Poor Poem

[ray]

Revision

At the moment of birth
you move into focus

my eyes burn
at deformities
and jaundice
the way you gulp for air.

The cord is broken
blood sponged up
and wedding robes
are coarsely cut.

Some flannel wipes
the spittle from your chin.

Every orifice is plugged.
You lack a soul
and afterthoughts
just rot inside your skin.

Sprinkle scent
spread the shroud
count the mourners
bearing flowers.

You sink beneath
the weight of others
give or take
an occasional bump.

I’m already pregnant
once again.


Original


At the moment of birth
you move into focus
my eyes burn
at deformities
and jaundice
the way you gulp for air.

The cord is broke
and blood sponged up

the wedding robes
are coarsely cut.

Some flannel wipes
the spittle from your chin.

Every orifice is plugged.
You lack a soul

and afterthoughts
just rot inside your skin.

Sprinkle scent
spread the shroud

count the mourners
bearing flowers.

You sink beneath
the weight of others
give or take
an occasional bump.
I’m already pregnant
once again.

[heslopian]

At the moment of birth
you move into focus
my eyes burn
at deformities
and jaundice Because there's no comma here it sounds like "jaundice" is being used as a verb ("jaundice the way you gasp for air"), which disturbs the rhythm and syntax. In fact, I almost left a comment asking if jaundice can be used as a verb.
the way you gulp for air.

The cord is broke
and blood sponged up I'd recommend putting a comma here, as it would create a stronger pause before the next couplet, emphasising the images in both and making the half rhyme of "up" and "cut" more pronounced.

the wedding robes I love the comparison of an umbilical cord to wedding finery.
are coarsely cut.

Some flannel wipes I'd replace "some" with "a", because the longer syllable in "some" puts too much emphasis on "flannel" when the more important image is the spittle. That would just be my aesthetic choice, though.
the spittle from your chin.

Every orifice is plugged.
You lack a soul

and afterthoughts
just rot inside your skin. My favourite part of this poem. This couplet is agonisingly beautiful. "Just" is perfectly chosen and placed, while the image of afterthoughts rotting evokes stillbirth with such dark poignancy.

Sprinkle scent
spread the shroud A comma could go here for the same reason I suggested putting one after "sponged up": emphasis of imagery.

count the mourners
bearing flowers.

You sink beneath
the weight of others I might put a comma here, too.
give or take
an occasional bump.
I’m already pregnant
once again. Is "once" needed? This ending is great, but it would be better with just "again", I think.

The poem is a mix of grammatical marks and spaces between lines to indicate pauses, which doesn't quite work for me; I prefer one approach or the other. That's JMHO, though, as is all my critique, and the poem is an often very powerful evocation of a very painful experience. The title and last two lines ("I'm already pregnant/once again") make me think that it's about a poor wife - maybe in Victorian London, modern Africa, or where/whenever - who breeds like an ant because she doesn't have much choice. Some she loses, some she doesn't; stillbirths are no stranger to her. Thank you for the read

[ray]

Thanks, Heslopian. I'm sure jaundice can be used as a verb. That wasn't my intent but I like the ambiguity now you've pointed it out. I'll have a think about punctuation and stuff.
I have to confess that it's not about stillborn babies. I've been instructed by someone who knows that every poet should write a meta-poem and a fish poem.
This is my meta-poem.
Would that it were a better poem.

[heslopian]

I have to confess that it's not about stillborn babies.

I feel like a right twerp now

[ray]

I have to confess that it's not about stillborn babies.

I feel like a right twerp now

Shouldn't worry too much. We've all done it. Just going back to this

Some flannel wipes I'd replace "some" with "a", because the longer syllable in "some" puts too much emphasis on "flannel" when the more important image is the spittle. That would just be my aesthetic choice, though.
the spittle from your chin.

Does "some" place more emphasis on flannel than "a"? Can't see why it should, depends on our pronunciation, I suppose.

[Leanne]

This is a well-written conceit that is consistent throughout the poem -- an unusual feat these days and well worth applauding.

I feel you could break the first stanza after "focus" and have those first two lines stand alone directly after the title to draw attention to the fact that we're embarking on an extended metaphor.

"The cord is broke" is vernacular that sounds out of place here. (I can almost picture a wee unemployed umbilical cord begging on the streets.)

I'm afraid I disagree that "some" is longer than "a" -- they're precisely the same in emphasis and length. However, "a flannel" is just that tiny bit more specific, and in fact there's really no reason you couldn't just say "flannel".

In the last stanza, others' requires an apostrophe.

All up, it's a pretty solid poem

[ray]

This is a well-written conceit that is consistent throughout the poem -- an unusual feat these days and well worth applauding.

