Blinded by the Night edit 2. btrudo,Christophersea, milo

[tectak]

Edit 2

Stars are not in my night sky, not anymore.
I counted them when I was cold and keen;
younger then, out in the blowing, shifting night
wrapped in tweeds and wool and you.
Playing came to love, like warmth to rocks in sunshine;
remember how we claimed the distant globes?
I gave my name for you, my Aphrodite, to christen lovingly
an auric glint; and there forever pinned my mortal heart.
You found me, too, aglow within Orion’s nameless belt.
Three jewels drew you to my appellation; then for one pearl
we held a sombre service and pompously made Alnitak my own.

The stars are fading now, in vision pulled through ages;
abraded by the sand that scars the lens
and runs spontaneous through the glassy phial.
I hold you close, my love, my Aphrodite;
these days I touch you more, to know you, than before.
What change these dimming days will bring to lovers,
who chose the suns we hoped would rage forever bright;
not thinking that the dust would come between us
and our spaced embrace -- one long life kiss, one hand
that brushes gently, hidden from all heaven's sight.

Alnitak, if only I could see you.
If just one flicker danced before my eyes,
then all the firmament would burn inside me,
and you and I would light the blind night skies.



edit 1

Stars are not in my night sky, not anymore.
I counted them when I was cold and keen;
younger then, out in the blowing, shifting night
wrapped in tweeds and wool and you.
Playing came to love, like warmth to rocks in sunshine;
remember how we claimed the distant globes?
I gave my name for you, my Aphrodite, to christen lovingly
an auric glimmer; and there forever pinned my mortal heart.
You found me, too, aglow within Orion’s nameless sword.
Three jewels led you to my appellation. We laughed together,
held a sombre service, and pompously made Alnitak my own.

The stars are fading now, in vision pulled through ages;
abraded by the sand that scarifies the lens and runs
spontaneous through the glassy, tiny phial. I hold you close,
my Aphrodite, a comfort knowing you are still beside me;
though I touch you more, to know you, than before.
What change these dimming days will bring to we old lovers,
who chose the suns we hoped would rage forever bright;
not thinking that the night would come between us
and our spaced embrace--one long life kiss, one hand
that brushes gently, hidden from all heaven's sight.
Alnitak, if only I could see you. If just one flicker danced before my eyes,
then all the firmament would burn inside me,
and you and I would light the blind night skies.

original
Stars are not in my night sky, not anymore.
I counted them when I was cold and keen;
younger too, out in the blowing, shifting night
wrapped in tweeds and wool and you.
Playing came to love, like warmth to rocks in sun;
remember how we named the distant, dying globes?
I called you by my name, my Aphrodite, and there
upon that glimmer, forever fixed my mortal, living heart.
You found me, too, within Orion’s nameless sword.
Three jewels led you to my appellation,
we laughed to christen Alnitak my own.

Stars are faded now, by vision pulled through ages;
abraided by the sand that dulls the sense and runs,
not never ending, spontaneous through the glassy, tiny phial.
My Aphrodite, you are still beside me;
I touch you more to know you than I did.
What change these dimming days will bring to lovers,
who chose our suns to burn above forever; not thinking
of the night that comes between our spaced embrace--
one long life kiss, one hand that brushes hidden from all sight.
Alnitak, if only I could see you, if just one flicker danced
for these imploring eyes, then all the firmament would burn inside me,

and you and I would see again the sky.

Tectak
(should have gone to Specsavers) 2013
bt and milo...beware the spontaneous trap

[btrudo]

Very measured, sounds good
Stars are not in my night sky, not anymore.
I counted them when I was cold and keen;
younger too, out in the blowing, shifting night
wrapped in tweeds and wool and you.
Playing came to love, like warmth to rocks in sun;
remember how we named the distant, dying globes?
'dying' is true for the stars, but the scale is so different than the dying in this poem that it leaves me at the question...nothing wrong with that. This line introduces the name, which is carried throughout the rest of the stanza. Name brings to mind the claiming of the surroundings. You establish dominion by naming.
I called you by my name, my Aphrodite, and there
The 'by my name' loses me. If I think, I would say marriage, but at the same time, the moment here seems earlier, younger than that.
upon that glimmer, forever fixed my mortal, living heart.
You found me, too, within Orion’s nameless sword.
Three jewels led you to my appellation,
appellation is demarcated region, though interesting enough, it has an old archaic meaning of 'the act of calling by a name'. This is apt.
we laughed to christen Alnitak my own.
Here the process of naming stops. Yes, names appear, but the claiming of experience stops.

Stars are faded now, by vision pulled through ages;
cataracts come to mind, but that's not faded, more like clouded. 'pulled' is also word that I think you can find a better choice.
abraided by the sand that dulls the sense and runs,
not never ending, spontaneous through the glassy, tiny phial.
never-ending seems to be more accepted spelling now.
My Aphrodite, you are still beside me;
I touch you more to know you than I did.
Not sure about this line. It really might be carry more weight than all the other lines, because it is direct without needless jewelry. In many ways, this is the most real moment in the poem, but then it seems lost in the remainder of the poem.
What change these dimming days will bring to lovers,
who chose our suns to burn above forever; not thinking
but narrator has shown it doesn't 'burn above forever', so I'm not so sure of this.
of the night that comes between our spaced embrace--
one long life kiss, one hand that brushes hidden from all sight.
Alnitak, if only I could see you, if just one flicker danced
for these imploring eyes, then all the firmament would burn inside me,

and you and I would see again the sky.
This might have the right meaning, though this may be resolving too much to that 'whole note'...too clean?

I do think the 'naming' has been established as more important than the 'seeing', but then again, the poem does lose sight of what it had done in the previous stanza. So perhaps, I'd like to find the narrator as actually 'seeing'.

Of course, I probably shouldn't be surprised, given the title, though the blinding isn't from the night.

