Hang-time (first poem ever)

[fasterthanlight]

Hey everyone -- I study math/computers in school, and am not the most gifted artist. I'm trying to find an outlet for/way to express myself, and I thought poetry might be fun to try.

I would really appreciate any comments you have on my first poem. I'm trying to go for a conversationalist vibe, if that makes any sense. here goes nothing...


The moment that you realize it's too late is a moment earlier than you might expect
The sunlight reflecting from the still virgin water fades, and your still virgin eyes inform your still virgin brain that your flailing, falling still virgin body is about to become a mosquito on a windshield,
plastered against the rock that's just beneath the surface

You should have thrown a pebble to test the depth before
or maybe not even have jumped at all
But like a spider bite, you were rash
Because you knew, that whatever was at the bottom was meant for you

But the moment before the moment that you realized it was too late couldn't have come a moment too soon
Because the first time you jumped into that lake, before you broke the surface, during hang-time, you opened your eyes wider than you ever had before.
You felt electricity pulsing through your hands, down through your diaphragm and up through your heart
and life had switched from standard to high definition, just for a second

But with clarity comes clarity
And with memory comes memory
And the memory of first time you dove head first into that lake, broken ribs, cracked hip, concussion and all
Will be with you, during hang-time, when you try again

[tectak]

Hey everyone -- I study math/computers in school, and am not the most gifted artist. I'm trying to find an outlet for/way to express myself, and I thought poetry might be fun to try.

I would really appreciate any comments you have on my first poem. I'm trying to go for a conversationalist vibe, if that makes any sense. here goes nothing...


The moment that you realize it's too late is a moment earlier than you might expect
The sunlight reflecting from the still virgin water fades, and your still virgin eyes inform your still virgin brain that your flailing, falling still virgin body is about to become a mosquito on a windshield,
plastered against the rock that's just beneath the surface

You should have thrown a pebble to test the depth before
or maybe not even have jumped at all
But like a spider bite, you were rash
Because you knew, that whatever was at the bottom was meant for you

But the moment before the moment that you realized it was too late couldn't have come a moment too soon
Because the first time you jumped into that lake, before you broke the surface, during hang-time, you opened your eyes wider than you ever had before.
You felt electricity pulsing through your hands, down through your diaphragm and up through your heart
and life had switched from standard to high definition, just for a second

But with clarity comes clarity
And with memory comes memory
And the memory of first time you dove head first into that lake, broken ribs, cracked hip, concussion and all
Will be with you, during hang-time, when you try again

Hello,
It is good news that you are giving writing a try....but what makes you believe that what you have written is poetry? That is not a rhetorical question. It is rather like someone who has never heard music trying to play a push-bike. You need to READ poetry before you know the first thing about writing it.
If you want to write a "conversational vibe" then write a short narrative story...if you want to write POETRY learn about imagery,meter, punctuation, metaphor, emphases, texture, flow, enjambment, rhyme. Of these, the least important is rhyme. The most important is imagery.
Poetry is not just a list of thoughts...it is about expression. It is about saying things in a new, fresh, exciting, meaningful, precise, economical way.
You are not expressing your thoughts. You are unclear. I give you an example from your text.
"...still virgin body is about to become a mosquito on a windshield,
plastered against the rock that's just beneath the surface"
OK. What is wrong with this line? You use the wild metaphor of your "body" (large) being as a "mosquito" (small). You may just get away with this if you then did not throw in a googley with a rock below the surface? Huh? The surface of the windscreen?
Repetition is always the refuge of the tongue-tied, so avoid it. Say it NEW every time. The "still virgin" obsession says more about you than about the character you are writing about....and if it doesn't then that is even worse because it seems as if it does
So. Take each line. Read it out loud. Punctuate to clarity. Give the thing at least ONE of the attributes of poetry and repost it. Many will help on this site. READ MORE POETRY!
Best,
tectak

[ChristopherSea]

There is prose poetry, by the way. You have some 'stanzas', so trim those long lines of extraneous words and strive for brevity. Make line breaks to guide the reader, for meter, for emphasis and for drama. The hang-time title, theme, the very sound of it, don't seem to fit the piece. I would punt it! They are similies and metaphors herein, but they seem unrelated, wide-spectrum and some cliche (mosquito on windshield), others odd (like a spider bite, you were rash & standard to high definition). So try an edit of this! Good luck with it.

[fasterthanlight]

Perfect, thanks y'all! I think I'm going to start over on this one for now. I suppose my meta-metaphor is too convoluted. I was attempting to describe how the first time you love is a risk, usually leaves you with scars, and how the next time will never be the same.