Still a Caterpillar

[Vistaldust]

"Still a Caterpillar"

I sat in the corner of the corridor
Crying eternal tears.
The janitor came to mop them
Up, as if a dog just sprayed
On the floor.

They said twenty laps around
The circular hallway was a mile.
I never tried to walk it.
Besides, the Ativan and Haldol
Make the effort of counting
Nearly impossible.

Some pretty nurse interns try to
Pry me from my coma.
They wanted me to play a board
Game with them.
They might try to get to know me.
New shame

Everyone gets to leave
With a new label.
Some people get re stamped.
I seek a better bargain than that.
There are new engineers working
On the machinery.

Self-induced exorcisms happen daily.
Sometimes the holy water feels
Like my own sweat.
What do they care if I'm playing the
Role of Uriah Heep.
We're all skeletons dancing
In the mud.

[milo]

"Still a Caterpillar"

I sat in the corner of the corridor corridor's don't really have corners (don't argue this with semantics please)
Crying eternal tears. this is an awful phrase. what is the difference between eternal tears and transient tears? nothing. in fact, since pretty much all crying involves tears, I would strip the eternal and tears right out.


The janitor came to mop them
Up, as if a dog just sprayed
On the floor.

Your line breaks are pretty bad, I am not sure what criteria you are using but I feel it might involve a blind fold and a pair of dice. The awkward wordiness of the above 3 lines could be:

The janitor mopped them up
as if a dog sprayed.

They said twenty laps around Now you have "they", but who are they?
The circular hallway was a mile.
I never tried to walk it.
Besides, the Ativan and Haldol
Make the effort of counting
Nearly impossible.

Once again with the annoying linebreaks! What are words like "besides", "the effort" and "nearly" adding here? Poetry needs to be condensed.

Some pretty nurse interns try to
Pry me from my coma.
They wanted me to play a board
Game with them.
They might try to get to know me.
New shame

Seriously with the line breaks!!! Stop it already. This whole section is unadulterated prose, BTW.

Some pretty nurse interns try to Pry me from my coma. They wanted me to play a board Game with them. They might try to get to know me.
New shame

Not just the wordiness, either. The phrasing is awkward and dull as dried mud.


Everyone gets to leave
With a new label.
Some people get re stamped.
I seek a better bargain than that.
There are new engineers working
On the machinery.

Everyone leaves
with a new label. Some are re-stamped.
I want a better bargain. New engineers work
On the machinery.

hopefully you see the difference. the break on "leaves" here, sets up tension, an expectation and a double meaning. "Better bargain" just doesn't work no matter what I do with it, but I didn't want to rewrite it. Words like "gets to", "Some" "get" "seek" "There are" Are just weak, wordy and add nothing



Self-induced exorcisms happen daily. This line right here is the only reason for reading this poem. It is wordy and awkward but the concept is ok.
Sometimes the holy water feels
Like my own sweat.
What do they care if I'm playing the
Role of Uriah Heep.
We're all skeletons dancing
In the mud.

You continue along with the wordiness, the bad line breaks and the awkwardness.

As a whole, the imagery and the idea are fine, you have some nice metaphor and symbolism but you need to focus on your use of words, sounds and line breaks. This whole thing should be stripped down to the bare bones and re-written from the ground up.

Thanks for posting.

milo

[tectak]

"Still a Caterpillar"
Hi vista,
Look, first if all, you MUST respect the forum an take care of simple errors...if you cannot see them, you should post in mild or novice where you will get more basic help. Nonetheless, if you wish to improve, crit is one way. So here goes.

I sat in the corner of the corridor
Crying eternal tears.
The janitor came to mop them
Up, as if a dog just sprayed
On the floor. Stop capitalising every line. It is retro, affectacious, confusing and schoolboyish. This opening stanza just scrapes by syntax-wise but you are close to a disconnect by separating the dog spray from the "eternal tears" by the interjection of the janitor.

