Magnetic Beasts (Edit 2)

[Volaticus]

Edit 2

He found his way inside,
gnawed on my mind and crawled my buttons.
An insidious worm
tunnelling through my brain,
leaving tiny tracks everywhere
for faster travel to millions of wires.

He drank my spinal fluid,
slurped it in with a greedy grin
until one day
he'd finally had his fill:
left my back bone bent
like a Dandelion in July.

He spilled his insides
through his mouth into mine;
impregnated me
with stalagmite triplets of his bitter gall.
They slowly pierced me from inside,
left deep circular holes.

The triplets died eventually
and the three circles grew into scars,
blended with the marks I grew
from past failures at recognizing
the beasts hiding
behind drawn magnetic curtains.


Edit 1

He gnawed on me,
on my mind and many buttons,
an insidious worm
digging tunnels through my brain,
laying tiny tracks everywhere
for faster travel to millions of wires.
(He always knew when to pull which.)

He drank my spinal fluids,
slurped it in with a greedy grin,
until one day
he'd finally had his fill:
left my back bone bent
like a Dandelion in July.

He disgorged his insides
through his mouth into mine
and without spilling a single drop,
impregnated me
with stalagmite triplets of his bitter gall.
I felt them poking from the inside
until they pierced my skin
and slowly birthed themselves,
leaving deep, circular holes.

The triplets of course died eventually
and the three circles grew into scars,
which blend in well with the marks I grew
from other failures at recognizing
the beasts hiding
behind drawn, magnetic curtains.


Original

He gnawed on me,
on my mind and many buttons,
like some virus or worm
digging tunnels through my brain,
laying tiny tracks everywhere
for faster travel to millions of wires.
(He always knew when to pull which.)

He drank my spinal fluids,
slurping with a greedy grin, until one day
he'd finally had his fill,
leaving my back bone bent
like a Dandelion in July.

He disgorged his insides
through his mouth into mine,
not spilling a single drop,
impregnating me
with stalagmite triplets of his bitter gall,
birthing themselves slowly,
piercing out my skin,
leaving deep, circular holes.

The triplets of course died eventually
and the three circles grew into scars,
blending in well with the marks I got
from other failures at recognizing
the beasts hiding
behind drawn, magnetic curtains.

[Owlster Bierce]

I think this is really cool. Enjoyed it a lot. I don't have much to offer in the way of critique, other than a few words I would be looking at with a critical eye if this were mine, such as:


He gnawed on me,
on my mind and many buttons,
like some virus or worm

*"like some" I would look at.

digging tunnels through my brain,
laying tiny tracks everywhere
for faster travel to millions of wires.
(He always knew when to pull which.)

He drank my spinal fluids,
slurping with a greedy grin, until one day

*'slurped' instead of "slurping. I try to avoid 'ing' endings as much as possible. To my ear avoiding them gives words more immediate sounds.

he'd finally had his fill,
leaving my back bone bent

*'left' instead of "leaving" (?)

like a Dandelion in July.

He disgorged his insides
through his mouth into mine,

"through his mouth" I would look at/listen to.

not spilling a single drop,
impregnating me
with stalagmite triplets of his bitter gall,
birthing themselves slowly,
piercing out my skin,
leaving deep, circular holes.

*Lots of gerunds above. Would do something about that.

The triplets of course died eventually
and the three circles grew into scars,
blending in well with the marks I got

*I don't care for how "got" sounds there.

from other failures at recognizing
the beasts hiding
behind drawn, magnetic curtains.

*Great write. I look forward to reading more of your stuff.

Dan

[Volaticus]

Hi Dan,
I'm glad to hear you enjoyed the poem.
I completely agree with you, there are just too many gerunds in there. I will work on them and also the other things you pointed out.
Thanks a lot for your feedback and your kind words.
Best,
Louise

[milo]

Hi Dan,
I'm glad to hear you enjoyed the poem.
I completely agree with you, there are just too many gerunds in there. I will work on them and also the other things you pointed out.
Thanks a lot for your feedback and your kind words.
Best,
Louise

not to be a pedant, but there are no gerunds in this poem, I think he meant participles. i will return later with a more proper critique if I have time.

