A Passing

[billy]

It bore the fern and ash; unfurled a spell
of loose-barked silver birch and stretching oak.
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow stroke
to woo a hermit thrush that trilled along
a branch, its spotted breast so proud in song.
The parted bluebells blushed within the glade
as chorused foxglove sang inside the shade.
The mottled woodland wrapped me in its shell.

The years, like winds of old are cast away
and with them died the splendour of the trees.
no more the summer's dell, and gone the trails;
as sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae.
The wooded hills no longer stand at ease.
Now terracotta houses rise like sails.

---

final edit. mainly punctuation. thanks for the help with that jack and ray.

A Passing

It bore the fern and ash; unfurled a spell
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oak.
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow stroke
to woo a hermit thrush that trilled along
a branch; its spotted breast so proud in song.
The parted bluebells blushed within the glade
as chorused foxglove sang inside the shade,
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its shell.

The years, like winds of old are cast away
and with them, died the splendour of the trees.
No more the summer's dell, and gone the trails;
as sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae.
The wooded hills no longer stand at ease.
Now terracotta houses rise like sails.

---

2nd edit. i did play with the rhyme on L's 1 and 8, as well as some tinkering elsewhere. thanks again to all who helped.

A Passing

It bore a trace of fern, unfurled a smell
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oaks.
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow strokes
and wooed a hermit thrush that trilled along
a branch; its spotted breast so proud in song.
The parted bluebells blushed within the glade
as chorused foxglove sang inside the shade,
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its spell.

The years, like winds of old are cast away
and with them, gone the softness of the trees.
Now terracotta houses rise like sails
and sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae.
No more the wooded hills, no more the breeze.
No more summer's dell and lost, the vales.

---

thanks for all the feedback this is the 1st edit

original.
A Passing

It carried scent of ferns, unfurled a smell
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oaks.
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow strokes
and wooed a hermit thrush that trilled along
on branch; its spotted breast so proud in song.
The parted bluebells swayed, within the glade
as chorused foxglove sang aloud in shade,
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its spell.

The years, like winds of old have bled away
and with them flew the softness of the trees.
now terracotta houses rise like sails.
and sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae.
No more the wooded hills, no more the breeze.
No more the summer's dell, no more the vales.

---

i pronounce sewerage as sew ridge

[Heartafire]

Hi Billy, would love to find one nit with this but coming up empty handed. It is without fault for me. I smell the scent of the forest, the birch and oak, so beautifully expressed. I must weave through the dialect, eg; brae, here we might say hillside, sewage rather than sewerage. A learning experience. Your use of simile and metaphor perfect; awesome writing.
My Best,
Heart

[Brownlie]

It carried scent of ferns, unfurled a smell
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oaks.
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow strokes
and wooed a hermit thrush that trilled along
on branch; its spotted breast so proud in song.
The parted bluebells swayed, within the glade
as chorused foxglove sang aloud in shade,
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its spell.

The years, like winds of old have bled away
and with them flew the softness of the trees.
now terracotta houses rise like sails.
and sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae.
No more the wooded hills, no more the breeze.
No more summer's dell, no more the vales.

---

i pronounce sewerage as sew ridge

I will come back to this poem later and give it some more analysis, but I really enjoyed where the poem went in the second stanza. One immediate critique I can give is that you start the poem with it and it is hard to tell what the it your referring to is. The terracotta houses and especially the sewer pipes were salient parts of the poem for me.

[tectak]

Small nits,billy, but consequential. Overall a well transmitted message difficult to misread....nothing wrong with that.
Best,
tectak
It carried scent of ferns, unfurled a smell Unrelated "it" could be changed to simply "Wind" but better to avoid the unpoetic and sanitary "smell". Try " Wind carried waft of ferns, unfurled a scent ..." Your poem.
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oaks.
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow strokes
and wooed a hermit thrush that trilled along
on branch; its spotted breast so proud in song.
The parted bluebells swayed, within the glade
as chorused foxglove sang aloud in shade,
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its spell. ...but from the heart. Good

The years, like winds of old have bled away Mauled metaphor. Do winds bleed? " The years have gone, on breezes blown away.." Again, your poem. Ignore me. I am a distant muse past my tell by date
and with them flew the softness of the trees.
now terracotta houses rise like sails. Capital on "Now" if you mean it but no comma after "sails"
and sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae. Moot point coming. I read your note. Some may argue but you are strictly speaking correct in using "sew er age" when before "pipes" but common parlance by anti-pedants would allow "sewage" . Your call.
No more the wooded hills, no more the breeze. I don't see why the breeze has gone but it should....no more the trees maybe
No more summer's dell, no more the vales.

