The Dock at Parsons Lake

[Aish]

Dark has driven its tent spike into this side of the world      
and I just want everyone
to shut the fuck up, turn down      
or off or out, so I can be alone      
with the words in your veins    
and the intoxication
waiting on your tongue.    
     
I want the tires on the highways
to quit rolling,      
this supply and demand society
to forget itself and fast.
Maybe if it lost a few pounds
of media opinions      
handfuls of people
could find God for real      
and stop calling her names
like political power     
or dead presidents
or replacement theology.    
     
I just want to wear your skin
in the soft cricket songs of summer,      
swaying with the breeze
as it hums itself around our shoulders      
and our soles grow new shoots into the sky.    
     
I want to hold the coals of your eyes  
as they blaze over me in baptizement      
nourishing drought dry wells
I forgot I'm made from.    
     
I just want to demand
with nothing but my breath
as you crochet the sounds
into a long shawl, knotting
new octaves into almost silent heartbeats.

and I will draw tangled poems
on frosted window panes
inhaling the crisp air hovering over them,      
kissing the chill from one anothers palms    
     
until I thaw.  
And I just want to be those words in your veins, closer than home    
nearer the bone    
while cicadas wake in chorus at sunrise and I'm your mystery girl again.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dark has driven its tent spike into this side of the world      
and I just want everyone to shut the fuck up, turn down      
or off or out, so I can be alone      
with the words in your veins    
and the drug-like high waiting on your tongue.    
     
I want the tires on the highways to quit rolling,      
this supply and demand society to forget itself and fast.
Maybe if it lost a few pounds of media opinions      
some handfuls of people could find God for real      
and stop calling her names like political power     
or dead presidents or replacement theology.    
     
I just want to wear your skin in the soft cricket songs of summer,      
swaying with the breeze as it hums itself around our shoulders      
and our soles grow new shoots into the sky.    
     
I want to hold the coals of your eyes  
as they blaze over me in baptizement      
nourishing drought dry wells I forgot I'm made from.    
     
I just want to yield and demand with nothing but my breath,  
as you crochet the sounds into a long shawl that will protect us    
when the flash and flush of that first bloom quiets itself      
in autumn, and I draw pictures of poems we tangled ourselves into      
by dragging my fingertips through frosted window panes we erected    

inhaling the crisp air hovering over them,      
knotting new octaves into almost silent heartbeats,      
kissing the chill from one anothers palms    
     
until I thaw.  
And I just want to be those words in your veins, closer than home    
nearer the bone    
while cicadas wake in chorus at sunrise and I'm your mystery girl again.

[ellajam]

There is so much here so well said. Here's my meager bit of feedback, I'm just learning.

Dark has driven its tent spike into this side of the world      
and I just want everyone to shut the fuck up, turn down  
or off or out, so I can be alone    you can lose the and, otherwise great line  
with the words in your veins    
and the drug-like high waiting on your tongue.     maybe this and can go, too, love the phrase
     
I want the tires on the highways to quit rolling,      
this supply and demand society to forget itself and fast.
Maybe if it lost a few pounds of media opinions     another great line 
some handfuls of people could find God for real     something may be off here 
and stop calling her names like political power     
or dead presidents or replacement theology.    
     
I just want to wear your skin in the soft cricket songs of summer,      
swaying with the breeze as it hums itself around our shoulders      
and our soles grow new shoots into the sky.     beautiful section
     
I want to hold the coals of your eyes  
as they blaze over me in baptizement      
nourishing drought dry wells I forgot I'm made from.    
     
I just want to yield and demand with nothing but my breath,  
as you crochet the sounds into a long shawl that will protect us    love crochet the sounds, then a little wordy
when the flash and flush of that first bloom quiets itself      
in autumn, and I draw pictures of poems we tangled ourselves into      great line again
by dragging my fingertips through frosted window panes we erected    

inhaling the crisp air hovering over them,      
knotting new octaves into almost silent heartbeats,      
kissing the chill from one anothers palms    
     
until I thaw.  
And I just want to be those words in your veins, closer than home    
nearer the bone    
while cicadas wake in chorus at sunrise and I'm your mystery girl again.

Feel free to ignore, thanks for letting me practice on you. I really enjoyed the read.

