Faith i t American God edit 2.0 eileen, news, true, billy, svan, chris,milo, erthona

[tectak]

Edit 2

The boys were shootin’ cans and bottles, drinkin’ hard for Sabbath day;
while one dry mile across the prairie, Devil dancers pranced and flew.
A red thread flickered thin and broken; king snake on a hot highway.
Haze gingered up the ripplin’ sky-line forcin’ eyes to rise to blue.

Copperin’ light brought miss-hit curses; one by one the guns went dead.
Above, like eagle wings unfoldin’, the stingin' smoke seared eyes turned wild
and fledged the sun with feathered plumin’. All around, the land turned red.
The snake came windin’ down the incline; cracklin’ demon, Satan’s child.

We peered to where the Chevy shimmered, hiss-hot in the swirlin’ ash,
with crimson flames all painted on her, lookin’ like she knew her fate.
We’re runnin’, runnin’ over tinder, lungs a’cookin in the dash,
twice a' fell and twice recovered; a' ran ‘til someone screamed “Too late!”

A vengeful blast of heat roared forward, hit me like a shunt caboose.
This bein’ Sunday, my God saved me; struck me down and peeled my eyes,
seared off my scalp and left me naked. Dreadful burnt, He cut me loose.
Ol’ Lucifer, you couldn’t git me...seems I beat the Prince of Lies.

Praise the Lord.

(I was tempted to write the last line for true: "...seems ah whupped the Prince'o Lies". Restraint is a virtue!

Original

The boys were shootin’ cans and bottles, drinkin’ hard on God’s rest-day;
while one dry mile across the prairie, Devil Dancers pranced and flew.
A red thread flickered thin and broken; king snake on a hot highway.
Haze gingered up the ripplin’ sky-line forcin’ eyes to rise to blue.

Copperin’ light brought mis-hit curses; one by one the guns went dead.
Above, like eagle wings unfoldin’, thick sepia smoke teared eyes turned wild
and fledged the sun with feathered plumin’. All about, the land turned red.
The snake came windin’ down the incline; cracklin’ demon, Satan’s child.

We peered to where the Chevy shimmered, hiss-hot in the swirlin’ ash,
with crimson flames all painted on her, lookin’ like she knew her fate.
We’re runnin’, runnin’ over tinder, lungs a’cookin in the dash,
twice ah fell and twice recovered; ah ran ‘til someone screamed “Too late!”

A vengeful blast of heat roared forward, hit me like a shunt caboose.
Bein’ Sunday, my God found me; He struck me down and peeled my eyes,
seared off my scalp and left me naked. Dreadful burned, He cut me loose.
Ol’ Lucifer, you couldn’t take me, seems I beat the Prince of Lies.

Praise the Lord.

tectak
2011
A convert following a prairie fire. Youtube 2008-9

[newsclippings]

The red thread flickered thin and broken; king snake on a hot highway.
Smoke gingered up the ripplin’ sky-line forcin’ eyes to rise to blue .

I like this. You're a cowboy, leaving consonants out of the ends of your words. Okay. A little tacky for me at first, but I'll put myself in a western.

The boys were shootin’ cans and bottles, drinkin’ hard on God’s rest-day;
while one dry mile across the prairie Devil’s Dancers pranced and flew.

"God's rest-day" seems a bit awkward. "Cans and bottles" maybe a little redundant and forced to keep the meter.

Copperin’ light brought mis-hit curses; one by one the guns went dead.
Above, like eagle wings unfoldin’, thick sepia smoke teared eyes turned wild
and killed the sun with feathered plumin’. All about, the land turned red.
The snake came windin’ down the incline; cracklin’ demon, Satan’s child.

This 'ere is a'turning into one mighty fine story. I feel a country jig a'comin' on.

We looked to where the Chevy shimmered, hiss-hot in the swirlin’ ash,
with crimson flames all painted on her, lookin’ like she knew her fate.
We’re runnin’, runnin’ over tinder, lungs a’cookin in the dash.
Twice ah fell and twice recovered. I ran ‘til someone screamed “Too late!”

A vengeful blast of heat roared forward, hit me like a loose caboose.
Bein’ Sunday, my God found me; He struck me down and peeled my eyes,
seared off my scalp and left me naked. Dreadful burned , He cut me loose.

I can't figure out if this odd capitalization here is purposeful. Maybe my critique is premature.