I feel you could break the first stanza after "focus" and have those first two lines stand alone directly after the title to draw attention to the fact that we're embarking on an extended metaphor.

"The cord is broke" is vernacular that sounds out of place here. (I can almost picture a wee unemployed umbilical cord begging on the streets.)

I'm afraid I disagree that "some" is longer than "a" -- they're precisely the same in emphasis and length. However, "a flannel" is just that tiny bit more specific, and in fact there's really no reason you couldn't just say "flannel".

In the last stanza, others' requires an apostrophe.

All up, it's a pretty solid poem

Thanks, Leanne. I'll trust your judgment on breaking up the first stanza. I could just use couplets throughout, I suppose.
I want "some flannel" rather than "a flannel" because it refers also to flattery. But, yeah, could just have "Flannel".
Why would "others" require an apostrophe?

[ray]

I made some alterations.

[ChristopherSea]

What struck me most about your poor poem is that the rant comes off as one against the newborn babe and therefore disturbing. If true, it is effective, but I assume it may be metaphor for a relationship that feels like a pregnancy or childbirth. Perhaps some revising could clear that up for readers. You have three forms of line breaks herein. Ones where commas are implied, the first break after line 2, which may or may not be a new sentence and others for structure and guidance. I would put in the commas, place a period after the first couplet. Eyes can't burn at deformities, do you mean from or with? The same with jaundice, which is a discoloration of the eye from bilirubin accumualation. I would choose eyes glow with jaundice or eyes painted jaundice. Then comes, the way you gulp air. Do your eyes burn from that too? Maybe ears would be more appropriately assulted by that air gulp. The close has an intriguing twist, but since the rant is against 'you', the 'me' comes a bit abruptly when I read it. Perhaps, don't separate it from the line above, which would better hide the twist and add some sort of transition, something like:

You sink beneath
the gravity of others,
give or take
an occasional bump-
while I find myself
pregnant again.

[ray]

Thanks, ChristopherSea. I'm not quite sure what makes a rant a rant but this wasn't meant to be one or even close. The "Poor" in the title is of the "Ah, poor you" variety. It's a meta-poem.
You've a good point about the punctuation, sort of thing I'd say myself, but there's to be no commas in this.
Eyes burn at deformities and jaundice - which is an abbreviated way of saying "Eyes burn at the sight of deformities and jaundice".
I can see that without "and" or a comma before "the way you gulp for air" but I like the effect, though I'm now thinking on alternatives.
The last 6 lines were originally one stanza. It's meant to lament the inexorable slide of poems off the page on sites such as this one.

[ChristopherSea]

Thanks, ChristopherSea. I'm not quite sure what makes a rant a rant but this wasn't meant to be one or even close. The "Poor" in the title is of the "Ah, poor you" variety. It's a meta-poem.
You've a good point about the punctuation, sort of thing I'd say myself, but there's to be no commas in this.
Eyes burn at deformities and jaundice - which is an abbreviated way of saying "Eyes burn at the sight of deformities and jaundice".
I can see that without "and" or a comma before "the way you gulp for air" but I like the effect, though I'm now thinking on alternatives.
The last 6 lines were originally one stanza. It's meant to lament the inexorable slide of poems off the page on sites such as this one.

Writing poetry can be both a labor of love and like childbirth. If you feel that way about your work, whilst believing that others are just 'crapping them out' so to speak, I would have incorporated it into your poem.

[ray]

[quote='ray' pid='135787' dateline='137598981

Writing poetry can be both a labor of love and like childbirth. If you feel that way about your work, whilst believing that others are just 'crapping them out' so to speak, I would have incorporated it into your poem.

But I haven't mentioned "others", still less that I believe them to be crapping out their poems. And when I refer to sites such as this one, I mean all poetry sites. There's a certain sadness in seeing poems disappear off the page is all.

[ray]

Thanks, wow1500. Though it's not quite true, that nobody gets the drift without explanations, I think the thing for me to do with this is call it Meta -poem and be done with the subterfuge.

[philoinlove]

At the moment of birth Put a comma after birth.
you move into focus. period.

my eyes burn
at deformities
and jaundice
the way you gulp for air. This line reads awkwardly. Not sure but I think the last line is too wordy and throws the idea off balance.

The cord is broken
blood sponged up
and wedding robes
are coarsely cut. Very nice imagery, love this part.

Some flannel wipes
the spittle from your chin.

Every orifice is plugged.
You lack a soul
and afterthoughts
just rot inside your skin. This line is thought provoking.

Sprinkle scent
spread the shroud
count the mourners
bearing flowers.

You sink beneath
the weight of others
give or take
an occasional bump.

I’m already pregnant
once again.


Original


At the moment of birth
you move into focus
my eyes burn
at deformities
and jaundice
the way you gulp for air.