[Volaticus]

Hi Dan,
I'm glad to hear you enjoyed the poem.
I completely agree with you, there are just too many gerunds in there. I will work on them and also the other things you pointed out.
Thanks a lot for your feedback and your kind words.
Best,
Louise

not to be a pedant, but there are no gerunds in this poem, I think he meant participles. i will return later with a more proper critique if I have time.

Well I'll be darned. Thanks for telling me. I didn't know the word gerund, but from the crit I received, I thought he meant that -ing's were gerunds. Seems I have some words to read up on. Thanks again.

[milo]

Hi Dan,
I'm glad to hear you enjoyed the poem.
I completely agree with you, there are just too many gerunds in there. I will work on them and also the other things you pointed out.
Thanks a lot for your feedback and your kind words.
Best,
Louise

not to be a pedant, but there are no gerunds in this poem, I think he meant participles. i will return later with a more proper critique if I have time.

Well I'll be darned. Thanks for telling me. I didn't know the word gerund, but from the crit I received, I thought he meant that -ing's were gerunds. Seems I have some words to read up on. Thanks again.

gerunds are /nouns/ formed by adding "-ing" to a verb.

eg:

I watched the eating of the horse with horror!

participles are verb forms that are used as adjectives or adverbs, eg:

I watched the eating horse with amusement.

active participle occur when a participle acts on an agent rather than modifying. eg:

I watched the horse eating with a cow.

HTH

[Volaticus]

It does help, thanks a lot for explaining.

[Owlster Bierce]

Beware of comments by those of us with GED diplomas. Heh.

[tectak]

Hi Dan,
I'm glad to hear you enjoyed the poem.
I completely agree with you, there are just too many gerunds in there. I will work on them and also the other things you pointed out.
Thanks a lot for your feedback and your kind words.
Best,
Louise

not to be a pedant, but there are no gerunds in this poem, I think he meant participles. i will return later with a more proper critique if I have time.

...I have no idea who said this first but if you stick the words "in the act of" in front of the -ing word, and it still makes sense, you do not have a gerund.
For example:
"Tony was washing the car". "Tony was in the act of washing the car"... not gerund.
"Washing the car was Tony's job". "In the act of washing the car was Tony's job"... a gerund.
Not foolproof but there are many fools. -ing words and -ion words drive me nuts but that is mainly because they are insidious...once you (or I) start it is hard not to keep (in the act of) going!
-ing endings in general do tend to cluster and that has happened here. The gerund-generic makes for over-excited reading and should be avoided in all but the most frantic poetry. This is far from being a hard and fast rule...as most rules.
Best,
tectak

[Volaticus]

First edit up, I hope I managed to improve it some. Thanks to all for their help this far, it's appreciated.

[billy]

i've read the gerund comments and i'm guilty of not knowing a gerund from my arse, now i sismply say [ing] words. if there's a lot of them change some

this feels very sci fi, it also makes me think of memory drives.

i can't say i get it but, i did enjoy the thing. wish i could be more help

Edit 1
He gnawed on me,
on my mind and many buttons,
like an insidious worm no need for like
digging tunnels through my brain,
laying tiny tracks everywhere
for faster travel to millions of wires.
(He always knew when to pull which.)

He drank my spinal fluids,
slurped it in with a greedy grin,
until one day
he'd finally had his fill:
left my back bone bent
like a Dandelion in July.

He disgorged his insides
through his mouth into mine
and without spilling a single drop,
impregnated me
with stalagmite triplets of his bitter gall.
I felt them poking from the inside
until they pierced my skin
and slowly birthed themselves,
leaving deep, circular holes.

The triplets of course died eventually
and the three circles grew into scars,
which blend in well with the marks I grew
from other failures at recognizing
the beasts hiding
behind drawn, magnetic curtains.

[Volaticus]

Hi billy, thanks for commenting. I'll remove 'like'. Can I ask if it was the poem as a whole you didn't get, or just specific parts of it?

[leftover sushi]

I thought the imagery was strong. i would have left me feeling a little queasy if i was the sqeamish type. maybe adding something to contrast the creepy imagery would be good. something philosophical and hopeful could work if you put it in there and then immediately extinguish it with more depressing/disgusting stuff.

[Volaticus]

Hi leftover sushi,
I like your idea of contrasting the creepy imagery. I think it could have a strong effect in this poem, if used just the right way. Thanks a lot for your input, I'll think about ways to utilize it properly and hopefully come up with something.