Ol’ Lucifer, you couldn’t take me, seems I beat the Prince of Lies.

tectak
2011

I like how you take on starkly different personas for every new piece you create. For me, it's hard to put on a new face, because poetry does something different for me. I admire this in you.
I appreciate the work you did on this one. What is it, an octameter? Good on you.

Also thinkin' on a cowboy reciting poetry, well it makes me blush.

[tectak]

The red thread flickered thin and broken; king snake on a hot highway.
Smoke gingered up the ripplin’ sky-line forcin’ eyes to rise to blue .

I like this. You're a cowboy, leaving consonants out of the ends of your words. Okay. A little tacky for me at first, but I'll put myself in a western.

The boys were shootin’ cans and bottles, drinkin’ hard on God’s rest-day;
while one dry mile across the prairie Devil’s Dancers pranced and flew.

"God's rest-day" seems a bit awkward. "Cans and bottles" maybe a little redundant and forced to keep the meter.

Copperin’ light brought mis-hit curses; one by one the guns went dead.
Above, like eagle wings unfoldin’, thick sepia smoke teared eyes turned wild
and killed the sun with feathered plumin’. All about, the land turned red.
The snake came windin’ down the incline; cracklin’ demon, Satan’s child.

This 'ere is a'turning into one mighty fine story. I feel a country jig a'comin' on.

We looked to where the Chevy shimmered, hiss-hot in the swirlin’ ash,
with crimson flames all painted on her, lookin’ like she knew her fate.
We’re runnin’, runnin’ over tinder, lungs a’cookin in the dash.
Twice ah fell and twice recovered. I ran ‘til someone screamed “Too late!”

A vengeful blast of heat roared forward, hit me like a loose caboose.
Bein’ Sunday, my God found me; He struck me down and peeled my eyes,
seared off my scalp and left me naked. Dreadful burned , He cut me loose.

I can't figure out if this odd capitalization here is purposeful. Maybe my critique is premature.

Ol’ Lucifer, you couldn’t take me, seems I beat the Prince of Lies.

tectak
2011

I like how you take on starkly different personas for every new piece you create. For me, it's hard to put on a new face, because poetry does something different for me. I admire this in you.
I appreciate the work you did on this one. What is it, an octameter? Good on you.

Also thinkin' on a cowboy reciting poetry, well it makes me blush.

Hi news,
Good to hear from you....nah, I'm a Yorkshire/Clydebank cross!
My avatar (thanks billy) is supposed to be Lingua in Maxillam. Thanks billy.
I don't try too hard but I get what I get and this is Pirates of Penzance stuff...Model of a Modern Major General...iambic octameter.
I wrote this one and lost it about four years back. The recent discussion about gerunds with volaticus spurred me on to find it. The only capitals are when giving a god reference out of reverence...apart from those required by grammar. Note. I posted in haste but did a little on-line editing to finalise. You got in sideways!
Best,
tectak

[newsclippings]

Something about the spacing too. Is that on purpose as well?

[tectak]

Something about the spacing too. Is that on purpose as well?

Spacing? Can't see any. Where?
Best, tectak

[newsclippings]

You done fixed the one after the second line, but there's this one too, "seared off my scalp and left me naked. Dreadful burned , He cut me loose." -- before "He"

---

after burned

[EileenGreay]

A red thread flickered thin and broken; king snake on a hot highway.
Smoke gingered up the ripplin’ sky-line forcin’ eyes to rise to blue .
The boys were shootin’ cans and bottles, drinkin’ hard on God’s rest-day;
while one dry mile across the prairie Devil’s Dancers pranced and flew. Hmmm, I really like these lines, but I think you could play around with the order of them. For me, the third line would be a stronger, more immediate start. So you could see how you like the order 3 4 1 2?

Copperin’ light brought mis-hit curses; one by one the guns went dead. Not sure about 'copperin'', I'd suggest 'coppered'.
Above, like eagle wings unfoldin’, thick sepia smoke teared eyes turned wild A wonderful image - but do you need 'fledged' and 'feathered'? Perhaps a bit of a bird imagery overload.
and fledged the sun with feathered plumin’. All about, the land turned red. I think the second half of this line could be more imaginatively expressed; there's so much wonderful imagery in this poem, that this seems to jar a little.
The snake came windin’ down the incline; cracklin’ demon, Satan’s child.

