Were you there yesterday, or was it me,
standing there in the spring like a row of corn
from a memory of that autumn day
you didn't come to see me on our birthday.
It was a broken ministry,
just your mother, your dad,
eternal undertaker in common Saturday,
and a host of other guests.
You smiled when I walked over,
wearing your black trousers, like me,
instead of your usual black skirts
that mimic your father's profession.
Handing out samples in a grocery store;
I guess when every girl's dream is to become a succubus,
the legitimate ones have to find legitimate work too.
So was it you? Everyone thought you were my sister,
except your parents, of course; and thank goodness for that.
Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to take you home
and let you steal so much of my soul.
Something your boyfriend has never had to offer.
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(07-18-2013, 01:26 AM)rowens Wrote: Were you there yesterday, or was it me,
standing there in the spring like a row of corn
from a memory of that autumn day
you didn't come to see me on our birthday.
It was a broken ministry,
just your mother, your dad,
eternal undertaker in common Saturday,
and a host of other guests.
You smiled when I walked over,
wearing your black trousers, like me,
instead of your usual black skirts
that mimic your father's profession.
Handing out samples in a grocery store; --That was a great line break
I guess when every girl's dream is to become a succubus,
the legitimate ones have to find legitimate work too.
So was it you? Everyone thought you were my sister,
except your parents, of course; and thank goodness for that.
Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to take you home
and let you steal so much of my soul. -- Would get rid of soul and show what a soul is in images or make her steal something tangible.
Something your boyfriend has never had to offer.
I would suggest not using grand abstractions like soul, but you had some good line breaks in this one. Nicely done.
My soul is very tangible, you should ask her.
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07-18-2013, 07:48 AM
(This post was last modified: 07-18-2013, 07:49 AM by billy.)
i think it's prose like for the most part but an enjoyable to read.
i have very little constructive feedback to give because if it were altered too much it would lose it's coldness in the last stanza.
thanks for the read.
(07-18-2013, 01:26 AM)rowens Wrote: Were you there yesterday, or was it me,
standing there in the spring like a row of corn
from a memory of that autumn day
you didn't come to see me on our birthday.i think i get what you're saying but the wording make me stop too long in order to work it out.
It was a broken ministry,
just your mother, your dad,
eternal undertaker in common Saturday, is Saturday a place?
and a host of other guests. i'm not sure [a host], does [just] in the 2nd line of this stanza any good
You smiled when I walked over,
wearing your black trousers, like me,
instead of your usual black skirts
that mimic your father's profession.
Handing out samples in a grocery store;
I guess when every girl's dream is to become a succubus,
the legitimate ones have to find legitimate work too.
So was it you? Everyone thought you were my sister,
except your parents, of course; and thank goodness for that.
Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to take you home
and let you steal so much of my soul.
Something your boyfriend has never had to offer.
I guess it would be silly to elaborate on my intentions in this section.
I glad you looked it over.
Posts: 1,568
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Joined: Jun 2011
If you did elaborate... would you reveal that this is actually a romance between two ticks living on the back of a golden retriever?
It could be worse
Now who's commenting on comments in the Serious section? I thought I was just supposed to read the comments and then move on.
Posts: 1,568
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Oops... I actually thought we were in the Pig's Arse... you got me 
It could be worse
I was just waiting to see if any others had thoughts without me saying things.
You're welcome to move it to the Pig's Arse if you think that would be best.
The site's been slow these last two days though.
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(07-18-2013, 01:26 AM)rowens Wrote: Were you there yesterday, or was it me,
standing there in the spring like a row of corn
from a memory of that autumn day
you didn't come to see me on our birthday. For me, the tortured syntax and grammar don't work at all. I feel like I can kind of piece it together but it is a lot of unrewarding work.
standing 'there' ? Where? In the Spring? Since you can't stand in a season, I guess your narrator is standing in a creek, but I never really figure out why and it becomes irrelevant pretty quick.
"like a row of corn from a memory" is a decent image but here "like" and "memory" collaborate to make it as weak as possible.
The last line claims N's object did not come to N's birthday, but the next stanza they are there.
Quote:It was a broken ministry,
just your mother, your dad,
eternal undertaker in common Saturday,
and a host of other guests.
once again, the inattention to basic grammar makes this a chore. because you start the list with "your mother, your dad, " and then mention "the eternal undertaker" it becomes 3 people even though I don't think that is what you intend. I am also unsure how this undertaker became eternal. Maybe they are a zombie undertaker or some kind of immortal, but there is never clarification.