[ChristopherSea]

It's a pretty good view through my telescope. Nice to see a love poem, you old dog! Here are my first impressions:
Stars are not in my night sky, not anymore.
I counted them when I was cold and keen; Keen? (not cool) eager/ardent? you know something else
younger too, out in the blowing, shifting night
wrapped in tweeds and wool and you. I like this
Playing came to love, like warmth to rocks in sun; ‘in the sun’
remember how we named the distant, dying globes? Nice!
I called you by my name, my Aphrodite, and there ‘my name’ sounds off
upon that glimmer, forever fixed my mortal, living heart. Do you need ‘living’?
You found me, too, within Orion’s nameless sword. A lot of commas/for pause?
Three jewels led you to my appellation,
we laughed to christen Alnitak my own. Even I smiled!

Stars are faded now, by vision pulled through ages; is there a better word for faded?
abraided by the sand that dulls the sense and runs, sp ‘abraded’
not never ending, spontaneous through the glassy, tiny phial. ‘never-ending’ (avoids the not-never oddity) I like ‘phial’ Brit for vial!
My Aphrodite, you are still beside me;
I touch you more to know you than I did. sounds odd ‘I touch you to know you more than I did’
What change these dimming days will bring to lovers,
who chose our suns to burn above forever; not thinking
of the night that comes between our spaced embrace-- ‘spaced embrace’
one long life kiss, one hand that brushes hidden from all sight. Do you need ‘all’
Alnitak, if only I could see you, if just one flicker danced
for these imploring eyes, then all the firmament would burn inside me,

Tec, I know that title is a play on blinded by the light, but it summons up that Manfred Mann tune with ‘wrapped up like a douche’ in it! Cheers/Chris

[tectak]

It's a pretty good view through my telescope. Nice to see a love poem, you old dog! Here are my first impressions:
Stars are not in my night sky, not anymore.
I counted them when I was cold and keen; Keen? (not cool) eager/ardent? you know something else
younger too, out in the blowing, shifting night
wrapped in tweeds and wool and you. I like this
Playing came to love, like warmth to rocks in sun; ‘in the sun’
remember how we named the distant, dying globes? Nice!
I called you by my name, my Aphrodite, and there ‘my name’ sounds off
upon that glimmer, forever fixed my mortal, living heart. Do you need ‘living’?
You found me, too, within Orion’s nameless sword. A lot of commas/for pause?
Three jewels led you to my appellation,
we laughed to christen Alnitak my own. Even I smiled!

Stars are faded now, by vision pulled through ages; is there a better word for faded?
abraided by the sand that dulls the sense and runs, sp ‘abraded’
not never ending, spontaneous through the glassy, tiny phial. ‘never-ending’ (avoids the not-never oddity) I like ‘phial’ Brit for vial!
My Aphrodite, you are still beside me;
I touch you more to know you than I did. sounds odd ‘I touch you to know you more than I did’
What change these dimming days will bring to lovers, fade another ‘fade’
who chose our suns to burn above forever; not thinking
of the night that comes between our spaced embrace-- ‘spaced embrace’
one long life kiss, one hand that brushes hidden from all sight. Do you need ‘all’
Alnitak, if only I could see you, if just one flicker danced
for these imploring eyes, then all the firmament would burn inside me,

Tec, I know that title is a play on blinded by the light, but it summons up that Manfred Mann tune with ‘wrapped up like a douche’ in it! Cheers/Chris

Hi CS,
As always, exceedingly competent crit. You make some excellent catches...abraded is a howler...yikes!
All valid in varying degrees and so will be assimilated in due course.
I touch you more to know you. (than I did before I could not see you clearly) was the idea. Braille contact!
...and I did like bbtl, Manfred Mann...though it was rubbish
Btw, that second fade is nothing to do with me. It is not in my original
Very best,
tectak

[ChristopherSea]

It's a pretty good view through my telescope. Nice to see a love poem, you old dog! Here are my first impressions:
Stars are not in my night sky, not anymore.
I counted them when I was cold and keen; Keen? (not cool) eager/ardent? you know something else
younger too, out in the blowing, shifting night
wrapped in tweeds and wool and you. I like this
Playing came to love, like warmth to rocks in sun; ‘in the sun’
remember how we named the distant, dying globes? Nice!
I called you by my name, my Aphrodite, and there ‘my name’ sounds off
upon that glimmer, forever fixed my mortal, living heart. Do you need ‘living’?
You found me, too, within Orion’s nameless sword. A lot of commas/for pause?
Three jewels led you to my appellation,
we laughed to christen Alnitak my own. Even I smiled!

Stars are faded now, by vision pulled through ages; is there a better word for faded?
abraided by the sand that dulls the sense and runs, sp ‘abraded’
not never ending, spontaneous through the glassy, tiny phial. ‘never-ending’ (avoids the not-never oddity) I like ‘phial’ Brit for vial!
My Aphrodite, you are still beside me;
I touch you more to know you than I did. sounds odd ‘I touch you to know you more than I did’
What change these dimming days will bring to lovers, fade another ‘fade’
who chose our suns to burn above forever; not thinking
of the night that comes between our spaced embrace-- ‘spaced embrace’
one long life kiss, one hand that brushes hidden from all sight. Do you need ‘all’
Alnitak, if only I could see you, if just one flicker danced
for these imploring eyes, then all the firmament would burn inside me,

Tec, I know that title is a play on blinded by the light, but it summons up that Manfred Mann tune with ‘wrapped up like a douche’ in it! Cheers/Chris

Hi CS,
As always, exceedingly competent crit. You make some excellent catches...abraded is a howler...yikes!
All valid in varying degrees and so will be assimilated in due course.
I touch you more to know you. (than I did before I could not see you clearly) was the idea. Braille contact!
...and I did like bbtl, Manfred Mann...though it was rubbish
Btw, that second fade is nothing to do with me. It is not in my original
Very best,
tectak

My pleasure T! I faded that second fade away

BTW, those BBTL lyrics are one of the most misunderstood lyrics in rock history. Bruce Springstein wrote them as 'revved up like a duce' but sang them with a lisp, sounding like 'wrapped up like a douche'. Is wasn't a popular song for him. When Manfred Mann covered the song, they sang the line wrong on purpose and made millions! I'm a 'Quin the Eskimo' fan myself!!