We looked to where the Chevy shimmered, hiss-hot in the swirlin’ ash,
with crimson flames all painted on her, lookin’ like she knew her fate. Great lines. Maybe change one of 'looked' or 'lookin' so avoid the sense of repetition.
We’re runnin’, runnin’ over tinder, lungs a’cookin in the dash.
Twice ah fell and twice recovered. I ran ‘til someone screamed “Too late!” I like the replacement of 'I' with 'Ah' so get a sense of accent across - but I think you need to do one or the other in this line. I'd replace the full stop with a comma, and the 'I' with 'ah'. This way the sense of running comes across a bit more.

A vengeful blast of heat roared forward, hit me like a shunt caboose. I feel that the sense of this line would be improved if you could avoid the comma - so that the line really does bulldoze its way through. I would replace 'forward' with 'forth and'; then you can lose the comma, and 'forth' has a strong association with the language of scripture and sermon.
Bein’ Sunday, my God found me; He struck me down and peeled my eyes,
seared off my scalp and left me naked. Dreadful burned , He cut me loose.
Ol’ Lucifer, you couldn’t take me, seems I beat the Prince of Lies.

Praise the Lord

tectak
2011
A convert following a prairie fire. Youtube 2008-9

Tectak, I really enjoyed reading this. Fantastic work. I don't have the time right now to do the thorough critique that this deserves, but I'll make a few notes and return to reread this later.

For me the metre really works - I'll have to read again to see if anything disrupts it for me. Thank you for posting this.

Eileen

[tectak]

You done fixed the one after the second line, but there's this one too, "seared off my scalp and left me naked. Dreadful burned , He cut me loose." -- before "He"

---

after burned

Yep, I gott'em. Should have gone to specsavers.
Thanks, tectak.

---

A red thread flickered thin and broken; king snake on a hot highway.
Smoke gingered up the ripplin’ sky-line forcin’ eyes to rise to blue .
The boys were shootin’ cans and bottles, drinkin’ hard on God’s rest-day;
while one dry mile across the prairie Devil’s Dancers pranced and flew. Hmmm, I really like these lines, but I think you could play around with the order of them. For me, the third line would be a stronger, more immediate start. So you could see how you like the order 3 4 1 2?

Copperin’ light brought mis-hit curses; one by one the guns went dead. Not sure about 'copperin'', I'd suggest 'coppered'.
Above, like eagle wings unfoldin’, thick sepia smoke teared eyes turned wild A wonderful image - but do you need 'fledged' and 'feathered'? Perhaps a bit of a bird imagery overload.
and fledged the sun with feathered plumin’. All about, the land turned red. I think the second half of this line could be more imaginatively expressed; there's so much wonderful imagery in this poem, that this seems to jar a little.
The snake came windin’ down the incline; cracklin’ demon, Satan’s child.

We looked to where the Chevy shimmered, hiss-hot in the swirlin’ ash,
with crimson flames all painted on her, lookin’ like she knew her fate. Great lines. Maybe change one of 'looked' or 'lookin' so avoid the sense of repetition.
We’re runnin’, runnin’ over tinder, lungs a’cookin in the dash.
Twice ah fell and twice recovered. I ran ‘til someone screamed “Too late!” I like the replacement of 'I' with 'Ah' so get a sense of accent across - but I think you need to do one or the other in this line. I'd replace the full stop with a comma, and the 'I' with 'ah'. This way the sense of running comes across a bit more.

A vengeful blast of heat roared forward, hit me like a shunt caboose. I feel that the sense of this line would be improved if you could avoid the comma - so that the line really does bulldoze its way through. I would replace 'forward' with 'forth and'; then you can lose the comma, and 'forth' has a strong association with the language of scripture and sermon.
Bein’ Sunday, my God found me; He struck me down and peeled my eyes,
seared off my scalp and left me naked. Dreadful burned , He cut me loose.
Ol’ Lucifer, you couldn’t take me, seems I beat the Prince of Lies.

Praise the Lord

tectak
2011
A convert following a prairie fire. Youtube 2008-9

Tectak, I really enjoyed reading this. Fantastic work. I don't have the time right now to do the thorough critique that this deserves, but I'll make a few notes and return to reread this later.

For me the metre really works - I'll have to read again to see if anything disrupts it for me. Thank you for posting this.

