A poison

[DeviousKid45]

Plunging deeper for a reason, reaching for the Void,
For the Void has claimed a deeper power through a poison,
Poison that was bought upon a fancy, and I call upon the Name--
Save her from the merciless Void,

Reaching to my friend as the poison called her name,
Poison that was killing, leaving nothing but a shell,
Called upon the Name, as I called upon her name,
Nothing from the Name, no mercy from the Void,

Claimed upon my heart, she had--her poison claiming her--
Claiming treasured friends, this poison had,
Slowly killing, taking my treasured friend,
Now I weep for the mercy call,

All my dreams are now asunder, all my hopes have been dashed,
Dashed against the stones, of which these broken bones,
Laid upon a heap of weeping souls,
Weeping for the mercy cold.

[R.C. KITCHENS]

Plunging deeper for a reason, reaching for the Void,

I would suggest a line about the "reason"
just an example- "plunging deeper into the void because of scotch"
"plunging deep into the void because etc.."

For the Void has claimed a deeper power through a poison,

I don't know if "for" is a good starting point and you use "deeper" twice in the first two lines. Maybe a substitute?

Poison that was bought upon a fancy, and I call upon the Name--
Save her from the merciless Void,

I dont understand "poison bought upon a fancy" the void is probably
a giver of free poison, that is what I take, but its bough upon a fancy?
I'd suggest using a name "I call upon a name" "I call upon Sarah" or another name.. it just add's a little detail.

Reaching to my friend as the poison called her name,
Poison that was killing, leaving nothing but a shell,
Called upon the Name, as I called upon her name,
Nothing from the Name, no mercy from the Void,

This stanza above is hard to understand, the "I calling on the name the void calling on the name, nothing from the name. Believe a good metaphor could be used to show how "no mercy from the void" really is.

Claimed upon my heart, she had--her poison claiming her--
This is where I see " the bought fancy" "her poison claiming her"
I don't think "her poison claiming her" reads very well. Maybe a rework on the line.

Claiming treasured friends, this poison had,

the main focus is on a girl, now it is on multiple friends. next line proceeding it is back to the one friend. I would stick to "friend"

Slowly killing, taking my treasured friend,
Now I weep for the mercy call,

All my dreams are now asunder, all my hopes have been dashed,
Dashed against the stones, of which these broken bones,

Dashed is the wrong word to use. and "dashed against the stones, of which these broken bones," makes no sense. "The stones thrashed against broken bones" would sound more correct.
Laid upon a heap of weeping souls,
Weeping for the mercy cold.

The transition from a friend being poisoned to your own turmoil in the last stanza doesn't go well. I think you could spend some time with this and try to work in some better word choices and metaphors, imagery. I think a little focus on the story could provide for better story telling. Just my opinion, It does need some work.

[soonforgotten?]

"Bottled elixir", "Poison",... starting to think this forum is sponsored by AA. Anyway... your idea has potential.

Plunging deeper for a reason, reaching for the Void,
For the Void has claimed a deeper completely agree with Mr. Kitchens power through a poison,
Poison that was bought upon a fancy, and I call upon the Name--
Save her from the merciless Void,

Reaching to my friend as the poison called her name,
Poison that was killing, leaving nothing but a shell,
Called upon the Name, as I called upon her name,
Nothing from the Name, no mercy from the Void,

Claimed upon my heart, she had--her poison claiming her--
Claiming treasured friends, this poison had,
Slowly killing, taking my treasured friend,
Now I weep for the mercy call,

All my dreams are now asunder, all my hopes have been dashed,
Dashed against the stones, of which these broken bones completely agree with Mr. Kitchens, the phrase makes no sense and you should never let this happen to you, leave a phrase half done like this,
Laid upon a heap of weeping souls,
Weeping for the mercy cold.

I don't necessarily agree with the previous comment when it comes to switching focus from your friend to yourself. You wrote "Claimed upon my heart, she had--her poison claiming her--" and that lets me think that you love this person, and thus her degenerating will also affect you. Feel free though, to expand this idea more, making it even clearer.