"host of other guests" is pretty weak.
Quote:You smiled when I walked over,
wearing your black trousers, like me,
instead of your usual black skirts
that mimic your father's profession.
Because of your inattention to grammar this reads like N is wearing ND's black trousers instead of her skirts like (he?) normally does. (He?) is wearing these black trousers, it seems, in the same way that he wears them. (?) I have no idea what her father's profession is, but I assume it is something that involves wearing black skirts which should limit the options I suppose. Quote:Handing out samples in a grocery store;
I guess when every girl's dream is to become a succubus,
the legitimate ones have to find legitimate work too.
So was it you? Everyone thought you were my sister,
Who is handing out samples here? "I guess" is pretty weak. Why is N suddenly assuming every girl's dream is to be a succubus? How does a succubus become legitimate? "the legitimate ones have to find legitimate work too" is wordy, awkward and unpoetic. What is the importance of the line about her being confused with N's sister? This idea is never really developed. Also, the scene is hopping all over the place. Are we still in the grocery store? At the strange birthday party with the eternal undertaker and the skirt wearing dad? I don't know. Quote:except your parents, of course; and thank goodness for that.
Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to take you home
and let you steal so much of my soul.
Something your boyfriend has never had to offer.
if it is "except your parents of course" then there is no real need to mention it, is there? "Otherwise" should be contrasting something but it isn't. Otherwise is a pretty poor choice in any poem anyway.
"Steal my soul" is a tawdry cliche. The penultimate line about ND's boyfriend seems wordy, inefficient and pointless. When did this poem become a love triangle?
The narrative is disjointed, wordy and in the end pointless. It reads more like some stoned rant than a poem.
Thanks for posting.
Are these rhetorical questions?
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(07-19-2013, 06:39 AM)rowens Wrote: Are these rhetorical questions?
in that they demonstrate a clarity problem and that I don't care about the answers, yes. Use them to improve the overall delivery. Or not.
I'll think about the clarity. Awkwardness and carelessness in phrasing is something that I find necessary. I use these critique sections to see what happens. But not often
The butchered grammar, I don't know.
I'm thinking about it all.
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(07-19-2013, 06:59 AM)rowens Wrote: I'll think about the clarity. Awkwardness and carelessness in phrasing is something that I find necessary. I use these critique sections to see what happens. But not often
The butchered grammar, I don't know.
I'm thinking about it all.
happy to help.
It does help.
But at the same time, I have to make decisions about whether I want to stop lacerating myself with my awkward techniques.
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quite inspiring poem. i love how the groundskeepers daughter symbolizes the catch of hearts.
Have you ever thought about doing a part 2?
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
--mark twain
Bunx
It's probably part 100+ by now.
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(07-18-2013, 01:26 AM)rowens Wrote: Were you there yesterday, or was it me,
standing there in the spring like a row of corn
from a memory of that autumn day
you didn't come to see me on our birthday.
It was a broken ministry,
just your mother, your dad,
eternal undertaker in common Saturday,
and a host of other guests.
You smiled when I walked over,
wearing your black trousers, like me,
instead of your usual black skirts
that mimic your father's profession.
Handing out samples in a grocery store; -maybe removing the word "grocery" would sound better
I guess when every girl's dream is to become a succubus,
the legitimate ones have to find legitimate work too. -use a word other than legitimate. It sounds off putting with the flow.
So was it you? Everyone thought you were my sister,
except your parents, of course; and thank goodness for that. -Capitalise 'E'
Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to take you home
and let you steal so much of my soul. -I have to agree with Brownlie that you have to get rid of "soul" and use imagery to show what that soul is to make the stealing more tangible
Something your boyfriend has never had to offer.
Impressive poem otherwise.
I'll see what I can do next time. As I usually write the same poem over and over until it becomes another
Posts: 2,602
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(07-18-2013, 01:26 AM)rowens Wrote: Were you there yesterday, or was it me,
standing there in the spring like a row of corn
from a memory of that autumn day
you didn't come to see me on our birthday.Believe it or not, you still need a question mark here even though I have forgotten what the question was. A solid opener, here, rowens...in calculated intent, if not in absolute clarity. The "there...there" rankles but it serves to distract from the twisted syntax of "Were you there yesterday....from a memory of that autumn day....." Even a full stop after "day" would help to add meaning rather than add complexity.
