Posts: 64
Threads: 12
Joined: Jun 2013
The critique was concise and specific
“The poet’s subject matter is limited, indeed.
He writes exclusively about mountains and battle
Love, honor and dignity.”
“Adventure, sacrifice, courage and tenacity
Are his oft recurring themes.
His poems lack imagination
He is a single-minded poet, it seems.”
The poet responded with a demonstration offer
To prove artistic versatility.
He suggested he write a poem about nothing
For the critic and others to read.
Nothing is the diametric opposite
Of courage or a mountain he maintained.
If he could write a poem about nothing
It would certainly dispel the critic’s claim.
So pen in hand he jotted down
Nothing is without substance or form.
Nothing is the opposite of something
It has no meaning, value, or warmth.
Nothing is empty. Nothing is black
A void without a vessel, so to speak.
Nothing exists in many places
It can’t be seen, only believed.
Nothing is the sum of any boxer’s talent
Who remains prone when knocked to the ground.
Nothing is the culmination of an adventurer’s experience
When uncertainty makes them back down.
Nothing is the value of a golfer’s game
When he can’t hit a shot from the rough.
Nothing is the total of meaningful gain
When one fails because one gave up.
Nothing is the content of a person’s contribution
When they cower from truth or task.
Nothing is the measure of the size of one’s heart
When one lacks the courage to ask.
“Where is the truth? What is its meaning?
What action is the right one to choose?”
And make that selection based on honorable values
Regardless of what one might lose.
Nothing is the outcome of circumventing the mountain
That lies on the path of one’s life.
Nothing is the benefit of avoiding the battle
Only because one lacks the tolerance for strife.
Nothing is the shell that represents a person
For the duration of the life they lead.
When they abandon values and disregard virtue
For an easier way to succeed.
________
When the obvious became evident, without any remorse
The poet put down his pen.
He reflected on his failure, which appeared quite dismal
Then to the critic this message he sent.
“Mountains and battle,
Honor and strife,
Are all very integral
Parts of life.
They can be avoided,
They can be ignored,
Dismissed, denied or rejected
Of course
But to do so, to turn one’s mind to less important ideas
Is something I don’t want to do
Life is to short to long ponder that which
Means little or nothing. Adieu.”
you know how to light up a headspace
firm in correctness
meditative in demeanor
constructs the doeconstruction in a beautiful way
thanks, i resonate with this poem
- sam fish
Posts: 64
Threads: 12
Joined: Jun 2013
(07-08-2013, 04:12 AM)samfish Wrote: you know how to light up a headspace
firm in correctness
meditative in demeanor
constructs the doeconstruction in a beautiful way
thanks, i resonate with this poem
- sam fish
Thank you very much Sam. I appreciate you taking the time to read my poem ... and I am super pleased you liked it. I am honored.
fim
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
07-26-2013, 08:01 AM
(This post was last modified: 07-26-2013, 09:02 AM by billy.)
the title gave the game away just enough to interest me in a read, so it's doing it job better than most do. the first line starts the poem off reasonably well, and like the title led us knowingly down the path.
one of the first things i noticed after the decent start was the rhyme and the lack of it. in places it did in places it didn't i'm pretty sure it wasn't done this way on purpose (in parody) if it was, then it wasn't done near well enough. and then the inline feedback takes over......
back here again, you could cut 3 fifths of the poem away and it would only do the poem good, even then you may have to cut another 1 and half of the last 2 fifths away in order something decent to edit.
thanks for the read.
(07-02-2013, 05:25 AM)fim Wrote: The critique was concise and specific
“The poet’s subject matter is limited, indeed.
He writes exclusively about mountains and battle writing about 5 things doesn't feel exclusive, just one would have sufficed to get your point across, preferably 'love'
Love, honor and dignity.” not sure the quotes do you any favours.
“Adventure, sacrifice, courage and tenacity again this does not seem to be about a limited poet
Are his oft recurring themes. i should love to read this poets work, which sort of goes against what you're trying to convey
His poems lack imagination not from what your poem is saying
He is a single-minded poet, it seems.” read my comment above this one. how can a poet who writes of all those things, be single minded except for having a need to write? this line weakens your intent.
The poet responded with a demonstration offer why have you used 'offer' it isn't needed
To prove artistic versatility.at this point i as the reader wants to leave the poem, it does nothing to keep me reading and everything to make me want to leave. the words in this line feel forced, weak and tell. use some imagery, a rant or parody of this sort should be overflowing in simile etc.