[tectak]

It's a pretty good view through my telescope. Nice to see a love poem, you old dog! Here are my first impressions:
Stars are not in my night sky, not anymore.
I counted them when I was cold and keen; Keen? (not cool) eager/ardent? you know something else
younger too, out in the blowing, shifting night
wrapped in tweeds and wool and you. I like this
Playing came to love, like warmth to rocks in sun; ‘in the sun’
remember how we named the distant, dying globes? Nice!
I called you by my name, my Aphrodite, and there ‘my name’ sounds off
upon that glimmer, forever fixed my mortal, living heart. Do you need ‘living’?
You found me, too, within Orion’s nameless sword. A lot of commas/for pause?
Three jewels led you to my appellation,
we laughed to christen Alnitak my own. Even I smiled!

Stars are faded now, by vision pulled through ages; is there a better word for faded?
abraided by the sand that dulls the sense and runs, sp ‘abraded’
not never ending, spontaneous through the glassy, tiny phial. ‘never-ending’ (avoids the not-never oddity) I like ‘phial’ Brit for vial!
My Aphrodite, you are still beside me;
I touch you more to know you than I did. sounds odd ‘I touch you to know you more than I did’
What change these dimming days will bring to lovers, fade another ‘fade’
who chose our suns to burn above forever; not thinking
of the night that comes between our spaced embrace-- ‘spaced embrace’
one long life kiss, one hand that brushes hidden from all sight. Do you need ‘all’
Alnitak, if only I could see you, if just one flicker danced
for these imploring eyes, then all the firmament would burn inside me,

Tec, I know that title is a play on blinded by the light, but it summons up that Manfred Mann tune with ‘wrapped up like a douche’ in it! Cheers/Chris

Hi CS,
As always, exceedingly competent crit. You make some excellent catches...abraded is a howler...yikes!
All valid in varying degrees and so will be assimilated in due course.
I touch you more to know you. (than I did before I could not see you clearly) was the idea. Braille contact!
...and I did like bbtl, Manfred Mann...though it was rubbish
Btw, that second fade is nothing to do with me. It is not in my original
Very best,
tectak

My pleasure T! I faded that second fade away

BTW, those BBTL lyrics are one of the most misunderstood lyrics in rock history. Bruce Springstein wrote them as 'revved up like a duce' but sang them with a lisp, sounding like 'wrapped up like a douche'. Is wasn't a popular song for him. When Manfred Mann covered the song, they sang the line wrong on purpose and made millions! I'm a 'Quin the Eskimo' fan myself!!

We once and for years ran a contest trying to determine exactly what the lyrics were! When we found out it was no clearer as we were all much to old to own up to understanding them.The duce/douche was the problem.

---

Very measured, sounds good
Stars are not in my night sky, not anymore.
I counted them when I was cold and keen;
younger too, out in the blowing, shifting night
wrapped in tweeds and wool and you.
Playing came to love, like warmth to rocks in sun;
remember how we named the distant, dying globes?
'dying' is true for the stars, but the scale is so different than the dying in this poem that it leaves me at the question...nothing wrong with that. This line introduces the name, which is carried throughout the rest of the stanza. Name brings to mind the claiming of the surroundings. You establish dominion by naming.not when playing games....but point taken in general
I called you by my name, my Aphrodite, and there
The 'by my name' loses me. If I think, I would say marriage, but at the same time, the moment here seems earlier, younger than that.I will change it to "For you, my Aphrodite, I pinned your given name" anbd adjust accordingly in the edit
upon that glimmer, forever fixed my mortal, living heart.
You found me, too, within Orion’s nameless sword.
Three jewels led you to my appellation,
appellation is demarcated region, though interesting enough, it has an old archaic meaning of 'the act of calling by a name'. This is apt.
we laughed to christen Alnitak my own.
Here the process of naming stops. Yes, names appear, but the claiming of experience stops. Yes. We are now fixed in a kind of stasis...the plateau years

Stars are faded now, by vision pulled through ages;
cataracts come to mind, but that's not faded, more like clouded. 'pulled' is also word that I think you can find a better choice.Hoping here to imply pulling as a stretching and thinning of sight...reduced visual angle to boot. Failed perchance
abraided by the sand that dulls the sense and runs,
not never ending, spontaneous through the glassy, tiny phial.
never-ending seems to be more accepted spelling now.Good catch
My Aphrodite, you are still beside me;
I touch you more to know you than I did.
Not sure about this line. It really might be carry more weight than all the other lines, because it is direct without needless jewelry. In many ways, this is the most real moment in the poem, but then it seems lost in the remainder of the poem.Maybe " I touch you now to know you, more than I used to do"
What change these dimming days will bring to lovers,
who chose our suns to burn above forever; not thinking
but narrator has shown it doesn't 'burn above forever', so I'm not so sure of this."We chose the suns we hoped would burn forever; not..."
of the night that comes between our spaced embrace--
one long life kiss, one hand that brushes hidden from all sight.
Alnitak, if only I could see you, if just one flicker danced
for these imploring eyes, then all the firmament would burn inside me,

and you and I would see again the sky.
This might have the right meaning, though this may be resolving too much to that 'whole note'...too clean?

I do think the 'naming' has been established as more important than the 'seeing', but then again, the poem does lose sight of what it had done in the previous stanza. So perhaps, I'd like to find the narrator as actually 'seeing'.