[Todd]

Hey Aish,

Long time no read. Hope you're well. Here are some comments for you:

Dark has driven its tent spike into this side of the world--love the opening, great evocative phrasing.      
and I just want everyone to shut the fuck up, turn down{b]--consider a line break after everyone for the layering[/b]      
or off or out, so I can be alone      
with the words in your veins    
and the drug-like high waiting on your tongue.--I think there has to be something better than drug-like    
     
I want the tires on the highways to quit rolling,      
this supply and demand society to forget itself and fast.
Maybe if it lost a few pounds of media opinions--consider a break after pounds      
some handfuls of people could find God for real      
and stop calling her names like political power     
or dead presidents or replacement theology.--you dropped the insidious replacement theology into the mix, love it    
     
I just want to wear your skin in the soft cricket songs of summer,--again nice phrasing soft cricket songs of summer seems perfect for its imagery and sonics      
swaying with the breeze as it hums itself around our shoulders      
and our soles grow new shoots into the sky.--Sort of James Wright-ish "A blessing" lovely.    
     
I want to hold the coals of your eyes--again love the image, tight  
as they blaze over me in baptizement      
nourishing drought dry wells I forgot I'm made from.--the second part of this line is especially interesting    
     
I just want to yield and demand with nothing but my breath,--I think I would prefer something tighter Maybe: "I demand with...breath
as you crochet the sounds into a long shawl that will protect us--I don't entirely like the that will protect us. If you can implant that into the cooler, earlier crochet the sounds idea great, if not I'd leave it ambiguous. Just a thought    
when the flash and flush of that first bloom quiets itself      
in autumn, and I draw pictures of poems we tangled ourselves into      
by dragging my fingertips through frosted window panes we erected--don't care for the we erected getting between frosted window panes and inhaling    

inhaling the crisp air hovering over them,      
knotting new octaves into almost silent heartbeats,--love this  
kissing the chill from one anothers palms--and love the tender image here    
     
until I thaw.  
And I just want to be those words in your veins, closer than home--I would give closer than home its own line    
nearer the bone    
while cicadas wake in chorus at sunrise and I'm your mystery girl again.--Maybe wake in sunrise chorus. I like the ending

I hope some of that helped.

Best,

Todd

[Keith]

Dark has driven its tent spike into this side of the world      
and I just want everyone to shut the fuck up, turn down      
or off or out, so I can be alone      Great opening I feel like I should be quiet
with the words in your veins    
and the drug-like high waiting on your tongue.  could swap drug like for chemical or natural but I'm glad their is a way out of the dark  
     
I want the tires on the highways to quit rolling,      
this supply and demand society to forget itself and fast. the rolling tires link well with supply and demand
Maybe if it lost a few pounds of media opinions      
some handfuls of people could find God for real      
and stop calling her names like political power     
or dead presidents or replacement theology.  The voice of frustration with pace of life over reportage is excellent
     
I just want to wear your skin in the soft cricket songs of summer, I think the switch is very well done
swaying with the breeze as it hums itself around our shoulders      
and our soles grow new shoots into the sky.    
     
I want to hold the coals of your eyes  
as they blaze over me in baptizement      
nourishing drought dry wells I forgot I'm made from.   this line is intriguing but feels a little off in the phrasing.      
I just want to yield and demand with nothing but my breath,  
as you crochet the sounds into a long shawl that will protect us too many words but a fabulous image
when the flash and flush of that first bloom quiets itself      
in autumn, and I draw pictures of poems we tangled ourselves into      
by dragging my fingertips through frosted window panes we erected    

inhaling the crisp air hovering over them,      
knotting new octaves into almost silent heartbeats,      
kissing the chill from one anothers palms     I like the way you build this with shorter lines to be read quicker into the thaw,
     
until I thaw.  
And I just want to be those words in your veins, closer than home    
nearer the bone    
while cicadas wake in chorus at sunrise and I'm your mystery girl again. I had to google cicadas but the ending is a delight.

Glad your posting again, great poem, hope some of the comments help. TOMH

[Aish]

Ella, you did a good job and I appreciate the feedback. I was indeed a little wordy and I'm going to work on paring it back.

Todd, it's good to be back. I'm doing well, thank you. You made some great points. S5 needs a little work, will get on it. What do you think of " intoxication" instead of "drug-like high"?

TOMH, it's nice to have your critique. Thanks for pointing out S4. I will scrutinize it a little harder.

Time for me to get busy.

[Todd]

Intoxication would be a good improvement.