They said twenty laps around Who they? A disconnect. You have not mentioned them before.
The circular hallway was a mile.Was it? And what is it now? Be specific and precise. This is serious crit.
I never tried to walk it. So what, one asks. Why mention it?
Besides, the Ativan and Haldol
Make the effort of counting
Nearly impossible. Oh bugger. Not more drug-dirge. Have you any idea how boring this becomes. Lighten up and write better.This is a poetry site not a drop-in centre

Some pretty nurse interns try to Well, I am bored by the subject but if you must
Pry me from my coma. This is actually worthy. I like the mechanism as described
They wanted me to play a board "Try to" and "wanted to" is a tense mismatch. Tried to.
Game with them.
They might try to get to know me.
New shame Full stop. Good observation and follow through. You could write on something else and I would read it.

Everyone gets to leave
With a new label.
Some people get re stamped.
I seek a better bargain than that.
There are new engineers working
On the machinery. Well, poetry it ain't. What can I say. This is just a monologue. Line breaks are random and there is no hint of meter.

Self-induced exorcisms happen daily.
Sometimes the holy water feels
Like my own sweat.
What do they care if I'm playing the
Role of Uriah Heep.
We're all skeletons dancing
In the mud. Now this will be controversial, but this stanza is complete and self-satisfied. I would ditch everything else. Unusually, you get into your stride late. Shame

Overall, a good piece. The drugs cliche is just mundane. Write about it if you must...but give yourself credibility and respect...write about something else. It has all been
mauled before.
Best,
tectak[/b]

[Vistaldust]

"Still a Caterpillar"

I sat in the corner of the corridor corridor's don't really have corners (don't argue this with semantics please)
Crying eternal tears. this is an awful phrase. what is the difference between eternal tears and transient tears? nothing. in fact, since pretty much all crying involves tears, I would strip the eternal and tears right out.


The janitor came to mop them
Up, as if a dog just sprayed
On the floor.

Your line breaks are pretty bad, I am not sure what criteria you are using but I feel it might involve a blind fold and a pair of dice. The awkward wordiness of the above 3 lines could be:

The janitor mopped them up
as if a dog sprayed.

They said twenty laps around Now you have "they", but who are they?
The circular hallway was a mile.
I never tried to walk it.
Besides, the Ativan and Haldol
Make the effort of counting
Nearly impossible.

Once again with the annoying linebreaks! What are words like "besides", "the effort" and "nearly" adding here? Poetry needs to be condensed.

Some pretty nurse interns try to
Pry me from my coma.
They wanted me to play a board
Game with them.
They might try to get to know me.
New shame

Seriously with the line breaks!!! Stop it already. This whole section is unadulterated prose, BTW.

Some pretty nurse interns try to Pry me from my coma. They wanted me to play a board Game with them. They might try to get to know me.
New shame

Not just the wordiness, either. The phrasing is awkward and dull as dried mud.


Everyone gets to leave
With a new label.
Some people get re stamped.
I seek a better bargain than that.
There are new engineers working
On the machinery.

Everyone leaves
with a new label. Some are re-stamped.
I want a better bargain. New engineers work
On the machinery.

hopefully you see the difference. the break on "leaves" here, sets up tension, an expectation and a double meaning. "Better bargain" just doesn't work no matter what I do with it, but I didn't want to rewrite it. Words like "gets to", "Some" "get" "seek" "There are" Are just weak, wordy and add nothing



Self-induced exorcisms happen daily. This line right here is the only reason for reading this poem. It is wordy and awkward but the concept is ok.
Sometimes the holy water feels
Like my own sweat.
What do they care if I'm playing the
Role of Uriah Heep.
We're all skeletons dancing
In the mud.

You continue along with the wordiness, the bad line breaks and the awkwardness.

As a whole, the imagery and the idea are fine, you have some nice metaphor and symbolism but you need to focus on your use of words, sounds and line breaks. This whole thing should be stripped down to the bare bones and re-written from the ground up.

Thanks for posting.

milo

---

Well, thanks. This is what I'm here for. Please tell me you have some experience with getting published. I want to improve, but I hope you're not just ripping on it because I'm a target for some reason. Having said that, if you are well-published and truly trying to help, then I can' thank you enough for your time!