Of course, I probably shouldn't be surprised, given the title, though the blinding isn't from the night.

Thanks for this.
CS picked up on most points but I[/b] will adjust to suit.
Best,
tectak

[btrudo]

Right now I don't think this is better. This leads me to believe that you need to put this away for a while and then come back to it.

edit 1

Stars are not in my night sky, not anymore.
I counted them when I was cold and keen;
younger too, out in the blowing, shifting night
wrapped in tweeds and wool and you.
Playing came to love, like warmth to rocks in sun;
remember how we claimed the distant globes?
I gave my name for you, my Aphrodite, to christen lovingly
a golden glimmer; and there forever pinned my mortal heart.
glimmer I can handle...golden glimmer is too much
You found me, too, aglow within Orion’s nameless sword.
Three jewels led you to my appellation. We laughed together
after sombre service, and pompously made Alnitak my own.

The stars are faded now, by vision pulled through ages;
abraded by the sand that scarifies the lens and runs
Scarifies is one of your pet words. It appeared in your other poem. We writers all have a few, but those words start losing power when we use them too much. It's a bit easier to get away with when they are commonly used words but scarifies isn't.
spontaneous through the glassy, tiny phial. I hold you close,
my Aphrodite, a comfort knowing you are still beside me;
though I touch you more to know you than I used to do.
this line is hard for me to read now. Since it's a bit longer, some of the decisiveness that I liked in the original line is missing.
What change these dimming days will bring to we old lovers,
we old lovers doesn't seem right
who chose the suns we hoped would rage forever bright;
correct usage is brightly...you can use bright, but this does shade the meaning. For me, rage brightly the 'bright' is throughout the sense of time. rage bright, the 'bright' feels more like the result, the destination to arrive at.
not thinking that the night would come between us
and our spaced embrace--one long life kiss, one hand
that brushes gently, hidden from all heaven's sight.
Alnitak, if only I could see you. If just one flicker danced before my eyes,
then all the firmament would burn inside me,
and you and I would light the blind night skies.
This ending reads somewhat expectedly, kinda like a recording where the music fades out at the end.

original
Stars are not in my night sky, not anymore.
I counted them when I was cold and keen;
younger too, out in the blowing, shifting night
wrapped in tweeds and wool and you.
Playing came to love, like warmth to rocks in sun;
remember how we named the distant, dying globes?
I called you by my name, my Aphrodite, and there
upon that glimmer, forever fixed my mortal, living heart.
You found me, too, within Orion’s nameless sword.
Three jewels led you to my appellation,
we laughed to christen Alnitak my own.

Stars are faded now, by vision pulled through ages;
abraided by the sand that dulls the sense and runs,
not never ending, spontaneous through the glassy, tiny phial.
My Aphrodite, you are still beside me;
I touch you more to know you than I did.
What change these dimming days will bring to lovers,
who chose our suns to burn above forever; not thinking
of the night that comes between our spaced embrace--
one long life kiss, one hand that brushes hidden from all sight.
Alnitak, if only I could see you, if just one flicker danced
for these imploring eyes, then all the firmament would burn inside me,

and you and I would see again the sky.

Tectak
(should have gone to Specsavers) 2013
[/quote]

[tectak]

Right now I don't think this is better. This leads me to believe that you need to put this away for a while and then come back to it.

edit 1

Stars are not in my night sky, not anymore.
I counted them when I was cold and keen;
younger too, out in the blowing, shifting night
wrapped in tweeds and wool and you.
Playing came to love, like warmth to rocks in sun;
remember how we claimed the distant globes?
I gave my name for you, my Aphrodite, to christen lovingly
a golden glimmer; and there forever pinned my mortal heart.
glimmer I can handle...golden glimmer is too much
You found me, too, aglow within Orion’s nameless sword.
Three jewels led you to my appellation. We laughed together
after sombre service, and pompously made Alnitak my own.

The stars are faded now, by vision pulled through ages;
abraded by the sand that scarifies the lens and runs
Scarifies is one of your pet words. It appeared in your other poem. We writers all have a few, but those words start losing power when we use them too much. It's a bit easier to get away with when they are commonly used words but scarifies isn't.
spontaneous through the glassy, tiny phial. I hold you close,
my Aphrodite, a comfort knowing you are still beside me;
though I touch you more to know you than I used to do.
this line is hard for me to read now. Since it's a bit longer, some of the decisiveness that I liked in the original line is missing.
What change these dimming days will bring to we old lovers,
we old lovers doesn't seem right
who chose the suns we hoped would rage forever bright;
correct usage is brightly...you can use bright, but this does shade the meaning. For me, rage brightly the 'bright' is throughout the sense of time. rage bright, the 'bright' feels more like the result, the destination to arrive at.
not thinking that the night would come between us
and our spaced embrace--one long life kiss, one hand
that brushes gently, hidden from all heaven's sight.
Alnitak, if only I could see you. If just one flicker danced before my eyes,
then all the firmament would burn inside me,
and you and I would light the blind night skies.
This ending reads somewhat expectedly, kinda like a recording where the music fades out at the end.

original
Stars are not in my night sky, not anymore.
I counted them when I was cold and keen;
younger too, out in the blowing, shifting night
wrapped in tweeds and wool and you.
Playing came to love, like warmth to rocks in sun;
remember how we named the distant, dying globes?
I called you by my name, my Aphrodite, and there
upon that glimmer, forever fixed my mortal, living heart.
You found me, too, within Orion’s nameless sword.
Three jewels led you to my appellation,
we laughed to christen Alnitak my own.

Stars are faded now, by vision pulled through ages;
abraided by the sand that dulls the sense and runs,
not never ending, spontaneous through the glassy, tiny phial.
My Aphrodite, you are still beside me;
I touch you more to know you than I did.
What change these dimming days will bring to lovers,
who chose our suns to burn above forever; not thinking
of the night that comes between our spaced embrace--
one long life kiss, one hand that brushes hidden from all sight.
Alnitak, if only I could see you, if just one flicker danced
for these imploring eyes, then all the firmament would burn inside me,

and you and I would see again the sky.