[Wildcard]

Hi Aish

Damn good to see your work after so long. Hopefully it is okay I ask a quick couple of question before I give feedback.

a) Am I misreading a cheating subtext into this?
b) Is the opening line something that you have engineered to help theme the piece (camp => docking => boating => etc.) or am I getting that fucked up too?
c) is this about me?

Okay the last one isn't for real :p (I know )

[Aish]

Hi, Mark! Questions are always welcome.
If you perceive a cheating subtext, then there is one. The reader completes the process. I will tell you that it was written from the perspective of being years into a long term committment ( at least that is the way it sounded in my own head).
Since you asked about the opening line I have to be truthful- I didn't construct it. It came to me whole, and the rest dumped out after. I wrote the entire piece in about fifteen minutes, then wondered if the opening line still fit. It was total stream of consciousness.
<---- this is cute. Do it again.

[tectak]

Dark has driven its tent spike into this side of the world      
and I just want everyone to shut the fuck up, turn down      
or off or out, so I can be alone  tighten up this excellent opener by cutting down on the"or" options. Impact is always lost if you give the reader choices. The technique only works  if you are trying to make your character permanently dithering. You do not want this. The next lines are strong and purposeful.  
with the words in your veins    
and the drug-like high waiting on your tongue. "drug-LIKE" is a weak simile in disguise.  Is it LIKE a drug-INDUCED high, or is it another high.If the latter...what is it? 
     
I want the tires on the highways to quit rolling, English tyres      
this supply and demand society to forget itself and fast.
Maybe if it lost a few pounds of media opinions Unrelated "it"     
some handfuls of people could find God for real   Drop the "some". It is over implied by not saying "all the people"    
and stop calling her names like political power     
or dead presidents or replacement theology. slightly embarrasing double-dilemma with the her-god thing. Damned if you do sex god, damned if you don't. By blatant sexism you introduce a point not required. Off on a tangent agenda. Your poem.    
     
I just want to wear your skin in the soft cricket songs of summer,      
swaying with the breeze as it hums itself around our shoulders      
and our soles grow new shoots into the sky.     Just bloody magnificent
     
I want to hold the coals of your eyes  
as they blaze over me in baptizement      
nourishing drought dry wells I forgot I'm made from.and again but drought-dry    
     
I just want to yield and demand with nothing but my breath,  
as you crochet the sounds into a long shawl that will protect us    
when the flash and flush of that first bloom quiets itself      
in autumn, and I draw pictures of poems we tangled ourselves into      
by dragging my fingertips through frosted window panes we erected     dangerously wordy made more apparent by the crispness if what has gone before. This stanza needs chopping up... but use a scalpel, not an axe. No chips should escape.

inhaling the crisp air hovering over them,      
knotting new octaves into almost silent heartbeats,      
kissing the chill from one anothers palms    
     
until I thaw. This sentence is just too long to even read in my head. I started to flake out...as does the intent if you stretch things past Young's modulus. It just won't return to shape...especially as you stretch it some more with the following "And".
And I just want to be those words in your veins, closer than home    
nearer the bone    
while cicadas wake in chorus at sunrise and I'm your mystery girl again.

Some would say it is good to return to veins...but I think you could do better. I cannot.
Hi aish, where you been?
Liking it.
Best,
tectak

[Erthona]

Aish,

Dark has driven its tent spike into this side of the world      
and I just want everyone to shut the fuck up, turn down      
or off or out, so I can be alone      
with the words in your veins   (I don't get this idea. Should it be words in "my" veins"?) 
and the drug-like high waiting on your tongue.    
     
I want the tires on the highways to quit rolling,      
this supply and demand society to forget itself and fast. (this sentence doesn't make much sense as it, if you left off "to forget itself and fast" it would read fine. Save the "to forget itself and fast" for another sentence)
Maybe if it lost a few pounds of media opinions      
some handfuls of people could find God for real      
and stop calling her names like political power     
or dead presidents or replacement theology.  
(" a few pounds of media opinions" is great) 
     
I just want to wear your skin in the soft cricket songs of summer,      
swaying with the breeze as it hums itself around our shoulders      
and our soles grow new shoots into the sky. ("while" instead of "and" as the breeze has nothing to do with this)
     
I want to hold the coals of your eyes  
as they blaze over me in baptizement   (this reads awkwardly, but I like the use of the word "baptizement")   
nourishing drought dry wells I forgot I'm made from.   ( a good line) 
     
I just want to yield and demand with nothing but my breath,  
as you crochet the sounds into a long shawl that will protect us    
when the flash and flush of that first bloom quiets itself      
in autumn, and I draw pictures of poems we tangled ourselves into      
by dragging my fingertips through frosted window panes we erected    

inhaling the crisp air hovering over them,      
knotting new octaves into almost silent heartbeats,      
kissing the chill from one anothers palms     ( another's ?)
     
until I thaw.  
And I just want to be those words in your veins, closer than home    
nearer the bone    
while cicadas wake in chorus at sunrise and I'm your mystery girl again.