It was a broken ministry, You may be subtle, but I am an old boy. I didn't need to google "broken ministry" to check it's cliche rating ( low due to stigma) Respect. Full stop after ministry. It is complete unto itself.
just your mother, your dad,[/b]New sentence here?
eternal undertaker in common Saturday,[b] Surely not? Full stop after "common" then you get this:
"just your mother, your dad,
eternal undertaker in common.
Saturday; and a host of other guests." or not?
You smiled when I walked over,
wearing your black trousers, like me,I shot an elephant in my pyjamas, I believe. You were wearing her black trousers? Leave out "your" and all is well. Alternatively, "I smiled when you walked over, wearing black trousers, like me..." otherwise you just shot two elephants in your pyjamas.
instead of your usual black skirts
that mimic your father's profession.In fact....forget it. Just rewrite this whole stanza...I don't know who is wearing what and not sure it matters
Handing out samples in a grocery store;
I guess when every girl's dream is to become a succubus,It was such a great line break I am adrift. There is, again, a very interesting subtlety in dreaming of becoming a succubus. It is almost a Klein jar thought! I like it but I don't get it
the legitimate ones have to find legitimate work too.
So was it you? Everyone thought you were my sister,
except your parents, of course; and thank goodness for that.
Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to take you home
and let you steal so much of my soul.
Something your boyfriend has never had to offer.
Hi rowens,
It got a bit anal at the end but where better to get anal? Overall, there is a kind of loose-bowelled motion to this. Like somebody shivering after a litre of lactulose. I think it needs tightening up if only to prevent it sounding like a homage to a hidden love in the style of Alice's Restaurant.
Best,
tectak
[quote='tectak' pid='133916' dateline='1374678420']
[quote='rowens' pid='132915' dateline='1374078386']
Were you there yesterday, or was it me,
standing there in the spring like a row of corn
from a memory of that autumn day
you didn't come to see me on our birthday.Believe it or not, you still need a question mark here even though I have forgotten what the question was. A solid opener, here, rowens...in calculated intent, if not in absolute clarity. The "there...there" rankles but it serves to distract from the twisted syntax of "Were you there yesterday....from a memory of that autumn day....." Even a full stop after "day" would help to add meaning rather than add complexity.
It was a broken ministry, You may be subtle, but I am an old boy. I didn't need to google "broken ministry" to check it's cliche rating ( low due to stigma) Respect. Full stop after ministry. It is complete unto itself.
just your mother, your dad,[/b]New sentence here?
eternal undertaker in common Saturday,[b] Surely not? Full stop after "common" then you get this:
"just your mother, your dad,
eternal undertaker in common.
Saturday; and a host of other guests." or not?
You smiled when I walked over,
wearing your black trousers, like me,I shot an elephant in my pyjamas, I believe. You were wearing her black trousers? Leave out "your" and all is well. Alternatively, "I smiled when you walked over, wearing black trousers, like me..." otherwise you just shot two elephants in your pyjamas.
instead of your usual black skirts
that mimic your father's profession.In fact....forget it. Just rewrite this whole stanza...I don't know who is wearing what and not sure it matters
Handing out samples in a grocery store;
I guess when every girl's dream is to become a succubus,It was such a great line break I am adrift. There is, again, a very interesting subtlety in dreaming of becoming a succubus. It is almost a Klein jar thought! I like it but I don't get it
the legitimate ones have to find legitimate work too.
So was it you? Everyone thought you were my sister,
except your parents, of course; and thank goodness for that.
Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to take you home
and let you steal so much of my soul.
Something your boyfriend has never had to offer.
Hi rowens,
It got a bit anal at the end but where better to get anal? Overall, there is a kind of loose-bowelled motion to this. Like somebody shivering after a litre of lactulose. I think it needs tightening up if only to prevent it sounding like a homage to a hidden love in the style of Alice's Restaurant.
Best,
tectak
(07-18-2013, 01:26 AM)rowens Wrote: quote='rowens' pid='132915' dateline='1374078386']
Sorry for the bizarre methodology in this crit, rowens, but it won't let me post it any other way. The empty crit box is a symptom of something technical.
