Biding time

[cidermaid]

2nd Edit.

Biding time

Sellotaped into your shape;
your sticky life masking rape
of every breath and hope.
You suffocate me with layered opinions,
rye bread sandwiches of laminated stiffness.

In less harsh climes an unformed mind can climb and reach
the rarefied summits of free-formed thought;
but your rigid designs,
with inbuilt anti-organic inhibitors,
seal and lock out
any breath of originality - not invented on this roll.

I am that air bubble that will not burst.
I am the crease beneath your nail that will not slide out.
Try as you might to eradicate me – I’ll just smile and wait
for a warm wind to expand my territory and for your viscid,
clingy covering to grow brittle with age.

Then I will crack your shiny surface,
into which air and water and bread crumbs
will creep and undermine your synthetic sheets
with viral non-conforming thoughts.
And you will be soft like grape must beneath my feet.




1st edit

Biding time.

Sellotaped into your shape; your sticky, life
masking rape of every breath and hope.
You suffocate me with layered opinions,
rye bread sandwiches of laminated stiffness.
In less harsh climes an unformed mind can climb
and reach the rarefied summits of free-formed thought,
but your pre-formed designs, with inbuilt anti-organic
growth inhibitors, seal and lock out any unbidden
breath of originality not invented on this roll.

I am that air bubble that will not burst.
I am the crease beneath your nail that will not slide out.
Try as you might to eradicate me – I’ll just smile and wait
for a warm wind to expand my territory and for your sticky,
clingy form to grow brittle with age.
Then I will crack your shiny surface, into which air and water
and bread crumbs will creep and undermine your synthetic sheets
with viral non-conforming thoughts.
And you will be soft like grape must beneath my feet.


Original post.
Biding time.

Sellotaped into your shape; your sticky, life
masking rape of every breath and hope.
You suffocate me with layered opinions,
rye bread sandwiches of laminated stiffness.
In less harsh climes an unformed mind can climb
and reach the rarefied summits of free-formed thought,
but your pre-formed designs, with inbuilt anti-organic
growth inhibitors, seal and lock out any unbidden
breath of originality not invented on this roll.

I am that air bubble that will not burst.
I am the crease beneath your nail that will not slide out.
Try as you might to eradicate me – I’ll just smile and wait
for a warm wind to expand my territory and for your sticky,
clingy form to grow brittle with age.
Then I will crack your shiny surface, into which air and water
and nutrients will creep and undermine your synthetic sheets
with viral non-conforming thoughts.
And you will be soft like putty beneath my feet.

[serge gurkski]

Fantastic!

And please do yourself and us, your fellow poets, the favour to post this in Serious.

I think that is the best poem I read at PP so far.

You made my (sun)day and I hate sundays.

Thank you

serge

[cidermaid]

Oh- thanks Serge.
? how do i move it (do I just repost or ask a Mod?)

[serge gurkski]

"In less harsh climes an unformed mind can climb"

i would recite it but I guess Milo will too, so I stand back.

This line reads like Horatius

http://www.thelatinlibrary.com/horace/carm1.shtml

cheers
serge


(and by biding your time you inspired my newest poetical crime
built upon this line by H.:

Luctantem Icariis fluctibus Africum

I almost think Yeats' Sailing to Byzantium is built upon that line.


Now I know why:
ottava rima.
5 iambic pentameters


like by Byron (Don Juan)

"I can't help putting in my claim to praise "

blame it on the cider
and cheers to you AJ!

[serge gurkski]

i hope me liking your poem does not shock you too much.
AJ. ;-)

I mean: I recall when I masturbated once, stroking my virtually fat cock
reminiscing a 3 some and you and stalker

corrected my rebel heart :

that is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
not worthy

but my Ladies it was:


sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
worthy

it just was not a poem.
anyway:
I still insist that

This your poem: Bidind time is excellent.
And should be beamed up by billy or Leanne to Serious.
seriously?
Or am I unworthy? ;-)

cheers
serge

[R.C. KITCHENS]

1st edit

Biding time.

Sellotaped into your shape; your sticky, life
masking rape of every breath and hope.
You suffocate me with layered opinions,
rye bread sandwiches of laminated stiffness.
In less harsh climes an unformed mind can climb
and reach the rarefied summits of free-formed thought,
but your pre-formed designs, with inbuilt anti-organic
growth inhibitors, seal and lock out any unbidden
breath of originality not invented on this roll.