In the last stanza, for instance, you could write "our" instead of "my", suggesting you had a special relationship to this person; however, your common dreams for the future have now been trashed against the stones...

I salute you for writing about a serious topic and making a point. Thank you for the read!

[milo]

Plunging deeper for a reason, reaching for the Void,

the `Void` has all the faux poetic ominousness of http://marvel.wikia.com/The_Void. If this was a poem about a toilet and 'the void' was a brand of drain cleaner, this would be a great opening!!

For the Void has claimed a deeper power through a poison,
Poison that was bought upon a fancy, and I call upon the Name--
Save her from the merciless Void,

fancy, void, Name, deeper power - these are all abstractions. They kill poems. Use concrete, specific images for powerful poetry.


Reaching to my friend as the poison called her name,
Poison that was killing, leaving nothing but a shell,
Called upon the Name, as I called upon her name,
Nothing from the Name, no mercy from the Void,

this whole stanza is disposable. Your friend and the poison calling each others' names. Is your friend a turtle? Why is this poison calling her name leaving her a shell?

Claimed upon my heart, she had--her poison claiming her--
Claiming treasured friends, this poison had,
Slowly killing, taking my treasured friend,
Now I weep for the mercy call,


not claimed /upon/ my heart, that means nothing in the English language. Whatever this poison is, stop calling it the poison. It is tired and redundant. Readers want specific details using fresh original language, metaphors and similes, not this tired 'poison'. The melodrama of the last line is so awful it belongs in a Taylor Swift song or something.

All my dreams are now asunder, all my hopes have been dashed,
Dashed against the stones, of which these broken bones,
Laid upon a heap of weeping souls,
Weeping for the mercy cold.

Hopes, Dreams, mercy souls - these are the cliche abstractions that kill poems. This hopes and dreams crap belongs in novice, not in serious critique.

I suggest you read some modern poetry. This is, quite frankly, awful. Every phrase is tired, old, boring. You need to find a new, creative way to say what you actually want to say with fresh new imagery and symbolism.

I am sorry I couldn't be more positive, i am sure you are a great person.

HTH
Thanks for posting.

milo

[DeviousKid45]

Plunging deeper for a reason, reaching for the Void,

the `Void` has all the faux poetic ominousness of http://marvel.wikia.com/The_Void. If this was a poem about a toilet and 'the void' was a brand of drain cleaner, this would be a great opening!!

For the Void has claimed a deeper power through a poison,
Poison that was bought upon a fancy, and I call upon the Name--
Save her from the merciless Void,

fancy, void, Name, deeper power - these are all abstractions. They kill poems. Use concrete, specific images for powerful poetry.


Reaching to my friend as the poison called her name,
Poison that was killing, leaving nothing but a shell,
Called upon the Name, as I called upon her name,
Nothing from the Name, no mercy from the Void,

this whole stanza is disposable. Your friend and the poison calling each others' names. Is your friend a turtle? Why is this poison calling her name leaving her a shell?

Claimed upon my heart, she had--her poison claiming her--
Claiming treasured friends, this poison had,
Slowly killing, taking my treasured friend,
Now I weep for the mercy call,


not claimed /upon/ my heart, that means nothing in the English language. Whatever this poison is, stop calling it the poison. It is tired and redundant. Readers want specific details using fresh original language, metaphors and similes, not this tired 'poison'. The melodrama of the last line is so awful it belongs in a Taylor Swift song or something.

All my dreams are now asunder, all my hopes have been dashed,
Dashed against the stones, of which these broken bones,
Laid upon a heap of weeping souls,
Weeping for the mercy cold.

Hopes, Dreams, mercy souls - these are the cliche abstractions that kill poems. This hopes and dreams crap belongs in novice, not in serious critique.

I suggest you read some modern poetry. This is, quite frankly, awful. Every phrase is tired, old, boring. You need to find a new, creative way to say what you actually want to say with fresh new imagery and symbolism.

I am sorry I couldn't be more positive, i am sure you are a great person.

HTH
Thanks for posting.

milo

A few explanations could help, I suppose.

-The "Void" is more of a symbol of dark place.
-The "Name" (capital N) is actually an allusion to God.

I will work on the imagery of this piece though.

