Does Passion Burn?

[ZachSmith]

Glowing faintly in skies of gray, burning insanity,
The night begins to lighten and comfort the fear that was in place.
Glares off her hazel, glistening eyes mirror to mine.
Smiles and grins help to break the silence and show hope of not becoming lost once more.

Beauty in it's ultimate, passionate form has caused mesmerizing love,
and curosity that sparks madness to the thought of one leaving.
It's time to leave once again,
Off to another world where hatred stirs, boils more.

Goodbyes are always an uproar that leads fears into reality,
my bags packed and weapons cleaned.
her life has already become half depleted with my disappearance,
I'm off to fight my honorable fight for my freedom with my love.

Forgive me again,
I didn't mean to fall to their feet.
Love me forever,
I'll fight them off for as long as my passion is alive.

I can't hold on much longer, my life is burning out.

[rowens]

There are typos in here. Many of the lines sound muddled, like a lazy translation from another language. But do you have anything to say about that? Is it well thought out, or is it unintentional?

[ZachSmith]

There are typos in here. Many of the lines sound muddled, like a lazy translation from another language. But do you have anything to say about that? Is it well thought out, or is it unintentional?

Unintentional, really. I don't to much follow any style of poetry. I just write what I feel and how I feel it. I guess I have my own style.

[rowens]

Most here won't comment on your poems if you don't take part in other people's threads. Even when you post in this or the For Fun section. You'll get warned. I'm commenting because I'm drinking again and feel inspired.

You have a few typos, like it's instead of its. There are a few others. And the lines seem muddled because they're so wordy. You could look over the poem some more, see if you want to change anything.

[milo]

There are typos in here. Many of the lines sound muddled, like a lazy translation from another language. But do you have anything to say about that? Is it well thought out, or is it unintentional?

Unintentional, really. I don't to much follow any style of poetry. I just write what I feel and how I feel it. I guess I have my own style.

your own style seems exactly like the "own" style of millions of others clueless "poets" that never bother to actually learn about poetry or put any time or work into it.

Weird.

[Erthona]

The inanity of a rhetorical question as a title generally speaks for itself. Why is this inane? It is inane because the writer is not going to purpose a statement with which he disagrees. I would point out that this is a type of informal fallacy, but in this case the conclusion is obviously true, at least as far as the writer is concerned, I assume no one is going to offer a counter argument.

You seem to write mostly in dependent clauses, or dependent clauses that are attached to independent clauses but have no real connection to them. That is not a style, that is simply poor writing. Examples:

"Glares off her hazel, glistening eyes mirror to mine." (Dependent clause - senseless)
"Glowing faintly in skies of gray, burning insanity" (Attached but still senseless)

Generally though, this piece of writing is simply vague unattached statements as it offhandedly throws out phrases like:

"her life has already become" Who is she? Oh I see it must be "Glares off her hazel".

I could bring out nearly every line of this poem and show that it is grammatically a mess, or even if it vaguely resembles a complete sentence it still makes no sense.

I would suggest learning to write in short sentences that make sense. Writing poetry is much harder than reading something you really haven't a clue about and then trying to mimic it, which is what I must assume you are attempting here.

Sorry, I would like to say something positive about this, I really would, but milo is right. It is as though you went to the art store and bought an art kit, went home and started slapping paint on the canvas without having a clue as to what you are doing; unaware of depth, perspective, shading, texture, etc.


Dale