Time Heels

[TRLustig]

A now old foe from a bygone day,
crossed my path as I walked my way;
the clash of steel, the ring of war,
the blood pumping in my ears once more.

It was good to cross his path again,
the war long dead, greeted as a friend.
My blade still sings of our glory days,
when we danced the dance as predator and prey.

With a nod of the head and a twitch of the wrist,
the memory of weight that once hung from my hip,
we went on our way, towards our own true fight,
to walk form life's bright day to night,
and wage the war that no man wins,
against time itself, and winter's cold winds.

[tectak]

A now old foe from a bygone day, crossed my path as I went my way; the clash of steel, the ring of war, the blood pumping in my ears once more.

It was good to cross his path again, the war long dead, greeted as a friend. My blade still sings of our glory days, when we danced the dance as predator and pray.

With a nod of the head and a twitch of the wrist, the memory of weight that once hung from my hip, we went on our way, towards our own true fight, to walk form life's bright day to night, and wage the war that no man wins, against time itself, and winter's cold winds.

Your spelling mistakes are too pronounced to be wordplay so I suggest that first of all you correct them, forum rules, then remove all cliches.
time HEALS
bygone day
crossed my path
went my way
went on our way
clash of steel
blood pumping in my ears
greeted as a friend
glory days
PREY
danced the dance (and no, walk the walk is no substitute)
nod of the head
day to night
wage the war
winter's cold winds.

Remove all the above and you will have a very terse verse...but unique
Alternatively, repost in mild...but do one or the other.
Keep writing,
Best,
tectak

[TRLustig]

Im definitely pretty lesdyxic... I mean dyslexic with the spelling mistakes, lol, I will fix them now, the cliches, on the other hand will have to stay, cest le vie. thanks for the effort and insight.

[billy]

hi trlustig.
i see two main problems: cliche of which there are a lot, and meter which is erratic, if you can exchange most of the cliche for more original phrases and sort out a constant meter you'd have a great starting point for the small edits most poetry needs. the end rhymes are almost spot on, though the last verse needs some work in that respect. some help with basic meter can be found here

thanks for the read.

A now old foe from a bygone day,
crossed my path as I walked my way;
the clash of steel, the ring of war,
the blood pumping in my ears once more.

It was good to cross his path again,
the war long dead, greeted as a friend.
My blade still sings of our glory days,
when we danced the dance as predator and prey.

With a nod of the head and a twitch of the wrist,
the memory of weight that once hung from my hip,
we went on our way, towards our own true fight,
to walk form life's bright day to night, did you mean from
and wage the war that no man wins,
against time itself, and winter's cold winds.

[tectak]

Im definitely pretty lesdyxic... I mean dyslexic with the spelling mistakes, lol, I will fix them now, the cliches, on the other hand will have to stay, cest le vie. thanks for the effort and insight.

Then it is au revoir from Serious Crit. How can anyone "seriously crit" a piece locked so tightly with the jigsawed words of a plethora of poetic precursors that there is not a crack or fissure left in which to stick words of your own?
I'm unable.
Best,
tectak

[TRLustig]

Im definitely pretty lesdyxic... I mean dyslexic with the spelling mistakes, lol, I will fix them now, the cliches, on the other hand will have to stay, cest le vie. thanks for the effort and insight.

Then it is au revoir from Serious Crit. How can anyone "seriously crit" a piece locked so tightly with the jigsawed words of a plethora of poetic precursors that there is not a crack or fissure left in which to stick words of your own?
I'm unable.
Best,
tectak

I'll give it a try, but there turns out to be so many cliches that they might be hardwired in, I appreciate the insight, will see what I can do, but in the mean time will probably write a new one on your advice before I take the scalpel or machete to this one.

[tectak]

Im definitely pretty lesdyxic... I mean dyslexic with the spelling mistakes, lol, I will fix them now, the cliches, on the other hand will have to stay, cest le vie. thanks for the effort and insight.

Then it is au revoir from Serious Crit. How can anyone "seriously crit" a piece locked so tightly with the jigsawed words of a plethora of poetic precursors that there is not a crack or fissure left in which to stick words of your own?
I'm unable.
Best,
tectak

I'll give it a try, but there turns out to be so many cliches that they might be hardwired in, I appreciate the insight, will see what I can do, but in the mean time will probably write a new one on your advice before I take the scalpel or machete to this one.

You are a good egg.Keep writing.
Best,
tectak

[TRLustig]

roger wilco