Eileen

Many thanks Eileen,
Love the suggestion for line order change in S1. Will do. Coppering is a know gun users expression but maybe a little too esoteric here. We will see. The fledged ( naked sun--as in bald [eagle}--then covered by feathers, or fledged) metaphor was to get the wordplay on plumes (of feathers /of smoke). I stretched it for myself so am loathe to part with it. It may be OTT. Again, if it has to go it will. Roared forth? Yes. I like it....but it may be a cliche call. Any takers?
Edit will be FORTH coming.
Best,
Tectak

[Truerenigma]

The boys were shootin’ cans and bottles, drinkin’ hard on God’s rest-day; the Term is day of rest. Awkward as hell
while one dry mile across the prairie, Devil Dancers dust devils pranced and flew.
A red thread flickered thin and broken; king snake on a hot highway. everything after the semi colon is the best line in the poem. I don't like all the modification before it. Even the cadence is off.
Haze gingered up the ripplin’ sky-line forcin’ eyes to rise to blue. gingered up is weird, unnatural, and out of place.

Copperin’ light brought mis-hit curses; one by one the guns went dead. what the he'll us copperin light? This is all strangely brogue-ish
Above, like eagle wings unfoldin’, thick sepia smoke teared eyes turned wild sepia is awkward
and fledged the sun with feathered plumin’. All about, the land turned red. fledged and plumin is awkward
The snake came windin’ down the incline; cracklin’ demon, Satan’s child. good line

We peered to where the Chevy shimmered, hiss-hot in the swirlin’ ash, hiss hot is weird and awkward. Strangely, the Chevy caught me of guard and is an obvious forced american ism. Up until now I was holding out hope for a story about an irish immigrant in the American west in the mid 1800's. I think the peice would work best pre-civil war.
with crimson flames all painted on her, lookin’ like she knew her fate. painted all on her. Or all up on her in Arkansas. Not all painted on her.
We’re runnin’, runnin’ over tinder, lungs a’cookin in the dash, suddenly and strangely "a'is added to start a word out of nowhere. I'm not sure if this its the best place to start this practice. Certainly not the most natural.
twice ah fell and twice recovered; ah ran ‘til someone screamed “Too late!”

A vengeful blast of heat roared forward, hit me like a shunt caboose.
Bein’ Sunday, my God found me; He struck me down and peeled my eyes,
seared off my scalp and left me naked. Dreadful burned, He cut me loose.
Ol’ Lucifer, you couldn’t take me, seems I beat the Prince of Lies. from ah to ol' it's overdone and inaccurate.

Praise the Lord.

tectak
2011
A convert following a prairie fire. Youtube 2008-9

I wonder if you might consider a rewrite? Despite its awkwardness there is something about it that is attractive. Nice try.

Also, I don't understand the title. Which is the American God? Sounds to me like the european one. For me the american god could be one of two things both something else entirely. The Great Spirit, or Money.

---

Or..ahem.. I mean..theh Ahlmighteh Dowleh

[tectak]

The boys were shootin’ cans and bottles, drinkin’ hard on God’s rest-day; the Term is day of rest. Awkward as hell
while one dry mile across the prairie, Devil Dancers dust devils. no. flames pranced and flew.
A red thread flickered thin and broken; king snake on a hot highway. everything after the semi colon is the best line in the poem. I don't like all the modification before it. Even the cadence is off.
Haze gingered up the ripplin’ sky-line forcin’ eyes to rise to blue. gingered up is weird, unnatural, and out of place.

Copperin’ light brought mis-hit curses; one by one the guns went dead. what the he'll us copperin light?[We'll..it's the acid etched overlay of copper that firearms often undergo. It is also a residual pollutant in long rifle. Very thin and almost transparent. The sky is turning that same irridescent hue. Not as dense as coppered.] This is all strangely brogue-ish[agreed. Good eh?]
Above, like eagle wings unfoldin’, thick sepia smoke teared eyes turned wild sepia is awkward
and fledged the sun with feathered plumin’. All about, the land turned red. fledged and plumin is awkward[.Hell, that I'm awkward]
The snake came windin’ down the incline; cracklin’ demon, Satan’s child. good line

We peered to where the Chevy shimmered, hiss-hot in the swirlin’ ash, hiss hot is weird and awkward. Strangely, the Chevy caught me of guard and is an obvious forced american ism. Up until now I was holding out hope for a story about an irish immigrant in the American west in the mid 1800's. I think the peice would work best pre-civil war.
with crimson flames all painted on her, lookin’ like she knew her fate. painted all on her. Or all up on her in Arkansas. Not all painted on her.
We’re runnin’, runnin’ over tinder, lungs a’cookin in the dash, suddenly and strangely "a'is added to start a word out of nowhere. I'm not sure if this its the best place to start this practice. [some say yes, some no. Jury's out]Certainly not the most natural.
twice ah fell and twice recovered; ah ran ‘til someone screamed “Too late!”

