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Threads: 23
Joined: Jul 2013
If I could go to heaven,
I'd hope that you'd hear,
I'm looking for you
and am very near.
If I could go to heaven,
I'd want you to see,
I am the person
you'd want me to be.
If I could go to heaven,
I'd hope that you'd feel
happy, as we embrace.
This time it's real.
If I could go to heaven,
I'd want you to know,
I tried really hard
and hope it does show.
If I could go to heaven,
I'd hope that you'd say,
"Hello my darling,
you turned out okay."
Posts: 574
Threads: 80
Joined: May 2013
(07-19-2013, 09:45 PM)TheWall0912 Wrote: If I could go to heaven,
I'd hope that you'd hear,
I'm looking for you
and am very near.
If I could go to heaven,
I'd want you to see,
I am the person
you'd want me to be.
If I could go to heaven,
I'd hope that you'd feel
happy, as we embrace.
This time it's real.
If I could go to heaven,
I'd want you to know,
I tried really hard
and hope it does show.
If I could go to heaven,
I'd hope that you'd say,
"Hello my darling,
you turned out okay."
This reminds me of that Eric Clapton song Tears in Heaven, which isn't half bad, but I think you can go deeper than this with poetry. 
Posts: 9
Threads: 1
Joined: Jul 2013
I am no poet and haven't read poetry since school (which was a long, long time ago) so my feedback is very much that of a non petic layman.
Can't quite put my finger on what it is about it but I do like it. It's simple and pleasant.
This has great rhythm, and touches the reader. I think there is more heart and pain in this that isn't really being shown.
Posts: 280
Threads: 42
Joined: Mar 2013
(07-19-2013, 09:45 PM)TheWall0912 Wrote: If I could go to heaven,
I'd hope that you'd hear,
I'm looking for you
and am very near.
If I could go to heaven,
I'd want you to see,
I am the person
you'd want me to be.
If I could go to heaven,
I'd hope that you'd feel
happy, as we embrace.
This time it's real.
If I could go to heaven,
I'd want you to know,
I tried really hard
and hope it does show.
If I could go to heaven,
I'd hope that you'd say,
"Hello my darling,
you turned out okay."
Hi,
I think this is a simple and sweet little poem, which gets the message out clearly. Maybe a bit too clearly. I did miss some more imagery to add some depth.
JMHO of course, to be used or discarded at will.
Best,
LB
Posts: 1,279
Threads: 187
Joined: Dec 2016
(07-19-2013, 09:45 PM)TheWall0912 Wrote: If I could go to heaven,
I'd hope that you'd hear,
I'm looking for you
and am very near.
If I could go to heaven,
I'd want you to see,
I am the person
you'd want me to be.
If I could go to heaven,
I'd hope that you'd feel
happy, as we embrace.
This time it's real.
If I could go to heaven,
I'd want you to know,
I tried really hard
and hope it does show.
If I could go to heaven,
I'd hope that you'd say,
"Hello my darling,
you turned out okay."
It is a sweet poem and it is nice to see you playing around with rhyme and meter. I would kill the refrain, it gets cloying quick. The title says it, trust your readers to pick it up.
Posts: 123
Threads: 15
Joined: Jun 2013
(07-19-2013, 09:45 PM)TheWall0912 Wrote: If I could go to heaven,
I'd hope that you'd hear,
I'm looking for you
and am very near.
If I could go to heaven,
I'd want you to see,
I am the person
you'd want me to be.
If I could go to heaven,
I'd hope that you'd feel
happy, as we embrace.
This time it's real.
If I could go to heaven,
I'd want you to know,
I tried really hard
and hope it does show.
If I could go to heaven,
I'd hope that you'd say,
"Hello my darling,
you turned out okay."
I agree with Milo, The refrain is a bit much. Maybe you could change the refrain up by a word or two and alternate it.
I once told this blond chick to screw in a light bulb..
She got naked and asked "how do I get in it?"
Posts: 70
Threads: 19
Joined: Jul 2013
Maybe describe what you see in heaven.. The dream of it. Maybe you can explain to the other person why going to heaven is so important with some imagery of what you think heaven should be
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