[Aish]

I enjoyed this piece. It's original and slightly chaotic while retaining a sense new age fairy tale, kind of what I would expect if the Brothers Grimm were contemporary.

That being said, I feel as if "he" is overused. Not only does the reader have no idea who"he" is, the first three strophes begin with that pronoun and then in the fourth you completely switch hit with a resolution of sorts. I don't think S1 L7 is necessary. You wrote that he gnawed and dug, the pulling doesn't make much sense. S4 could be tighter by removing "of course" in L1 and changing L3 to " blended with the marks I grew".

Thanks for the read.

[bena]

I have stumbled upon this late in the game but just wanted to stop by and say that I really liked this piece. Even more than when I thought it said "magnetic breasts" ---which is something else all together.

[ChristopherSea]

Cool poem Louise! You have a loy of feedback, so I am just going to look at the new edit;

Edit 1
He gnawed on me,
on my mind and many buttons, period
an insidious worm
digging tunnels through my brain,
laying tiny tracks everywhere
for faster travel to millions of wires.
(He always knew when to pull which.) This opening stanza is too busy for me and has some contradiction. 'gnawed' on 'mind' and 'buttons'. Perhaps 'gnawed on my mind' and 'crawled many buttons'. Then you have the combo of 'gnawed', 'digging', 'laying' and 'pull'. That's too many action verbs. Maybe 'tunneling' for 'digging tunnels' and 'constructing tiny tracks' would clarify and smooth. Also 'pull' wires unintetionally conflicts with the buttons which are normally 'pushed'. They could be 'crossed'

He drank my spinal fluids,
slurped it in with a greedy grin, slurped 'them' in for fluids or keep 'it', but change to 'fluid' which is better to this scientist as there is only a single fluid in the spine
until one day
he'd finally had his fill:
left my back bone bent
like a Dandelion in July. love this line and image

He disgorged his insides 'extended' may sound better
through his mouth into mine
and without spilling a single drop, period
impregnated me
with stalagmite triplets of his bitter gall. nice and gross!
I felt them poking from the inside
until they pierced my skin
and slowly birthed themselves, 'were born', delete themselves
leaving deep, circular holes. remove comma

The triplets of course died eventually don't need 'of course' with eventually
and the three circles grew into scars,
which blend in well with the marks I grew
from other failures at recognizing
the beasts hiding
behind drawn, magnetic curtains. don't need this comma

It's coming along, see if these help. Thanks for the creep-out!

Original

He gnawed on me,
on my mind and many buttons,
like some virus or worm
digging tunnels through my brain,
laying tiny tracks everywhere
for faster travel to millions of wires.
(He always knew when to pull which.)

He drank my spinal fluids,
slurping with a greedy grin, until one day
he'd finally had his fill,
leaving my back bone bent
like a Dandelion in July.

He disgorged his insides
through his mouth into mine,
not spilling a single drop,
impregnating me
with stalagmite triplets of his bitter gall,
birthing themselves slowly,
piercing out my skin,
leaving deep, circular holes.

The triplets of course died eventually
and the three circles grew into scars,
blending in well with the marks I got
from other failures at recognizing
the beasts hiding
behind drawn, magnetic curtains.

[Volaticus]

I enjoyed this piece. It's original and slightly chaotic while retaining a sense new age fairy tale, kind of what I would expect if the Brothers Grimm were contemporary.

That being said, I feel as if "he" is overused. Not only does the reader have no idea who"he" is, the first three strophes begin with that pronoun and then in the fourth you completely switch hit with a resolution of sorts. I don't think S1 L7 is necessary. You wrote that he gnawed and dug, the pulling doesn't make much sense. S4 could be tighter by removing "of course" in L1 and changing L3 to " blended with the marks I grew".

Thanks for the read.

Thanks a lot for your kind words, Aish. And of course your helpful feedback. I’ve been pondering a lot on whether or not to keep S1 L7. The whole stanza itself needs some work to make it more coherent. I’ve read your suggestion about S4 out loud several times and it does sound tighter. Thanks again.
Best,
Louise

---

I have stumbled upon this late in the game but just wanted to stop by and say that I really liked this piece. Even more than when I thought it said "magnetic breasts" ---which is something else all together.

