The Drinker's Life Alone (="Alcohol" Rewrite)

[Spikerider]

"The Drinker's Life Alone"
(dedicated to my son; a marine vet who lost all
when he tried drowning the memories of war)

Alcohol is life's elixir.
Frayed nerves are soothed.
Tensions relaxed away.
Bad memories diluted.
Problems made invisible.
Successes are cheered.
Unaware of the inner demolition
that is constantly taking away
all independence from it's pure Allure.
Free will becomes a distant memory when you see that bottle.
Control is now just empty & failing determination.
Every sip, every drink getting you closer to the end.
The drink keeps soaking into your soul & mind.
The spirits soon becomed entwined & tangled
with the fabric of your soul.
It has rendered complete & utter dependence
upon it's pleasant, lasting intoxication.
The thought of life dry does not exist anymore.

Look upon the glass in your hand.
Are you holding it or is it holding you?
Is it in control or are you in control?
The brew within blurs the lines of determination.
Where does it stop & where do you begin?
Liquid Pleasure & lasting pain is what is held tightly in your hand.
Unending is this Nightmare Cycle.
How & when will it end?
Slipping deeper into the drink held so close.
Who you are Drowning into a liquid abyss.
Intoxication has become your only friend.
Deceptively it is now your constant companion.
Always there to comfort & fill you with satisfaction.

Lost is all real perspective on life once full.
A sea of booze has washed away all you held dear.
You drowned your troubles unaware of
all that was carried under with them.
Try hard to empty your hand.
Stop filling you glass & fill your heart
with the pure joy of life lived full.
There is still hope.
There is still time.
Life without the drink is within reach.
Drop the glass before it is to late.
Reach out to embrace life & love it once again.
Get drunk on the joy of living life to it's fullest once again.
Deb B.
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[milo]

Moved to novice. This needs a lot of work before it is ready for serious.

/mod

[tectak]

Hello spikerider,
Good to see you up for wokshopping. You leave a deal to go at but I fear you will become defensive when I begin by saying that punctuation is NEEDED when it is required, and can be dispensed with when it is not. This piece NEEDS it.
You are hanging on to a very outdated and pointless characteristic of what poetry was considered by some to require....capitalising of every line. It was always a nonsense and it still is; especially when the reader is left clueless by the effects of your punctuation pogrom.So...

Alcohol

It takes on a magical ability"it" is a weak word, especially for an opener when you are undeclared in intention. The "it" word is a one-club bid...it tells me nothing of what you have in your hand. Restructure the line
To seemingly fix & apply...again..."seemingly" is often misused. You say "seemingly" to imply "not actually" but then rest a case on the validity. Ampersands are lazy. Equally has two ells.
To all needs equaly
A pick-me-up when you're low
A relaxer when you're stressedThis is what you wrote:
"It takes on a magical ability to seemingly fix & apply to all needs equaly a pick-me-up when you're low a relaxer when you're stressed" Read it out loud then PUNCTUATE to clarity. If you do not it will seem that you can not.

While all the whileIn this stanza you have forgotten that you are talking about alcohol...in fact, it is still an "it". While/while is not good. one and one's worse.
Chipping away one's
Health & well-being
Without one even knowing

Emptying your independence from it
Alcohol worked its way into my heart
Into my very soul & spirit intoxicated
Continually tangling into my very being
This is the stanza above as written:
Emptying your independence from it alcohol worked its way into my heart into my very soul & spirit intoxicated continually tangling into my very being"....Huh? The stanza reads like complete gobbledygook and this is your fault. You KNOW wht you want to say, so SAY it out loud then make english of your words.



Deeper & deeper
Tightening it's grip
Until there was no difference
Between Me & the DrinkRandom capitalisation seems like laziness. Read the forum rules. You should post work free from basic errors. It is better that you do the ground work than have some poxy pedant like me tell you you are lazy

Was i Holding It?...see what I mean? Why big ME and tiny I? There is a complex here
Or was It Holding Me?
Where does It Stop?
& Where do I Begin?Cliches are now creeping in because you are tired of writing this piece. It shows. You are now saying nothing new in a hackneyed way. Stop now and reconsider. Every word MUST COUNT.