The cord is broke
and blood sponged up

the wedding robes
are coarsely cut.

Some flannel wipes
the spittle from your chin.

Every orifice is plugged.
You lack a soul

and afterthoughts
just rot inside your skin.

Sprinkle scent
spread the shroud

count the mourners
bearing flowers.

You sink beneath
the weight of others
give or take
an occasional bump.
I’m already pregnant
once again.

[TheWall0912]

Revision

At the moment of birth
you move into focus I think these two lines could be a bit stronger, however they do provide a good transition to the next stanza.

my eyes burn
at deformities
and jaundice
the way you gulp for air.
The intro provides a clear image

The cord is broken
blood sponged up
and wedding robes
are coarsely cut.

Some flannel wipes
the spittle from your chin. I'm not sure you need this stanza. I don't see how it adds to the poem, or even fits in really. You could do without it in my opinion.

Every orifice is plugged.
You lack a soul
and afterthoughts I like this line and the next.
just rot inside your skin.

Sprinkle scent
spread the shroud
count the mourners I like this line and the next as well. I'm not really sure you transitioned well though, what happened? I'm not seeing truly what this poem is about? A newborn baby? No, that's too obvious... but here you talk about death? I just feel like you jumped a bit, but it is written nicely. And of course, it could just be me not understanding.
bearing flowers.

You sink beneath
the weight of others
give or take
an occasional bump.

I’m already pregnant
once again. Powerful ending.

Definitely liked the Revision more than the original but I think it still needs a bit of work. Nice start, thanks for the read.

[vagabond]

Revision

At the moment of birth
you move into focus

my eyes burn
at deformities
and jaundice
the way you gulp for air.

The cord is broken
blood sponged up
and wedding robes
are coarsely cut.

Some flannel wipes
the spittle from your chin.

Every orifice is plugged.
You lack a soul
and afterthoughts
just rot inside your skin.

Sprinkle scent
spread the shroud
count the mourners
bearing flowers.

You sink beneath
the weight of others
give or take
an occasional bump.

I’m already pregnant
once again.


Original


At the moment of birth
you move into focus
my eyes burn
at deformities
and jaundice
the way you gulp for air.

The cord is broke
and blood sponged up

the wedding robes
are coarsely cut.

Some flannel wipes
the spittle from your chin.

Every orifice is plugged.
You lack a soul

and afterthoughts
just rot inside your skin.

Sprinkle scent
spread the shroud

count the mourners
bearing flowers.

You sink beneath
the weight of others
give or take
an occasional bump.
I’m already pregnant
once again.

this is not substantional critic, but i just have to say: love it.
on first reading i  thought what a  cruel description of stillbirth in a cold environment.
Then, after spying in the comments and learning that the stillborn is a metaphor it´s way more poetic than cruel.
still leaving empathy for those bumps that could have been but never will.

[shemthepenman]

Hello,
a lot has already been said about this, so I will be brief and as I haven't read all the comments, forgive any reiteration. also forgive my typing, my hands are very shaky which makes it slow and hard work typing.

Revision

At the moment of birth
you move into focus - Personally I think the wording of the opening could be improved by using Born instead of birth; the way it is now sounds a bit blunt and clunky... I was thinking 'as soon as you're born...', but if i remember correctly that is the opening to Working Class Hero

my eyes burn
at deformities
and jaundice
the way you gulp for air. - Jaundice could be used as a verb (i suppose), but not here; it is simply incomprehensible and leaves the reader trying to rearrange the stanza in a desperate attempt to make some kind of sense of it; and, as it doesn't make any sense as a verb, the astute reader will conclude 'it's missing a comma'.

The cord is broken
blood sponged up
and wedding robes
are coarsely cut.

Some flannel wipes
the spittle from your chin. -I am undecided about this. On the one hand I like the doubling up of the phrase 'some flannel', but it comes at a price, namely, it just doesn't sound very good. In fact, now I think about it, I would actually remove the some and just have 'flannel' because flannel is flannel it retains the duality of meaning; actuaaly enhances it.

Every orifice is plugged. - This is a great line, and that is about all I have to say about that.
You lack a soul
and afterthoughts
just rot inside your skin. - All of this is great! just one thing that if it were mine, I don't like the word choice 'lack'. I would simplify and just: you have no soul. Regardless, this is for me a poem on its own. It's one of those times when I read something I wish I had written. I am envious, damn it's good.

Sprinkle scent
spread the shroud
count the mourners
bearing flowers.

You sink beneath
the weight of others
give or take
an occasional bump. - why bump? are you trying to avoid 'knock'? if so, I think it is unnecessary.

I’m already pregnant
once again.

I like the poem and the middle section is near perfect. 'and after thoughts just rot inside your skin'... just great! thanks.