Were you there yesterday, or was it me,
standing there in the spring like a row of corn
from a memory of that autumn day
you didn't come to see me on our birthday.Believe it or not, you still need a question mark here even though I have forgotten what the question was. A solid opener, here, rowens...in calculated intent, if not in absolute clarity. The "there...there" rankles but it serves to distract from the twisted syntax of "Were you there yesterday....from a memory of that autumn day....." Even a full stop after "day" would help to add meaning rather than add complexity.
It was a broken ministry, You may be subtle, but I am an old boy. I didn't need to google "broken ministry" to check it's cliche rating ( low due to stigma) Respect. Full stop after ministry. It is complete unto itself.
just your mother, your dad,[/b]New sentence here?
eternal undertaker in common Saturday,[b] Surely not? Full stop after "common" then you get this:
"just your mother, your dad,
eternal undertaker in common.
Saturday; and a host of other guests." or not?
You smiled when I walked over,
wearing your black trousers, like me,I shot an elephant in my pyjamas, I believe. You were wearing her black trousers? Leave out "your" and all is well. Alternatively, "I smiled when you walked over, wearing black trousers, like me..." otherwise you just shot two elephants in your pyjamas.
instead of your usual black skirts
that mimic your father's profession.In fact....forget it. Just rewrite this whole stanza...I don't know who is wearing what and not sure it matters
Handing out samples in a grocery store;
I guess when every girl's dream is to become a succubus,It was such a great line break I am adrift. There is, again, a very interesting subtlety in dreaming of becoming a succubus. It is almost a Klein jar thought! I like it but I don't get it
the legitimate ones have to find legitimate work too.
So was it you? Everyone thought you were my sister,
except your parents, of course; and thank goodness for that.
Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to take you home
and let you steal so much of my soul.
Something your boyfriend has never had to offer.
Hi rowens,
It got a bit anal at the end but where better to get anal? Overall, there is a kind of loose-bowelled motion to this. Like somebody shivering after a litre of lactulose. I think it needs tightening up if only to prevent it sounding like a homage to a hidden love in the style of Alice's Restaurant.
Best,
tectak
[quote='tectak' pid='133916' dateline='1374678420']
[quote='rowens' pid='132915' dateline='1374078386']
Were you there yesterday, or was it me,
standing there in the spring like a row of corn
from a memory of that autumn day
you didn't come to see me on our birthday.Believe it or not, you still need a question mark here even though I have forgotten what the question was. A solid opener, here, rowens...in calculated intent, if not in absolute clarity. The "there...there" rankles but it serves to distract from the twisted syntax of "Were you there yesterday....from a memory of that autumn day....." Even a full stop after "day" would help to add meaning rather than add complexity.
It was a broken ministry, You may be subtle, but I am an old boy. I didn't need to google "broken ministry" to check it's cliche rating ( low due to stigma) Respect. Full stop after ministry. It is complete unto itself.
just your mother, your dad,[/b]New sentence here?
eternal undertaker in common Saturday,[b] Surely not? Full stop after "common" then you get this:
"just your mother, your dad,
eternal undertaker in common.
Saturday; and a host of other guests." or not?
You smiled when I walked over,
wearing your black trousers, like me,I shot an elephant in my pyjamas, I believe. You were wearing her black trousers? Leave out "your" and all is well. Alternatively, "I smiled when you walked over, wearing black trousers, like me..." otherwise you just shot two elephants in your pyjamas.
instead of your usual black skirts
that mimic your father's profession.In fact....forget it. Just rewrite this whole stanza...I don't know who is wearing what and not sure it matters
Handing out samples in a grocery store;
I guess when every girl's dream is to become a succubus,It was such a great line break I am adrift. There is, again, a very interesting subtlety in dreaming of becoming a succubus. It is almost a Klein jar thought! I like it but I don't get it
the legitimate ones have to find legitimate work too.
So was it you? Everyone thought you were my sister,
except your parents, of course; and thank goodness for that.
Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to take you home
and let you steal so much of my soul.
Something your boyfriend has never had to offer.
Hi rowens,
It got a bit anal at the end but where better to get anal? Overall, there is a kind of loose-bowelled motion to this. Like somebody shivering after a litre of lactulose. I think it needs tightening up if only to prevent it sounding like a homage to a hidden love in the style of Alice's Restaurant.
Best,
tectak
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