I am that air bubble that will not burst.
I am the crease beneath your nail that will not slide out.
Try as you might to eradicate me – I’ll just smile and wait
for a warm wind to expand my territory and for your sticky,
clingy form to grow brittle with age.
Then I will crack your shiny surface, into which air and water
and bread crumbs will creep and undermine your synthetic sheets
with viral non-conforming thoughts.
And you will be soft like grape must beneath my feet.


Original post.
Biding time.

Sellotaped into your shape; your sticky, life
masking rape of every breath and hope.
You suffocate me with layered opinions,
rye bread sandwiches of laminated stiffness.
In less harsh climes an unformed mind can climb
and reach the rarefied summits of free-formed thought,
but your pre-formed designs, with inbuilt anti-organic
growth inhibitors, seal and lock out any unbidden
breath of originality not invented on this roll.

I am that air bubble that will not burst.
I am the crease beneath your nail that will not slide out.
Try as you might to eradicate me – I’ll just smile and wait
for a warm wind to expand my territory and for your sticky,
clingy form to grow brittle with age.
Then I will crack your shiny surface, into which air and water
and nutrients will creep and undermine your synthetic sheets
with viral non-conforming thoughts.
And you will be soft like putty beneath my feet.

I like it very much and see little to change except "putty"and you did that. I thought "putty" was something less common to have under your feet. "grape must" was a more finer and appreciated image.

[tectak]

1st edit
Hi Cider,
Above all others who post to serious, including serge god bless him, I cry an inward tear when I note how "lossy" your work becomes because of some inner compulsion to make random line breaks. Your concepts and word choices more than warrant respect, both from the reader AND from you. I cannot reconcile the thinking which leads to the very first line breaking on ...."life". It is just incongruous to me. My failing, you may say. Fine.....but what a waste. Your poem.
Very Best,
tectak

Biding time.

Sellotaped into your shape; your sticky, lifeWhy oh why?

Sellotaped into your shape;
your sticky, life masking rape
of every breath and hope.

masking rape of every breath and hope.Not sure about this as a sentence...but as a collection of words happy in each other's company, it works.
You suffocate me with layered opinions,
rye bread sandwiches of laminated stiffness.Respect.
In less harsh climes an unformed mind can climb...but precedent set, you carry on. I am just so enamoured with the word choice that I want to forgive the line breaks...and so I walk through your poem on uneven ground, constantly checking where you and I put our feet, just to avoid a stumble. I should not need to do this.
and reach the rarefied summits of free-formed thought,Getting too wordy and overhanging and jutting its confounded base! Top heavy. Again, better line breaks would help. Enough on this subject. Onwards and upwards.
but your pre-formed designs, with inbuilt anti-organicfree-formed, pre-formed...pruning is definitely required. Hyphenated words are often a sop to the lazy muse. I'm not saying that this is the case here...but I am not saying it's not, either.
growth inhibitors, seal and lock out any unbidden
breath of originality not invented on this roll.Hmmm. Not an easy translation on first read BUT only because of the "...not invented on this roll" line.ON this roll? Well, yes, I can see where this is leading.(I read stuff at least five times before critting to avoid making a fool of myself. I can see the final metaphor rising...er...proving)

I am that air bubble that will not burst.
I am the crease beneath your nail that will not slide out.
Try as you might to eradicate me – I’ll just smile and wait
for a warm wind to expand my territory and for your sticky,
clingy form to grow brittle with age.This is really a very nice stanza and I like it for many reasons. Try to lose the second sticky, though.
Then I will crack your shiny surface, into which air and water
and bread crumbs will creep and undermine your synthetic sheets
with viral non-conforming thoughts.
And you will be soft like grape must beneath my feet.If this was an attempt to rein in a stallion of a metaphor I don't think it quite manages it. It got a bit wild towards the end.


Original post.
Biding time.

Sellotaped into your shape; your sticky, life
masking rape of every breath and hope.
You suffocate me with layered opinions,
rye bread sandwiches of laminated stiffness.
In less harsh climes an unformed mind can climb
and reach the rarefied summits of free-formed thought,
but your pre-formed designs, with inbuilt anti-organic
growth inhibitors, seal and lock out any unbidden
breath of originality not invented on this roll.

