Things I Sometimes Forget (2nd draft)

[leftover sushi]

(2nd draft)

He wrote a story about a vanishing donut in 1995.
He called it "The Vanishing Donut".
That was the year he gave his older brother a lime for Christmas (which cost him thirty seven cents),
and told him it was to help him quit smoking (he could eat limes instead).

He wrote a poem about Karl Rove molesting a goat in 2008.
It was called "Karl Rove is a Goat Molester".
That was the year he read "The Perks of Being a Wallflower",
and voted for Ron Paul.
He didn't give anything to anyone for Christmas that year because he was working as a delivery driver for Dominoes at the time and the low-life customers of Dominoes don't tip the pizza guy.

He wrote a novel about failure in 2013.
He called it "My Life is a Failure", because he thought that sounded like a catchy title.
That was the year he gave everything he owned to his wife and daughter for Christmas,
and gave himself fifty sleeping pills and a bottle of Jack Daniels.

[rowens]

So far, this is looking good. I'll try to pull my head out of the Oldies section and say something more in a few minutes. I'll read it a few more times, too.

---

It just seems to work. For me, it does what it sets out to do. It goes right to the point, and stays there till the end. I like poems like this. But that's me. I know people like that, and I can see him without you having to describe what he looks like. I like when poems just open up and start talking.

[fim]

Once he wrote a story about a vanishing donut.
He called it "The Vanishing Donut", because that's what it was about.
That was the year he gave his older brother a lime for Christmas (which cost him thirty seven cents),
and told him it was to help him quit smoking (he could eat limes instead).

Once he wrote a poem about Karl Rove molesting a goat.
It was called "Karl Rove is a Goat Molester", because that's what it was about.
That was the year he read "The Perks of Being a Wallflower",
and voted for Ron Paul.
He didn't give anything to anyone for Christmas that year.

Once he wrote a novel about failure.
He called it "My Life is a Failure", because he thought that sounded like a catchy title.
That was the year he gave everything he owned to his wife and daughter for Christmas,
and he gave himself fifty sleeping pills and a bottle of Jack Daniels.

leftover sushi,
your poem doesn't rhyme and doesn't have any meter that I recognize, but I agree with Rowens (of MANY stars) that "it works." Unlike Rowens I found myself compelled to reread it immediately many times. I like the artist way you wove in a recurring event (Christmas), kind of used it as a mooring buoy throughout your poem, and, finally, sunk your vessel right by the buoy.
Usually I don't care much for poems with depressing endings, but I liked this one.
fim

[milo]

Once he wrote a story about a vanishing donut.
He called it "The Vanishing Donut", because that's what it was about.
That was the year he gave his older brother a lime for Christmas (which cost him thirty seven cents),
and told him it was to help him quit smoking (he could eat limes instead).

Once he wrote a poem about Karl Rove molesting a goat.
It was called "Karl Rove is a Goat Molester", because that's what it was about.
That was the year he read "The Perks of Being a Wallflower",
and voted for Ron Paul.
He didn't give anything to anyone for Christmas that year.

Once he wrote a novel about failure.
He called it "My Life is a Failure", because he thought that sounded like a catchy title.
That was the year he gave everything he owned to his wife and daughter for Christmas,
and he gave himself fifty sleeping pills and a bottle of Jack Daniels.

I can't figure out if you are trying to satirize "A Person, a Paper, a Promise" or not, but if you are I think it fails as satire.

It reads mostly like a poor imitation.

[rowens]

I've never read that book, or seen that movie. But somebody told to watch it, said I might relate to it. And I felt silly, and refused. But Emma Watson. O Emma Watson, when she was but a 19 year old lass. And I was reeling from my rejection by Keira Knightley.

I did read this poem more than a few times during the ten minutes between my responses. I liked it. But I've never read The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I didn't even bother going to dances, after it became illegal to fight in the bathroom when I turned 18.

