Posts: 70
Threads: 23
Joined: Jul 2013
Intently, the audience stares,
amazement in their eyes.
But they may not know,
my cooperation, a peanut buys.
Balancing on a ball
and posing like I do,
it makes a show man out of me,
it's all I ever knew.
Parade around the tent
with that woman on my back.
She isn't all that heavy,
it's the energy I lack.
Shackled, whipped, and beaten,
men don't treat me right.
Get me some more peanuts,
or I might leave tonight.
it makes a show man out of me,
it's all I ever knew.
Parade around the tent
with that woman on my back.
She isn't all that heavy,
it's the energy I lack.
Shackled, whipped, and beaten,
men don't treat me right.
Get me some more peanuts,
or I might leave tonight.
I think these parts of the poem are all right, though the rhyme with "back" and "lack" take away from it, even though the sentiment adds to it.
Posts: 64
Threads: 12
Joined: Jun 2013
(07-25-2013, 09:15 PM)TheWall0912 Wrote: Intently, the audience stares,
amazement in their eyes.
But they may not know,
my cooperation, a peanut buys.
Balancing on a ball
and posing like I do,
it makes a show man out of me,
it's all I ever knew.
Parade around the tent
with that woman on my back.
She isn't all that heavy,
it's the energy I lack.
Shackled, whipped, and beaten,
men don't treat me right.
Get me some more peanuts,
or I might leave tonight.
TheWall0912,
I like the continuity of your poem. It might be a simple poem but I locked on to the
show man (of me) and it took a couple more reads to realize the show
man was a pachyderm. Yea, probably should have caught that on the first read when I got to the fourth line's
peanut.
Like how you ended it.
Posts: 70
Threads: 17
Joined: Jan 2013
Hi TheWall, nice short elephant poem. Only complaint is that it's too predictable: I know about the peanuts and the ball balancing, could go for some esoteric circus elephant quips (if they exit, maybe they don't). I only know, from watching the quiz show QI, that indeed they were treated horribly; one (Topsy) was electrocuted after killing, among others, an abusive trainer who fed her a lit cigarette... Don't really want to end on that, so will add that your rhymes mostly work for me (except "it's all I ever knew", which is a bit cliché). Kk
