Welcome to California

[Expendable Youth.]

I was hoping to have my newest piece fixed up, my last one was a fucking mess, aha. I'd like to thank tectak again for putting me on track.

Welcome to California

There's a flight out of here,
to everything I've fought for.

There's nothing left for me here,
nothing worth craving.
Nothing worth its strain in emotion.
It's set, hardening like concrete.
My doubt is seeping through
and making it crack.

I didn't mean everything,
there's still you,
there's still everything I've wanted us to be.
I cannot give you everything,
as if you would accept.

Your pride is your downfall.
It brings out the best in you,
hurting me, I have to say.
There's nothing left for me here
if there's nothing more for you to say.

[tectak]

I was hoping to have my newest piece fixed up, my last one was a fucking mess, aha. I'd like to thank tectak again for putting me on track.
Hi exp,
Good egg....let's have another go....it looks tighter.
Welcome to California

There's a flight out of here,
to everything I've fought for. Yep. Clean with just enough enigma. Pulls me in.

There's nothing left for me here,
nothing worth craving. Maybe this isn't saying enough to keep the ball rolling...we shall see
Nothing worth its strain in emotion. Way too many "nothings". It doesn't work in the stanza's favour. Some words you CAN repeat...but there is usually an emotive reason for the emphasis which repetition brings. This is a maudling stanza...woe, woe, woe is me...which needs strong language to trigger the coming metaphor. You know, the concrete metaphor...er cliche.Problem. How do all these nothings set like concrete? There's that unknown "it's" again.
It's set, hardening like concrete.
My doubt is seeping through
and making it crack.MAKING WHAT CRACK! You have said it is nothing. Nothing turned to concrete and nownothing is cracking. Needs tidying up. There is a hair-thin thread of meaning in this which I can only see because of its length.

I didn't mean everything, You didn't say everything. Disconnected
there's still you,
there's still everything I've wanted us to be. everything...everything...nothing...nothing...nothing...everything. This has to stop. We are rolling around like a marble on a mirror, going no where but reflecting all the time. Make a point. Too much abstraction.
I cannot give you everything,
as if you would accept. Is this cynical? If not the "as" word is puzzling. If so, I can just get your point but am left wondering if it is worth the effort. These two lines could probably go with no loss...and it would be one less "everything" to boot.

Your pride is your downfall.
It brings out the best in you, Is it me or is this nonsense?
hurting me, I have to say.
There's nothing left for me here
if there's nothing more for you to say.Hmmm. Seems like a fair point...everything considered it ends on nothing.

Look, this is all opinion, but I believe you have stretched this piece way too far. I appreciate the gestalt nature of the process, but it could all be said in four lines. This is padded beyond pretension...you are hoodwinking yourself into deathly prose when you could be writing terse-verse. Condense it down to its essential message then try to put your heart where your head is.

1 I'm leaving on a Jet Plane.( Consequence)
2 Without you I cannot stay here.( Reason)
3 I live in hope of reconcilliation.( Rationalisation)
4 No. It is over.(Gestalt)

...your poem.
Best,
tectak

[Expendable Youth.]

Alright, thank you. See if I can pull off something a little better.

[tectak]

Alright, thank you. See if I can pull off something a little better.

You can. You will.
Best,
tectak

[btrudo]

Welcome to California

There's a flight out of here,
to everything I've fought for.

There's nothing left for me here,
nothing worth craving.
Nothing worth its strain in emotion.
It's set, hardening like concrete.
it--antecedent? I'm not sure what has set, the decision?
My doubt is seeping through
and making it crack.
For this to work, the concrete has to be hardened, not hardening. More like this:
It's set, hardened like concrete,
though my doubt has already cracked
the foundation, flooding my resolve.

The rest of this is too talky. The only time I can handle excessive talkiness is if the piece is a perspective-driven monologue. This needs a lot more imagery and/or metaphor.
I didn't mean everything,
there's still you,
there's still everything I've wanted us to be.
I cannot give you everything,
as if you would accept.

Your pride is your downfall.
It brings out the best in you,
hurting me, I have to say.
There's nothing left for me here
if there's nothing more for you to say.