Liquid Pleasure
Lasting Pain
Again & Again
Taking Me Up
Dropping Me Down
Again & Again
Over & Over
Day After Day
Night After NightCliches for sale...cliches for sale....roll up..roll up...get your worn out cliches here....get one, get two free...roll up...roll up. Sorry. This stanza is totally without merit. If you are a recovering alcoholic, and I am not saying you are, then good luck with that...but if you are a recovering alcoholic who aspires to be a poet, you will need more than luck. You will need application.
To make this work you MUST use imagery and freshness. Make the reader FEEL your angst rather than just describing how you IMAGINE (?) the character would state his/her problem. To be frank, the discipline of punctuation would make you seriously consider the depth (or shallowness) of this effort...because you would need to consider emotional stops, pauses, nuances. Try it...then repost.
Finally, if you CAN write about something else do so. Not because I have any sympathy for alcoholics but because I need to know you are not a one horse wonder called Whisky Mack. I cannot go on with this crit as ennui has overcome me...and that is your fault, too
Where Does it End?
How Will It End?
Who's in control?
The Drink or Me?

Give & Take
Yin & Yang
An UnEnding Cycle
A circle Spinning
Spinning Down
Farther & Farther
Caught in a Vortex
Of Pleasure & Pain

The Drink Is Me
I Am the Drink
I've Lost myself
In the Drink

Drinking, Drounding Me

Where have I Gone?
Why Did I Go There?
How Will i Get Back?
Where am I Now?

It Became Who I am

Who Am I Without It?
Who Was I Before It?
Where Did I Go?
Can I Get Me Back?

Back from the drink
Alcohol is Who I Am Now

But Why Why Why
Has It Overtaken Poor Me?

But Where Where Where
Did I Lose Control?

Or Did I Ever Have Control?
It was a Big Deception

I've Lost My Real Personality
The Very Personality
That Was'nt Enough
To Present to the World Sober
My Personality Is the Drink
To Drink to Be Friendly
To Be Liked Because I Drink
But I'm Losing
Losing All that I Have

I've Lost All Real Perspective
The Perspective of True Life
Of Living One's Life to it's Fullest
Without the Drink's Support

Where Where Where

Did My Perspective Go?
On Living Life & Loving Life?
Where Did the Pure Joy Go?
The Joy of Life?
The Joy of Living?
Fun?....What Fun?

How How How
Will I Ever Even Be Able to
Without the Drink

Be Drunk On Life?

Last comment. Pretty dire. I would scrap it completely and start again with a nice cup of Horlicks and a warm fire. If you want this reposting in the Mild forum I would not think less of you. Just say.( Ooops! Milo beat me to it)
Best,
tectak.
------------------------
------------------------

[tectak]

"The Drinker's Life Alone"
(dedicated to my son; a marine vet who lost all
when he tried drowning the memories of war)

Alcohol is life's elixir.
Frayed nerves are soothed.
Tensions relaxed away.
Bad memories diluted.
Problems made invisible.
Successes are cheered.
Unaware of the inner demolition
that is constantly taking away
all independence from it's pure Allure.
Free will becomes a distant memory when you see that bottle.
bControl is now just empty & failing determination.
Every sip, every drink getting you closer to the end.
The drink keeps soaking into your soul & mind.
The spirits soon becomed entwined & tangled
with the fabric of your soul.
It has rendered complete & utter dependence
upon it's pleasant, lasting intoxication.
The thought of life dry does not exist anymore.

Look upon the glass in your hand.
Are you holding it or is it holding you?
Is it in control or are you in control?
The brew within blurs the lines of determination.
Where does it stop & where do you begin?
Liquid Pleasure & lasting pain is what is held tightly in your hand.
Unending is this Nightmare Cycle.
How & when will it end?
Slipping deeper into the drink held so close.
Who you are Drowning into a liquid abyss.
Intoxication has become your only friend.
Deceptively it is now your constant companion.
Always there to comfort & fill you with satisfaction.