A vengeful blast of heat roared forward, hit me like a shunt caboose.
Bein’ Sunday, my God found me; He struck me down and peeled my eyes,
seared off my scalp and left me naked. Dreadful burned, He cut me loose.
Ol’ Lucifer, you couldn’t take me, seems I beat the Prince of Lies. from ah to ol' it's overdone and inaccurate.

Praise the Lord.

tectak
2011
A convert following a prairie fire. Youtube 2008-9

I wonder if you might consider a rewrite? Despite its awkwardness there is something about it that is attractive. Nice try.

Also, I don't understand the title. Which is the American God? Sounds to me like the european one. For me the american god could be one of two things both something else entirely. The Great Spirit, or Money.

---

Or..ahem.. I mean..theh Ahlmighteh Dowleh

So you liked it then?
The guy that this is about had no doubt about which God he felt saved him! The americanisms are currants in an english bun and would probably be cut in a movie (John Wayne " Truly, this man is the son of gawd" wasn't. Pity)
Enjoy it for what it is...and if you can't, enjoy it for what it isn't...I shall take you advice and consider a rewrite. Done. No.
Best and thanks,
always,
Tectak

[Truerenigma]

The boys were shootin’ cans and bottles, drinkin’ hard on God’s rest-day; the Term is day of rest. Awkward as hell
while one dry mile across the prairie, Devil Dancers dust devils pranced and flew.
A red thread flickered thin and broken; king snake on a hot highway. everything after the semi colon is the best line in the poem. I don't like all the modification before it. Even the cadence is off.
Haze gingered up the ripplin’ sky-line forcin’ eyes to rise to blue. gingered up is weird, unnatural, and out of place.

Copperin’ light brought mis-hit curses; one by one the guns went dead. what the he'll us copperin light? This is all strangely brogue-ish
Above, like eagle wings unfoldin’, thick sepia smoke teared eyes turned wild sepia is awkward
and fledged the sun with feathered plumin’. All about, the land turned red. fledged and plumin is awkward
The snake came windin’ down the incline; cracklin’ demon, Satan’s child. good line

We peered to where the Chevy shimmered, hiss-hot in the swirlin’ ash, hiss hot is weird and awkward. Strangely, the Chevy caught me of guard and is an obvious forced american ism. Up until now I was holding out hope for a story about an irish immigrant in the American west in the mid 1800's. I think the peice would work best pre-civil war.
with crimson flames all painted on her, lookin’ like she knew her fate. painted all on her. Or all up on her in Arkansas. Not all painted on her.
We’re runnin’, runnin’ over tinder, lungs a’cookin in the dash, suddenly and strangely "a'is added to start a word out of nowhere. I'm not sure if this its the best place to start this practice. Certainly not the most natural.
twice ah fell and twice recovered; ah ran ‘til someone screamed “Too late!”

A vengeful blast of heat roared forward, hit me like a shunt caboose.
Bein’ Sunday, my God found me; He struck me down and peeled my eyes,
seared off my scalp and left me naked. Dreadful burned, He cut me loose.
Ol’ Lucifer, you couldn’t take me, seems I beat the Prince of Lies. from ah to ol' it's overdone and inaccurate.

Praise the Lord.

tectak
2011
A convert following a prairie fire. Youtube 2008-9

I wonder if you might consider a rewrite? Despite its awkwardness there is something about it that is attractive. Nice try.

Also, I don't understand the title. Which is the American God? Sounds to me like the european one. For me the american god could be one of two things both something else entirely. The Great Spirit, or Money.

