One Night (edit #2)

[ellajam]

edit #2

Huddling to plan
their escape, they skipped
small town fireworks,
headed for the shore
to stroll arcades
like in childless days.

Hair forced into style
little dress over long legs,
she kisses her boy goodbye,
promises to win him
a small stuffed toy,
leaves her phone home.

They walk the dark night
a bit of the old carefree,
love and lust jersey heat.
Girls eye him, guys eye her
young and gorgeous,
out late but not
as late as expected.


yaaahh, my ability to punctuate is rusty to say the least

edit #1

huddling
getaway planned
town fireworks skipped
they head for the shore
to stroll arcades
like in childless days

hair forced into style
little dress over long legs
she kisses her boy goodbye
promises to win him
a small stuffed toy
leaves her phone home

they walk the dark night
a bit of the old carefree
love and lust jersey heat
girls eye him guys eye her
young and gorgeous
out late, but not
as late as expected

Original

huddling
they planned their getaway
foregoing small town fireworks
dreaming of the shore
of strolling arcades
pre-baby days

hair forced into style
little dress over long legs
she kisses her boy goodbye
promising to win him
a small stuffed toy
leaves her phone home

they walk the dark night
a bit of the old carefree
love and lust jersey heat
girls eye him guys eye her
young and gorgeous
out late, but not
as late as expected

[Malu]

huddling
they planned their getaway
foregoing small town fireworks
dreaming of the shore
of strolling arcades
pre-baby days

hair forced into style
little dress over long legs
she kisses her boy goodbye
promising to win him
a small stuffed toy
leaves her phone home

they walk the dark night
a bit of the old carefree
love and lust jersey heat
girls eye him guys eye her
young and gorgeous
out late, but not
as late as expected

I love the theme here, my only critique would be for detail but there is a good amount and I got a clear visual image, maybe just a little more usage of a few poetic devices to add a little extra.

Nice poem! Hope this helps

[billy]

hi marcella (i think i got the name right )

for me ing words, gerunds or other always seem to weaken a word the more you use the weaker a poem becomes. i wonder if huddled would work better for an opener. i'd also try and make it a tight as possible, remove anything that doesn't help.

i first got the feeling of eloping but it isn't doesn't feel like an elopement. more like have a night away from the kids. the last line hooks back to the first stanza it has a sad quality about it. and also a bit of joy

huddled
a planned getaway
......

use words that suite,[no] instead of [foregoing]

huddling
they planned their getaway
foregoing small town fireworks
dreaming of the shore
of strolling arcades
pre-baby days is this indicating they have kids or their childhood days?

hair forced into style try and use an image instead of the style. beehives, or some other names of hairstyles they use.
little dress over long legs i like the use of little instead of short, it give a better image of skin tight
she kisses her boy goodbye
promising to win him
a small stuffed toy
leaves her phone home so in the previous stanza it was her child

they walk the dark night
a bit of the old carefree
love and lust jersey heat lust-Jersey heat or lust, Jersey heat
girls eye him guys eye her
young and gorgeous
out late, but not
as late as expected

[ellajam]

Thank you Malu and billy, you've given me some challenges, ( who knew "pre-baby days" was so confusing ? ). I'll start thinking on it, thanks for taking the time to read and comment.

[billy]

it might just be me just remember not to jump into any edits without a good bit of thought and a little time

[ellajam]

it might just be me just remember not to jump into any edits without a good bit of thought and a little time

What's the matter, don't want me to take out the big knife and slaughter another one? *smilie of an axe swinging madman*

[billy]

slaughter can be good at times it's just that sometimes poets think what other poets say is more valid than the poem that they say it about. one of the hardest things to learn is when to stop using the knife. something i've yet to master myself. with me sometimes, it's like being to eager to please instead of stepping back and asking myself what i want from the poem, of course if a poem shit it's shit you have hope with this one though :J:

[ellajam]

Being new to editing, for me its not so much wanting to please someone else, but to try to use the ideas offered to me. Its fun so I want to do it. Good thing the final edit is no more permanent than the original. The only risk is looking like a bad poet, and seeing as I've written tons of bad poetry, thats a title I can live with as long as I'm enjoying the process.

[billy]

most of use look like bad poets most of the time so you'll be in semi decent company.

