All These Tales of Suicide

[tigrflye]

Edit:
I'm hearing tales of suicide,
of angst and broken men,
reminding me of harder days,
reliving them again.

The job I went to college for,
I worked ten years, same wage.
A girl I'd trained became my boss.
The bitch then cut my pay.

My marriage rot with wormy lies,
four selfish boys we built,
a house diseased by secret yens,
foundation made of guilt.
I thought, perhaps a different man?
He had his fun and left.
With mixed regret my troubled mind
told God I failed the test.

I drove the longest way I knew,
as slowly as I dared.
I dreaded going home to see
the people living there.
The passing woods were calling me
to crash into a tree.
I'd feel no pain. All problems solved
if I just ceased to be.

A lot of things, but coward? No!
I made it home alright.
This shitty life is hard, but hell,
I'm putting up a fight.

Original:
I'm hearing tales of suicide,
of angst and broken men,
reminding me of harder days,
reliving them again.

The job I went to college for,
I worked ten years, same wage.
My boss became a girl I'd trained.
The bitch then cut my pay.

My marriage rot with wormy lies,
four selfish boys we built,
a house diseased by secret yens,
foundation made of guilt.
I thought, perhaps a better man?
He had his fun and left.
I mixed regret into my troubled mind,
told God I failed the test.

I drove the longest way I knew,
as slowly as I dared.
I dreaded going home to see
the people living there.
The passing woods were calling me
to crash into a tree.
I'd feel no pain. All problems solved
if I just ceased to be.

I'm a lot of things, but coward? No.
I made it home alright.
This shitty life is hard as hell.
I'm putting up a fight.

[Nick]

I'm hearing tales of suicide,
of angst and broken men,
reminding me of harder days,
reliving them again.

The job I went to college for,
I worked ten years, same wage.
My boss became a girl I'd trained.This goes the wrong way. A girl I'd trained became my boss. That is the correct flow.
The bitch then cut my pay.

My marriage rot with wormy lies,
four selfish boys we built,
a house diseased by secret yens,How about using 'yearnings' in place of the monetary term for a buck in Nippon land?
foundation made of guilt.
I thought, perhaps a better man?
He had his fun and left.
I mixed regret into my troubled mind,I see 'I mixed regret with my troubled mind' as an alternate.
told God I failed the test.

I drove the longest way I knew,
as slowly as I dared.
I dreaded going home to see
the people living there.
The passing woods were calling me
to crash into a tree.The trees I passed invited me
to crash into their arms.
I'd feel no pain. All problems solved
if I just ceased to be.

I'm a lot of things, but coward? No.No!
I made it home alright.
This shitty life is hard as hell.
I'm putting up a fight.And it's in for one hell of a fight.

A very accessible piece of work.
Thanks.

[billy]

different is good, or adds something to the pot. the meter's pretty good, as far as rhyme goes, sometimes it doesn't, sometimes it does. i'm okay with that but do think one or the other would add something to the read of it. i enjoyed the read, thanks

Edit:
I'm hearing tales of suicide,
of angst and broken men,
reminding me of harder days,
reliving them again.

The job I went to college for,
I worked ten years, same wage.
A girl I'd trained became my boss.
The bitch then cut my pay.

My marriage rot with wormy lies,
four selfish boys we built,
a house diseased by secret yens,
foundation made of guilt.
I thought, perhaps a better man?
He had his fun and left.
I mixed regret into my troubled mind, a suggestion to get this line on meter would be [with mixed regret my troubled mind
told God I failed the test.

I drove the longest way I knew,
as slowly as I dared.
I dreaded going home to see
the people living there.
The passing woods were calling me
to crash into a tree.
I'd feel no pain. All problems solved
if I just ceased to be.

I'm a lot of things, but coward? No! a suggestion would be to lose the [I'm] the next line infers this one was about you, and it helps with the meter (i think)
I made it home alright.
This shitty life is hard, but hell,
I'm putting up a fight.

Original:
I'm hearing tales of suicide,
of angst and broken men,
reminding me of harder days,
reliving them again.