---

Or..ahem.. I mean..theh Ahlmighteh Dowleh

So you liked it then?
The guy that this is about had no doubt about which God he felt saved him! The americanisms are currants in an english bun and would probably be cut in a movie (John Wayne " Truly, this man is the son of gawd" wasn't. Pity)
Enjoy it for what it is...and if you can't, enjoy it for what it isn't...I shall take you advice and consider a rewrite. Done. No.
Best and thanks,
always,
Tectak

What the Hell are you saying here? I get the no rewrites but you lost me with the rest. And John Wayne is no longer with us.

[tectak]

I wonder if you might consider a rewrite? Despite its awkwardness there is something about it that is attractive. Nice try.

Also, I don't understand the title. Which is the American God? Sounds to me like the european one. For me the american god could be one of two things both something else entirely. The Great Spirit, or Money.

---

Or..ahem.. I mean..theh Ahlmighteh Dowleh

So you liked it then?
The guy that this is about had no doubt about which God he felt saved him! The americanisms are currants in an english bun and would probably be cut in a movie (John Wayne " Truly, this man is the son of gawd" wasn't. Pity)
Enjoy it for what it is...and if you can't, enjoy it for what it isn't...I shall take you advice and consider a rewrite. Done. No.
Best and thanks,
always,
Tectak

What the Hell are you saying here? I get the no rewrites but you lost me with the rest. And John Wayne is no longer with us.

Aw shucks...since you ask so nicely, maybe
Shit, now I'm John Wayne!

[milo]

Brits think /every/ american is john Wayne.

Since you aren't doing rewrites am I free from offering anything constructive?

[svanhoeven]

The boys were shootin’ cans and bottles, drinkin’ hard on God’s rest-day;
I think the colloquial g-dropping conflicts with the poetic hyphenated "rest-day". It takes me out of the narrative.
while one dry mile across the prairie, Devil Dancers pranced and flew.
"Devil Dancers" isn't a term I've ever heard of. Is this term contemporaneous with the flame-painted Chevy below?
A red thread flickered thin and broken; king snake on a hot highway.
Haze gingered up the ripplin’ sky-line forcin’ eyes to rise to blue.
"Gingered"? Also, "sky-line" makes me think urban, not prairie.

Copperin’ light brought mis-hit curses; one by one the guns went dead.
You may want to think about the olfactory angle too, not just visuals. Grass fires have a very distinctive smell detectable from very far away.
Above, like eagle wings unfoldin’, thick sepia smoke teared eyes turned wild
Again, I feel a conflict with the colloquial tone and "sepia". If I can assume an American prairie-dweller is relating the tale, it takes me out of the narrative.
and fledged the sun with feathered plumin’. All about, the land turned red.
I think "around" would sound more accurate than "about" in American western usage.
The snake came windin’ down the incline; cracklin’ demon, Satan’s child.
As above, I think "slope" sounds more accurate than "incline". Maybe "down the slope; a cracklin' demon" to preserve the meter.


We peered to where the Chevy shimmered, hiss-hot in the swirlin’ ash,
"We peered to where" seems awkward. "Peered" at least. I would think squinting since the smoke is already tearing their eyes per lines above.
with crimson flames all painted on her, lookin’ like she knew her fate.
My suggestion is "with crimson flames painted all over". Sounds more natural, and is compliant with the meter if you will allow a single trochee at "painted".
We’re runnin’, runnin’ over tinder, lungs a’cookin in the dash,
I read this line and thought of Festus on Gunsmoke. I don't think "a'cookin" would be contemporaneous with the Chevy.
twice ah fell and twice recovered; ah ran ‘til someone screamed “Too late!”
"Ah" doesn't quite capture the accent unless the narrative was placed in the deep (old) South, but I can't think of a better way to represent it.

A vengeful blast of heat roared forward, hit me like a shunt caboose.
I suggest "blast o' heat". Not long-O, but like "uh"
Bein’ Sunday, my God found me; He struck me down and peeled my eyes,
A lot of trochees there before the semicolon.
seared off my scalp and left me naked. Dreadful burned, He cut me loose.
Some minor Festus there with the "dreadful".
Ol’ Lucifer, you couldn’t take me, seems I beat the Prince of Lies.
I usually dislike exclamation points, but I think you should try one out after "you couldn’t take me".