---

i pronounce sewerage as sew ridge

[R.C. KITCHENS]

It carried scent of ferns, unfurled a smell
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oaks.
I agree, The "it" should be more implied.
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow strokes
and wooed a hermit thrush that trilled along
on branch; its spotted breast so proud in song.
The parted bluebells swayed, within the glade
as chorused foxglove sang aloud in shade,
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its spell.

The years, like winds of old have bled away
instead of "bled away" you could use "vanished" or "disappeared" also what Tectak suggested in "blown away"
and with them flew the softness of the trees.
now terracotta houses rise like sails.
and sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae.
No more the wooded hills, no more the breeze.I get what your implying here, the houses have taken the breeze.
No more summer's dell, no more the vales.

---

i pronounce sewerage as sew ridge

I like it very well, well written.

[milo]

It carried scent of ferns, unfurled a smell
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oaks.
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow strokes
and wooed a hermit thrush that trilled along
on branch; its spotted breast so proud in song.
The parted bluebells swayed, within the glade
as chorused foxglove sang aloud in shade,
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its spell.

L1 - 'scent of ferns' reads particularly strange as well as 'a smell', perhaps something like "It blew a scent of ferns, unfurled the smell'.
L2 - 'oaks have a smell?' I know when you cut them or burn them they do, but I would be hard-pressed to identify with the smell of a live oak tree.
L3, L4 are good.
L5 - 'on branch is strange and it is filler as well.
L6 - swayed in the glade might be too dr seusish
L7, L8 good

The years, like winds of old have bled away
and with them flew the softness of the trees.
now terracotta houses rise like sails.
and sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae.
No more the wooded hills, no more the breeze.
No more summer's dell, no more the vales.

L1 - 'winds of old' seems too Victorian, it is pretty non-specific as well.
L2 - The tree's softness flew?
The rest reads fine.

Your Octet reads like a very specific time more than just 'in the past' as your sestet suggests. It gives me some confusion in the read but I am not even really sure how you would fix it.

---

i pronounce sewerage as sew ridge

Overall, you have done a good job with the descriptive and the reportage. I like it, billy, I think you have the makings of a good sonnet.

[Leanne]

It carried scent of ferns, unfurled a smell -- scent and smell are the same thing, so one of them is wasted -- perhaps "It brought a hint of ferns" -- I have no problems at all starting with "it", I think it's fairly obvious that it's not just wind but the entire atmosphere -- wind is too small a word
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oaks. -- nice personification and I know the smell you mean
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow strokes
and wooed a hermit thrush that trilled along
on branch; its spotted breast so proud in song. -- "on branch" is not good, it's forced -- but this would be easily fixed by "its branch" or even just "the branch".
The parted bluebells swayed, within the glade -- no comma needed after swayed
as chorused foxglove sang aloud in shade, -- aloud is awkward -- perhaps "sang across the shade" or something
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its spell.

The years, like winds of old have bled away --"bled away" seems a bit emo and not terribly relevant to the image -- "slid" might help
and with them flew the softness of the trees. -- I'm not sold on "flew" but the image itself is good
now terracotta houses rise like sails. -- capital N and no full stop
and sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae. -- nice
No more the wooded hills, no more the breeze.
No more summer's dell, no more the vales. -- you're short here and I think the repetition gets a bit much -- perhaps "No more the summer dell and gone the vales."

Very good bones and for the most part, you've nailed the IP which is a pretty big deal.

---

PS. Sewerage is the network of pipes and such, sewage is the shit that flows through them, so your spelling is correct and I'll certainly allow the elision because that's more or less how I'd say it too.

[billy]

Hi Billy, would love to find one nit with this but coming up empty handed. It is without fault for me. I smell the scent of the forest, the birch and oak, so beautifully expressed. I must weave through the dialect, eg; brae, here we might say hillside, sewage rather than sewerage. A learning experience. Your use of simile and metaphor perfect; awesome writing.
My Best,
Heart

thanks for the kind feedback heart.