Tectak
(should have gone to Specsavers) 2013

[/quote]
Hi bt,
Yes, there is wisdom in what you say. I swing with the monkeys in the workshopping forum.
I keep my original original on file. I may revert to it one day.
You are wrong, though, on the scarify thing. This is only the second time I have used it in print in 50 years, though it is part of my spoken lexicon. I guess the chances of the bon mot appearing twice in half a century is not outside the odds! I use "the" quite a lot
Brightly is rightly. Noted.
Best,
tectak

[milo]

Right now I don't think this is better. This leads me to believe that you need to put this away for a while and then come back to it.

edit 1

Stars are not in my night sky, not anymore.
I counted them when I was cold and keen;
younger too, out in the blowing, shifting night
wrapped in tweeds and wool and you.
Playing came to love, like warmth to rocks in sun;
remember how we claimed the distant globes?
I gave my name for you, my Aphrodite, to christen lovingly
a golden glimmer; and there forever pinned my mortal heart.
glimmer I can handle...golden glimmer is too much
You found me, too, aglow within Orion’s nameless sword.
Three jewels led you to my appellation. We laughed together
after sombre service, and pompously made Alnitak my own.

The stars are faded now, by vision pulled through ages;
abraded by the sand that scarifies the lens and runs
Scarifies is one of your pet words. It appeared in your other poem. We writers all have a few, but those words start losing power when we use them too much. It's a bit easier to get away with when they are commonly used words but scarifies isn't.
spontaneous through the glassy, tiny phial. I hold you close,
my Aphrodite, a comfort knowing you are still beside me;
though I touch you more to know you than I used to do.
this line is hard for me to read now. Since it's a bit longer, some of the decisiveness that I liked in the original line is missing.
What change these dimming days will bring to we old lovers,
we old lovers doesn't seem right
who chose the suns we hoped would rage forever bright;
correct usage is brightly...you can use bright, but this does shade the meaning. For me, rage brightly the 'bright' is throughout the sense of time. rage bright, the 'bright' feels more like the result, the destination to arrive at.
not thinking that the night would come between us
and our spaced embrace--one long life kiss, one hand
that brushes gently, hidden from all heaven's sight.
Alnitak, if only I could see you. If just one flicker danced before my eyes,
then all the firmament would burn inside me,
and you and I would light the blind night skies.
This ending reads somewhat expectedly, kinda like a recording where the music fades out at the end.

original
Stars are not in my night sky, not anymore.
I counted them when I was cold and keen;
younger too, out in the blowing, shifting night
wrapped in tweeds and wool and you.
Playing came to love, like warmth to rocks in sun;
remember how we named the distant, dying globes?
I called you by my name, my Aphrodite, and there
upon that glimmer, forever fixed my mortal, living heart.
You found me, too, within Orion’s nameless sword.
Three jewels led you to my appellation,
we laughed to christen Alnitak my own.

Stars are faded now, by vision pulled through ages;
abraided by the sand that dulls the sense and runs,
not never ending, spontaneous through the glassy, tiny phial.
My Aphrodite, you are still beside me;
I touch you more to know you than I did.
What change these dimming days will bring to lovers,
who chose our suns to burn above forever; not thinking
of the night that comes between our spaced embrace--
one long life kiss, one hand that brushes hidden from all sight.
Alnitak, if only I could see you, if just one flicker danced
for these imploring eyes, then all the firmament would burn inside me,

and you and I would see again the sky.

Tectak
(should have gone to Specsavers) 2013

Hi bt,
Yes, there is wisdom in what you say. I swing with the monkeys in the workshopping forum.
I keep my original original on file. I may revert to it one day.
You are wrong, though, on the scarify thing. This is only the second time I have used it in print in 50 years, though it is part of my spoken lexicon. I guess the chances of the bon mot appearing twice in half a century is not outside the odds! I use "the" quite a lot
Brightly is rightly. Noted.
Best,
tectak
[/quote]

brightly is not necessarily correct - rage in this case is what is called a linking verb - essentially a glorified form of the verb "to be".

the fire burned red
the sun shone yellow
etc . . .

[btrudo]

brightly is not necessarily correct - rage in this case is what is called a linking verb - essentially a glorified form of the verb "to be".

the fire burned red
the sun shone yellow
etc . . .

Poets can decide upon such usage, but it's not considered acceptable grammar. Not that I care much about the rules of grammar, but they exist and change. As for glorified "to be", 'rage' in the poem doesn't read like an is. There is are differences between rage brightly and rage bright, and I believe that I already discussed my take on that. I have no problem with "rage bright", but I want did want to offer my different reads on the word choice.

If you want as an is, why didn't the poem say:
who chose the bright suns we hoped would rage forever

The little choices do give different connotations.

If you're just doing it to make the meter tidy, is that good enough of a reason?

---

You are wrong, though, on the scarify thing. This is only the second time I have used it in print in 50 years, though it is part of my spoken lexicon.

Well, I've read two poems by you and it's in both, so what am I supposed to think? So it's your pet word for the week.

It's not part of my lexicon and I can't recall seeing it anywhere. No problem with that...new word entry: scarify. The lexicon can be a messy matter (perhaps impossible to resolve) when you start considering all the different locales where English is spoken and written. If it's the right word, go with it, but at the same time, "scarifies" wasn't in the original, so why did you change?

A little workshop adage is if a word keeps popping up, it may be asking you to write a poem about it.

[tectak]

brightly is not necessarily correct - rage in this case is what is called a linking verb - essentially a glorified form of the verb "to be".

the fire burned red
the sun shone yellow
etc . . .