---

"Bottled elixir", "Poison",... starting to think this forum is sponsored by AA. Anyway... your idea has potential.

Plunging deeper for a reason, reaching for the Void,
For the Void has claimed a deeper completely agree with Mr. Kitchens power through a poison,
Poison that was bought upon a fancy, and I call upon the Name--
Save her from the merciless Void,

Reaching to my friend as the poison called her name,
Poison that was killing, leaving nothing but a shell,
Called upon the Name, as I called upon her name,
Nothing from the Name, no mercy from the Void,

Claimed upon my heart, she had--her poison claiming her--
Claiming treasured friends, this poison had,
Slowly killing, taking my treasured friend,
Now I weep for the mercy call,

All my dreams are now asunder, all my hopes have been dashed,
Dashed against the stones, of which these broken bones completely agree with Mr. Kitchens, the phrase makes no sense and you should never let this happen to you, leave a phrase half done like this,
Laid upon a heap of weeping souls,
Weeping for the mercy cold.

I don't necessarily agree with the previous comment when it comes to switching focus from your friend to yourself. You wrote "Claimed upon my heart, she had--her poison claiming her--" and that lets me think that you love this person, and thus her degenerating will also affect you. Feel free though, to expand this idea more, making it even clearer.

In the last stanza, for instance, you could write "our" instead of "my", suggesting you had a special relationship to this person; however, your common dreams for the future have now been trashed against the stones...

I salute you for writing about a serious topic and making a point. Thank you for the read!

Thanks for the suggestions. The "our" replacing "my" is a good one. As for your thought about how I love this person, you were right. This is closer to the heart.

I will make the idea clear.

[milo]

Plunging deeper for a reason, reaching for the Void,

the `Void` has all the faux poetic ominousness of http://marvel.wikia.com/The_Void. If this was a poem about a toilet and 'the void' was a brand of drain cleaner, this would be a great opening!!

For the Void has claimed a deeper power through a poison,
Poison that was bought upon a fancy, and I call upon the Name--
Save her from the merciless Void,

fancy, void, Name, deeper power - these are all abstractions. They kill poems. Use concrete, specific images for powerful poetry.


Reaching to my friend as the poison called her name,
Poison that was killing, leaving nothing but a shell,
Called upon the Name, as I called upon her name,
Nothing from the Name, no mercy from the Void,

this whole stanza is disposable. Your friend and the poison calling each others' names. Is your friend a turtle? Why is this poison calling her name leaving her a shell?

Claimed upon my heart, she had--her poison claiming her--
Claiming treasured friends, this poison had,
Slowly killing, taking my treasured friend,
Now I weep for the mercy call,


not claimed /upon/ my heart, that means nothing in the English language. Whatever this poison is, stop calling it the poison. It is tired and redundant. Readers want specific details using fresh original language, metaphors and similes, not this tired 'poison'. The melodrama of the last line is so awful it belongs in a Taylor Swift song or something.

All my dreams are now asunder, all my hopes have been dashed,
Dashed against the stones, of which these broken bones,
Laid upon a heap of weeping souls,
Weeping for the mercy cold.

Hopes, Dreams, mercy souls - these are the cliche abstractions that kill poems. This hopes and dreams crap belongs in novice, not in serious critique.

I suggest you read some modern poetry. This is, quite frankly, awful. Every phrase is tired, old, boring. You need to find a new, creative way to say what you actually want to say with fresh new imagery and symbolism.

I am sorry I couldn't be more positive, i am sure you are a great person.

HTH
Thanks for posting.

milo

A few explanations could help, I suppose.

-The "Void" is more of a symbol of dark place.
-The "Name" (capital N) is actually an allusion to God.

I will work on the imagery of this piece though.

---

These facts may exist in your head, but NOT in the poem. If you are writing for yourself, that is fine, but if you are writing for others, you need to include that in the poem. If you want to refer to some god, why not use the actual god?

[DeviousKid45]

Plunging deeper for a reason, reaching for the Void,

the `Void` has all the faux poetic ominousness of http://marvel.wikia.com/The_Void. If this was a poem about a toilet and 'the void' was a brand of drain cleaner, this would be a great opening!!