---

I will come back to this poem later and give it some more analysis, but I really enjoyed where the poem went in the second stanza. One immediate critique I can give is that you start the poem with it and it is hard to tell what the it your referring to is. The terracotta houses and especially the sewer pipes were salient parts of the poem for me.

will be waiting
about [it]
i was hoping the title would help

---

Small nits,billy, but consequential. Overall a well transmitted message difficult to misread....nothing wrong with that.
Best,
tectak
It carried scent of ferns, unfurled a smell Unrelated "it" could be changed to simply "Wind" but better to avoid the unpoetic and sanitary "smell". Try " Wind carried waft of ferns, unfurled a scent ..." Your poem.
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oaks.
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow strokes
and wooed a hermit thrush that trilled along
on branch; its spotted breast so proud in song.
The parted bluebells swayed, within the glade
as chorused foxglove sang aloud in shade,
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its spell. ...but from the heart. Good

The years, like winds of old have bled away Mauled metaphor. Do winds bleed? " The years have gone, on breezes blown away.." Again, your poem. Ignore me. I am a distant muse past my tell by date
and with them flew the softness of the trees.
now terracotta houses rise like sails. Capital on "Now" if you mean it but no comma after "sails"
and sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae. Moot point coming. I read your note. Some may argue but you are strictly speaking correct in using "sew er age" when before "pipes" but common parlance by anti-pedants would allow "sewage" . Your call.
No more the wooded hills, no more the breeze. I don't see why the breeze has gone but it should....no more the trees maybe
No more summer's dell, no more the vales.

---

i pronounce sewerage as sew ridge

winds bleed for me in metaphor but you and leanne both, have a point which i'll amend in the edit. and silly me, i never thought to spell it sewage
as you and heartfire int out, too will also be amended.
thanks for the feedback tom

---

It carried scent of ferns, unfurled a smell
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oaks.
I agree, The "it" should be more implied.
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow strokes
and wooed a hermit thrush that trilled along
on branch; its spotted breast so proud in song.
The parted bluebells swayed, within the glade
as chorused foxglove sang aloud in shade,
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its spell.

The years, like winds of old have bled away
instead of "bled away" you could use "vanished" or "disappeared" also what Tectak suggested in "blown away"
and with them flew the softness of the trees.
now terracotta houses rise like sails.
and sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae.
No more the wooded hills, no more the breeze.I get what your implying here, the houses have taken the breeze.
No more summer's dell, no more the vales.

---

i pronounce sewerage as sew ridge

I like it very well, well written.

thanks for the feedback rc and the reinforcement that bled might not work

---

It carried scent of ferns, unfurled a smell
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oaks.
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow strokes
and wooed a hermit thrush that trilled along
on branch; its spotted breast so proud in song.
The parted bluebells swayed, within the glade
as chorused foxglove sang aloud in shade,
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its spell.

L1 - 'scent of ferns' reads particularly strange as well as 'a smell', perhaps something like "It blew a scent of ferns, unfurled the smell'.
L2 - 'oaks have a smell?' I know when you cut them or burn them they do, but I would be hard-pressed to identify with the smell of a live oak tree.
L3, L4 are good.
L5 - 'on branch is strange and it is filler as well.
L6 - swayed in the glade might be too dr seusish
L7, L8 good

The years, like winds of old have bled away
and with them flew the softness of the trees.
now terracotta houses rise like sails.
and sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae.
No more the wooded hills, no more the breeze.
No more summer's dell, no more the vales.

L1 - 'winds of old' seems too Victorian, it is pretty non-specific as well.
L2 - The tree's softness flew?
The rest reads fine.

Your Octet reads like a very specific time more than just 'in the past' as your sestet suggests. It gives me some confusion in the read but I am not even really sure how you would fix it.

---

i pronounce sewerage as sew ridge

Overall, you have done a good job with the descriptive and the reportage. I like it, billy, I think you have the makings of a good sonnet.

some valid points i'll attend to with the edit. about the oak, for me oak has a distinct smell not everyone's nose is as cute, oops i mean acute

there's been a few crit's on it so i think i can share a meaning.

ever look at the woods from a distance and notice how obscure their outlines are, i've seen them sometimes as moving works of art as opposed to a hard landscape,

thanks for the crit and insites.

---

It carried scent of ferns, unfurled a smell -- scent and smell are the same thing, so one of them is wasted -- perhaps "It brought a hint of ferns" -- I have no problems at all starting with "it", I think it's fairly obvious that it's not just wind but the entire atmosphere -- wind is too small a word
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oaks. -- nice personification and I know the smell you mean
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow strokes
and wooed a hermit thrush that trilled along
on branch; its spotted breast so proud in song. -- "on branch" is not good, it's forced -- but this would be easily fixed by "its branch" or even just "the branch".
The parted bluebells swayed, within the glade -- no comma needed after swayed
as chorused foxglove sang aloud in shade, -- aloud is awkward -- perhaps "sang across the shade" or something
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its spell.

The years, like winds of old have bled away --"bled away" seems a bit emo and not terribly relevant to the image -- "slid" might help
and with them flew the softness of the trees. -- I'm not sold on "flew" but the image itself is good
now terracotta houses rise like sails. -- capital N and no full stop
and sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae. -- nice
No more the wooded hills, no more the breeze.
No more summer's dell, no more the vales. -- you're short here and I think the repetition gets a bit much -- perhaps "No more the summer dell and gone the vales."