The job I went to college for,
I worked ten years, same wage.
My boss became a girl I'd trained.
The bitch then cut my pay.

My marriage rot with wormy lies,
four selfish boys we built,
a house diseased by secret yens,
foundation made of guilt.
I thought, perhaps a better man?
He had his fun and left.
I mixed regret into my troubled mind,
told God I failed the test.

I drove the longest way I knew,
as slowly as I dared.
I dreaded going home to see
the people living there.
The passing woods were calling me
to crash into a tree.
I'd feel no pain. All problems solved
if I just ceased to be.

I'm a lot of things, but coward? No.
I made it home alright.
This shitty life is hard as hell.
I'm putting up a fight.

[tigrflye]

Nick,
Thank you. I agree on the points you made. Except for the line about the tree's arms. I like the way your suggestion reads except for trying to rhyme arms with be. As Billy pointed out not all of the rhymes actually "rhyme" but I like them to sound closer than that.


Billy,
perfect suggestions I think. Thank you.
I usually do prefer poems that rhyme,.. at least for my own poetry, at least right now.
Admittedly I tried to pair some words that didn't quite rhyme, and sacrificed to telling the story instead of the rhyme.
You are saying I can't get away with (wage, pay).. (dared, there).. (left, test) ? Haha. Tough crowd

[ChristopherSea]

I like your point of view and the sarcasm herein! The 8/6 alternating syl lines gave this a whimsical meter. In that vein, trimming the mixed regret line is recommended.

I personally prefer the mix of rhymes and near rhymes. Sometimes you are damned if you stick to strict rhymes, coming off as forced. On the other hand, if you mix strict and slant ones, you get chided. I tell them to read Emily Dickinson!

Cheers/Chris

[tigrflye]

Thanks Chris.
I got a friend in my corner for the "near rhyme debate"! Whoo hoo!

[billy]

Nick,
Thank you. I agree on the points you made. Except for the line about the tree's arms. I like the way your suggestion reads except for trying to rhyme arms with be. As Billy pointed out not all of the rhymes actually "rhyme" but I like them to sound closer than that.


Billy,
perfect suggestions I think. Thank you.
I usually do prefer poems that rhyme,.. at least for my own poetry, at least right now.
Admittedly I tried to pair some words that didn't quite rhyme, and sacrificed to telling the story instead of the rhyme.
You are saying I can't get away with (wage, pay).. (dared, there).. (left, test) ? Haha. Tough crowd

i suppose you could get away with anything really
but perfect is sometimes easier to pull off than half rhyme.

the above said, sometimes half rhymes or near rhymes work well.

these do work well enough, i say this because of what you said, (you know what you went for) often people including myself go for perfect rhyme and get a few near rhymes without noticing, does that make sense?

[Maya Kicks Lemons]

Love Love Love it. really got down and dirty with it! keep it up .

[Todd]

Jenn, I didn't have high hopes for all of our suicide poems, but I found myself really enjoying this one. Some comments for you:

Edit:
I'm hearing tales of suicide,
of angst and broken men,--That is just a perfect follow up to the first line. I'd be tempted to make this your title if the speaker wasn't a woman. As it stands, I love it here.
reminding me of harder days,
reliving them again.

The job I went to college for,--Feels like it should be "I went to college for this job" I realize you may not want the repetition of the "I" starting each line, but the syntax felt a bit off as it was
I worked ten years, same wage.
A girl I'd trained became my boss.
The bitch then cut my pay.--Funny, love this.

My marriage rot with wormy lies,--rot doesn't feel right here rotten or rotting maybe. I love how it plays off wormy lies though. Really nice
four selfish boys we built,--I know you're doing the rhyme here built feels a bit mechanical for your images. I could live with it because I like the content. Spawned or something like it feels more right though to me. If that makes sense?
a house diseased by secret yens,
foundation made of guilt.
I thought, perhaps a better man?--Feels a little awkward. I think it needs to be more forthright: I thought you were a better man/you had your fun...
He had his fun and left.
With mixed regret my troubled mind
told God I failed the test.