He suggested he write a poem about nothing
For the critic and others to read. these two lines feel like one of the kids in enid blightons 'just five' wrote it. the reader needs to be shown something of substance. what started out in the title and first line as a rant or a parody has turned into a whitewash of weakness, use some poetic devices.
Nothing is the diametric opposite
Of courage or a mountain he maintained.
If he could write a poem about nothing
It would certainly dispel the critic’s claim.this is all prose, you're telling us everything and without conviction.
So pen in hand he jotted down
Nothing is without substance or form.
Nothing is the opposite of something
It has no meaning, value, or warmth. this is the same stanza as the one above. it's exactly the same. why?
Nothing is empty. Nothing is black
A void without a vessel, so to speak.
Nothing exists in many places
It can’t be seen, only believed. and yet again, why are these three stanza in the poem? what purpose do they have?
Nothing is the sum of any boxer’s talent
Who remains prone when knocked to the ground.
Nothing is the culmination of an adventurer’s experience
When uncertainty makes them back down. i'm sorry but none of this or the stanza above it is poetry. this stanza in particular makes no sense what so ever.
Nothing is the value of a golfer’s game how often will this poem say 'nothing'
When he can’t hit a shot from the rough.
Nothing is the total of meaningful gain
When one fails because one gave up. at this point, i as the reader wants to scream STOP.... all these stanza are clones of the one before it...i get it. i see what you're saying already.
Nothing is the content of a person’s contribution from this point i really can't carry on, i'm sorry fim but this is a really bad poem, i'm not sure an edit could save it unless you start from scratch. (this is actually the first time i ever said those words 
When they cower from truth or task.
Nothing is the measure of the size of one’s heart
When one lacks the courage to ask.
“Where is the truth? What is its meaning?
What action is the right one to choose?”
And make that selection based on honorable values
Regardless of what one might lose.
Nothing is the outcome of circumventing the mountain
That lies on the path of one’s life.
Nothing is the benefit of avoiding the battle
Only because one lacks the tolerance for strife.
Nothing is the shell that represents a person
For the duration of the life they lead.
When they abandon values and disregard virtue
For an easier way to succeed.
________
When the obvious became evident, without any remorse
The poet put down his pen.
He reflected on his failure, which appeared quite dismal
Then to the critic this message he sent.
“Mountains and battle,
Honor and strife,
Are all very integral
Parts of life.
They can be avoided,
They can be ignored,
Dismissed, denied or rejected
Of course
But to do so, to turn one’s mind to less important ideas
Is something I don’t want to do
Life is to short to long ponder that which
Means little or nothing. Adieu.”
Posts: 64
Threads: 12
Joined: Jun 2013
(07-26-2013, 08:01 AM)billy Wrote: the title gave the game away just enough to interest me in a read, so it's doing it job better than most do. the first line starts the poem off reasonably well, and like the title led us knowingly down the path.
one of the first things i noticed after the decent start was the rhyme and the lack of it. in places it did in places it didn't i'm pretty sure it wasn't done this way on purpose (in parody) if it was, then it wasn't done near well enough. and then the inline feedback takes over......
back here again, you could cut 3 fifths of the poem away and it would only do the poem good, even then you may have to cut another 1 and half of the last 2 fifths away in order something decent to edit.
thanks for the read.
(07-02-2013, 05:25 AM)fim Wrote: The critique was concise and specific
“The poet’s subject matter is limited, indeed.
He writes exclusively about mountains and battle writing about 5 things doesn't feel exclusive, just one would have sufficed to get your point across, preferably 'love'
Love, honor and dignity.” not sure the quotes do you any favours.
“Adventure, sacrifice, courage and tenacity again this does not seem to be about a limited poet
Are his oft recurring themes. i should love to read this poets work, which sort of goes against what you're trying to convey
His poems lack imagination not from what your poem is saying
He is a single-minded poet, it seems.” read my comment above this one. how can a poet who writes of all those things, be single minded except for having a need to write? this line weakens your intent.
The poet responded with a demonstration offer why have you used 'offer' it isn't needed
To prove artistic versatility.at this point i as the reader wants to leave the poem, it does nothing to keep me reading and everything to make me want to leave. the words in this line feel forced, weak and tell. use some imagery, a rant or parody of this sort should be overflowing in simile etc.
He suggested he write a poem about nothing
For the critic and others to read. these two lines feel like one of the kids in enid blightons 'just five' wrote it. the reader needs to be shown something of substance. what started out in the title and first line as a rant or a parody has turned into a whitewash of weakness, use some poetic devices.
Nothing is the diametric opposite
Of courage or a mountain he maintained.
