeping through the creek-bed
and hiding in the needles on the spruce branches
that spasm in moving air, she haunts.

A lot of indefinite reference in this first stanza. Maybe you want it to be that way, but part of me would like to know who or what is doing what. The imagery is compelling enough to hook me in, though.

Cool, clouded sunlight brings her today
to tread among the wilted ferns.
Rapturing for a moment even the sparrows and squirrels,
who should be rooting in the crumpled leaves for nuts
and seeds before winter,
she passes gently through the nearby shoots.

Now I start to get an idea of who or what the visitor might be. It is very vague, but descriptively, the stanza seems much more coherent than the previous one.

Then, approaching with an otherworldly smile,
she touches me,
sweetly dissolving every burden from my mind:
every repulsion, delusion,
and drive for worldly gain
replacing with utter stillness.

My suggestion would be to try and show it, and not say it. By now the most significant presence of the poem has unveiled itself, to the point of its shoving aside, thematically, every sign and image that led us to her. Even so, this stanza is completely devoid of what sucked me into the poem in the first place: images. "Otherworldly" is nice, but abstract. You might try and find something concrete, particular, visceral, sensual to say it with. You could also follow up "she touches me" with an image: "gently, the way soft rain dabbles on a weathered oak," or something like that.

I like the first two sections, not overly thrilled with the third. It says what I'm trying to get across, but I don't think it says it well. Any advice is much appreciated.

Comments for editing aside, the poem seems to be trying to communicate a moment of communion with a feminine form of transcendence, and the clarity of spirit that this brings. Throughout it, though, this presence remains disembodied, and even invites the animals of the forest to pause amid their frantic, anxious preparations for survival. This foreshadows the apotheosis of the poem, which culiminates with the speaker's newfound ability to see the pettiness of his situation qua human being-in-the-world. I think the poem succeeds, for the fact that it re-endgendered the mood it attempted to describe in me as I read it. Not only that, but it is also interesting to note the way the form of its sense mimics the content of the same, by becoming more discernible and less fragmented as the poem progresses from stanza one to stanza three.