I am that air bubble that will not burst.
I am the crease beneath your nail that will not slide out.
Try as you might to eradicate me – I’ll just smile and wait
for a warm wind to expand my territory and for your sticky,
clingy form to grow brittle with age.
Then I will crack your shiny surface, into which air and water
and nutrients will creep and undermine your synthetic sheets
with viral non-conforming thoughts.
And you will be soft like putty beneath my feet.

[cidermaid]

Thanks for the feedback Tec. ("Lossy" is that a Sergism falling through your fingers? )
Will be back with an edit in due course (will wait a day and see if anyone else has any thoughts to add). As ever I feel inadequate in my efforts to be in serious...I have to admit that dear Serge lured me here with sweet nothings in his wonderful retro / seventies way...I declined his latter offers but confess a rush of blood to the head caused me to think that I should re-post the poem. So in answer to 80% of your comments I will give a nod of agreement to your opinions.
In particular the first line break. This was a trial to work through my failings in both meter and line ending which i constantly struggle with. I feel that I over work many of my poems and loose track what I am doing in the process.
So confession time: with this one I wanted to post it un-worked as such...but I failed to resist a bit of a tweek. (In my original, original) the line ending was on masking, then I added life for clarity of read and the masking was moved back n forth like granny's mop between the lines..and then i posted without resolving what i was about.
So appoligies this poem was not really ready for serious, but I'm here now so I'll stay put and work through this one, but i might need a bit of a steer with the whole line ending thing to help me on my way.
Many thanks AJ.

[tectak]

Thanks for the feedback Tec. ("Lossy" is that a Sergism falling through your fingers? )
Will be back with an edit in due course (will wait a day and see if anyone else has any thoughts to add). As ever I feel inadequate in my efforts to be in serious...I have to admit that dear Serge lured me here with sweet nothings in his wonderful retro / seventies way...I declined his latter offers but confess a rush of blood to the head caused me to think that I should re-post the poem. So in answer to 80% of your comments I will give a nod of agreement to your opinions.
In particular the first line break. This was a trial to work through my failings in both meter and line ending which i constantly struggle with. I feel that I over work many of my poems and loose track what I am doing in the process.
So confession time: with this one I wanted to post it un-worked as such...but I failed to resist a bit of a tweek. (In my original, original) the line ending was on masking, then I added life for clarity of read and the masking was moved back n forth like granny's mop between the lines..and then i posted without resolving what i was about.
So appoligies this poem was not really ready for serious, but I'm here now so I'll stay put and work through this one, but i might need a bit of a steer with the whole line ending thing to help me on my way.
Many thanks AJ.

Hi cider,
MORE than ready for serious. Just workshop the shit out of it. It is a great effort and that was me liking it!
Best,
On holiday in three minutes,
tectak

[cidermaid]

Have a great time, you big softy you.
AJ

[serge gurkski]

;-))))


"I have to admit that dear Serge lured me here with sweet nothings in his wonderful retro / seventies way...I declined his latter offers but confess a rush of blood to the head caused me to think"

feel hugged and I mean it.
cheers

serge( on the hun-run for a new foxy lady to make love to make sense of his blue life)

---

just have a tie prob.

[tectak]

Have a great time, you big softy you.
AJ

Hurmmmmphhh.

[cidermaid]

You're not fooling anyone..I'm convinced you're a really nice guy.

[serge gurkski]

(he is.) ;-)

[tectak]

(he is.) ;-)

Sod off

[cidermaid]

@ Tec - How is your holiday working out?
Here's hoping the local shampoo agrees with you and suitably mellowed you might like my edits.
Must admit I am struggling with this. I don't like untidy lines and desperatly wanted to get away from sad end rhymes (hence unable to relinquish rhyming, I had hidden them internally (...probably the cause of my odd line ending) ...now the first two lines are causing me a lot of stress.
Also not entirly sure about my "sticky" alternative. Will see what comments come back.
Meanwhile enjoy chillin. "More Poo darling?"

[fim]

2nd Edit.

Biding time

Sellotaped into your shape;
your sticky life masking rape
of every breath and hope.
You suffocate me with layered opinions,
rye bread sandwiches of laminated stiffness. would "slices" work better than "sandwiches" in this line? I get the visual and the application but with "sandwiches" I "see" a large piece of lettuce protruding out from the bread which (in my mind) isn't as suffocating or stiff as slices.