Poets can decide upon such usage, but it's not considered acceptable grammar. Not that I care much about the rules of grammar, but they exist and change. As for glorified "to be", 'rage' in the poem doesn't read like an is. There is are differences between rage brightly and rage bright, and I believe that I already discussed my take on that. I have no problem with "rage bright", but I want did want to offer my different reads on the word choice.

If you want as an is, why didn't the poem say:
who chose the bright suns we hoped would rage forever

The little choices do give different connotations.

If you're just doing it to make the meter tidy, is that good enough of a reason?

---

You are wrong, though, on the scarify thing. This is only the second time I have used it in print in 50 years, though it is part of my spoken lexicon.

Well, I've read two poems by you and it's in both, so what am I supposed to think? So it's your pet word for the week.

It's not part of my lexicon and I can't recall seeing it anywhere. No problem with that...new word entry: scarify. The lexicon can be a messy matter (perhaps impossible to resolve) when you start considering all the different locales where English is spoken and written. If it's the right word, go with it, but at the same time, "scarifies" wasn't in the original, so why did you change?

A little workshop adage is if a word keeps popping up, it may be asking you to write a poem about it.

Hi bt,
If you want to see more instances of poems where scarify is not, read all but the two where it is...dear Liza
Very best,
tectak

[milo]

brightly is not necessarily correct - rage in this case is what is called a linking verb - essentially a glorified form of the verb "to be".

the fire burned red
the sun shone yellow
etc . . .

Poets can decide upon such usage, but it's not considered acceptable grammar. Not that I care much about the rules of grammar, but they exist and change. As for glorified "to be", 'rage' in the poem doesn't read like an is. There is are differences between rage brightly and rage bright, and I believe that I already discussed my take on that. I have no problem with "rage bright", but I want did want to offer my different reads on the word choice.

If you want as an is, why didn't the poem say:
who chose the bright suns we hoped would rage forever

The little choices do give different connotations.

If you're just doing it to make the meter tidy, is that good enough of a reason?

---

the difference is obvious -

the suns would rage bright = the suns would /be/ bright with a little passion thrown in.

the suns would rage brightly is a rediculous statement. What is the difference between raging brightly and raging dimly? Besides being a stupid thing to say it sounds terrible. I would leave it as it is.

grammatically they are both correct.

just my input.

[btrudo]

Your teacher would have taken some points off your paper, because it would not be considered grammatical usage of bright with rage.

Besides did you even read what I said originally?
rage bright, the 'bright' feels more like the result, the destination to arrive at.

suns become bright
That is correct linking verb usage.

Like I had originally said, bright is the end result.

If he wants it to modify the suns (as in, suns are bright), then correct usage is bright suns rage.

If you want "suns rage bright" to be "suns are bright", then we're not reading same meaning. Hence, we arrive at the reason for all those pesky grammar rules: to avoid confusion in meaning.

What does tectak want from the modification bright? They don't all mean the same thing.

Of course, I could also ask how would a star rage? Brightly seems to be already implied by using rage.

[milo]

Your teacher would have taken some points off your paper, because it would not be considered grammatical usage of bright with rage.

Besides did you even read what I said originally?
rage bright, the 'bright' feels more like the result, the destination to arrive at.

no, because i was responding to Tom, I didn't want him to make the mistake of improperly trying to modify sun with an adverb.

suns become bright
That is correct linking verb usage.

Like I had originally said, bright is the end result.

If he wants it to modify the suns (as in, suns are bright), then correct usage is bright suns rage.

If you want "suns rage bright" to be "suns are bright", then we're not reading same meaning. Hence, we arrive at the reason for all those pesky grammar rules: to avoid confusion in meaning.

What does tectak want from the modification bright? They don't all mean the same thing.

Of course, I could also ask how would a star rage? Brightly seems to be already implied by using rage.

this sounds like a great conversation for general. While you are pondering that, please research linking verbs so you will know what you are talking about:

http://www.chompchomp.com/terms/linkingverb.htm

rage works fine as a linking verb in this case, especially since he used an adjective.

The only alternative would have been brightly, which, being rediculous as he was clearly describing the sun, not how it raged, is immediately dismissed.

Please bring any further discussion of this matter to the discussion forum.

[btrudo]

Comment deleted, please continue this discussion in the discussion forums or the pig's arse.

[btrudo]

edit 1

Stars are not in my night sky, not anymore.
I counted them when I was cold and keen;
younger too, out in the blowing, shifting night
wrapped in tweeds and wool and you.
Playing came to love, like warmth to rocks in sun;
remember how we claimed the distant globes?
I gave my name for you, my Aphrodite, to christen lovingly
a golden glimmer; and there forever pinned my mortal heart.
You found me, too, aglow within Orion’s nameless sword.
Three jewels led you to my appellation. We laughed together
after sombre service, and pompously made Alnitak my own.

The stars are faded now, by vision pulled through ages;
abraded by the sand that scarifies the lens and runs
spontaneous through the glassy, tiny phial. I hold you close,
The first stanza may be whimsical, but these 3 lines are NOT whimsical:
faded, pulled, abraded, scarifies...
This is a major change in tone.


my Aphrodite, a comfort knowing you are still beside me;
though I touch you more to know you than I used to do.
What change these dimming days will bring to we old lovers,
who chose the suns we hoped would rage forever bright;
not thinking that the night would come between us
and our spaced embrace--one long life kiss, one hand
that brushes gently, hidden from all heaven's sight.
Alnitak, if only I could see you. If just one flicker danced before my eyes,
then all the firmament would burn inside me,
and you and I would light the blind night skies.

original
Stars are not in my night sky, not anymore.
I counted them when I was cold and keen;
younger too, out in the blowing, shifting night
wrapped in tweeds and wool and you.
Playing came to love, like warmth to rocks in sun;
remember how we named the distant, dying globes?
I called you by my name, my Aphrodite, and there
upon that glimmer, forever fixed my mortal, living heart.
You found me, too, within Orion’s nameless sword.
Three jewels led you to my appellation,
we laughed to christen Alnitak my own.

