Aftermath

[Fred-Flossy]

In sunken meadows of silken shade
Onyx waters spear depths of jade.
Darting smears of cream and gold
Throng the air as wings unfold.
Quivering waves off sun-soaked grass,
Trembling dust as bright as brass,
Fleeting arcs of shivering spawn,
Yawning cries of guttural horns.

Beneath this sky of falling calls,
Over the shards of cracked lime walls,
Across the splinters of rosy steel,
Beside the beached and barnacled keels;
Sun-bleached eyes wear drowsy frowns,
Taut, dark skin framed with sandy crowns.
Sinew strings frayed and half submerged,
Blood rust blades lie scarred and scourged,
Illium’s sons embrace the earth;
One man’s lust, ten thousand cursed.
Memories weathered by warm, dark tides,
Faded flags cloak tattered hides.

Silvered oak, parched with blistered skin
Juts sharply out beneath these kin,
Till fingered by the surging tide
It casts the weary shore aside
And slips away toward the sky,
As iridescent eyes slide by.

Fractal streams flash 6 feet deep;
Above silent lights, the sea retreats.

[Keith]

Hi FF
You have capture this coastal scene very well with some great aliteration, I particularly enjoyed the feel of flighing you manage to convey, passing over fields and beach to ocean and the turning tide. Not sure how well the capitalised lines work some with stops, some without, this just seem to distract me as a reader and broke the otherwise lush, colourful flow of your lines.

In sunken meadows of silken shade
Onyx waters spear depths of jade.
Darting smears of cream and gold
Throng the air as wings unfold.
Quivering waves off sun-soaked grass,
Trembling dust as bright as brass,
Fleeting arcs of shivering spawn, not sure about spawn it fells a bit out of placeYawning cries of guttural horns. Great line provides the reader with an image of the animal sound that drifts over fields.

Beneath this sky of falling calls,
Over the shards of cracked lime walls,
Across the splinters of rosy steel,
Beside the beached and barnacled keels;
Sun-bleached eyes wear drowsy frowns, enjoyed this childlike portrial of end of day beachinessTaut, dark skin framed with sandy crowns.
Sinew strings frayed and half submerged,
Blood rust blades lie scarred and scourged,
Illium’s sons embrace the earth;
One man’s lust, ten thousand cursed.
Memories weathered by warm, dark tides, is the fisrt comma needed? great line.Faded flags cloak tattered hides.

Silvered oak, parched with blistered skin
Juts sharply out beneath these kin,
Till fingered by the surging tide
It casts the weary shore aside these two lines are my favourite for the image alone that final departure of the sea when it seem to suddenly disappear.And slips away toward the sky,
As iridescent eyes slide by.

Fractal streams flash 6 feet deep;
Above silent lights, the sea retreats. Not sure you need these lines.

A great read Fred F hope my comments help a bit. TOMH

[tectak]

In sunken meadows of silken shade
Onyx waters spear depths of jade.
Darting smears of cream and gold
Throng the air as wings unfold.
Quivering waves off sun-soaked grass,
Trembling dust as bright as brass,
Fleeting arcs of shivering spawn,
Yawning cries of guttural horns.

Beneath this sky of falling calls,
Over the shards of cracked lime walls,
Across the splinters of rosy steel,
Beside the beached and barnacled keels;
Sun-bleached eyes wear drowsy frowns,
Taut, dark skin framed with sandy crowns.
Sinew strings frayed and half submerged,
Blood rust blades lie scarred and scourged,
Illium’s sons embrace the earth;
One man’s lust, ten thousand cursed.
Memories weathered by warm, dark tides,
Faded flags cloak tattered hides.

Silvered oak, parched with blistered skin
Juts sharply out beneath these kin,
Till fingered by the surging tide
It casts the weary shore aside
And slips away toward the sky,
As iridescent eyes slide by.

Fractal streams flash 6 feet deep;
Above silent lights, the sea retreats.

Hi,
This is worthy.
Would you like it moved to the workshopping forum for a good mauling?
It stands strong on it's own feet but it would benefit from a little tweaking.
Just say if you want to give it a go.
Best,
tectak

[milo]

In sunken meadows of silken shade
Onyx waters spear depths of jade.
Darting smears of cream and gold
Throng the air as wings unfold.
Quivering waves off sun-soaked grass,
Trembling dust as bright as brass,
Fleeting arcs of shivering spawn,
Yawning cries of guttural horns.

Beneath this sky of falling calls,
Over the shards of cracked lime walls,
Across the splinters of rosy steel,
Beside the beached and barnacled keels;
Sun-bleached eyes wear drowsy frowns,
Taut, dark skin framed with sandy crowns.
Sinew strings frayed and half submerged,
Blood rust blades lie scarred and scourged,
Illium’s sons embrace the earth;
One man’s lust, ten thousand cursed.
Memories weathered by warm, dark tides,
Faded flags cloak tattered hides.

Silvered oak, parched with blistered skin
Juts sharply out beneath these kin,
Till fingered by the surging tide
It casts the weary shore aside
And slips away toward the sky,
As iridescent eyes slide by.

Fractal streams flash 6 feet deep;
Above silent lights, the sea retreats.

The word "of" is used way too many times. Generally, of should be used sparingly as it is a word that disconnects the reader from the immediacy of an image. I would go through and see how many you can eliminate.

[Fred-Flossy]

Thanks for the feedback guys, it’s really appreciated

@ tectak - I’d be more than happy for this to be moved for “good mauling”! As my 1st real attempt at poetry I need all the pointers I can get

@ fogglethorpe - thanks I agree the last couplet is unneeded and will remove it; it adds nothing. I went with 1st letter caps for a few reasons, although i certainly see the benefits of going with more standardised styling. Appreciate the comments, thankyou

@ milo - I hadn’t noticed until you pointed this out. it’s a good point and now seems obvious, I’ll keep this in mind with any future work, appreciate the critique, thankyou