There is good core material here, but definitely needs so tightening up.

Dale

[Aish]

Hey, Tek! Just been living is all, nice to see ya and thanks for all the food for thought. I'm curious as to the nit with my choosing to use female gender instead of male gender when referencing deity. Is it because I used the generalized title "God" instead of a specific name? Or because goddess would appear more grammatically correct? Technically the Judeo- Christian God is considered genderless, though the Hebrew names and attributes of God are divided into masculine and feminine. I personally prefer "her", but that is a leaning toward identifying with AdiParashakti/Ohr Ein Soph. Such a personal bent isn't necessary to the poem, it's just the way it came out as my natural conversational tone.
Erthona, nice to have your thoughts on this piece. Time to flex my fingers and put in the grunt work necessary to improve.
I'm truly happy to have such great input from everyone. It's the middle of the night, I'm going to come back tomorrow and implement the suggestions. Thanks again.

[bena]

I must say HOLY SHIT and hope that the mods won't beat me, or perhaps, fingers crossed that they do for doing so, but this blew me away. You've gotten quite a bit of great critique, so I won't add my blundering two cents except that intoxication does work best for me, and just a q about the title---is it really Parsons Lake, or Parson's ----(this is due to my ignorance on geography and my laziness or I'd look it up)

Other than that I was rolling around in the richness and just lapping it all up. Brilliant work!!! I'm officially a big fan.


bena

[Aish]

Lol, thank you for the support and enthusiasm, bena. I'm excited to get an edit up. It is indeed Parsons, as odd as that looks.

---

The edit isn't complete, just a work in progress. I will be back to finish up in a few hours.

[ellajam]

Wow, thanks for the lesson in graceful editing.
It's all there, but reads so beautifully now.

[tectak]

Hey, Tek! Just been living is all, nice to see ya and thanks for all the food for thought. I'm curious as to the nit with my choosing to use female gender instead of male gender when referencing deity. Is it because I used the generalized title "God" instead of a specific name? Or because goddess would appear more grammatically correct? Technically the Judeo- Christian God is considered genderless, though the Hebrew names and attributes of God are divided into masculine and feminine. I personally prefer "her", but that is a leaning toward identifying with AdiParashakti/Ohr Ein Soph. Such a personal bent isn't necessary to the poem, it's just the way it came out as my natural conversational tone.
Erthona, nice to have your thoughts on this piece. Time to flex my fingers and put in the grunt work necessary to improve.
I'm truly happy to have such great input from everyone. It's the middle of the night, I'm going to come back tomorrow and implement the suggestions. Thanks again.

Hi aish,
On the god thing you make my point more eloquently than I ever could I have no religious convictions and so have as much interest in sexing god as in sexing a jar of pickled onions...but there are those who would take unwarranted issue with the pointedness of the "her" word...so what? Well, in poetry, as in all things that the moving finger scribes, one has to be carefull not to over-emphasise the irrelevant.
In this piece, I cannot detect the relevance of a deity, yet even an agnostically aligned observer like me noticed the almost polemical contrivance inherent in the gender sensitive use of words...yet by your detailed explanation you dismiss at length the relevance. Hmmm. For me, the point was blunt...not of any consequence to the spirit of the piece and so, were I forced to use that word much beloved of crits, superfluous.
God the father...just my natural conversational tone...or are you sure you want this distraction in your poem?
Best,
tectak

[bena]

I have no issue with a deity being female, having Cherokee blood with religious influences such as the Sun being a female Goddess....it wasn't a distraction to me, but you might want to weigh it for other people.

I think your revision is fantastic, and I was going to add my rambling nonsense to it, but you've really fine tuned it without me just wonderfully. Great job.

bena

Edit: After re-reading (and trust me, I'll read it tons) I personally would like a line break on the very first line after spike....it just be me, it's a thing about the way the page looks, not necessarily the phrasing. Ignore me if you wish.

This bit of line:

"turn down
or off or out," remind me of the beatles, and that is a very good thing. Still admiring.