His Masterpiece (A Comedy of Creation) SENSITIVE
#1
(Some poetic license taken; Satan made me write this)

This was to be the last Creation Day.
The Lord came down, scooped up some clay
From His just-finished Eden site,
Then blinked one eye—gone was the night.
And He called forth His angel host:
"Behold," He said, "my work is done—almost.
I have some clay in my hand,
And here, the Word at my command.

"With hand and Word I caused all things to be;
Have I not made dry lands rise from the sea?
I made this Earth, and life that shall increase
And be submissive to my masterpiece.
This clay shall yield the crown of my creation;
I'll call it—MAN, which stands for CULMINATION."

“You doubt me, Satan Morningstar?"
Said he: "Oh, no; man will be—wunderbar."

"You have been jealous since my work began!
Enough! Let us proceed to make our perfect man,
And we shall make him in our likeness."
God turned that clayish slippery mess
Into a slippery clayish sphere,
Which He then tucked, some here, some there,
or used the Word where His hands failed—
And in the end—young Adam wailed!

He did look worthy of God's work,
Yet Morningstar concealed a smirk:
Man matched his maker limb for limb,
But God had added, at a whim,
A certain, odd projection
That, perhaps, required correction.

"Ask me," said Satan Morningstar,
"Uhhh—something is not up to par!
Could this be more than just a flaw?"
(God's angels do not have what Satan saw.)

"He's fine,” said God, "no need for vivisection...."
"But, Lord, he has too much—perfection."
"Well," God said, "oh, perhaps a snip; a circumcision."
But Satan would not rest at that decision:
"O Lord, Thou should not leave him be like this!
I say, what he has not, he'll never miss."

There passed a very brief time span.
Yes, God did have another plan.
When He put man in deep repose,
Now Satan had good reason to suppose
That He might yet remove that certain section—
But God took things into a new direction.
He carved a single rib from Adam's chest—
And Satan said, "I'll be #@%&@...blest."

God spoke: "For Adam let us make a wife…."
Behold—an extra rib now came alive;
Awake, it cried, "My name is Steve!"
"This merits changes,” God said, “I believe.”
He quickly added, with a sigh,
"I goofed—I made another guy!"

To Steve He quickly tacked on breasts—
And then he made some changes to the rest . . . .
Same flesh, same bone, yet not the same,
and Steve . . .uhhh, Eve . . . Adam's wife became.
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#2
(09-13-2013, 01:06 AM)Snowbells Wrote:  (Some poetic license taken; Satan made me write this)

This was to be the last Creation Day.
The Lord came down, scooped up some clay
From His just-finished Eden site,
Then blinked one eye—gone was the night.
And He called forth His angel host:
"Behold," He said, "my work is done—almost.
I have some clay in my hand,
And here, the Word at my command.

"With hand and Word I caused all things to be;
Have I not made dry lands rise from the sea?
I made this Earth, and life that shall increase
And be submissive to my masterpiece.
This clay shall yield the crown of my creation;
I'll call it—MAN, which stands for CULMINATION."

“You doubt me, Satan Morningstar?"
Said he: "Oh, no; man will be—wunderbar."

"You have been jealous since my work began!
Enough! Let us proceed to make our perfect man,
And we shall make him in our likeness."
God turned that clayish slippery mess
Into a slippery clayish sphere,
Which He then tucked, some here, some there,
or used the Word where His hands failed—
And in the end—young Adam wailed!

He did look worthy of God's work,
Yet Morningstar concealed a smirk:
Man matched his maker limb for limb,
But God had added, at a whim,
A certain, odd projection
That, perhaps, required correction.

"Ask me," said Satan Morningstar,
"Uhhh—something is not up to par!
Could this be more than just a flaw?"
(God's angels do not have what Satan saw.)

"He's fine,” said God, "no need for vivisection...."
"But, Lord, he has too much—perfection."
"Well," God said, "oh, perhaps a snip; a circumcision."
But Satan would not rest at that decision:
"O Lord, Thou should not leave him be like this!
I say, what he has not, he'll never miss."

There passed a very brief time span.
Yes, God did have another plan.
When He put man in deep repose,
Now Satan had good reason to suppose
That He might yet remove that certain section—
But God took things into a new direction.
He carved a single rib from Adam's chest—
And Satan said, "I'll be #@%&@...blest."

God spoke: "For Adam let us make a wife…."
Behold—an extra rib now came alive;
Awake, it cried, "My name is Steve!"
"This merits changes,” God said, “I believe.”
He quickly added, with a sigh,
"I goofed—I made another guy!"

To Steve He quickly tacked on breasts—
And then he made some changes to the rest . . . .
Same flesh, same bone, yet not the same,
and Steve . . .uhhh, Eve . . . Adam's wife became.

...and when I read this I said aloud 'oh deary me', lol, sorry

ok, the title:
an apt elton john paraphrasing kinda shit thing would be better, like 'lucifer in the sky with diamonds'

don't use the word 'clay' so much, you even used 'clayish' and I'm not even sure that's a real word!

anyone that tries to make a poem from god's perspective, well... gosh, set your sights higher eh, lol.

all that steve stuff made me think of the rocky horror show ... 'in just seven days I can make you a mahahahahaaaaan'

I do apologise for this terrible critique, it's probably cos I'm an atheist.

x
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#3
Thanks Scurry;
"clayish" isn't a dictionary word, but Satan said it's okay to use it. All the poets in hell use poetic license, lol. I thought my friend Steve and the hell-and brimstone crowd would chime in; but so far, so good. I'm just having fun, and to tell the truth, I don't think the big "G" gives a hoot about this one of my many trespasses. Thanks for your suggestions. Regards,
Jerry
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#4
Hi Snowbells,
This ticked the box for amusing (As a rabid Christian no probs with this...it has a monty python, meaning of life esq feel to it - just good fun to my read. No offence found / no need for the conditioner on the title for me). Loved the steve / eve play at the end. I think G has a great sense of humour and you have a nice style, keep writing. Enjoyed this one.

One small comment (might be back to offer more - out of time for now) I don't mind clayish but you use it twice within the same stanza and I think this is too much. How about lumpy instead of the second clayish?

All the best AJ.
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#5
Thanks, Cidermaid;
and there I thought this poem would earmark me for hell because I treated the biblical creation chapter in such a lighthearted manner. "The Meaning of Life" is one of my favorite Monty Python movies--along with Life of Brian. I have noted your "clayish" versus 'lumpy' comment, and since you are the second poet to have commented on my word choice, I agree: "lumpy" works better. Thanks for that, and I welcome any other suggestion. Glad you visited,
Jerry
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