Lessoning Trust

[Vistaldust]

Lessoning Trust

Drops of rain then the splash of you
enters my mind like a loaded fist,
where alone is a feeling I can't undo,
floating free in a mountain of mist.

Enchantment fed me sweets of deceit
in a bed of sheets covered with snow,
crying out in whispers, "don't retreat",
stealing arrows from Cupid's bow.

The good ones play quiet and flaunt with care;
such orchids are shy in their bloom.
Others are spiders with webs that snare,
holding court in corners of rooms.

Wisdom is pain that pierces a hole
in a heart when it ventures to dare.
In her bed on a pillow my head lays low,
where my dreams tell my soul to beware.

[Brownlie]

Been meaning to get to your poem for awhile now I am finally getting around to it.

Lessoning Trust

Drops of rain then the splash of you
enters my mind like a loaded fist,
where alone is a feeling I can't undo,
floating free in a mountain of mist.

Enchantment fed me sweets of deceit
in a bed of sheets covered with snow,
crying out in whispers, "don't retreat",
stealing arrows from Cupid's bow. -- Cupid arrow is a cliché don't know if you had that in mind when you wrote the piece.

The good ones play quiet and flaunt with care;
such orchids are shy in their bloom.
Others are spiders with webs that snare,
holding court in corners of rooms. --I like the sentiment but the being caught in a web of deceit is also a bit clichéd.

Wisdom is pain that pierces a hole -I believe this thought could be written better with more vivid imagery, I believe there is something there.
in a heart when it ventures to dare.
In her bed on a pillow my head lays low,
where my dreams tell my soul to beware. -- Serious poetry is usually more effective if it is done with more subtlety.

I like the idea of deceptive courting because some people use other people and hurt them, but I would guide the reader to that conclusion without them being aware that they were being shown that idea. I think if you get really serious about writing there is a good chance it will turn out to be good.

[Vistaldust]

Thanks, Brownlie.

[rowens]

Lessoning like a lesson being learned, or lessening like lessening?

[Vistaldust]

I combined it to mean trust is lessening, and there is also a lesson to be learned.

[rowens]

I guess that can work. You can check your Welcome poem one more time.

[Vistaldust]

And one more thing, Mr. Brownlie, I already am serious about writing. I just seriously suck at the moment.....but wait...you just wait. I am a Phoenix rising, and I will make something of this poem, and then you and the world will see how one poem could alter the course of the universe......not really, but it sounds ambitious, doesn't it!

---

---

I guess that can work. You can check your Welcome poem one more time.

Rowens, you've been good at watching my back, and I appreciate it, but I'm trying to find the fuck-up in the other poem and my inexperience is blinding me.....punctuation?

---

And one more thing, Mr. Brownlie, I already am serious about writing. I just seriously suck at the moment.....but wait...you just wait. I am a Phoenix rising, and I will make something of this poem, and then you and the world will see how one poem could alter the course of the universe......not really, but it sounds ambitious, doesn't it!

---

---

I guess that can work. You can check your Welcome poem one more time.

Rowens, you've been good at watching my back, and I appreciate it, but I'm trying to find the fuck-up in the other poem and my inexperience is blinding me.....punctuation?

Ok, I think I corrected it

---

Been meaning to get to your poem for awhile now I am finally getting around to it.

Lessoning Trust

Drops of rain then the splash of you
enters my mind like a loaded fist,
where alone is a feeling I can't undo,
floating free in a mountain of mist.

Enchantment fed me sweets of deceit
in a bed of sheets covered with snow,
crying out in whispers, "don't retreat",
stealing arrows from Cupid's bow. -- Cupid arrow is a cliché don't know if you had that in mind when you wrote the piece.

The good ones play quiet and flaunt with care;
such orchids are shy in their bloom.
Others are spiders with webs that snare,
holding court in corners of rooms. --I like the sentiment but the being caught in a web of deceit is also a bit clichéd.

Wisdom is pain that pierces a hole -I believe this thought could be written better with more vivid imagery, I believe there is something there.
in a heart when it ventures to dare.
In her bed on a pillow my head lays low,
where my dreams tell my soul to beware. -- Serious poetry is usually more effective if it is done with more subtlety.

I like the idea of deceptive courting because some people use other people and hurt them, but I would guide the reader to that conclusion without them being aware that they were being shown that idea. I think if you get really serious about writing there is a good chance it will turn out to be good.

I'm going to follow your suggestions and rework this with more subtlety and more surprise.

[billy]

i think it reads okay yet it lacks something. some of the images are okay but aren't tied to anything of substance.

where alone is a feeling i can't undo

why use [where] what does the line mean? alone is a feeling, what feeling. alone is standing in a bucket of shit upside down while have diarrhoea in perpetuity alone like a leper outside his colony

another one is

Enchantment fed me sweets of deceit

while it creates good assonance further on in the verse, what is it saying?

thanks for the read.

Lessoning Trust

Drops of rain then the splash of you comma after rain i thing unless the rain also entered you head. (i think)
enters my mind like a loaded fist,
where alone is a feeling I can't undo, weak line
floating free in a mountain of mist.

Enchantment fed me sweets of deceit
in a bed of sheets covered with snow,
crying out in whispers, "don't retreat",
stealing arrows from Cupid's bow. some good assonance in this verse.

The good ones play quiet and flaunt with care;
such orchids are shy in their bloom.
Others are spiders with webs that snare,
holding court in corners of rooms.

Wisdom is pain that pierces a hole
in a heart when it ventures to dare.
In her bed on a pillow my head lays low,
where my dreams tell my soul to beware.

[Vistaldust]

i think it reads okay yet it lacks something. some of the images are okay but aren't tied to anything of substance.

where alone is a feeling i can't undo

why use [where] what does the line mean? alone is a feeling, what feeling. alone is standing in a bucket of shit upside down while have diarrhoea in perpetuity alone like a leper outside his colony

another one is

Enchantment fed me sweets of deceit

while it creates good assonance further on in the verse, what is it saying?

thanks for the read.

Lessoning Trust

Drops of rain then the splash of you comma after rain i thing unless the rain also entered you head. (i think)
enters my mind like a loaded fist,
where alone is a feeling I can't undo, weak line
floating free in a mountain of mist.

Enchantment fed me sweets of deceit
in a bed of sheets covered with snow,
crying out in whispers, "don't retreat",
stealing arrows from Cupid's bow. some good assonance in this verse.

The good ones play quiet and flaunt with care;
such orchids are shy in their bloom.
Others are spiders with webs that snare,
holding court in corners of rooms.

Wisdom is pain that pierces a hole
in a heart when it ventures to dare.
In her bed on a pillow my head lays low,
where my dreams tell my soul to beware.

Thanks, billy. I'm reworking this poem. I'm beginning to learn that I am sacrificing substance when I work too hard to fit a word choice for a rhyme, among other things.