Through the field

[R.C. KITCHENS]

Edit 1

There was a negro who stole a chicken
He had a trial and was found guilty
"let me be freed" he said as he was
taken out of the courthouse.
I remember it well,
The crowd of folk circling him while he put his hands up to
shield his face from spit and stones.

He was made to walk about a mile and a half
while all the town's citizens followed behind him

it was

through the field,
past the briers and blackberry bushes,
down where the pines overtake the landscape,
by a pond where the stench of still water lingers in
the breeze.

where

a wooden structure stands about eleven feet high.
three eight by twelve feet railroad tie's make the
device.

The thick hemp rope directly in the center of the
beam above head, lap'd over a few times and tied
off, the noose hanging.

There

was a old beaten stool made of oak, propped
against the side of one tie.

Negro made it to the red dirt just under the structure

The sun was blazing downward on the field,
men and women start heckling the thief
some dance around the structure, hollering.

The sound of madness is echoing through the pines,
Negro man stands on the stool with the rope around
his neck as several men go to kick it out from under him.

through the field,
past the briers and blackberry bushes,
down where the pines overtake the landscape,
by a pond where the stench of still water lingers in
the breeze.





original

through the field, past the briers and blackberry bushes
down where the pines overtook the landscape,
by a pond where the stench of still water lingered in
the breeze,

a wooden structure stood about eleven feet high.
three eight by twelve foot railroad tie's made the
device, two ties about twelve feet apart and one
resting on top of them,

The thick hemp rope directly in the center of the
beam above head, lap'd over a few times and tied
off, the noose hanging two foot downward

There was a old beaten stool made of oak propped
against the side of one tie,

The sun was blazing in the distance as the voices
grew louder with there heckling,

Some men were so enthusiastic, they danced around
the structure, hollering. The hollering was as a language
of its own, echoing through the pines and terrain

The man caught, he was a negro who stole a chicken.
Earlier that day He had a trial and was found guilty,
he had plead to those few around the courthouse
"let me be freed" he said as he was being taken out
as men began to shout, circling him while he waved
his shackled hands upward in prayer

The breeze brought about the stagnant water
as they had him stand on the stool
they placed the rope around his shivering body
he screamed out "I don't want to die."

It took about thirty minutes to bring that negro down
to this wasteland and as they kicked the stool out
from his feet, twenty minutes to hang him dead

[PoetryAndPhysics]

Hello R.C. Kitchen. I liked your initial impulse not to capitalize, and the idea of being overly descriptive as a distraction from the poem's subject matter. Does have some potential if you choose to keep going with it.

through the field, past the briers and blackberry bushes
down where the pines overtook the landscape,
by a pond where the stench of still water lingered in
the breeze, Maybe add something like “in the ominous breeze” to do some foreshadowing...

a wooden structure stood about eleven feet high.
three eight by twelve foot railroad tie's made the
device, two ties about twelve feet apart and one
resting on top of them,

The thick hemp rope directly in the center of the why start capitalizing now? I'd leave them out alltogether.
beam above head, lap'd over a few times and tied
off, the noose hanging two foot downward

There was a old beaten stool made of oak propped
against the side of one tie,

The sun was blazing in the distance as the voices
grew louder with there heckling, maybe shorter and one stand alone line for emphasis? Something like

the sun blazed in the distance as voices grew angry with heckling.

Some men were so enthusiastic, they danced around
the structure, hollering. The hollering was as a language
of its own, echoing through the pines and terrain The stanza comes off as porsy to me...

The man caught, he was a negro who stole a chicken. Don't need to say he was caught, maybe just “The thief was a negro who stole chicken.”
Earlier that day He had a trial and was found guilty,
he had plead to those few around the courthouse
"let me be freed" he said as he was being taken out
as men began to shout, circling him while he waved
his shackled hands upward in prayer If there were "few" around the courthouse, how could a posy of men suddenly start circling?

The breeze brought about the stagnant water
as they had him stand on the stool
they placed the rope around his shivering body
he screamed out "I don't want to die."

It took about thirty minutes to bring that negro down
to this wasteland and as they kicked the stool out
from his feet, twenty minutes to hang him dead

[Darkblue]

through the field, past the briers and blackberry bushes
down where the pines overtook the landscape,
by a pond where the stench of still water lingered in
the breeze, This doesn't need to stand alone. Consider attaching this line to the last one. The first couple stanzas feel bogged down by description without ever getting to the point. It loses momentum for me fairly quickly.

a wooden structure stood about eleven feet high.
three eight by twelve foot railroad tie's made the
device, two ties about twelve feet apart and one You used "tie" in the previous line.
resting on top of them,

The thick hemp rope directly in the center of the
beam above head, lap'd over a few times and tied
off, the noose hanging two foot downward Two feet?