Stars are faded now, by vision pulled through ages;
abraided by the sand that dulls the sense and runs,
not never ending, spontaneous through the glassy, tiny phial.
My Aphrodite, you are still beside me;
I touch you more to know you than I did.
What change these dimming days will bring to lovers,
who chose our suns to burn above forever; not thinking
of the night that comes between our spaced embrace--
one long life kiss, one hand that brushes hidden from all sight.
Alnitak, if only I could see you, if just one flicker danced
for these imploring eyes, then all the firmament would burn inside me,

and you and I would see again the sky.

Tectak
(should have gone to Specsavers) 2013

[ChristopherSea]

edit 1

Stars are not in my night sky, not anymore.
I counted them when I was cold and keen;
younger too, out in the blowing, shifting night
wrapped in tweeds and wool and you.
Playing came to love, like warmth to rocks in sun;
remember how we claimed the distant globes?
I gave my name for you, my Aphrodite, to christen lovingly
a golden glimmer; and there forever pinned my mortal heart.
You found me, too, aglow within Orion’s nameless sword.
Three jewels led you to my appellation. We laughed together
after sombre service, and pompously made Alnitak my own.

The stars are faded now, by vision pulled through ages;
abraded by the sand that scarifies the lens and runs
spontaneous through the glassy, tiny phial. I hold you close,
The first stanza may be whimsical, but these 3 lines are NOT whimsical:
faded, pulled, abraded, scarifies...
This is a major change in tone.


my Aphrodite, a comfort knowing you are still beside me;
though I touch you more to know you than I used to do.
What change these dimming days will bring to we old lovers,
who chose the suns we hoped would rage forever bright;
not thinking that the night would come between us
and our spaced embrace--one long life kiss, one hand
that brushes gently, hidden from all heaven's sight.
Alnitak, if only I could see you. If just one flicker danced before my eyes,
then all the firmament would burn inside me,
and you and I would light the blind night skies.

original
Stars are not in my night sky, not anymore.
I counted them when I was cold and keen;
younger too, out in the blowing, shifting night
wrapped in tweeds and wool and you.
Playing came to love, like warmth to rocks in sun;
remember how we named the distant, dying globes?
I called you by my name, my Aphrodite, and there
upon that glimmer, forever fixed my mortal, living heart.
You found me, too, within Orion’s nameless sword.
Three jewels led you to my appellation,
we laughed to christen Alnitak my own.

Stars are faded now, by vision pulled through ages;
abraided by the sand that dulls the sense and runs,
not never ending, spontaneous through the glassy, tiny phial.
My Aphrodite, you are still beside me;
I touch you more to know you than I did.
What change these dimming days will bring to lovers,
who chose our suns to burn above forever; not thinking
of the night that comes between our spaced embrace--
one long life kiss, one hand that brushes hidden from all sight.
Alnitak, if only I could see you, if just one flicker danced
for these imploring eyes, then all the firmament would burn inside me,

and you and I would see again the sky.

Tectak
(should have gone to Specsavers) 2013

I am hesitant to comment on the current edit for fear of being dragged into the vortex of debate associated with your piece. Nonetheless, I do like the change in timbre to a more impassioned voice. Beware of being crushed between the Scylla and Charybdis!

[tectak]

edit 1

Stars are not in my night sky, not anymore.
I counted them when I was cold and keen;
younger too, out in the blowing, shifting night1
wrapped in tweeds and wool and you.
Playing came to love, like warmth to rocks in sun;
remember how we claimed the distant globes?
I gave my name for you, my Aphrodite, to christen lovingly
a golden glimmer; and there forever pinned my mortal heart.
You found me, too, aglow within Orion’s nameless sword.
Three jewels led you to my appellation. We laughed together
after sombre service, and pompously made Alnitak my own.

The stars are faded now, by vision pulled through ages;
abraded by the sand that scarifies the lens and runs
spontaneous through the glassy, tiny phial. I hold you close,
The first stanza may be whimsical, but these 3 lines are NOT whimsical:
faded, pulled, abraded, scarifies...
This is a major change in tone.


my Aphrodite, a comfort knowing you are still beside me;
though I touch you more to know you than I used to do.
What change these dimming days will bring to we old lovers,
who chose the suns we hoped would rage forever bright;
not thinking that the night would come between us
and our spaced embrace--one long life kiss, one hand
that brushes gently, hidden from all heaven's sight.
Alnitak, if only I could see you. If just one flicker danced before my eyes,
then all the firmament would burn inside me,
and you and I would light the blind night skies.

original
Stars are not in my night sky, not anymore.
I counted them when I was cold and keen;
younger too, out in the blowing, shifting night
wrapped in tweeds and wool and you.
Playing came to love, like warmth to rocks in sun;
remember how we named the distant, dying globes?
I called you by my name, my Aphrodite, and there
upon that glimmer, forever fixed my mortal, living heart.
You found me, too, within Orion’s nameless sword.
Three jewels led you to my appellation,
we laughed to christen Alnitak my own.

Stars are faded now, by vision pulled through ages;
abraided by the sand that dulls the sense and runs,
not never ending, spontaneous through the glassy, tiny phial.
My Aphrodite, you are still beside me;
I touch you more to know you than I did.
What change these dimming days will bring to lovers,
who chose our suns to burn above forever; not thinking
of the night that comes between our spaced embrace--
one long life kiss, one hand that brushes hidden from all sight.
Alnitak, if only I could see you, if just one flicker danced
for these imploring eyes, then all the firmament would burn inside me,

and you and I would see again the sky.

