Just One More Pack

[TheWall0912]

I thought that you liked it
when we kissed,
even though I smoke.

The taste of nicotine
on my tongue
sticks in your mouth too.

My teeth are covered, thick
with the tar,
never clean enough.

You never did like it.
Now I'm alone
with my cigarettes.

[rowens]

I thought that you liked it
when we kissed,
even though I smoke.

You ever read anything similar before?


The taste of nicotine
on my tongue
sticks in your mouth too.

My teeth are covered, thick
with the tar,
never clean enough.

The tar doesn't really have to be specified with a 'the'.


You never did like it.
Now I'm alone
with my cigarettes.


You can decide about the "did".

It's short and clear. Without the "enough", the "did" has its own crude charm, which I'm into these days.

[ray]

Perhaps the final verse should say something like
Now you've packed me in
and I'm alone
with my cigarettes.

As it is, it seems rather a flat finish.

[billy]

Hi kate
i think if you write a poem with brevity, it should be as brief as possible.
it paints a very scary picture of the narrator thick tar covered teeth .
you could cut more than i showed, but to do so may take the humanity and sorrow out of the poem. i'm surprised you didn't use some question marks for emphasis.

I thought that you liked it
when we kissed,
even though I smoke.

The taste of nicotine
on my tongue
sticks in your mouth too.

My teeth are covered, thick
with the tar,
never clean enough.

You never did like it.
Now I'm alone
with my cigarettes.

[newsclippings]

I find that cigarettes are only interesting in film and Instagram.

Or in fleeting moments that you catch yourself in. Like this morning I was sitting on my bed in my underwear smoking and dancing around to Taylor Swift...
or maybe that's just comedic.

Flub flub.

Sorry I couldn't offer more critique. I just haven't found a poem about nicotine and love that I've liked in a while -- so, moo.