Rain on Wash Day

[TheWall0912]

Clouds burst, heavy dose of liquid sunshine
and Mother Nature's sparkling wine.
Puddles flood the summer grass.
Our town, this storm did not surpass.

The yard diluted with heaven's tears,
nothing changing through the years.
The clothesline, melancholy, sodden,
rained upon and forgotten.

Out where all the angels cry,
not a place to hang and dry.
I'll do my wash another day,
when the sky isn't so gray.

[rowens]

It has some decent stuff in it. A couple lines feel like filler. Maybe you could work more on other aspects of the poem, add more of the decent stuff, then see if you can work on end rhymes, or go without them.

[jdguyb]

This is awesome! I love the rhyming. It actually makes sense and doesn't seem like you just needed an excuse to rhyme. You rhymed with meaning and that's awesome. I have nothing to say great poem. The imagery is awesome

[/color]This is not considered feedback. Please try to improve the work of the author by indicating why you liked the piece. "Awesome " is not helpful and is so overused that its meaning has diminished to insignificancy.

[Leanne]

Clouds burst, heavy dose of liquid sunshine
and Mother Nature's sparkling wine.
Puddles flood the summer grass.
Our town, this storm did not surpass. -- I don't think you mean "surpass" here -- do you mean "pass by"? Surpass means to outdo something, which doesn't make sense here. Also, inverted syntax (yoda speak) to force the rhyme to fit makes it obvious that the rhyme is driving the poem, not you.

The yard diluted with heaven's tears,
nothing changing through the years.
The clothesline, melancholy, sodden,
rained upon and forgotten.

Out where all the angels cry,
not a place to hang and dry.
I'll do my wash another day,
when the sky isn't so gray.

I think you have a very pretty idea here and could build some nice images, but you need to remember that you are the one who decides what rhymes to use, and if it doesn't fit, don't force it. Also, rhyming poetry does benefit immensely from a knowledge of meter to make sure the rhymes fall naturally. There are some threads in the practice forum that can help you with that.

Just to give you an example, compare:

The yard diluted with heaven's tears,
nothing changing through the years.
The clothesline, melancholy, sodden,
rained upon and forgotten.

with

Yard awash with heaven's tears,
nothing changing through the years.
Clothesline: melancholy, sodden,
rained upon and now forgotten.

(Though I still don't know what "nothing changing through the years" has to do with the rest of the poem!)

[sparklenatasha]

Hi, I'm new here! I find it hard to comment on others' poetry as I don't have much confidence, but I think I get the idea of what this forum is about so I'm going to give it my best shot...

Clouds burst, heavy dose of liquid sunshine
and Mother Nature's sparkling wine. (I like the start it gets my attention and I like the picture created in my head)
Puddles flood the summer grass.
Our town, this storm did not surpass.(Someone else has mentioned using the word surpass here doesn't work - I agree, maybe replacing with "blow past" would work)

The yard diluted with heaven's tears,
nothing changing through the years. (you are telling me the yard has been the same for years? - I 'm not sure about that? A yard is going to change over time?- seems an odd thing to tell me? am I totally missing the point, probably!)
The clothesline, melancholy, sodden,
rained upon and forgotten.

Out where all the angels cry,
not a place to hang and dry.
I'll do my wash another day,
when the sky isn't so gray. (I think the rhythm would be better if "isn't" was replaced with "is not")

Overall I liked it, I like the fact it is light(hearted?) and at the end you decide to do your washing another day.