There was a old beaten stool made of oak propped
against the side of one tie, The imagery so far isn't drawing me in. I already know what a noose looks like. The description is somewhat typical.

The sun was blazing in the distance as the voices
grew louder with there heckling, "There" should be "their."

Some men were so enthusiastic, they danced around
the structure, hollering. The hollering was as a language Omit "as" and considering reworking some of these lines to cut back on unnecessary words. Just an example, but "Men so enthusiastic, they danced and hollered" flows a bit better.
of its own, echoing through the pines and terrain What does this "language" sound like? Let us hear it.

The man caught, he was a negro who stole a chicken.
Earlier that day He had a trial and was found guilty, Why is "he" capitalized?
he had plead to those few around the courthouse
"let me be freed" he said as he was being taken out
as men began to shout, circling him while he waved
his shackled hands upward in prayer I like the internal sound of these couple lines (out/shout, taken/waved), but "prayer" falls short.

The breeze brought about the stagnant water "Brought about" the water? What does that mean?
as they had him stand on the stool
they placed the rope around his shivering body
he screamed out "I don't want to die."

It took about thirty minutes to bring that negro down
to this wasteland and as they kicked the stool out
from his feet, twenty minutes to hang him dead

The title doesn't really work for me. It does all the work of setting the mood for the poem without giving the first couple stanzas a chance to do so. I already know that I'm reading a poem about a hanging and that eliminates the element of surprise that the language should provide. What new or startling thing are you bringing to the table about public lynching that the history books don't teach? This could be a really interesting poem if you condense it a bit and let the imagery tell the story.

[KSD]

Not really experienced with commenting, but I really liked how descriptive it was and how it laid everything out for visualization. What I noticed though was that most of the details are very specific, however you use the word "about" twice when describing the wooden structure. Maybe just state the length/distance? My two cents but other then that I really enjoyed reading that.

[milo]

through the field, past the briers and blackberry bushes
down where the pines overtook the landscape,
by a pond where the stench of still water lingered in
the breeze,

a wooden structure stood about eleven feet high.
three eight by twelve foot railroad tie's made the
device, two ties about twelve feet apart and one
resting on top of them,

The thick hemp rope directly in the center of the
beam above head, lap'd over a few times and tied
off, the noose hanging two foot downward

There was a old beaten stool made of oak propped
against the side of one tie,

The sun was blazing in the distance as the voices
grew louder with there heckling,

Some men were so enthusiastic, they danced around
the structure, hollering. The hollering was as a language
of its own, echoing through the pines and terrain

The man caught, he was a negro who stole a chicken.
Earlier that day He had a trial and was found guilty,
he had plead to those few around the courthouse
"let me be freed" he said as he was being taken out
as men began to shout, circling him while he waved
his shackled hands upward in prayer

The breeze brought about the stagnant water
as they had him stand on the stool
they placed the rope around his shivering body
he screamed out "I don't want to die."

It took about thirty minutes to bring that negro down
to this wasteland and as they kicked the stool out
from his feet, twenty minutes to hang him dead

I would be interested in seeing this in the present tense as I feel that would be stronger.

There are some things you can do mechanically that would strengthen it as well, but I would rather not focus on them until I see if you are interested in present tense.

I do think you have had some luck in remembering that details should point at your central metaphor - "blackberry bushes is fine" but you seem to dawdle in and out of the knowledge.

[GrhmJngL]

I really like the how you utilise the detached tone to allow the horror felt to be that of the reader, not the writer.

I nearly feel as if if this sense would be even stronger were the description even more pedantic and specific. On the hand, though, there's also the danger that doing that could push the poem further into "cut up prose" territory which it kind of strays into already in parts.

Not too sure on the title. It doesn't really fit the tone of the narrator, and nor does it really sound like a quote from one of lynchers. I feel a title more in one of those directions would be better fitting.

through the field, past the briers and blackberry bushes
down where the pines overtook the landscape,
by a pond where the stench of still water lingered in
the breeze,

a wooden structure stood about eleven feet high.
three eight by twelve foot railroad tie's made the
device, two ties about twelve feet apart and one
resting on top of them,

The thick hemp rope directly in the center of the
beam above head, lap'd over a few times and tied
off, the noose hanging two foot downward

There was a old beaten stool made of oak propped
against the side of one tie,

The sun was blazing in the distance [Is this not a bit arbitrary? When is the sun not in the distance?] as the voices
grew louder with there heckling,

Some men were so enthusiastic, they danced around
the structure, hollering. The hollering was as a language
of its own, echoing through the pines and terrain

The man caught, he was a negro who stole a chicken.
Earlier that day He had a trial and was found guilty,
he had plead to those few around the courthouse
"let me be freed" he said as he was being taken out
as men began to shout, circling him while he waved
his shackled hands upward in prayer

The breeze brought about the stagnant water
as they had him stand on the stool
they placed the rope around his shivering body
he screamed out "I don't want to die."