In less harsh climes an unformed mind can climb and reach
the rarefied summits of free-formed thought;
but your rigid designs,
with inbuilt anti-organic inhibitors, does built-in flow better? Yes more common ... but perhaps sounds better and somewhat unique with back to back hyphenated word pairs.
seal and lock out
any breath of originality - not invented on this roll.

I am that air bubble that will not burst.
I am the crease beneath your nail that will not slide out.
Try as you might to eradicate me – I’ll just smile and wait
for a warm wind to expand my territory and for your viscid,
clingy covering to grow brittle with age.

Then I will crack your shiny surface,
into which air and water and bread crumbs
will creep and undermine your synthetic sheets
with viral non-conforming thoughts.
And you will be soft like grape must beneath my feet.

Your metaphor is compelling and visual imagery powerful.



1st edit

Biding time.

Sellotaped into your shape; your sticky, life
masking rape of every breath and hope.
You suffocate me with layered opinions,
rye bread sandwiches of laminated stiffness.
In less harsh climes an unformed mind can climb
and reach the rarefied summits of free-formed thought,
but your pre-formed designs, with inbuilt anti-organic
growth inhibitors, seal and lock out any unbidden
breath of originality not invented on this roll.

I am that air bubble that will not burst.
I am the crease beneath your nail that will not slide out.
Try as you might to eradicate me – I’ll just smile and wait
for a warm wind to expand my territory and for your sticky,
clingy form to grow brittle with age.
Then I will crack your shiny surface, into which air and water
and bread crumbs will creep and undermine your synthetic sheets
with viral non-conforming thoughts.
And you will be soft like grape must beneath my feet.


Original post.
Biding time.

Sellotaped into your shape; your sticky, life
masking rape of every breath and hope.
You suffocate me with layered opinions,
rye bread sandwiches of laminated stiffness.
In less harsh climes an unformed mind can climb
and reach the rarefied summits of free-formed thought,
but your pre-formed designs, with inbuilt anti-organic
growth inhibitors, seal and lock out any unbidden
breath of originality not invented on this roll.

I am that air bubble that will not burst.
I am the crease beneath your nail that will not slide out.
Try as you might to eradicate me – I’ll just smile and wait
for a warm wind to expand my territory and for your sticky,
clingy form to grow brittle with age.
Then I will crack your shiny surface, into which air and water
and nutrients will creep and undermine your synthetic sheets
with viral non-conforming thoughts.
And you will be soft like putty beneath my feet.

[cidermaid]

Hi fim,
Thanks for your comments. I will have a think about the sandwiches / slices thing...i think you might be onto something with the lettuce. (I was thinking of the enforcement of the word layers in the line above, in the image of a sandwich...but you're right a piece of lettuce poking out would ruin it ).
As to hyphenated words - the Laird of the serious has already pointed out the error of my ways with these.

some really helpful thoughts - AJ.

[R.C. KITCHENS]

2nd Edit.

Biding time

Sellotaped into your shape;
your sticky life masking rape
of every breath and hope.
You suffocate me with layered opinions,
rye bread sandwiches of laminated stiffness.

In less harsh climes an unformed mind can climb and reach
the rarefied summits of free-formed thought;
but your rigid designs,like the use of rigid here opposed to "pre-formed"
with inbuilt anti-organic inhibitors,
seal and lock out
any breath of originality - not invented on this roll.

I am that air bubble that will not burst.
I am the crease beneath your nail that will not slide out.
Try as you might to eradicate me – I’ll just smile and wait
for a warm wind to expand my territory and for your viscid,
clingy covering to grow brittle with age.

Then I will crack your shiny surface,
into which air and water and bread crumbs
will creep and undermine your synthetic sheets
with viral non-conforming thoughts.
And you will be soft like grape must beneath my feet.




1st edit

Biding time.

Sellotaped into your shape; your sticky, life
masking rape of every breath and hope.
You suffocate me with layered opinions,
rye bread sandwiches of laminated stiffness.
In less harsh climes an unformed mind can climb
and reach the rarefied summits of free-formed thought,
but your pre-formed designs, with inbuilt anti-organic
growth inhibitors, seal and lock out any unbidden
breath of originality not invented on this roll.