Very good bones and for the most part, you've nailed the IP which is a pretty big deal.

---

PS. Sewerage is the network of pipes and such, sewage is the shit that flows through them, so your spelling is correct and I'll certainly allow the elision because that's more or less how I'd say it too.

thanks for the feedback leanne, that last line, i wrote twenty times and 19 of them were complete. i just rushed the bastard to get the poem up before going out. the lesson learned is wait until tomorrow instead of rushing it. i'll leave the flew in on the 2nd line of the volta and work on the other points you make later today or tomorrow. the point i'm most pissed at beside the lost half foot is the scent smell.

all in all i spent two to two and half hours of broken time on the thing and should have spotted the repetition. i found that if i did 15 mins and left it an hour i saw more the cock ups i made.

[milo]

Hi Billy, would love to find one nit with this but coming up empty handed. It is without fault for me. I smell the scent of the forest, the birch and oak, so beautifully expressed. I must weave through the dialect, eg; brae, here we might say hillside, sewage rather than sewerage. A learning experience. Your use of simile and metaphor perfect; awesome writing.
My Best,
Heart

thanks for the kind feedback heart.

---

I will come back to this poem later and give it some more analysis, but I really enjoyed where the poem went in the second stanza. One immediate critique I can give is that you start the poem with it and it is hard to tell what the it your referring to is. The terracotta houses and especially the sewer pipes were salient parts of the poem for me.

will be waiting
about [it]
i was hoping the title would help

---

Small nits,billy, but consequential. Overall a well transmitted message difficult to misread....nothing wrong with that.
Best,
tectak
It carried scent of ferns, unfurled a smell Unrelated "it" could be changed to simply "Wind" but better to avoid the unpoetic and sanitary "smell". Try " Wind carried waft of ferns, unfurled a scent ..." Your poem.
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oaks.
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow strokes
and wooed a hermit thrush that trilled along
on branch; its spotted breast so proud in song.
The parted bluebells swayed, within the glade
as chorused foxglove sang aloud in shade,
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its spell. ...but from the heart. Good

The years, like winds of old have bled away Mauled metaphor. Do winds bleed? " The years have gone, on breezes blown away.." Again, your poem. Ignore me. I am a distant muse past my tell by date
and with them flew the softness of the trees.
now terracotta houses rise like sails. Capital on "Now" if you mean it but no comma after "sails"
and sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae. Moot point coming. I read your note. Some may argue but you are strictly speaking correct in using "sew er age" when before "pipes" but common parlance by anti-pedants would allow "sewage" . Your call.
No more the wooded hills, no more the breeze. I don't see why the breeze has gone but it should....no more the trees maybe
No more summer's dell, no more the vales.

---

i pronounce sewerage as sew ridge

winds bleed for me in metaphor but you and leanne both, have a point which i'll amend in the edit. and silly me, i never thought to spell it sewage
as you and heartfire int out, too will also be amended.
thanks for the feedback tom

---

It carried scent of ferns, unfurled a smell
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oaks.
I agree, The "it" should be more implied.
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow strokes
and wooed a hermit thrush that trilled along
on branch; its spotted breast so proud in song.
The parted bluebells swayed, within the glade
as chorused foxglove sang aloud in shade,
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its spell.

The years, like winds of old have bled away
instead of "bled away" you could use "vanished" or "disappeared" also what Tectak suggested in "blown away"
and with them flew the softness of the trees.
now terracotta houses rise like sails.
and sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae.
No more the wooded hills, no more the breeze.I get what your implying here, the houses have taken the breeze.
No more summer's dell, no more the vales.

---

i pronounce sewerage as sew ridge

I like it very well, well written.

thanks for the feedback rc and the reinforcement that bled might not work

---

It carried scent of ferns, unfurled a smell
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oaks.
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow strokes
and wooed a hermit thrush that trilled along
on branch; its spotted breast so proud in song.
The parted bluebells swayed, within the glade
as chorused foxglove sang aloud in shade,
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its spell.

L1 - 'scent of ferns' reads particularly strange as well as 'a smell', perhaps something like "It blew a scent of ferns, unfurled the smell'.
L2 - 'oaks have a smell?' I know when you cut them or burn them they do, but I would be hard-pressed to identify with the smell of a live oak tree.
L3, L4 are good.
L5 - 'on branch is strange and it is filler as well.
L6 - swayed in the glade might be too dr seusish
L7, L8 good

The years, like winds of old have bled away
and with them flew the softness of the trees.
now terracotta houses rise like sails.
and sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae.
No more the wooded hills, no more the breeze.
No more summer's dell, no more the vales.