I liked this poem, from simply reading it.

[milo]

I've never read that book, or seen that movie. But somebody told to watch it, said I might relate to it. And I felt silly, and refused. But Emma Watson. O Emma Watson, when she was but a 19 year old lass. And I was reeling from my rejection by Keira Knightley.

I did read this poem more than a few times during the ten minutes between my responses. I liked it. But I've never read The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I didn't even bother going to dances, after it became illegal to fight in the bathroom when I turned 18.

I liked this poem, from simply reading it.

yah, if it was the first to utilize the concept it would be fine, but as it's not, it just reads like a pale imitation.

I never read the book or saw the movie either. I would love to discuss Emma Watson and high school dances but I feel that discussion wouldn't be suited to the critical forums.

[rowens]

I didn't know about the original poem. I meant to say that. But I got distracted.

[Obloquy]

This reminds me very much of a post I saw on tumblr. But anywho it's nice and catchy.

post:
links removed/mod

[billy]

This reminds me very much of a post I saw on tumblr. But anywho it's nice and catchy.

this is not feedback/mod

---

no feedback as such
i'd remove the [once] at the start of each stanza, i'd also consider removing the [because that's what is was about] phrase as it reads as trite. i liked that it left me thinking of things like suicide or death, questioning why these things were forgotten. i would have liked to see it tied to something solid though

thanks for the read.

Once he wrote a story about a vanishing donut.
He called it "The Vanishing Donut", because that's what it was about.
That was the year he gave his older brother a lime for Christmas (which cost him thirty seven cents),
and told him it was to help him quit smoking (he could eat limes instead).

Once he wrote a poem about Karl Rove molesting a goat.
It was called "Karl Rove is a Goat Molester", because that's what it was about.
That was the year he read "The Perks of Being a Wallflower",
and voted for Ron Paul.
He didn't give anything to anyone for Christmas that year.

Once he wrote a novel about failure.
He called it "My Life is a Failure", because he thought that sounded like a catchy title.
That was the year he gave everything he owned to his wife and daughter for Christmas,
and he gave himself fifty sleeping pills and a bottle of Jack Daniels.

[leftover sushi]

Thanks for the input. It was meant to be a tribute to the poem in "The Perks of a Wallflower", not satire. I will think over some revisions.

[Reilley]

I agree with Billy that the phrase "because that was what it was about" is redundant, we can see he was a black and white, unembroidered kind of guy, which makes the end that much more direct.

[leftover sushi]

"edited"

[cidermaid]

Hi leftover sushi (have you got an abreviation for everyone to use ls, sushi (I guess not leftover!)

Anyway i read your edit and like Billy said about the original, i can't think of much by way of specifics to offer as crit. I do like this but i can't figure out why. It does not offer me much by way of conventional poetry definitions, but i do think it works as a thought provoking sketch on life. Like Billy said it makes me ask questions of myself and life.

Just a suggestion for future use....when putting an edit up leave the original up as well so that people can see what has been changed and the direction of the edit. I Just keep adding my to the top of the page and number them.

Concerning this edit.
The extra detail on the last line of the second stanza felt like too much.


He didn't give anything to anyone for Christmas that year because he was working as a delivery driver for Dominoes at the time and the low-life customers of Dominoes don't tip the pizza guy.

I think it could be shortened down a bit without loosing the interest. For me the subject is not about the others in his life it is his sad progression and the starkness of the details is what makes it work for me.

Just my suggestion below.

He didn't give anything to anyone for Christmas that year because he was working as a delivery driver for Dominoes and people don't tip the pizza guy.


All the best AJ.

[rowens]

I liked it to begin with, before I knew it was based on something. I still like your first particular version of things based on something, but damn it, I wish you had come up with all of it. What other changes did you make other than the Dominoes thing and the 2013 thing?

Unfortunately, this poem will never work, because that anonymous asshole already did it. But that's okay; just do something else.