[milo]

"Still a Caterpillar"

I sat in the corner of the corridor corridor's don't really have corners (don't argue this with semantics please)
Crying eternal tears. this is an awful phrase. what is the difference between eternal tears and transient tears? nothing. in fact, since pretty much all crying involves tears, I would strip the eternal and tears right out.


The janitor came to mop them
Up, as if a dog just sprayed
On the floor.

Your line breaks are pretty bad, I am not sure what criteria you are using but I feel it might involve a blind fold and a pair of dice. The awkward wordiness of the above 3 lines could be:

The janitor mopped them up
as if a dog sprayed.

They said twenty laps around Now you have "they", but who are they?
The circular hallway was a mile.
I never tried to walk it.
Besides, the Ativan and Haldol
Make the effort of counting
Nearly impossible.

Once again with the annoying linebreaks! What are words like "besides", "the effort" and "nearly" adding here? Poetry needs to be condensed.

Some pretty nurse interns try to
Pry me from my coma.
They wanted me to play a board
Game with them.
They might try to get to know me.
New shame

Seriously with the line breaks!!! Stop it already. This whole section is unadulterated prose, BTW.

Some pretty nurse interns try to Pry me from my coma. They wanted me to play a board Game with them. They might try to get to know me.
New shame

Not just the wordiness, either. The phrasing is awkward and dull as dried mud.


Everyone gets to leave
With a new label.
Some people get re stamped.
I seek a better bargain than that.
There are new engineers working
On the machinery.

Everyone leaves
with a new label. Some are re-stamped.
I want a better bargain. New engineers work
On the machinery.

hopefully you see the difference. the break on "leaves" here, sets up tension, an expectation and a double meaning. "Better bargain" just doesn't work no matter what I do with it, but I didn't want to rewrite it. Words like "gets to", "Some" "get" "seek" "There are" Are just weak, wordy and add nothing



Self-induced exorcisms happen daily. This line right here is the only reason for reading this poem. It is wordy and awkward but the concept is ok.
Sometimes the holy water feels
Like my own sweat.
What do they care if I'm playing the
Role of Uriah Heep.
We're all skeletons dancing
In the mud.

You continue along with the wordiness, the bad line breaks and the awkwardness.

As a whole, the imagery and the idea are fine, you have some nice metaphor and symbolism but you need to focus on your use of words, sounds and line breaks. This whole thing should be stripped down to the bare bones and re-written from the ground up.

Thanks for posting.

milo

---

Well, thanks. This is what I'm here for. Please tell me you have some experience with getting published. I want to improve, but I hope you're not just ripping on it because I'm a target for some reason. Having said that, if you are well-published and truly trying to help, then I can' thank you enough for your time!

This is the SERIOUS critique forum. I am not "ripping" on anything. If you just want praise please post to a different forum. If you would like to comment on MY writing or publishing or whatever please reply in the appropriate thread.

TIA Have a nice day!

[Vistaldust]

You continue along with the wordiness, the bad line breaks and the awkwardness.

As a whole, the imagery and the idea are fine, you have some nice metaphor and symbolism but you need to focus on your use of words, sounds and line breaks. This whole thing should be stripped down to the bare bones and re-written from the ground up.

Thanks for posting.

milo

---

Well, thanks. This is what I'm here for. Please tell me you have some experience with getting published. I want to improve, but I hope you're not just ripping on it because I'm a target for some reason. Having said that, if you are well-published and truly trying to help, then I can' thank you enough for your time!

This is the SERIOUS critique forum. I am not "ripping" on anything. If you just want praise please post to a different forum. If you would like to comment on MY writing or publishing or whatever please reply in the appropriate thread.

TIA Have a nice day!

No, no. Don't get me wrong. I want serious critiquing. I appreciate it. I'm disappointed that I am way off the mark. Do you think there is potential? I am afraid of being too elusive, so I tend to give too much away. What is the best way to learn to establish better form?

---

"Still a Caterpillar"
Hi vista,
Look, first if all, you MUST respect the forum an take care if simple errors...if you cannot see them, you should post in mild or novice where you will get more basic help. Nonetheless, if you wish to improve, crit is one way. So here goes.

