Mouse
#1
EDIT 2
Creepily crawling though the creaking counter tops,
the mouse earnestly eats your leftovers left of a sloppy mop.
The mouse looks at you as cute as cute can be
what do you think a mouse would say if it were up to me?

Please can I have some more?
I'll promise i'll move to the door.
All I want is to be is friends! Yes, friends you see?
So why does everyone want to terribly thrill me?

I'll never be caught, thought the mouse.
I will even go into your vintage blue blouse.
Your house is so big I am glad for you,
every house is free for mice who floor flew!

So here I creep into your pillow.
Just like I am hiding in a tree of willow.
So we can be best friends, you will find me!
Oh no, now sister, why are you suddenly screaming?

I am trying to apologize for my sneaky self.
Mouse, slyly skirmishing into a shelf.

"Can we keep him? He was just sleeping?"

"Haha babe, maybe he was a she. We can keep him you will see."

Oh look what I caught thought the mouse, a good ol family.
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
--mark twain
Bunx
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#2
Big Grin 
Wink Fun! You led me places I didn't expect a non-mouse to go.
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#3
(08-03-2013, 11:35 PM)Bunx Wrote:  Creepily crawling though the creaking counter tops, Personally I like alliterations, but this line felt a bit over the top with all the c's and t's.
the mouse earnestly eats your leftovers left of a sloppy mop.
The mouse looks at you, as cute as cute can be,
what do you think a mouse would say if it were up to me? This line confused me a little. Might just be me though, I'm not a native English speaker.
Please, can I have some more?
I promise i'll move to the door. I'll
All I want is to be, friends! Yes, friends you see? I don't think you need the first comma.
So why, does everyone want to terribly thrill me? I don't think you need the comma here either.

I'll never be caught thought the mouse. Perhaps a comma after 'caught'?
I will even go into your vintage blue blouse. I like this. The humor made me chuckle.
Your house is so big I am glad for you,
every house is free for mice who floor flew!

So here I creep into your pillow.
Just like I am hiding in a tree of willow. This line sounds a bit forced. Though I like the comparison.
So we can be best friends, your like me you'll find! Should 'your' be 'you'll'?
Oh no, now sister, why are you suddenly screaming?

I am trying to apologize for my sneaky self.
mouse, slyly skirmishing into a shelf.

"Can we keep him? He was just sleeping?"

"Haha babe, maybe he was a she. We can keep him you will see."

Oh look what I caught thought the mouse, a good ol family.

Hi Bunx,
I really like the topic you've chosen for this poem, and some of the lines made me chuckle. I've left a few notes for you to consider. JMHO of course, for you to use or lose.
Thanks for the read.
My best,
Louise
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#4
Louise! thanks for the feed back i'll tinker with the grammar structure and see what happens!

kelly! i thought the subject matter would be a fun one! and louise, additionally i am glad i made your chuckle! Big Grin
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
--mark twain
Bunx
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