Thanks a lot, I'm glad you liked it. Love your misread of the title

---

Cool poem Louise! You have a loy of feedback, so I am just going to look at the new edit;

Edit 1
He gnawed on me,
on my mind and many buttons, period
an insidious worm
digging tunnels through my brain,
laying tiny tracks everywhere
for faster travel to millions of wires.
(He always knew when to pull which.) This opening stanza is too busy for me and has some contradiction. 'gnawed' on 'mind' and 'buttons'. Perhaps 'gnawed on my mind' and 'crawled many buttons'. Then you have the combo of 'gnawed', 'digging', 'laying' and 'pull'. That's too many action verbs. Maybe 'tunneling' for 'digging tunnels' and 'constructing tiny tracks' would clarify and smooth. Also 'pull' wires unintetionally conflicts with the buttons which are normally 'pushed'. They could be 'crossed'

He drank my spinal fluids,
slurped it in with a greedy grin, slurped 'them' in for fluids or keep 'it', but change to 'fluid' which is better to this scientist as there is only a single fluid in the spine
until one day
he'd finally had his fill:
left my back bone bent
like a Dandelion in July. love this line and image

He disgorged his insides 'extended' may sound better
through his mouth into mine
and without spilling a single drop, period
impregnated me
with stalagmite triplets of his bitter gall. nice and gross!
I felt them poking from the inside
until they pierced my skin
and slowly birthed themselves, 'were born', delete themselves
leaving deep, circular holes. remove comma

The triplets of course died eventually don't need 'of course' with eventually
and the three circles grew into scars,
which blend in well with the marks I grew
from other failures at recognizing
the beasts hiding
behind drawn, magnetic curtains. don't need this comma

It's coming along, see if these help. Thanks for the creep-out!

Original

He gnawed on me,
on my mind and many buttons,
like some virus or worm
digging tunnels through my brain,
laying tiny tracks everywhere
for faster travel to millions of wires.
(He always knew when to pull which.)

He drank my spinal fluids,
slurping with a greedy grin, until one day
he'd finally had his fill,
leaving my back bone bent
like a Dandelion in July.

He disgorged his insides
through his mouth into mine,
not spilling a single drop,
impregnating me
with stalagmite triplets of his bitter gall,
birthing themselves slowly,
piercing out my skin,
leaving deep, circular holes.

The triplets of course died eventually
and the three circles grew into scars,
blending in well with the marks I got
from other failures at recognizing
the beasts hiding
behind drawn, magnetic curtains.

Thanks a lot, Chris. You’ve made a lot of good points and suggestions. They’ll be a great help for my next edit. I appreciate you taking the time
Best,
Louise

[ChristopherSea]

Cool poem Louise! You have a lot of feedback, so I am just going to look at the new edit;

Edit 1
He gnawed on me,
on my mind and many buttons, period
an insidious worm
digging tunnels through my brain,
laying tiny tracks everywhere
for faster travel to millions of wires.
(He always knew when to pull which.) This opening stanza is too busy for me and has some contradiction. 'gnawed' on 'mind' and 'buttons'. Perhaps 'gnawed on my mind' and 'crawled many buttons'. Then you have the combo of 'gnawed', 'digging', 'laying' and 'pull'. That's too many action verbs. Maybe 'tunneling' for 'digging tunnels' and 'constructing tiny tracks' would clarify and smooth. Also 'pull' wires unintetionally conflicts with the buttons which are normally 'pushed'. The wires could be 'crossed'

He drank my spinal fluids,
slurped it in with a greedy grin, slurped 'them in' for fluids or keep 'it', but change to 'fluid' which is better (to this scientist), as there is only a single fluid in the spine
until one day
he'd finally had his fill:
left my back bone bent
like a Dandelion in July. love this line and image

He disgorged his insides 'extended' may sound better
through his mouth into mine
and without spilling a single drop, period
impregnated me
with stalagmite triplets of his bitter gall. nice and gross!
I felt them poking from the inside
until they pierced my skin
and slowly birthed themselves, awkward phrasing, maybe 'were born' and delete 'themselves'
leaving deep, circular holes. remove comma

The triplets of course died eventually don't need 'of course' with 'eventually'
and the three circles grew into scars,
which blend in well with the marks I grew
from other failures at recognizing
the beasts hiding
behind drawn, magnetic curtains. don't need this comma

It's coming along, see if these help. Thanks for the creep-out!

Original

He gnawed on me,
on my mind and many buttons,
like some virus or worm
digging tunnels through my brain,
laying tiny tracks everywhere
for faster travel to millions of wires.
(He always knew when to pull which.)