For the Void has claimed a deeper power through a poison,
Poison that was bought upon a fancy, and I call upon the Name--
Save her from the merciless Void,

fancy, void, Name, deeper power - these are all abstractions. They kill poems. Use concrete, specific images for powerful poetry.


Reaching to my friend as the poison called her name,
Poison that was killing, leaving nothing but a shell,
Called upon the Name, as I called upon her name,
Nothing from the Name, no mercy from the Void,

this whole stanza is disposable. Your friend and the poison calling each others' names. Is your friend a turtle? Why is this poison calling her name leaving her a shell?

Claimed upon my heart, she had--her poison claiming her--
Claiming treasured friends, this poison had,
Slowly killing, taking my treasured friend,
Now I weep for the mercy call,


not claimed /upon/ my heart, that means nothing in the English language. Whatever this poison is, stop calling it the poison. It is tired and redundant. Readers want specific details using fresh original language, metaphors and similes, not this tired 'poison'. The melodrama of the last line is so awful it belongs in a Taylor Swift song or something.

All my dreams are now asunder, all my hopes have been dashed,
Dashed against the stones, of which these broken bones,
Laid upon a heap of weeping souls,
Weeping for the mercy cold.

Hopes, Dreams, mercy souls - these are the cliche abstractions that kill poems. This hopes and dreams crap belongs in novice, not in serious critique.

I suggest you read some modern poetry. This is, quite frankly, awful. Every phrase is tired, old, boring. You need to find a new, creative way to say what you actually want to say with fresh new imagery and symbolism.

I am sorry I couldn't be more positive, i am sure you are a great person.

HTH
Thanks for posting.

milo

A few explanations could help, I suppose.

-The "Void" is more of a symbol of dark place.
-The "Name" (capital N) is actually an allusion to God.

I will work on the imagery of this piece though.

---

These facts may exist in your head, but NOT in the poem. If you are writing for yourself, that is fine, but if you are writing for others, you need to include that in the poem. If you want to refer to some god, why not use the actual god?

Sure, I'll work on it.

[heslopian]

I've been watching a lot of violent sci-fi films lately, so at first I pictured this narrative as a battle between starship troopers and poisonous aliens But it seems like it's a metaphor for depression, and if that's so then it's subtle and very evocative. I do have suggestions, though:

Plunging deeper for a reason, reaching for the Void,
For the Void has claimed a deeper power through a poison,
Poison that was bought upon a fancy, and I call upon the Name-- Whose name? The Void's? As "Void" is capitalised, I figured that that was it's name.
Save her from the merciless Void, This verse is overhwelming, partly because of the odd syntax. "Claimed a deeper power through a poison" feels inelegantly worded, for instance. Would something like "for the Void has used poison to accelerate its power" be clearer? The adjective "deeper" suggests a previous power that you haven't described, which may be why the line feels inelegant to me.
"Bought upon a fancy" feels like a tortured way of saying "bought on a whim"; though the latter may be a cliche, I'd go with it instead, as it's much more efficient.

Reaching to my friend as the poison called her name,
Poison that was killing, leaving nothing but a shell,
Called upon the Name, as I called upon her name,
Nothing from the Name, no mercy from the Void, Again, whose name? God's? It clearly isn't the girl's, because "name" isn't capitalised when used in connection with her.

Claimed upon my heart, she had--her poison claiming her-- Who or what had claimed upon the narrator's heart?
Claiming treasured friends, this poison had,
Slowly killing, taking my treasured friend,
Now I weep for the mercy call,

All my dreams are now asunder, all my hopes have been dashed, I like the use of "asunder" in this line.
Dashed against the stones, of which these broken bones, "Of which" suggests a new thought which is never resolved. "Of which" what?
Laid upon a heap of weeping souls, Nice, macabre image.
Weeping for the mercy cold. What does "mercy cold" mean?

The poem could do with more images and narrative clarity: what is happening, when, where, and why? The central metaphor is good, it just needs to be made clearer, and strenghtened with poetic grounding (imagery, metaphors, similes etc.). All critique is JMHO. Thank you for the read