Lost is all real perspective on life once full.
A sea of booze has washed away all you held dear.
You drowned your troubles unaware of
all that was carried under with them.
Try hard to empty your hand.
Stop filling you glass & fill your heart
with the pure joy of life lived full.
There is still hope.
There is still time.
Life without the drink is within reach.
Drop the glass before it is to late.
Reach out to embrace life & love it once again.
Get drunk on the joy of living life to it's fullest once again.
Deb B.
------------------------
------------------------

Very much better but strangely list-like. The opening comment will not influence the work...and I doubt that you would want it to. Again, I am left wondering if this is genre-genuine or just genuine. The difficulty in writing a genuine piece of hearse-verse is burgeoning wordiness. There is just too much said too often in not too different ways. Try to eliminate waste... not to put too fine a point on it.
In this forum a line by line may not be seen as helpful, and as there are so many lines I am not going to try.
The punctuation is restrictive and you have tried to gain form by bondage. Loosen up a little and select the most salient points per stanza, then write your best words around that cameo.
What you have shown here is an ability to think. Now you need to turn the thoughts in to clear words...less means more.
Well done. Try to shorten the piece.
Best,
tectak

[Spikerider]

2nd revision
"The Drinker's Life Alone"
(dedicated to my son; a marine vet who lost all
when he tried drowning the memories of war)

Alcohol is life's all encompassing elixir
to soothe the nerves & relax tension.
Delectably Diluting pains of memories sour.
Briefly obscuring persistent Problems .
Cheered celebrations of success.
Providing numerous seemingly faithful friends
to assist in the indulgence of continuing cocktails.
One drink after another without an end in site.
Imperceptibly pouring away consciousness.
Unaware of the inner destruction developing.
Independence lost from it's addicting allure.
Draining dry your soul with each sweet sip.
Comfortably closer to demise with every refill.
Free will a distant memory when the bottle calls.
Control is now a derailed determination.
Persistent drinking now clouds your mind.
Libations have taken authority over your body.
Spirits ingested have twisted around your spirit.
It has rendered complete & utter dependence
upon it's pleasant & incessant intoxication.
The thought of a life dry Disappeared.

Consider the glass in your hand.
The brew within blurs the lines of determination.
Are you holding it or is it holding you?
Is it in control or are you in control?
Where does it stop & where do you begin?
Under the influence of this indiscernible intoxicant
Liquid Pleasure & lasting pain is in that cup.
Under the influence of this indiscernible intoxicant.
You alone can bring an end this crazy cycle.

Who you are Drowning into a liquid abyss.
Inebriation has become your only reliable friend.
Deceptively it is now your constant companion.
Always there to comfort & fill you with satisfaction.

Lost is all real perspective on life once full.
A sea of booze washed away all you loved.
You drowned your troubles unaware of
all that was carried under with them.
Try hard to empty your hand.
Stop filling you glass & fill your heart
with the pure joy of life lived full.
There is still hope.
There is still time.
Life without the drink is within reach.
Drop the glass before it is to late.
Reach out to embrace life & love it once again.
Get drunk on the joy of living life to it's fullest once again.
Deb B.
------------------------
------------------------

Very much better but strangely list-like. The opening comment will not influence the work...and I doubt that you would want it to. Again, I am left wondering if this is genre-genuine or just genuine. The difficulty in writing a genuine piece of hearse-verse is burgeoning wordiness. There is just too much said too often in not too different ways. Try to eliminate waste... not to put too fine a point on it.
In this forum a line by line may not be seen as helpful, and as there are so many lines I am not going to try.
The punctuation is restrictive and you have tried to gain form by bondage. Loosen up a little and select the most salient points per stanza, then write your best words around that cameo.
What you have shown here is an ability to think. Now you need to turn the thoughts in to clear words...less means more.
Well done. Try to shorten the piece.
Best,
tectak