first ever poem - friendship

[nopoet62]

Hi all

Never written a poem before, chances are I wont again.

It's a friends birthday on Monday and I figured I'd have a go at writing a poem for her.

I'm not really a poetry person nor is my use of language anything to write home about (see what I did there ), but I thought it might be a nice thing to do for her.

I feel it's a tad saccharin and "hallmark" but it's personal and touches on things we've done together. (Gentle) feedback sought and any ways to improve appreciated.

it's provisionally entitled Friendship (original I know)


Our friendship is very special
We first met online
our friendship began to grow
now it feels sublime

We took a trip across the Border
Around an old Hospital we did Wander
Much fun was had in that old building
Our friendship , it grew stronger

The Walk Through the field caused me distress
You took care of me, so caring
Many happy and fun times ahead
With you these times i will be sharing

Next we met was to capture your beauty
Once more we headed west
more fun was had in that land
times spent with you are the best

Again we met, we crossed the water
We sat in a windmill just talking
You Were brave, honest and open
Just chilling and bonding

So what future our friendship
My life without you in it , Never
You light up my life,my soul
Our Friendship , It will be forever

[gdimonaco]

I'm sure your friend will love it! I have a couple of humble suggestions for better flow and rhyme. Maybe replacing bonding with walking. Also the last stanza feels stilted and disorganized. Try to rework it with the same rhyme scheme as the rest of the poem. Good luck!

[nopoet62]

would appreciate any further feedback/comments.

thanks

[rowens]

Seems very sketchy, like there's a whole other poem that could replace this one. It doesn't really say anything, just skims the details.

[Magpie]

Geez you don't ask for much do you mate. It's your first poem, last poem and tomorrow is Monday. I do tend to agree with the last comment that I'm sure your friend will love it as it is personal and references personal experiences. If you really want to rhyme the poem then I would try and stick to a metre or else it will feel slightly lopsided in places, which is does a little bit. I would say it's not necessary to rhyme but it would seem thats the path you want to take so that's fine.
Also capitalization seems a bit random in places, but all that said I'm sure your friend will love it.
This is not the forum where I could do a line by line critique and offer suggestions for change but I'm sure that if I did you would feel that it wasn't totally your poem anymore.
So I would just go for it.
Sorry if this isn't much help.
Cheers
Mark

[nopoet62]

thanks for that

sorry I'm not actually giving her the poem for another fortnight should have clarified that.

Thanks again for the feedback

[Magpie]

thanks for that

sorry I'm not actually giving her the poem for another fortnight should have clarified that.

Thanks again for the feedback

Perhaps I should of worked that out by the fact you only posted it yesterday, either that or you were being really cheeky. Well then there's time, even if for a few days you read some poems on here and you might get some more ideas and even doing a critique of other peoples poems will help you improve your writing and understanding and then see how you want to take it after that. You could post a reworking of it and see what happens.
Also I hope you don't think this is cheeky but you described your poem by saying "I feel it's a tad saccharin and "hallmark" and there you have a poetic line, obviously you ain't gonna say that to her but it's obvious that you've got the vocabulary, just try not to try so hard if you know what I mean, think about how words or phrases sound and read them out aloud, that line above sounds quite good when you read it out loud especially "saccharin"
I'll leave it to you as to what to do next.
Thanks Mark

[R.C. KITCHENS]

Hi all

Never written a poem before, chances are I wont again.

It's a friends birthday on Monday and I figured I'd have a go at writing a poem for her.

I'm not really a poetry person nor is my use of language anything to write home about (see what I did there ), but I thought it might be a nice thing to do for her.

I feel it's a tad saccharin and "hallmark" but it's personal and touches on things we've done together. (Gentle) feedback sought and any ways to improve appreciated.

it's provisionally entitled Friendship (original I know)


Our friendship is very special
We first met online
our friendship began to grow
now it feels sublime

We took a trip across the Border
Around an old Hospital we did Wander
Much fun was had in that old building
Our friendship , it grew stronger

The Walk Through the field caused me distress
You took care of me, so caring
Many happy and fun times ahead
With you these times i will be sharing

Next we met was to capture your beauty
Once more we headed west
more fun was had in that land
times spent with you are the best

Again we met, we crossed the water
We sat in a windmill just talking
You Were brave, honest and open
Just chilling and bonding

So what future our friendship
My life without you in it , Never
You light up my life,my soul
Our Friendship , It will be forever

I don't think you necessarily have to point out each instance. But, if your going to, I think you would be better off switching "Again we met" with Remember when we crossed the water". I would also fix this- "Once more we headed west more fun was had in that land" Maybe "Once more we headed west and had fun in that land" It just reads better.

[jdguyb]

Well where to start. I wish the stanza about how you were in distress had more meaning. It should be a stronger point in the poem. Maybe explain how she cared for you. Maybe if you love her so much you should have another stanza telling her so. Grow some balls man

[nopoet62]

Well where to start. I wish the stanza about how you were in distress had more meaning. It should be a stronger point in the poem. Maybe explain how she cared for you. Maybe if you love her so much you should have another stanza telling her so. Grow some balls man

She knows how she cared for me ... she was there...she did it

---

I think you would be better off switching "Again we met" with Remember when we crossed the water"

Wow just goes to show a very slight and subtle change and it just read so much better. I've just changed that and like it a lot more

Thank so much ><

[nopoet62]

OK so with couple of very slight re-workings... i feel I'm still not 100% happy with it and indeed the last stanza is not all it might be. I am, others potential reservations aside, quite happy with the last two lines..but the first two hmmmm


Friendship Poem

Our friendship is very special
We first met online
Our friendship began to grow
Now it feels sublime

We took a trip across the Border
Around an old Hopsital we did Wander
Much fun was had in that old building
Our friendship , it grew stronger

The Walk Through the field caused me distress
You took care of me, so caring
Many happy and fun times ahead
With you these times i will be sharing

Next we met was to capture your beauty
Once more we headed west
and had fun in that land
Times spent with you are the best

Remember when we crossed the water
We sat in a windmill just talking
You Were brave, honest and open
Just chilling and bonding

So what future our friendship
My life without you in it , Never
You light up my life,my soul
Our Friendship , It will be forever

[R.C. KITCHENS]

OK so with couple of very slight re-workings... i feel I'm still not 100% happy with it and indeed the last stanza is not all it might be. I am, others potential reservations aside, quite happy with the last two lines..but the first two hmmmm


Friendship Poem

Our friendship is very special
We first met online
Our friendship began to grow
Now it feels sublime

We took a trip across the Border
Around an old Hopsital we did Wander
Much fun was had in that old building
Our friendship , it grew stronger

The Walk Through the field caused me distress
You took care of me, so caring
Many happy and fun times ahead
With you these times i will be sharing

Next we met was to capture your beauty
Once more we headed west
and had fun in that land
Times spent with you are the best

Remember when we crossed the water
We sat in a windmill just talking
You Were brave, honest and open
Just chilling and bonding

So what future our friendship
My life without you in it , Never
You light up my life,my soul
Our Friendship , It will be forever

How about

Instead of

"So what future our friendship
My life without you in it , Never "

I am fond of the memories that
our friendship brings
My life without you in it, would
be a thought I hope not know

or just cut out completely the first two lines..
and use the ending two kines to exit

[nopoet62]

thanks again RC.. just using my original last two lines I quite like the look of ...certainly one I'll consider.

thanks again and to all who have contributed constructively and supportively , very much appreciated

RC with your suggestion for the last stanza would it not need "to" between not and know on the last line ?

Cheers guys