If he could write a poem about nothing
It would certainly dispel the critic’s claim.this is all prose, you're telling us everything and without conviction.
So pen in hand he jotted down
Nothing is without substance or form.
Nothing is the opposite of something
It has no meaning, value, or warmth. this is the same stanza as the one above. it's exactly the same. why?
Nothing is empty. Nothing is black
A void without a vessel, so to speak.
Nothing exists in many places
It can’t be seen, only believed. and yet again, why are these three stanza in the poem? what purpose do they have?
Nothing is the sum of any boxer’s talent
Who remains prone when knocked to the ground.
Nothing is the culmination of an adventurer’s experience
When uncertainty makes them back down. i'm sorry but none of this or the stanza above it is poetry. this stanza in particular makes no sense what so ever.
Nothing is the value of a golfer’s game how often will this poem say 'nothing'
When he can’t hit a shot from the rough.
Nothing is the total of meaningful gain
When one fails because one gave up. at this point, i as the reader wants to scream STOP.... all these stanza are clones of the one before it...i get it. i see what you're saying already.
Nothing is the content of a person’s contribution from this point i really can't carry on, i'm sorry fim but this is a really bad poem, i'm not sure an edit could save it unless you start from scratch. (this is actually the first time i ever said those words
When they cower from truth or task.
Nothing is the measure of the size of one’s heart
When one lacks the courage to ask.
“Where is the truth? What is its meaning?
What action is the right one to choose?”
And make that selection based on honorable values
Regardless of what one might lose.
Nothing is the outcome of circumventing the mountain
That lies on the path of one’s life.
Nothing is the benefit of avoiding the battle
Only because one lacks the tolerance for strife.
Nothing is the shell that represents a person
For the duration of the life they lead.
When they abandon values and disregard virtue
For an easier way to succeed.
________
When the obvious became evident, without any remorse
The poet put down his pen.
He reflected on his failure, which appeared quite dismal
Then to the critic this message he sent.
“Mountains and battle,
Honor and strife,
Are all very integral
Parts of life.
They can be avoided,
They can be ignored,
Dismissed, denied or rejected
Of course
But to do so, to turn one’s mind to less important ideas
Is something I don’t want to do
Life is to short to long ponder that which
Means little or nothing. Adieu.” billy,
I think I got a bit more than I asked for. I put this in the mild forum because it is my favorite poem and I wasn't prepared for such a serious critique. You guys use the F word occasionally in this forum. A part of me wants to tell you to go F yourself ... a part of me wants to thank you ... and get back to the drawing (rewrite) board.
Is there a possibility that there are some people out there who read and enjoy poetry who don't want everything so succinct (abbreviated, vague, "economical") that you have to guess what the hell the poet is talking about? Probably not.
OK back to the drawing board ... WITH MY FAVORITE POEM that I put in the mild forum!
When I have learned to critique and contribute sufficiently ... I am going to post my shittiest poems ... you will probably love them. 
Cheers,
fim
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
07-26-2013, 10:06 AM
(This post was last modified: 07-26-2013, 10:07 AM by billy.)
yes, i'm one of them, i love reading all kinds of poetry. the fun forum is one of my favourites. and i can understand why you hate me but you asked why i passed the poem over, and i felt you deserved an answer. i id read the poem all the way through by the way..
look fim. take something solid from feedback.
have a another attempt at doing this poem. i and others will gladly help you workshop the thing.
start off with a few stanza at first then add more if needed? the critics will say "needs expanding on" if that's the case.
and always give feedback, apart from reading it's your most effective tool for writing. what you see in other peoples poetry will be noticed in your own.
and the fuck word is fine, and i appreciate that you wanted to but didn't  it means more than you know.
Posts: 64
Threads: 12
Joined: Jun 2013
(07-26-2013, 10:06 AM)billy Wrote: yes, i'm one of them, i love reading all kinds of poetry. the fun forum is one of my favourites. and i can understand why you hate me but you asked why i passed the poem over, and i felt you deserved an answer. i id read the poem all the way through by the way..
look fim. take something solid from feedback.
have a another attempt at doing this poem. i and others will gladly help you workshop the thing.
start off with a few stanza at first then add more if needed? the critics will say "needs expanding on" if that's the case.
and always give feedback, apart from reading it's your most effective tool for writing. what you see in other peoples poetry will be noticed in your own.
and the fuck word is fine, and i appreciate that you wanted to but didn't it means more than you know. Thank you billy. Taking the time to guide those farther than you from the light, toward the light ... well, what goes around comes around (I know, it is a cliché) ... anyway, thanks ... friend.
fim
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