Gamble

[Malu]

A snake in the hand
Constricting the life away
By the choice of man

[Erthona]

I'm not sure this "form" lends itself to making a political/moral point.

[Malu]

I'm not sure this "form" lends itself to making a political/moral point.

Why is "the man" still holding the snake by choice when it is constricting life away?

[milo]

I'm not sure this "form" lends itself to making a political/moral point.

Why is "the man" still holding the snake by choice when it is constricting life away?

If even you don't know there is little hope for it. A better question is : what is the difference between constricting life and constricting life away?

[Malu]

I'm not sure this "form" lends itself to making a political/moral point.

Why is "the man" still holding the snake by choice when it is constricting life away?

If even you don't know there is little hope for it. A better question is : what is the difference between constricting life and constricting life away?

In my opinion, if it was just constricting life, we wouldn't really get as clear of an answer. Ok it is constricting life, what happens next? Death? Survival? Anything? If it is constricting life away, to me, it gives a clearer reason as to what that leads to.

[milo]

Why is "the man" still holding the snake by choice when it is constricting life away?

If even you don't know there is little hope for it. A better question is : what is the difference between constricting life and constricting life away?

In my opinion, if it was just constricting life, we wouldn't really get as clear of an answer. Ok it is constricting life, what happens next? Death? Survival? Anything? If it is constricting life away, to me, it gives a clearer reason as to what that leads to.

I think you should carefully consider what you are writing. First, a snake can't squeeze "life", it is abstract. You believe that adding the non-word "away" adds to this poem? I don't, but that is probably just me, what do I know?

[Malu]

If even you don't know there is little hope for it. A better question is : what is the difference between constricting life and constricting life away?

In my opinion, if it was just constricting life, we wouldn't really get as clear of an answer. Ok it is constricting life, what happens next? Death? Survival? Anything? If it is constricting life away, to me, it gives a clearer reason as to what that leads to.

I think you should carefully consider what you are writing. First, a snake can't squeeze "life", it is abstract. You believe that adding the non-word "away" adds to this poem? I don't, but that is probably just me, what do I know?

A snake cannot squeeze life away, you're right, but the snake represents something. And I do believe it adds, for the reason of my first reply. But then again what do I even know? Hahaha I'm much more new to this than you, so thanks for the input!

[Erthona]

Although an awkward usage, adding "away" does give the sense of "over time", whereas without it, it only implies "at this moment". It is awkward because the way your poem is structured "away" appears to come at the end of a sentence, thus creating the appearance of a sentence ending in a preposition (although "away" is not technically a preposition), which is generally deemed redundant. This is only possible because these short (illegitimate/ungrammatical) forms allow dependent clauses to exists as a separate and independent "image phrase", such as "By the choice of man".

Obviously the snake squeezing hand is a metaphor, and does not literally mean that. Thus my comment on "political" usage, as it tends to lend itself to a political/moral interpretation such as the snake referring to materialism, which is "squeezing" the spirituality out of man (or his sexuality overpopulating the earth). I say this is such, because "man" in the poem is used in such a way as to imply mankind, and there are only so many situation that can be applied to "mankind" within the context you set up.
Ultimately you are saying "man" is doing himself in, which is hardly new or original.

Dale

Dale

[Malu]

Thanks for the detailed feedback!