Praise the Lord.

tectak
2011
A convert following a prairie fire. Youtube 2008-9

[billy]

i seed al the feedbck an i has t' say ol' man they's plum' wrong.
apart for the ah 's i thought it was pretty good. it was image rich told a story, used poetic devices. for me it was solid. i hope everyone forgives and i have seen their feedback but i loved it tom, that doesn't mean you should ignore anything they said. while i like the story within the piece i love the sonics of it. it's an extremely tuneful piece. thanks for the read, see my niggles for the edit. wish i could have been more of a help feedback wise.

The boys were shootin’ cans and bottles, drinkin’ hard on God’s rest-day;
while one dry mile across the prairie, Devil Dancers pranced and flew.
A red thread flickered thin and broken; king snake on a hot highway. [broke']
Haze gingered up the ripplin’ sky-line forcin’ eyes to rise to blue.

Copperin’ light brought mis-hit curses; one by one the guns went dead.
Above, like eagle wings unfoldin’, thick sepia smoke teared eyes turned wild
and fledged the sun with feathered plumin’. All about, the land turned red.
The snake came windin’ down the incline; cracklin’ demon, Satan’s child.

We peered to where the Chevy shimmered, hiss-hot in the swirlin’ ash, love hiss-hot
with crimson flames all painted on her, lookin’ like she knew her fate.
We’re runnin’, runnin’ over tinder, lungs a’cookin in the dash, [a cookin'] would suit me better.
twice ah fell and twice recovered; ah ran ‘til someone screamed “Too late!” the [ah] sounds to over the top ah say

A vengeful blast of heat roared forward, hit me like a shunt caboose.
Bein’ Sunday, my God found me; He struck me down and peeled my eyes,
seared off my scalp and left me naked. Dreadful burned, He cut me loose.
Ol’ Lucifer, you couldn’t take me, seems I beat the Prince of Lies.

Praise the Lord.

tectak
2011
A convert following a prairie fire. Youtube 2008-9

[tectak]

Brits think /every/ american is john Wayne.

Since you aren't doing rewrites am I free from offering anything constructive?

Holy shit milo, you are contractually obliged to crit this!
Best,
Tom
Note this though. I am editing out the accentual americanisms but will keep the vernacular because these words were used by the ACTUAL character
rest-day
gingered
coppering
sepia (he said seppia)
incline(it was beside a disused railway track)
hiss-hot (railworker term? I love it. googled it. Nothing)
chevy (there were two chevies(?). One was gutted, the other blew up)

So the rewrite will take out the accents and rely on the props to hold up the yarn.

---

The boys were shootin’ cans and bottles, drinkin’ hard on God’s rest-day;
I think the colloquial g-dropping conflicts with the poetic hyphenated "rest-day". It takes me out of the narrative.
while one dry mile across the prairie, Devil Dancers pranced and flew.
"Devil Dancers" isn't a term I've ever heard of. Is this term contemporaneous with the flame-painted Chevy below?
A red thread flickered thin and broken; king snake on a hot highway.
Haze gingered up the ripplin’ sky-line forcin’ eyes to rise to blue.
"Gingered"? Also, "sky-line" makes me think urban, not prairie.

Copperin’ light brought mis-hit curses; one by one the guns went dead.
You may want to think about the olfactory angle too, not just visuals. Grass fires have a very distinctive smell detectable from very far away.
Above, like eagle wings unfoldin’, thick sepia smoke teared eyes turned wild
Again, I feel a conflict with the colloquial tone and "sepia". If I can assume an American prairie-dweller is relating the tale, it takes me out of the narrative.
and fledged the sun with feathered plumin’. All about, the land turned red.
I think "around" would sound more accurate than "about" in American western usage.
The snake came windin’ down the incline; cracklin’ demon, Satan’s child.
As above, I think "slope" sounds more accurate than "incline". Maybe "down the slope; a cracklin' demon" to preserve the meter.


We peered to where the Chevy shimmered, hiss-hot in the swirlin’ ash,
"We peered to where" seems awkward. "Peered" at least. I would think squinting since the smoke is already tearing their eyes per lines above.
with crimson flames all painted on her, lookin’ like she knew her fate.
My suggestion is "with crimson flames painted all over". Sounds more natural, and is compliant with the meter if you will allow a single trochee at "painted".
We’re runnin’, runnin’ over tinder, lungs a’cookin in the dash,
I read this line and thought of Festus on Gunsmoke. I don't think "a'cookin" would be contemporaneous with the Chevy.
twice ah fell and twice recovered; ah ran ‘til someone screamed “Too late!”
"Ah" doesn't quite capture the accent unless the narrative was placed in the deep (old) South, but I can't think of a better way to represent it.