[ellajam]

for me ing words, gerunds or other always seem to weaken a word the more you use the weaker a poem becomes. i wonder if huddled would work better for an opener. i'd also try and make it a tight as possible, remove anything that doesn't help.

i first got the feeling of eloping but it isn't doesn't feel like an elopement. more like have a night away from the kids. the last line hooks back to the first stanza it has a sad quality about it. and also a bit of joy

huddled
a planned getaway
......

use words that suite,[no] instead of [foregoing]

I have no prejudice for or against ing words, with the exception of loving a good fling of any sort. As a gerund it is a word of action, which to me is a good thing in a poem, it's in the moment.

Huddling can be changed to "in a huddle", but that's more words. Huddled for me brings up more "in a doorway" than on a football field.

I'm thinking.

[milo]

for me ing words, gerunds or other always seem to weaken a word the more you use the weaker a poem becomes. i wonder if huddled would work better for an opener. i'd also try and make it a tight as possible, remove anything that doesn't help.

i first got the feeling of eloping but it isn't doesn't feel like an elopement. more like have a night away from the kids. the last line hooks back to the first stanza it has a sad quality about it. and also a bit of joy

huddled
a planned getaway
......

use words that suite,[no] instead of [foregoing]

I have no prejudice for or against ing words, with the exception of loving a good fling of any sort. As a gerund it is a word of action, which to me is a good thing in a poem, it's in the moment.

Huddling can be changed to "in a huddle", but that's more words. Huddled for me brings up more "in a doorway" than on a football field.

I'm thinking.

Huddling in this case is an active participle, not a gerund. The reason to avoid it, generally, in your writing is because it is passive voice. You don't see it because you have implied the pronoun and the verb (they, are). The active form would be huddled, but then you couldn't imply the pronoun as it would switch to second person so you would have to write "they huddled". In this case, though I generally prefer active voice, I prefer the economy of "huddling". Of course you abandon this economy in the very next line by including 2 pronouns , one of them the very one you implied so it might not be a bad idea to switch to all active voice to see what happens.

[ellajam]

for me ing words, gerunds or other always seem to weaken a word the more you use the weaker a poem becomes. i wonder if huddled would work better for an opener. i'd also try and make it a tight as possible, remove anything that doesn't help.

i first got the feeling of eloping but it isn't doesn't feel like an elopement. more like have a night away from the kids. the last line hooks back to the first stanza it has a sad quality about it. and also a bit of joy

huddled
a planned getaway
......

use words that suite,[no] instead of [foregoing]

I have no prejudice for or against ing words, with the exception of loving a good fling of any sort. As a gerund it is a word of action, which to me is a good thing in a poem, it's in the moment.

Huddling can be changed to "in a huddle", but that's more words. Huddled for me brings up more "in a doorway" than on a football field.

I'm thinking.

Huddling in this case is an active participle, not a gerund. The reason to avoid it, generally, in your writing is because it is passive voice. You don't see it because you have implied the pronoun and the verb (they, are). The active form would be huddled, but then you couldn't imply the pronoun as it would switch to second person so you would have to write "they huddled". In this case, though I generally prefer active voice, I prefer the economy of "huddling". Of course you abandon this economy in the very next line by including 2 pronouns , one of them the very one you implied so it might not be a bad idea to switch to all active voice to see what happens.

Thanks milo,

huddling
planning their getaway
foregoing small town fireworks

Now it's too many ings for me. I can't lose their without exchanging it for a, no improvement?

huddling
planning their getaway
small town fireworks rejected

maybe

[ChristopherSea]

I have no prejudice for or against ing words, with the exception of loving a good fling of any sort. As a gerund it is a word of action, which to me is a good thing in a poem, it's in the moment.

Huddling can be changed to "in a huddle", but that's more words. Huddled for me brings up more "in a doorway" than on a football field.

I'm thinking.

Huddling in this case is an active participle, not a gerund. The reason to avoid it, generally, in your writing is because it is passive voice. You don't see it because you have implied the pronoun and the verb (they, are). The active form would be huddled, but then you couldn't imply the pronoun as it would switch to second person so you would have to write "they huddled". In this case, though I generally prefer active voice, I prefer the economy of "huddling". Of course you abandon this economy in the very next line by including 2 pronouns , one of them the very one you implied so it might not be a bad idea to switch to all active voice to see what happens.