I sat in the corner of the corridor
Crying eternal tears.
The janitor came to mop them
Up, as if a dog just sprayed
On the floor. Stop capitalising every line. It is retro, affectacious, confusing and schoolboyish. This opening stanza just scrapes by syntax-wise but you are close to a disconnect by separating the dog spray from the "eternal tears" by the interjection of the janitor.

They said twenty laps around Who they? A disconnect. You have not mentioned them before.
The circular hallway was a mile.Was it? And what is it now? Be specific and precise. This is serious crit.
I never tried to walk it. So what, one asks. Why mention it?
Besides, the Ativan and Haldol
Make the effort of counting
Nearly impossible. Oh bugger. Not more drug-dirge. Have you any idea how boring this becomes. Lighten up and write better.This is a poetry site not a drop-in centre

Some pretty nurse interns try to Well, I am bored by the subject but if you must
Pry me from my coma. This is actually worthy. I like the mechanism as described
They wanted me to play a board "Try to" and "wanted to" is a tense mismatch. Tried to.
Game with them.
They might try to get to know me.
New shame Full stop. Good observation and follow through. You could write on something else and I would read it.

Everyone gets to leave
With a new label.
Some people get re stamped.
I seek a better bargain than that.
There are new engineers working
On the machinery. Well, poetry it ain't. What can I say. This is just a monologue. Line breaks are random and there is no hint of meter.

Self-induced exorcisms happen daily.
Sometimes the holy water feels
Like my own sweat.
What do they care if I'm playing the
Role of Uriah Heep.
We're all skeletons dancing
In the mud. Now this will be controversial, but this stanza is complete and self-satisfied. I would ditch everything else. Unusually, you get into your stride late. Shame

Overall, a good piece. The drugs cliche is just mundane. Write about it if you must...but give yourself credibility and respect...write about something else. It has all been
mauled before.
Best,
tectak[/b]

Thank you. I appreciate it. I thought I would throw one out there with the big boys, but I am humbled by my critiques, so I will go to the novice section.

---

You continue along with the wordiness, the bad line breaks and the awkwardness.

As a whole, the imagery and the idea are fine, you have some nice metaphor and symbolism but you need to focus on your use of words, sounds and line breaks. This whole thing should be stripped down to the bare bones and re-written from the ground up.

Thanks for posting.

milo

---

Well, thanks. This is what I'm here for. Please tell me you have some experience with getting published. I want to improve, but I hope you're not just ripping on it because I'm a target for some reason. Having said that, if you are well-published and truly trying to help, then I can' thank you enough for your time!

This is the SERIOUS critique forum. I am not "ripping" on anything. If you just want praise please post to a different forum. If you would like to comment on MY writing or publishing or whatever please reply in the appropriate thread.

TIA Have a nice day!

Milo, I am getting other critiques, and I am getting it now. This part of the forum is for poets who have a very good grasp at what it takes to get published. I'll float down the the novice area. At least I know where I need to be now. I read some of your stuff and it's great!

[DeviousKid45]

"Still a Caterpillar"

I sat in the corner of the corridor
Crying eternal tears.
The janitor came to mop them
Up, as if a dog just sprayed
On the floor.

They said twenty laps around
The circular hallway was a mile.
I never tried to walk it.
Besides, the Ativan and Haldol
Make the effort of counting
Nearly impossible.

Some pretty nurse interns try to
Pry me from my coma.
They wanted me to play a board
Game with them.
They might try to get to know me.
New shame

Everyone gets to leave
With a new label.
Some people get re stamped.
I seek a better bargain than that.
There are new engineers working
On the machinery.

Self-induced exorcisms happen daily.
Sometimes the holy water feels
Like my own sweat.
What do they care if I'm playing the
Role of Uriah Heep.
We're all skeletons dancing
In the mud.

Hmmm.... The structure is a bit unsettling to the eye. The poem seems to be all over the place...

[Vistaldust]

My final thoughts.....this one had good intentions, but it sucks.....worth a revamp, though.