It took about thirty minutes to bring that negro down
to this wasteland and as they kicked the stool out
from his feet, twenty minutes to hang him dead
Maybe it's just me, but I'm not really feeling this last stanza. I just feel as if it's not quite as stark and ending as it was intended to be. The body of this poem is really good, so I think it demands a more fitting ending.

[TheWall0912]

This is a very good start to what has the potential to be a great poem! I agree that the title kind of gives away the theme before we even start to read, so I would reconsider that. I like the strong imagery you have, especially the first 3 stanzas. I agree that some parts are a little wordy but thats just a minor thing in my opinion. Nothing else to edit, other than what people have already done. Good start!

[jdguyb]

I think the punctuation needs work. The lack there of made it hard to read. The first stanza doesn't flow well into the second stanza. But the rest is nice. It has great imagery

[R.C. KITCHENS]

Thank you to each of you for the feedback. I'm busy moving and fixing a few cars my brother and sister bought so really have not got back to this one. I made some slashes to the original and went into the poem differently, dont think it works good enough in edit one, but just a switch up. taking each of you guy's advice and applying it to a third edit.

Milo, I tried to work in present tense and keep flip flopping between tense. Don't know yet how I'll fix it' planning a more in depth edit in a few weeks. the first edit might be worse than the original..

[TheWall0912]

The new name works for me

[Bunx]

Edit 1

There was a negro who stole a chicken
He had a trial and was found guilty controversal subject, i find that this type of wrinting can be very libral, since i assume it takes place pre 1800's grammar and writing itself is very subjective
"let me be freed" he said as he was
taken out of the courthouse.
I remember it well,
The crowd of folk circling him while he put his hands up to
shield his face from spit and stones.concrete imagery, very easy to picture

He was made to walk about a mile and a half
while all the town's citizens followed behind him

it was that lack of punctuation makes me take the spot of the narrator, which in turn helps the flow of this short story/poem

through the field,
past the briers and blackberry bushes,good repetition
down where the pines overtake the landscape,
by a pond where the stench of still water lingers in
the breeze.i think now would be a good time to insert some more imagery, perhaps about bloody water?

where

a wooden structure stands about eleven feet high.
three eight by twelve feet railroad tie's make the
device.

The thick hemp rope directly in the center of the
beam above head, lap'd over a few times and tied
off, the noose hanging.

There

was a old beaten stool made of oak, propped
against the side of one tie.

Negro made it to the red dirt just under the structurewhat kind of structure, i think grotto would work well

The sun was blazing downward on the field,
men and women start heckling the thief
some dance around the structure, hollering.

The sound of madness is echoing through the pines,
Negro man stands on the stool with the rope around
his neck as several men go to kick it out from under him.

through the field,
past the briers and blackberry bushes,
down where the pines overtake the landscape,
by a pond where the stench of still water lingers in
the breeze.awesome ending!





original

through the field, past the briers and blackberry bushes
down where the pines overtook the landscape,
by a pond where the stench of still water lingered in
the breeze,

a wooden structure stood about eleven feet high.
three eight by twelve foot railroad tie's made the
device, two ties about twelve feet apart and one
resting on top of them,

The thick hemp rope directly in the center of the
beam above head, lap'd over a few times and tied
off, the noose hanging two foot downward

There was a old beaten stool made of oak propped
against the side of one tie,

The sun was blazing in the distance as the voices
grew louder with there heckling,

Some men were so enthusiastic, they danced around
the structure, hollering. The hollering was as a language
of its own, echoing through the pines and terrain

The man caught, he was a negro who stole a chicken.
Earlier that day He had a trial and was found guilty,
he had plead to those few around the courthouse
"let me be freed" he said as he was being taken out
as men began to shout, circling him while he waved
his shackled hands upward in prayer

The breeze brought about the stagnant water
as they had him stand on the stool
they placed the rope around his shivering body
he screamed out "I don't want to die."

It took about thirty minutes to bring that negro down
to this wasteland and as they kicked the stool out
from his feet, twenty minutes to hang him dead

Love this poem. it feels more of pose with a short story format. It definitely caught my attention in painted a solid picture. If i were you i think i would paint a more detailed picture. use more concrete nouns like "grotto" or instead or "device" say "noose".
the poem is very black and white. make the blacks more definite.