Pulling Roots

[Vistaldust]

"Pulling Roots"

I plowed and played in my home by the oaks;
how loved I was by the town and its folks.
I rooted my feet in the clay that made me,
and laid in the grass with leaves to shade me.

Tall I grew, like the dreams I nourished;
soon made plans which helped them to flourish.
Watching planes painting tails in the blue-lit sky,
soon I was waving my oaks goodbye.

I traveled the world, made my name known,
though my seeds were watered with care at home.
Fame came fast, like a summer storm,
but the me inside said "goodbye" with scorn.

Years passed by like a lonely moon;
I sat with fortune in a darkened room.
Cars and crowds made pavement sounds;
no trees for the dying in a brick-laid town.

Now I am old and the world has forgot
the splash I made when the flame was hot.
The oaks have fallen to the corporate axe.
You can never go home once you've turned your back.

[milo]

"Pulling Roots"

I plowed and played in my home by the oaks;
how loved I was by the town and its folks.
I rooted my feet in the clay that made me,
and laid in the grass with leaves to shade me.

Tall I grew, like the dreams I nourished;
soon made plans which helped them to flourish.
Watching planes painting tails in the blue-lit sky,
soon I was waving my oaks goodbye.

I traveled the world, made my name known,
though my seeds were watered with care at home.
Fame came fast, like a summer storm,
but the me inside said "goodbye" with scorn.

Years passed by like a lonely moon;
I sat with fortune in a darkened room.
Cars and crowds made pavement sounds;
no trees for the dying in a brick-laid town.

Now I am old and the world has forgot
the splash I made when the flame was hot.
The oaks have fallen to the corporate axe.
You can never go home once you've turned your back.

First, I would suggest eliminating all of the inversions - these are statements where you have placed the words backwards for some reason. Examples are :

"how loved I was"
"Tall I grew"

next, try not to confuse lie with lay

end rhymes should be consistent or not at all. me-me isn't rhyme it is something we call identity.

try to avoid abstraction as much as you can. Especially avoid having your narrator interact with abstraction, fill buckets with your abstraction, etc.

see if there isn't some concrete way for your narrator to refer to their dreams without using the word "dreams"


prepositional phrases used as modifiers read awkwardly in poetry. an example is said "goodbye" with scorn.

Thanks for posting. There are things we could do with the meter, as well, but I would say focus on these things first.

[Vistaldust]

"Pulling Roots"

I plowed and played in my home by the oaks;
how loved I was by the town and its folks.
I rooted my feet in the clay that made me,
and laid in the grass with leaves to shade me.

Tall I grew, like the dreams I nourished;
soon made plans which helped them to flourish.
Watching planes painting tails in the blue-lit sky,
soon I was waving my oaks goodbye.

I traveled the world, made my name known,
though my seeds were watered with care at home.
Fame came fast, like a summer storm,
but the me inside said "goodbye" with scorn.

Years passed by like a lonely moon;
I sat with fortune in a darkened room.
Cars and crowds made pavement sounds;
no trees for the dying in a brick-laid town.

Now I am old and the world has forgot
the splash I made when the flame was hot.
The oaks have fallen to the corporate axe.
You can never go home once you've turned your back.

First, I would suggest eliminating all of the inversions - these are statements where you have placed the words backwards for some reason. Examples are :

"how loved I was"
"Tall I grew"

next, try not to confuse lie with lay

end rhymes should be consistent or not at all. me-me isn't rhyme it is something we call identity.

try to avoid abstraction as much as you can. Especially avoid having your narrator interact with abstraction, fill buckets with your abstraction, etc.

see if there isn't some concrete way for your narrator to refer to their dreams without using the word "dreams"


prepositional phrases used as modifiers read awkwardly in poetry. an example is said "goodbye" with scorn.

Thanks for posting. There are things we could do with the meter, as well, but I would say focus on these things first.

Thanks, milo. You know your stuff. I'll see what I can do to rework it but keep the storyline unchanged.

[billy]

hi vistal
some of the end rhymes aren't there.
and in general the poem feels very weak. the lines feel very primitive (in a bad way) i think it needs a heck of a lot of work, you need some strong images. you need to tell less and show more than what you're doing. read a few of the pds in my sig.

"Pulling Roots"

I plowed and played in my home by the oaks;
how loved I was by the town and its folks.
I rooted my feet in the clay that made me,
and laid in the grass with leaves to shade me. feels like a pretty week stanza that's mainly tell and not show. some excessive verbiage

Tall I grew, like the dreams I nourished;
soon made plans which helped them to flourish., be on the look out for baggage, [to] in this line and more in others.
Watching planes painting tails in the blue-lit sky,
soon I was waving my oaks goodbye.

I traveled the world, made my name known,
though my seeds were watered with care at home.
Fame came fast, like a summer storm,
but the me inside said "goodbye" with scorn. again the verse is very weak.

Years passed by like a lonely moon;
I sat with fortune in a darkened room.
Cars and crowds made pavement sounds;
no trees for the dying in a brick-laid town.

Now I am old and the world has forgot
the splash I made when the flame was hot.
The oaks have fallen to the corporate axe.
You can never go home once you've turned your back.

[Vistaldust]

hi vistal
some of the end rhymes aren't there.
and in general the poem feels very weak. the lines feel very primitive (in a bad way) i think it needs a heck of a lot of work, you need some strong images. you need to tell less and show more than what you're doing. read a few of the pds in my sig.

"Pulling Roots"

I plowed and played in my home by the oaks;
how loved I was by the town and its folks.
I rooted my feet in the clay that made me,
and laid in the grass with leaves to shade me. feels like a pretty week stanza that's mainly tell and not show. some excessive verbiage

Tall I grew, like the dreams I nourished;
soon made plans which helped them to flourish., be on the look out for baggage, [to] in this line and more in others.
Watching planes painting tails in the blue-lit sky,
soon I was waving my oaks goodbye.

I traveled the world, made my name known,
though my seeds were watered with care at home.
Fame came fast, like a summer storm,
but the me inside said "goodbye" with scorn. again the verse is very weak.

Years passed by like a lonely moon;
I sat with fortune in a darkened room.
Cars and crowds made pavement sounds;
no trees for the dying in a brick-laid town.

Now I am old and the world has forgot
the splash I made when the flame was hot.
The oaks have fallen to the corporate axe.
You can never go home once you've turned your back.

Thanks, billy.....great sites you've referred me to!