Dreams

[Green Ink]

try to sleep but
shadows on ceiling try
to gang up on this little light that
shines when it's time to bury my head and
dream up a world that I have been looking
forward to.

The things
that go through
my mind as I stare outside
and wonder why sparks of genius
come out so late at night. Just when
I feel about to sleep,
the curtains shake,
trees cast shadows,
house makes noises.

I think of
all the the things
I want to dream before
I close my eyes and drift away
to my talking trees?
sensual tastes?
the feeling of flight?
or the chef's special of this fantasy filled night.

Maybe I'll dream of
girls that were never approached
because I could not bring myself to go
and strike up a conversation, but now
it's up to my imagination

Green Ink

---

1st edit.

original

Dreams

try to sleep but
shadows on ceiling try
to gang up on this little light that
shines when it's time to bury my head and
dream up a world that I have been looking
forward to.

The things
that go through
my mind as I stare outside
and wonder why sparks of genius
come out so late at night. Just when
I feel about to sleep,
the curtains shake,
trees cast shadows,
house makes noises.

I think of
all the the things
I want to dream before
I close my eyes and drift away
to my special place?
sensual tastes?
the feeling of flight?
or the chef's special of this fantasy filled night.

Other's talk
of counting sheep
but I have no trouble
when it comes to geting sleep,
To escape to a new place,
differant air, fantasy fair, mythical creatures,
walking underwater or transforming to a new size!
All at the price of closing my eyes.

Maybe I'll dream of
girls that were never approached
because I could not bring myself to go
and strike up a conversation, but now
it's up to my imagination

Green Ink

[R.C. KITCHENS]

try to sleep but
shadows on ceiling try
to gang up on this little light that
shines when it's time to bury my head and
dream up a world that I have been looking
forward to.

The things
that go through
my mind as I stare outside
and wonder why sparks of genius
come out so late at night. Just when
I feel about to sleep,
the curtains shake,
trees cast shadows,
house makes noises.

I think of
all the the things
I want to dream before
I close my eyes and drift away
to my special place?
sensual tastes?
the feeling of flight?
or the chef's special of this fantasy filled night.

Maybe I'll dream of
girls that were never approached
because I could not bring myself to go
and strike up a conversation, but now
it's up to my imagination

Green Ink

"this little light that
shines" Is cliche

That line above needs to be taken out. It messes up the rhythm. Makes me think of that Jesus song " this little light of mine, im going to let it shine" It may be one word different but its cliche. I like what your trying to do, but, some more imagery would be nice. what is your "special place"? Come to think of it, "special place" is cliche. I know this isnt a critique forum so just some advice.

[Green Ink]

it's format is enough imagery and the way it's formatted is to resemble stairs, like a climbing pattern. More imagery would mean that I make it longer and it has a simple meaning, but I guess you were attracted to the third verse where it picks up a little, and it's good to know that people like that and want more of it. My other similar poems didn't get a lot of responses so I limited the imagery a bit, but it still is not watered down.

[R.C. KITCHENS]

it's format is enough imagery and the way it's formatted is to resemble stairs, like a climbing pattern. More imagery would mean that I make it longer and it has a simple meaning, but I guess you were attracted to the third verse where it picks up a little, and it's good to know that people like that and want more of it. My other similar poems didn't get a lot of responses so I limited the imagery a bit, but it still is not watered down.

Just "special place" is cliche and vague. That's one line I'd fix. I honestly didnt pay attention to the formatting. I mean imagery- one good line in place of "special place" would do well.

[Green Ink]

better?

[billy]

it's format is enough imagery and the way it's formatted is to resemble stairs, like a climbing pattern. More imagery would mean that I make it longer and it has a simple meaning, but I guess you were attracted to the third verse where it picks up a little, and it's good to know that people like that and want more of it. My other similar poems didn't get a lot of responses so I limited the imagery a bit, but it still is not watered down.

format is never enough as imagery on its own. you need images within the words of the poem. in general it's very wordy. have a read of some of the pdf's at the bottom of my signature

try to sleep but you open and have some tension starting with the 1st line.
shadows on ceiling try
to gang up on this little light that
shines when it's time to bury my head and
dream up a world that I have been looking
forward to. much to much going on and it stops the reader wanting to carry on, it also wastes the tension of the 1st line. a suggestion would be to forgo the concrete poem with it's stairs and concentrate on writing a poem, an example;

I ache to sleep
but shadows gang up
to kill the small ceiling light.
I bury my heavy head to dream
on a world I've been looking forward to make the poem show something

The things
that go through
my mind as I stare outside
and wonder why sparks of genius
come out so late at night. Just when
I feel about to sleep,
the curtains shake,
trees cast shadows,
house makes noises.

I think of
all the the things
I want to dream before
I close my eyes and drift away
to my talking trees?
sensual tastes?
the feeling of flight?
or the chef's special of this fantasy filled night.

Maybe I'll dream of
girls that were never approached
because I could not bring myself to go
and strike up a conversation, but now
it's up to my imagination

[Green Ink]

well the main thing here is the format in which it was written, I decided to choose this one because it stands out.

[billy]

certain posts including one of mine have been deleted for being off topic/mod