Tectak
(should have gone to Specsavers) 2013

I am hesitant to comment on the current edit for fear of being dragged into the vortex of debate associated with your piece. Nonetheless, I do like the change in timbre to a more impassioned voice. Beware of being crushed between the Scylla and Charybdis!

Nice to hear Scylla and Charybdis brought into this acrimonious modernity...nothing changes under the sun...hrmmmph!

[btrudo]

Edit 2

Stars are not in my night sky, not anymore.
I counted them when I was cold and keen;
younger then, out in the blowing, shifting night
wrapped in tweeds and wool and you.
Playing came to love, like warmth to rocks in sunshine;
remember how we claimed the distant globes?
I gave my name for you, my Aphrodite, to christen lovingly
an auric glint; and there forever pinned my mortal heart.
auric glint...much better in terms of freshness, though I'm not sure it's better sonically. What sound does the poem want here?
You found me, too, aglow within Orion’s nameless belt.
Three jewels drew you to my appellation; then for one pearl
we held a sombre service and pompously made Alnitak my own.

The stars are fading now, in vision pulled through ages;
fading and pulled...I would think there is some opportunity to pick a more precise and richer word.
abraded by the sand that scars the lens
and runs spontaneous through the glassy phial.
Is this becoming spontaneous? Or is this spontaneous all along? see note at end
I hold you close, my love, my Aphrodite;
these days I touch you more, to know you, than before.
you=lover
What change these dimming days will bring to lovers,
who chose the suns we hoped would rage forever bright;
After pondering, I reached that bright is a throwaway, unless you really want it as the process of becoming, but nothing later in the poem seems to want that concept of evolving.

Evolving wasn't how you worded it semantically in the original, so the question morphs into: Is there another word that could add something to the poem?
not thinking that the dust would come between us
and our spaced embrace -- one long life kiss, one hand
that brushes gently, hidden from all heaven's sight.

Alnitak, if only I could see you.
you = Alnitak
If just one flicker danced before my eyes,
then all the firmament would burn inside me,
and you and I would light the blind night skies.
Following the antecedents, you=Alnitak, but the last line seems to want to be you=lover, so I don't know. Left to what I see here, I would conclude, you=Alnitak.

Following the original, there was more sense of themes of naming in the first stanza. I would have liked to have seen that explored further. This version drops most of that, so it's tighter, but at the same time, some of its potential has evaporated.

If this were in a journal, I would accept it as a whole, though this is a workshop and I do think there is still room for this to grow.

...
end note:
By the way, you can find grammatical sources where run is used as a linking verb like in run dry, as in "becomes dry". "runs fast" is consider correct usage, though fast is labeled as an adverb in that instant.

Interesting enough, "raged bright" would be grammatically correct according to some sources, but this does not appear to be universal. However, this is not because raged is a linking verb. You can find "bright" labeled as an adverb in a few places, though of course, the definition of bright in such cases is merely "brightly".

What's amusing is that I have no love of grammar. The only use that I can see for it is to avoid confusion. However, a part of my job is prepping students to take standardized tests, so I need to know this stuff.



edit 1

Stars are not in my night sky, not anymore.
I counted them when I was cold and keen;
younger then, out in the blowing, shifting night
wrapped in tweeds and wool and you.
Playing came to love, like warmth to rocks in sunshine;
remember how we claimed the distant globes?
I gave my name for you, my Aphrodite, to christen lovingly
an auric glimmer; and there forever pinned my mortal heart.
You found me, too, aglow within Orion’s nameless sword.
Three jewels led you to my appellation. We laughed together,
held a sombre service, and pompously made Alnitak my own.

The stars are fading now, in vision pulled through ages;
abraded by the sand that scarifies the lens and runs
spontaneous through the glassy, tiny phial. I hold you close,
my Aphrodite, a comfort knowing you are still beside me;
though I touch you more, to know you, than before.
What change these dimming days will bring to we old lovers,
who chose the suns we hoped would rage forever bright;
not thinking that the night would come between us
and our spaced embrace--one long life kiss, one hand
that brushes gently, hidden from all heaven's sight.
Alnitak, if only I could see you. If just one flicker danced before my eyes,
then all the firmament would burn inside me,
and you and I would light the blind night skies.

original
Stars are not in my night sky, not anymore.
I counted them when I was cold and keen;
younger too, out in the blowing, shifting night
wrapped in tweeds and wool and you.
Playing came to love, like warmth to rocks in sun;
remember how we named the distant, dying globes?
I called you by my name, my Aphrodite, and there
upon that glimmer, forever fixed my mortal, living heart.
You found me, too, within Orion’s nameless sword.
Three jewels led you to my appellation,
we laughed to christen Alnitak my own.

Stars are faded now, by vision pulled through ages;
abraided by the sand that dulls the sense and runs,
not never ending, spontaneous through the glassy, tiny phial.
My Aphrodite, you are still beside me;
I touch you more to know you than I did.
What change these dimming days will bring to lovers,
who chose our suns to burn above forever; not thinking
of the night that comes between our spaced embrace--
one long life kiss, one hand that brushes hidden from all sight.
Alnitak, if only I could see you, if just one flicker danced
for these imploring eyes, then all the firmament would burn inside me,

and you and I would see again the sky.

Tectak
(should have gone to Specsavers) 2013
bt and milo...beware the spontaneous trap
[/quote]

[Erthona]

For a love poem it's not too bad. There is too much comment from others to read through, so if I repeat, then I do.

There are lines that seem a tad to long, but nothing fatal.

The following line seems a bit over the top "I hold you close, my love, my Aphrodite;"

The last section is confusing, as it is not clear who is talking to who. I could figure it out, but that's not my job.

Your use of dimming as a metaphor, though well worn, is still artfully done.

On the whole it seems to be rounding in well. The poignant points seem to me to the strongest feature. The overall feel of the lines seems that of an idyll, and is reminiscent of the bucolic aspects of Tennyson "Idylls of the King", in feel if not in form.


Dale