L1 - 'winds of old' seems too Victorian, it is pretty non-specific as well.
L2 - The tree's softness flew?
The rest reads fine.

Your Octet reads like a very specific time more than just 'in the past' as your sestet suggests. It gives me some confusion in the read but I am not even really sure how you would fix it.

---

i pronounce sewerage as sew ridge

Overall, you have done a good job with the descriptive and the reportage. I like it, billy, I think you have the makings of a good sonnet.

some valid points i'll attend to with the edit. about the oak, for me oak has a distinct smell not everyone's nose is as cute, oops i mean acute

there's been a few crit's on it so i think i can share a meaning.

ever look at the woods from a distance and notice how obscure their outlines are, i've seen them sometimes as moving works of art as opposed to a hard landscape,

thanks for the crit and insites.

---

It carried scent of ferns, unfurled a smell -- scent and smell are the same thing, so one of them is wasted -- perhaps "It brought a hint of ferns" -- I have no problems at all starting with "it", I think it's fairly obvious that it's not just wind but the entire atmosphere -- wind is too small a word
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oaks. -- nice personification and I know the smell you mean
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow strokes
and wooed a hermit thrush that trilled along
on branch; its spotted breast so proud in song. -- "on branch" is not good, it's forced -- but this would be easily fixed by "its branch" or even just "the branch".
The parted bluebells swayed, within the glade -- no comma needed after swayed
as chorused foxglove sang aloud in shade, -- aloud is awkward -- perhaps "sang across the shade" or something
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its spell.

The years, like winds of old have bled away --"bled away" seems a bit emo and not terribly relevant to the image -- "slid" might help
and with them flew the softness of the trees. -- I'm not sold on "flew" but the image itself is good
now terracotta houses rise like sails. -- capital N and no full stop
and sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae. -- nice
No more the wooded hills, no more the breeze.
No more summer's dell, no more the vales. -- you're short here and I think the repetition gets a bit much -- perhaps "No more the summer dell and gone the vales."

Very good bones and for the most part, you've nailed the IP which is a pretty big deal.

---

PS. Sewerage is the network of pipes and such, sewage is the shit that flows through them, so your spelling is correct and I'll certainly allow the elision because that's more or less how I'd say it too.

thanks for the feedback leanne, that last line, i wrote twenty times and 19 of them were complete. i just rushed the bastard to get the poem up before going out. the lesson learned is wait until tomorrow instead of rushing it. i'll leave the flew in on the 2nd line of the volta and work on the other points you make later today or tomorrow. the point i'm most pissed at beside the lost half foot is the scent smell.

all in all i spent two to two and half hours of broken time on the thing and should have spotted the repetition. i found that if i did 15 mins and left it an hour i saw more the cock ups i made.

your lost half foot is acceptable as it reads as a headless iamb. I actually liked the effect and read the last 2 lines several times to catch /what/ I liked about it. Your 13th line, the accent is on 'more' twice in a row with the no more phrase. You subtly shift the accent to 'No'. I would say keep it, but read through it a few times to see if you like it.

[TRLustig]

I enjoyed it. I kind of got lost in the forest of the first bit, perhaps too much jammed into one place for my tastes, even though I love the forest and its panoply of unending wonders, but it was a fitting stage on which to set loose the final paragraph that danced and sang with a terrible fury so damn nicely, the change of pace from wilderness to th ratrace was well done. well done

[billy]

your lost half foot is acceptable as it reads as a headless iamb. I actually liked the effect and read the last 2 lines several times to catch /what/ I liked about it. Your 13th line, the accent is on 'more' twice in a row with the no more phrase. You subtly shift the accent to 'No'. I would say keep it, but read through it a few times to see if you like it.

i could accept what you say if there were the slightest intention on my part of leaving the half foot out on purpose. to leave it out now would feel like i cheated. i do accept that some mistakes can be good mistakes but this is one that wouldn't have happened had i not altered it when it when it already worked with all it's feet

---

It carried scent of ferns, unfurled a smell scent and smell is not working, I think you should choose one or the other.
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oaks. I know the scent. Loose barked gave it away. a bit adjectivey though ( technical term).
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow strokes
and wooed a hermit thrush that trilled along
on branch; its spotted breast so proud in song.
The parted bluebells swayed, within the glade
as chorused foxglove sang aloud in shade,
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its spell. I don't speak this language , but it sure sounds nice

The years, like winds of old have bled away blown away, not bled, and not "like" if you want the full metaphor for the next line. Try something like this: Those years are winds long past, they blew away,
and with them flew the softness of the trees.
now terracotta houses rise like sails.
and sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae. I see nothing wrong with sewage. I've never even heard sewerage. We call it sewage in the U.S. (or just sewer)
No more the wooded hills, no more the breeze. the wind still blows, just not the same one, in keeping with the "blown away" line. Maybe: that breeze, old winds, those winds, etc.
No more summer's dell, no more the vales.