Thanks milo,

huddling
planning their getaway
foregoing small town fireworks

Now it's too many ings for me. I can't lose their without exchanging it for a, no improvement?

huddling
planning their getaway
small town fireworks rejected

maybe

I don't know if you are sticking to your beloved Tanka scheme, but you could change tense:

huddled
they planned their getaway
forewent small town fireworks
dreamed of the shore
of strolling arcades
pre-baby days

[ellajam]

Huddling in this case is an active participle, not a gerund. The reason to avoid it, generally, in your writing is because it is passive voice. You don't see it because you have implied the pronoun and the verb (they, are). The active form would be huddled, but then you couldn't imply the pronoun as it would switch to second person so you would have to write "they huddled". In this case, though I generally prefer active voice, I prefer the economy of "huddling". Of course you abandon this economy in the very next line by including 2 pronouns , one of them the very one you implied so it might not be a bad idea to switch to all active voice to see what happens.

Thanks milo,

huddling
planning their getaway
foregoing small town fireworks

Now it's too many ings for me. I can't lose their without exchanging it for a, no improvement?

huddling
planning their getaway
small town fireworks rejected

maybe

I don't know if you are sticking to your beloved Tanka scheme, but you could change tense:

huddled
they planned their getaway
forewent small town fireworks
dreamed of the shore
of strolling arcades
pre-baby days

ha, this was written before I knew what a tanka was.

Although I complained about the word huddled before, that's got possibilities. I like forewent. Thanks.

thinking....

[milo]

Thanks milo,

huddling
planning their getaway
foregoing small town fireworks

Now it's too many ings for me. I can't lose their without exchanging it for a, no improvement?

huddling
planning their getaway
small town fireworks rejected

maybe

I don't know if you are sticking to your beloved Tanka scheme, but you could change tense:

huddled
they planned their getaway
forewent small town fireworks
dreamed of the shore
of strolling arcades
pre-baby days

ha, this was written before I knew what a tanka was.

Although I complained about the word huddled before, that's got possibilities. I like forewent. Thanks.

thinking....

heh -just shows what taste can do, I was going to balk about "forwent", it feels, imo, too alien for this piece, I would go for something more comfortable like skipped.

[ellajam]

I don't know if you are sticking to your beloved Tanka scheme, but you could change tense:

huddled
they planned their getaway
forewent small town fireworks
dreamed of the shore
of strolling arcades
pre-baby days

ha, this was written before I knew what a tanka was.

Although I complained about the word huddled before, that's got possibilities. I like forewent. Thanks.

thinking....

heh -just shows what taste can do, I was going to balk about "forwent", it feels, imo, too alien for this piece, I would go for something more comfortable like skipped.

ha, I agree, I was sounding out skipping, while fighting huddled.

Skipping, good. or skipped. or they skip.

[milo]

ha, this was written before I knew what a tanka was.

Although I complained about the word huddled before, that's got possibilities. I like forewent. Thanks.

thinking....

heh -just shows what taste can do, I was going to balk about "forwent", it feels, imo, too alien for this piece, I would go for something more comfortable like skipped.

ha, I agree, I was sounding out skipping, while fighting huddled.

Skipping, good. or skipped. or they skip.

if you could find a way to break on skipped it would provide a nice double meaning expressing the joy of not having children.

[ellajam]

heh -just shows what taste can do, I was going to balk about "forwent", it feels, imo, too alien for this piece, I would go for something more comfortable like skipped.

ha, I agree, I was sounding out skipping, while fighting huddled.

Skipping, good. or skipped. or they skip.

if you could find a way to break on skipped it would provide a nice double meaning expressing the joy of not having children.

While I understand the joy of not having children , I can't figure out how a break on skipped would imply that. I'll see what happens when I shift the words around.

Again, thanks to all for discussing it with me.

[milo]

ha, I agree, I was sounding out skipping, while fighting huddled.

Skipping, good. or skipped. or they skip.

if you could find a way to break on skipped it would provide a nice double meaning expressing the joy of not having children.

While I understand the joy of not having children , I can't figure out how a break on skipped would imply that. I'll see what happens when I shift the words around.

Again, thanks to all for discussing it with me.

hand in hand we skipped along with the joys
of never having children or their silly toys

[ellajam]

if you could find a way to break on skipped it would provide a nice double meaning expressing the joy of not having children.

While I understand the joy of not having children , I can't figure out how a break on skipped would imply that. I'll see what happens when I shift the words around.

Again, thanks to all for discussing it with me.

hand in hand we skipped along with the joys
of never having children or their silly toys

content to have followed our intuition
no terrible twos or college tuition