A vengeful blast of heat roared forward, hit me like a shunt caboose.
I suggest "blast o' heat". Not long-O, but like "uh"
Bein’ Sunday, my God found me; He struck me down and peeled my eyes,
A lot of trochees there before the semicolon.
seared off my scalp and left me naked. Dreadful burned, He cut me loose.
Some minor Festus there with the "dreadful".
Ol’ Lucifer, you couldn’t take me, seems I beat the Prince of Lies.
I usually dislike exclamation points, but I think you should try one out after "you couldn’t take me".
[[
Praise the Lord.

tectak
2011
A convert following a prairie fire. Youtube 2008-9

Hi sven,
Thanks for all of this. The specific points you make on veracity seem valid to me. See my reply to milo.
I don't know for sure but it seems the piece is inately offensive, on some level, to some of our American readers, which I find interesting. I am not dismissive of ANY crit and will post an edit soon.
I was never entirely happy with the mix of rhetoric/narrative because, as milo points out, all Americans ain't John Wayne. Harpo Marx, to name but one.
Best,
tectak

[Truerenigma]

Offensive? There's a difference between inaccurate and offensive. And context is important to consider when using terms like rest-day. I have never heard "the lords day" called "god's rest-day". I can think of a context where it might be said that way, but it would involve an extensive back and forth dialogue, probably argument, with some who called it "day of rest". Gingered and all that other stuff, you probably just miss-Translated it. They probably aren't even the terms that where used, this is just what it sounded like to you! That's why the other brits like it.

[Truerenigma]

The guy that this is about had no doubt about which God he felt saved him!
Quote.

That doesn't explain why he calls it the american god.

Neither the title or the poem consider that christianity is not exclusive to America, not is America exclusively Christian, our even exclusive to one form of christianity. And christianity did not originate in america!

Neither the title or the poem considers the wide range of American regional vernaculars, which are quite diverse, and can vary from neighborhood to neighborhood, so the american reader is forced to try and compare it to their own manners of speech*, which leads to strange awkwardness-es.

Or whatever perceived notions they may have about whichever region they /assume/the poem is looking at, which are bound to be different from yours.

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Preconceived. Not perceived.

[tectak]

The guy that this is about had no doubt about which God he felt saved him!
Quote.

That doesn't explain why he calls it the american god.He didn't. It's the title of the poem.

Neither the title or the poem consider that christianity is not exclusive to America, not is America exclusively Christian, our even exclusive to one form of christianity. And christianity did not originate in america!

Neither the title or the poem considers the wide range of American regional vernaculars, which are quite diverse, and can vary from neighborhood to neighborhood, so the american reader is forced to try and compare it to their own manners of speech*, which leads to strange awkwardness-es.

Or whatever perceived notions they may have about whichever region they /assume/the poem is looking at, which are bound to be different from yours.

---

Preconceived. Not perceived.

Hey,,,some of my bestfriends are American...well, one is. Somtimes he says he is going to communi-rooney! He says that....but I'v never seem him go near a church. I know nothing about religion. Only what's on youtube. It works for me. This isn't an ecumenical matter. It's a poem about a man who found god.
So you like a bit more, then
Best,
tectak

[Erthona]

Seems ta'me, as if'n ya learnd yer dielect frum som moovee or sumptin. Gadam uppity urpeans ahwaz thinkun dae be knowen better'n utter peepholes! No one sez "ah" cept Curly in "Oklahoma" (the movie not the state).

A very nice re-rendering of the conversion of Paul/Saul (of course he was still pretty much an asshole afterwards, just in a different direction).

Jes fer hizstorcal aucuracy Lucy-fer was only menchened once en de old testeemint, Eye-sayah refrenced a Baby-lone-kneeian king as such. Doncha know?

The "American God" (as is mentioned in the title) is generally understood to be a Calvinists God. This does not mean it actually is, or that there is even an American God, but generally when God is used in such things as the 'pledge of allegiance', and on the money 'in God we trust', it is the Calvinists God that most people think of, not a generic any-god that would be all inclusive. So I think it is a valid reference.

All in all a good tale with which I generally have no problems, except your handling of the dialect, which is about on par with Dick Van Dyke's cockney accent in Mary Poppins.

Dale