---

i pronounce sewerage as sew ridge

I really like this poem, and the theme about civilization overtaking nature.

a concurrence regarding some thoughts others had helps me a lot for the eidt when i do it, thanks for the feedback.

---

I enjoyed it. I kind of got lost in the forest of the first bit, perhaps too much jammed into one place for my tastes, even though I love the forest and its panoply of unending wonders, but it was a fitting stage on which to set loose the final paragraph that danced and sang with a terrible fury so damn nicely, the change of pace from wilderness to th ratrace was well done. well done

thanks for the feedback always good to see new guys giving it out

[Leanne]

Sorry, but I must be pedantic here -- even in the US, sewerage refers to the infrastructure through which sewage, the waste, is piped. The pronunciations are quite similar, obviously, but the fact that people are ignorant of the difference doesn't make the difference go away and certainly doesn't give anyone an excuse to choose the incorrect word.

[tectak]

Sorry, but I must be pedantic here -- even in the US, sewerage refers to the infrastructure through which sewage, the waste, is piped. The pronunciations are quite similar, obviously, but the fact that people are ignorant of the difference doesn't make the difference go away and certainly doesn't give anyone an excuse to choose the incorrect word.

Correct. I think it is only the vernacular peculiar to those who work in such industries that permit and indeed perpetuate the diversion from strict-dic-def which would allow "sewage" to pass. Hmm. I may rephrase that.
"Sewage pipes" is an interestingingly precious slip away from industrial language which considers nothing wrong with "water pipes" ,"gas pipes", "oil pipes" and "steam pipes"...but sewerage pipes not sewage pipes.
Enough already. I can't believe I'm having this conversation.
Best,
tectak

[Brownlie]

Alright I'll do my best here, but obviously Leanne and Milo have the most credibility

It carried scent of ferns, unfurled a smell -- From what I can see this line is perfect IP. Leanne may have a point on the it.
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oaks. --This line has an extra syllable and I'm not positive but I think Loose is stressed so loose bark may be a trochee
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow strokes -- whether the word "by" is stressed I am not certain.
and wooed a hermit thrush that trilled along-- An extra foot in this line, also "wooed a" may be a Pyrrhus if "ed" counts as an unstressed syllable but I like the words used to describe the songbird.
on branch; its spotted breast so proud in song. -- Perfect IP hereThe parted bluebells swayed, within the glade -- Internal rhyme works beautifully here, but I'm unsure if bluebells is a spondee if you think it might be look up the word in the dictionary to settle the matter
as chorused foxglove sang aloud in shade, -- I think chorused is alright in terms of meter it depends if "ed" is its own syllable. Now I'm not sure if foxgloves can sing aren't they flowers. One could argue that the language is figurative though it's your call I suppose
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its spell.-- There is an extra syllable here also "in its" may be a Pyrrhus

The years, like winds of old have bled away -- I suppose this may sound a bit emo maybe use the word "blown"
and with them flew the softness of the trees. -- Softness sounds pleasant to the ear but is that the adjective you want to use to communicate your message?
now terracotta houses rise like sails. -- Good line that is perfect IP, but I would suggest looking up terracotta if you haven't already. Did you mean the terracotta soldiers or the building material?
and sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae.-- I would change sewerage to sewer, if you do I believe the line will be in perfect IP
No more the wooded hills, no more the breeze. -- Perfect IP here from what I can discern
No more summer's dell, no more the vales. -- You have a spondee in this line that I believe led to the metrical error of having only nine syllables "More Summer" More and Sum are both stressed. The anaphora makes the end more dramatic which I believe works well.

I went through the poem and found some minor errors that can be fixed, I think the poem could definitely benefit from editing, but I still things it is a great poem. I really hope you edit it.

---

i pronounce sewerage as sew ridge

[billy]

It bore a trace of fern, unfurled a smell
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oaks.
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow strokes
and wooed a hermit thrush that trilled along
a branch; its spotted breast so proud in song.
The parted bluebells blushed within the glade
as chorused foxglove sang inside the shade,
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its spell.

The years, like winds of old are cast away
and with them, gone the softness of the trees.
Now terracotta houses rise like sails
and sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae.
No more the wooded hills, no more the breeze.
No more summer's dell and lost, the vales.

