Sleeping rough on canvas

[Keith]

Edit Rowens, AJ, Christophersea, rayheinrich

The painting was commissioned
at Bethnal Green
without my consent.
On a tiled wall,
in my own excrement,
I hand-grouted a tube station masterpiece.

Some would say,
In these times he did his finest work.
My critics
called me a dirty bastard
and showered me cold
with a fire hose.

I was warm for the first time,
bunked in a steel farmhouse,
belly full of bread and cheese,
nervous about the new colours,
biting the bristles of my brush.

Original
I commissioned the painting
at Bethnal Green
without my consent.
On a tiled wall,
in my own excrement,
I hand grouted a tube station masterpiece.

Some would say,
In these times he did his finest work.
My critiques
called me a dirty bastard
and showered me cold
with a fire hose.

I was warm for the first time,
bunked in a steel farmhouse,
belly full of bread and cheese,
nervous about the new colours,
biting the bristles of my brush.

[rowens]

This poem seems fine. Only I wondered why you prefer critiques over saying critics in the middle stanza. I guess either way works. Unless critiques holds more significance.

Even the last part, like listing with commas, seems all right here.

[cidermaid]

Hi,
This one has had me comming back a few times for a re-read. I love the plot and think your title works really well.
Like rowens i am a bit puzzled over the interchange between critiques / critics...but it works just fine as it is. (it does make me pause and re-read - just thought i would add my agree comment to rowens on this)
The first stanza does a great job of grabbing my attention. perhaps don't need tube in last line of 1st but not particulalry distracted by this - just feels one word too many. (Not understanding the relevance of bread and cheese though... is it just a simple image for living a poverty struck life?)
Another great read AJ.

[ChristopherSea]

The poem speaks to the artist in me. You have an interesting metaphor in your homeless self as a struggling and reluctant artist. I had some trouble with the first person usage in the initial stanza. Probably just the first 'I'. If it was 'they', maybe it would read better for me. I like this concept a lot Keith! Cheers, your freind in pen/Chris

[Keith]

This poem seems fine. Only I wondered why you prefer critiques over saying critics in the middle stanza. I guess either way works. Unless critiques holds more significance.

Even the last part, like listing with commas, seems all right here.

Hi Rowens, critiques is a mistake I will change it to critics thanks for pointing it out I could have read this a million times and I would still have read that as critics. The listing with commas, was deliberate I was trying to be disjointed and agitated, saying it to someone without eye contact. Getting ready to do another painting. If that makes sense. Thank you for your helpful comments. TOMH

---

Hi,
This one has had me comming back a few times for a re-read. I love the plot and think your title works really well.
Like rowens i am a bit puzzled over the interchange between critiques / critics...but it works just fine as it is. (it does make me pause and re-read - just thought i would add my agree comment to rowens on this)
The first stanza does a great job of grabbing my attention. perhaps don't need tube in last line of 1st but not particulalry distracted by this - just feels one word too many. (Not understanding the relevance of bread and cheese though... is it just a simple image for living a poverty struck life?)
Another great read AJ.

Thank you for taking the time AJ, you have picked out the parts I struggled with, I want to keep tube station so I will maybe split and add a line. Yes bread and cheese, this when linked with farmhouse was supposed to change his cell into a French countryside scene with the mad painter suffering for his art with a simple life. Probably all in my head again but also the food would change the colour and texture of his next painting.

---

The poem speaks to the artist in me. You have an interesting metaphor in your homeless self as a struggling and reluctant artist. I had some trouble with the first person usage in the initial stanza. Probably just the first 'I'. If it was 'they', maybe it would read better for me. I like this concept a lot Keith! Cheers, your freind in pen/Chris

Thanks Chris, the I opening is important to me as it is used to show my painters madness and that he is not responsible for his actions, as you say homeless and suffering for his art. I guess there is a little bit of me in this, more on the lines that what he sees as a masterpiece others see no more than shite on a wall. Cheers Keith

[Milburn]

Hi, It's really Nice to read your poetry and Your comments too.
so is there any new religious poetry for upcoming christmas days.
Prefabricated Homes

[Leanne]

Hi, It's really Nice to read your poetry and Your comments too.
so is there any new religious poetry for upcoming christmas days.

This comment has nothing to do with the poem. Meaningless words like these will not contribute to your post count to allow you full access to the site/ admin

[rayheinrich]

Such a well-drawn image of mental conflict and resolution
(both elliptical and complete).

Maybe a hyphen in 'hand-grouted'?
And I think:
'I hand-grouted the tube station masterpiece."
should be said in a single line instead of breaking it
as it puts an unnatural (to me) pause in it.

[Keith]

Such a well-drawn image of mental conflict and resolution
(both elliptical and complete).

Maybe a hyphen in 'hand-grouted'?
And I think:
'I hand-grouted the tube station masterpiece."
should be said in a single line instead of breaking it
as it puts an unnatural (to me) pause in it.

Many thanks for your kind words and suggestions I have added the to the edit as I thought they both improved the flow as per your comment. Thanks TOMH