He drank my spinal fluids,
slurping with a greedy grin, until one day
he'd finally had his fill,
leaving my back bone bent
like a Dandelion in July.

He disgorged his insides
through his mouth into mine,
not spilling a single drop,
impregnating me
with stalagmite triplets of his bitter gall,
birthing themselves slowly,
piercing out my skin,
leaving deep, circular holes.

The triplets of course died eventually
and the three circles grew into scars,
blending in well with the marks I got
from other failures at recognizing
the beasts hiding
behind drawn, magnetic curtains.

---

I enjoyed this piece. It's original and slightly chaotic while retaining a sense new age fairy tale, kind of what I would expect if the Brothers Grimm were contemporary.

That being said, I feel as if "he" is overused. Not only does the reader have no idea who"he" is, the first three strophes begin with that pronoun and then in the fourth you completely switch hit with a resolution of sorts. I don't think S1 L7 is necessary. You wrote that he gnawed and dug, the pulling doesn't make much sense. S4 could be tighter by removing "of course" in L1 and changing L3 to " blended with the marks I grew".

Thanks for the read.

Thanks a lot for your kind words, Aish. And of course your helpful feedback. I’ve been pondering a lot on whether or not to keep S1 L7. The whole stanza itself needs some work to make it more coherent. I’ve read your suggestion about S4 out loud several times and it does sound tighter. Thanks again.
Best,
Louise

---

I have stumbled upon this late in the game but just wanted to stop by and say that I really liked this piece. Even more than when I thought it said "magnetic breasts" ---which is something else all together.

Thanks a lot, I'm glad you liked it. Love your misread of the title

---

Cool poem Louise! You have a loy of feedback, so I am just going to look at the new edit;

Edit 1
He gnawed on me,
on my mind and many buttons, period
an insidious worm
digging tunnels through my brain,
laying tiny tracks everywhere
for faster travel to millions of wires.
(He always knew when to pull which.) This opening stanza is too busy for me and has some contradiction. 'gnawed' on 'mind' and 'buttons'. Perhaps 'gnawed on my mind' and 'crawled many buttons'. Then you have the combo of 'gnawed', 'digging', 'laying' and 'pull'. That's too many action verbs. Maybe 'tunneling' for 'digging tunnels' and 'constructing tiny tracks' would clarify and smooth. Also 'pull' wires unintetionally conflicts with the buttons which are normally 'pushed'. They could be 'crossed'

He drank my spinal fluids,
slurped it in with a greedy grin, slurped 'them' in for fluids or keep 'it', but change to 'fluid' which is better to this scientist as there is only a single fluid in the spine
until one day
he'd finally had his fill:
left my back bone bent
like a Dandelion in July. love this line and image

He disgorged his insides 'extended' may sound better
through his mouth into mine
and without spilling a single drop, period
impregnated me
with stalagmite triplets of his bitter gall. nice and gross!
I felt them poking from the inside
until they pierced my skin
and slowly birthed themselves, 'were born', delete themselves
leaving deep, circular holes. remove comma

The triplets of course died eventually don't need 'of course' with eventually
and the three circles grew into scars,
which blend in well with the marks I grew
from other failures at recognizing
the beasts hiding
behind drawn, magnetic curtains. don't need this comma

It's coming along, see if these help. Thanks for the creep-out!

Original

He gnawed on me,
on my mind and many buttons,
like some virus or worm
digging tunnels through my brain,
laying tiny tracks everywhere
for faster travel to millions of wires.
(He always knew when to pull which.)

He drank my spinal fluids,
slurping with a greedy grin, until one day
he'd finally had his fill,
leaving my back bone bent
like a Dandelion in July.

He disgorged his insides
through his mouth into mine,
not spilling a single drop,
impregnating me
with stalagmite triplets of his bitter gall,
birthing themselves slowly,
piercing out my skin,
leaving deep, circular holes.

The triplets of course died eventually
and the three circles grew into scars,
blending in well with the marks I got
from other failures at recognizing
the beasts hiding
behind drawn, magnetic curtains.

Thanks a lot, Chris. You’ve made a lot of good points and suggestions. They’ll be a great help for my next edit. I appreciate you taking the time
Best,
Louise

It was my pleasure and duty!

[Volaticus]

Second edit is up. Once again many thanks to all for their help