I drove the longest way I knew,
as slowly as I dared.
I dreaded going home to see
the people living there.
The passing woods were calling me
to crash into a tree.--love these lines
I'd feel no pain. All problems solved
if I just ceased to be.--and this, it's the temptation to end it all, which is scarier than the ending.

A lot of things, but coward? No!
I made it home alright.
This shitty life is hard, but hell,
I'm putting up a fight.

Nice read Jenn. I enjoyed it.

Best,

Todd

---

Love Love Love it. really got down and dirty with it! keep it up .

Hey Maya, glad you liked this. I did too. We want a little more feedback as to why you liked it in the critique forums. Feel free to elaborate. Thanks. /admin

[tigrflye]

Maya,
I'm very glad you liked it. Thank you.

Todd,
Thank you for your suggestions. I liked "built".. because I feel the narrator "made" the children that way with the diseased household. If that makes sense. They weren't just "spawned".. it wasn't their fault
"I thought, perhaps a better man?" - was supposed to mean that the narrator went outside of the marriage. Looking for a better man. The story would be just as good to me if I changed it to your suggestion.. or maybe I could look into making mine more clear. "I thought, perhaps a different man?"

[Todd]

Different would be more clear for me, Jenn. Maybe other readers picked up on it, and I missed it. As far as built goes no real issue there. Thanks for clarifying your thoughts.

Best,

Todd

[Nick]

Edit:
I'm hearing tales of suicide,
of angst and broken men,
reminding me of harder days,
reliving them again.

The job I went to college for,
I worked ten years, same wage.
A girl I'd trained became my boss.
The bitch then cut my pay.

My marriage rot with wormy lies,
four selfish boys we built,
a house diseased by secret yens,
foundation made of guilt.
I thought, perhaps a different man?
He had his fun and left.
With mixed regret my troubled mind
told God I failed the test.Nice change.

I drove the longest way I knew,
as slowly as I dared.
I dreaded going home to see
the people living there.
The passing woods were calling me
to crash into a tree.
I'd feel no pain. All problems solved
if I just ceased to be.

A lot of things, but coward? No!
I made it home alright.
This shitty life is hard, but hell,
I'm putting up a fight.

Original:
I'm hearing tales of suicide,
of angst and broken men,
reminding me of harder days,
reliving them again.

The job I went to college for,
I worked ten years, same wage.
My boss became a girl I'd trained.
The bitch then cut my pay.

My marriage rot with wormy lies,
four selfish boys we built,
a house diseased by secret yens,
foundation made of guilt.
I thought, perhaps a better man?
He had his fun and left.
I mixed regret into my troubled mind,
told God I failed the test.

I drove the longest way I knew,
as slowly as I dared.
I dreaded going home to see
the people living there.
The passing woods were calling me
to crash into a tree.
I'd feel no pain. All problems solved
if I just ceased to be.

I'm a lot of things, but coward? No.
I made it home alright.
This shitty life is hard as hell.
I'm putting up a fight.

[ehabuncensored]

I can't help but find myself attracted to painful poetry in the goox sense because its emotion I guess I crave. Because there is so much goinv on you forget people have them. This was just that a big solid slap to the face like tbat could be me what would be my decision.... but then u remeber there is a writer on the other end of what ur reading who has felt this. Its such a solid message, it takez strong character to battle urselfs " right and wrongs" nonetheless ur on top and u find a excellent way to care but not care, i love it.

[Todd]

I can't help but find myself attracted to painful poetry in the goox sense because its emotion I guess I crave. Because there is so much goinv on you forget people have them. This was just that a big solid slap to the face like tbat could be me what would be my decision.... but then u remeber there is a writer on the other end of what ur reading who has felt this. Its such a solid message, it takez strong character to battle urselfs " right and wrongs" nonetheless ur on top and u find a excellent way to care but not care, i love it.

There needs to be a critique in your critique in the critical forums. Please try again. /admin

[tigrflye]

Ehabuncensored,
While your "critique" wasn't very critique-ful, I do appreciate the feed back as it is nice to know my words reached someone. Thank you. Perhaps next time you could be more specific/detailed about what parts affected you to better fullfil the critique requirement.