---

thanks for all the feedback this is the 1st edit

original.
A Passing

It carried scent of ferns, unfurled a smell
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oaks.
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow strokes
and wooed a hermit thrush that trilled along
on branch; its spotted breast so proud in song.
The parted bluebells swayed, within the glade
as chorused foxglove sang aloud in shade,
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its spell.

The years, like winds of old have bled away
and with them flew the softness of the trees.
now terracotta houses rise like sails.
and sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae.
No more the wooded hills, no more the breeze.
No more summer's dell, no more the vales.

---

i pronounce sewerage as sew ridge

[tectak]

It bore a trace of fern, unfurled a smell A "....a scent"
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oaks. B
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow strokes B
and wooed a hermit thrush that trilled along C
a branch; its spotted breast so proud in song. C
The parted bluebells blushed within the glade D
as chorused foxglove sang inside the shade, D
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its spell. A "the mottled copse intoned its sad lament."

The years, like winds of old are cast away A
and with them, gone the softness of the trees. B
Now terracotta houses rise like sails C
and sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae. A
No more the wooded hills, no more the breeze. B
No more summer's dell and lost, the vales. C

---

thanks for all the feedback this is the 1st edit

original.
A Passing

It carried scent of ferns, unfurled a smell
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oaks.
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow strokes
and wooed a hermit thrush that trilled along
on branch; its spotted breast so proud in song.
The parted bluebells swayed, within the glade
as chorused foxglove sang aloud in shade,
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its spell.

The years, like winds of old have bled away
and with them flew the softness of the trees.
now terracotta houses rise like sails.
and sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae.
No more the wooded hills, no more the breeze.
No more summer's dell, no more the vales.

---

i pronounce sewerage as sew ridge

Billy,
For a rough-cut Rupert you have NAILED this one to the board. Of course, it IS my kind of thing but you have worked a weft of William into it that weaves in and out through the whole tapestry. It is quite beautiful and you should be suitably puffed up (as billies are wont to do).
Excellent edit and all credit to you....but I still don't like SMELL and its implication of unpleasantness. My suggestion is just that...a suggestion.
Best,
tectak

[Brownlie]

I remember this poem I really enjoy the sestet of this one. I'll try to give you some useful feedback. I can go over the meter like a Nazi I suppose even though I'm not sure of all the unacceptable deviations of meter.

It bore a trace of fern, unfurled a smell
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oaks. -To me, Silver seems to suggest at symbolism.
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow strokes
and wooed a hermit thrush that trilled along
a branch; its spotted breast so proud in song. --So feels padded, maybe instead of "so" you could use "was" Your call
The parted bluebells blushed within the glade
as chorused foxglove sang inside the shade,
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its spell.

The years, like winds of old are cast away-- Olden winds may also work but winds of old is probably fine
and with them, gone the softness of the trees. -- I question the word softness, is it softness that the trees brought?
Now terracotta houses rise like sails -- I would put a comma after now. Also I'm not sure if the first part of this line is a spondee or not.
and sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae.
No more the wooded hills, no more the breeze.
No more summer's dell and lost, the vales. --I'm counting a missed half of a foot, though the deviation may be acceptable.

---

thanks for all the feedback this is the 1st edit

original.
A Passing

It carried scent of ferns, unfurled a smell
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oaks.
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow strokes
and wooed a hermit thrush that trilled along
on branch; its spotted breast so proud in song.
The parted bluebells swayed, within the glade
as chorused foxglove sang aloud in shade,
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its spell.

The years, like winds of old have bled away
and with them flew the softness of the trees.
now terracotta houses rise like sails.
and sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae.
No more the wooded hills, no more the breeze.
No more summer's dell, no more the vales.

---

i pronounce sewerage as sew ridge

I went over the poem with my best ability. I found some little things that could be fixed, but you should be proud of this one. Enigma may have a point on gone I did not consider that.

[billy]

thanks for the feedback tom i thought about using scent but felt smell was better suited, as musty woodlands flors are something i see as musty but i have given it some thought and wondered if [a musk] would do a better job?

i'll give it some thought in the next edit, thanks for the feedback .

It bore a trace of fern, unfurled a smell A "....a scent"
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oaks. B
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow strokes B
and wooed a hermit thrush that trilled along C
a branch; its spotted breast so proud in song. C
The parted bluebells blushed within the glade D
as chorused foxglove sang inside the shade, D
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its spell. A "the mottled copse intoned its sad lament."

The years, like winds of old are cast away A
and with them, gone the softness of the trees. B
Now terracotta houses rise like sails C
and sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae. A
No more the wooded hills, no more the breeze. B
No more summer's dell and lost, the vales. C

---

thanks for all the feedback this is the 1st edit

original.
A Passing

It carried scent of ferns, unfurled a smell
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oaks.
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow strokes
and wooed a hermit thrush that trilled along
on branch; its spotted breast so proud in song.
The parted bluebells swayed, within the glade
as chorused foxglove sang aloud in shade,
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its spell.

The years, like winds of old have bled away
and with them flew the softness of the trees.
now terracotta houses rise like sails.
and sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae.
No more the wooded hills, no more the breeze.
No more summer's dell, no more the vales.

---

i pronounce sewerage as sew ridge

Billy,
For a rough-cut Rupert you have NAILED this one to the board. Of course, it IS my kind of thing but you have worked a weft of William into it that weaves in and out through the whole tapestry. It is quite beautiful and you should be suitably puffed up (as billies are wont to do).
Excellent edit and all credit to you....but I still don't like SMELL and its implication of unpleasantness. My suggestion is just that...a suggestion.
Best,
tectak

---

It bore a trace of fern, unfurled a smell
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oaks.
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow strokes
and wooed a hermit thrush that trilled along
a branch; its spotted breast so proud in song.
The parted bluebells blushed within the glade
as chorused foxglove sang inside the shade,
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its spell.

The years, like winds of old are cast away
and with them, gone the softness of the trees.
Now terracotta houses rise like sails
and sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae.
No more the wooded hills, no more the breeze.
No more summer's dell and lost, the vales.

---

thanks for all the feedback this is the 1st edit

original.
A Passing

It carried scent of ferns, unfurled a smell
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oaks.
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow strokes
and wooed a hermit thrush that trilled along
on branch; its spotted breast so proud in song.
The parted bluebells swayed, within the glade
as chorused foxglove sang aloud in shade,
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its spell.

The years, like winds of old have bled away
and with them flew the softness of the trees.
now terracotta houses rise like sails.
and sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae.
No more the wooded hills, no more the breeze.
No more summer's dell, no more the vales.

---

i pronounce sewerage as sew ridge

I like the edit.
But "with them gone the softness of the trees"? Uggh. Please replace "gone" with a verb.

Also, I'm not too sure about winds being "cast away", but it's a lot better than "bled".

thanks for the feedback true, i'll do another edit in a week or two and see if i can utilize your suggestions

---

thanks brownlie, i'll keep you thoughts in mind when i do the next edit.

and i can't believe i left the half foot out again. i' have fixed that one point on the fly.

[tectak]

It bore a trace of fern, unfurled a smell A "....a scent"
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oaks. B
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow strokes B
and wooed a hermit thrush that trilled along C
a branch; its spotted breast so proud in song. C
The parted bluebells blushed within the glade D
as chorused foxglove sang inside the shade, D
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its spell. A "the mottled copse intoned its sad lament."

The years, like winds of old are cast away A
and with them, gone the softness of the trees. B
Now terracotta houses rise like sails C
and sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae. A
No more the wooded hills, no more the breeze. B
No more summer's dell and lost, the vales. C

---

thanks for all the feedback this is the 1st edit

original.
A Passing

It carried scent of ferns, unfurled a smell
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oaks.
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow strokes
and wooed a hermit thrush that trilled along
on branch; its spotted breast so proud in song.
The parted bluebells swayed, within the glade
as chorused foxglove sang aloud in shade,
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its spell.

The years, like winds of old have bled away
and with them flew the softness of the trees.
now terracotta houses rise like sails.
and sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae.
No more the wooded hills, no more the breeze.
No more summer's dell, no more the vales.

---

i pronounce sewerage as sew ridge

Billy,
For a rough-cut Rupert you have NAILED this one to the board. Of course, it IS my kind of thing but you have worked a weft of William into it that weaves in and out through the whole tapestry. It is quite beautiful and you should be suitably puffed up (as billies are wont to do).
Excellent edit and all credit to you....but I still don't like SMELL and its implication of unpleasantness. My suggestion is just that...a suggestion.
Best,
tectak

Hi billy,
presumably you want to keep your A to A intact and though musk gives you a deal of rhyming choices it is a little more animal than vegetable...if you get my drift. I only suggested the scent/lament because you had the somehow mournful "singing" in the wood so it fitted both the local and the global intent. You will make the right choice I am sure.
Best,
gectak

[billy]

if i change the the first A rhyme i'll change the last one as well so that would be a problem. and you could be right with musk. i'll let it stand a while and do an edit in a week or so

thanks for the input tom