I am that air bubble that will not burst.
I am the crease beneath your nail that will not slide out.
Try as you might to eradicate me – I’ll just smile and wait
for a warm wind to expand my territory and for your sticky,
clingy form to grow brittle with age.
Then I will crack your shiny surface, into which air and water
and bread crumbs will creep and undermine your synthetic sheets
with viral non-conforming thoughts.
And you will be soft like grape must beneath my feet.


Original post.
Biding time.

Sellotaped into your shape; your sticky, life
masking rape of every breath and hope.
You suffocate me with layered opinions,
rye bread sandwiches of laminated stiffness.
In less harsh climes an unformed mind can climb
and reach the rarefied summits of free-formed thought,
but your pre-formed designs, with inbuilt anti-organic
growth inhibitors, seal and lock out any unbidden
breath of originality not invented on this roll.

I am that air bubble that will not burst.
I am the crease beneath your nail that will not slide out.
Try as you might to eradicate me – I’ll just smile and wait
for a warm wind to expand my territory and for your sticky,
clingy form to grow brittle with age.
Then I will crack your shiny surface, into which air and water
and nutrients will creep and undermine your synthetic sheets
with viral non-conforming thoughts.
And you will be soft like putty beneath my feet.

I believe your second edit has successfully become a better read. I like how you broke up the lines, it reads really well.[/b]

[tectak]

2nd Edit.

Biding time

Sellotaped into your shape;
your sticky life masking rape
of every breath and hope.
You suffocate me with layered opinions,
rye bread sandwiches of laminated stiffness.

In less harsh climes an unformed mind can climb and reach
the rarefied summits of free-formed thought;
but your rigid designs,
with inbuilt anti-organic inhibitors,
seal and lock out
any breath of originality - not invented on this roll.

I am that air bubble that will not burst.
I am the crease beneath your nail that will not slide out.
Try as you might to eradicate me – I’ll just smile and wait
for a warm wind to expand my territory and for your viscid,
clingy covering to grow brittle with age.

Then I will crack your shiny surface,
into which air and water and bread crumbs
will creep and undermine your synthetic sheets
with viral non-conforming thoughts.
And you will be soft like grape must beneath my feet.




1st edit

Biding time.

Sellotaped into your shape; your sticky, life
masking rape of every breath and hope.
You suffocate me with layered opinions,
rye bread sandwiches of laminated stiffness.
In less harsh climes an unformed mind can climb
and reach the rarefied summits of free-formed thought,
but your pre-formed designs, with inbuilt anti-organic
growth inhibitors, seal and lock out any unbidden
breath of originality not invented on this roll.

I am that air bubble that will not burst.
I am the crease beneath your nail that will not slide out.
Try as you might to eradicate me – I’ll just smile and wait
for a warm wind to expand my territory and for your sticky,
clingy form to grow brittle with age.
Then I will crack your shiny surface, into which air and water
and bread crumbs will creep and undermine your synthetic sheets
with viral non-conforming thoughts.
And you will be soft like grape must beneath my feet.


Original post.
Biding time.

Sellotaped into your shape; your sticky, life
masking rape of every breath and hope.
You suffocate me with layered opinions,
rye bread sandwiches of laminated stiffness.
In less harsh climes an unformed mind can climb
and reach the rarefied summits of free-formed thought,
but your pre-formed designs, with inbuilt anti-organic
growth inhibitors, seal and lock out any unbidden
breath of originality not invented on this roll.

I am that air bubble that will not burst.
I am the crease beneath your nail that will not slide out.
Try as you might to eradicate me – I’ll just smile and wait
for a warm wind to expand my territory and for your sticky,
clingy form to grow brittle with age.
Then I will crack your shiny surface, into which air and water
and nutrients will creep and undermine your synthetic sheets
with viral non-conforming thoughts.
And you will be soft like putty beneath my feet.

---

2nd Edit.

Biding time

Sellotaped into your shape;
your sticky life masking rape
of every breath and hope.
You suffocate me with layered opinions,
rye bread sandwiches of laminated stiffness.

In less harsh climes an unformed mind can climb and reach
the rarefied summits of free-formed thought;
but your rigid designs,
with inbuilt anti-organic inhibitors,
seal and lock out
any breath of originality - not invented on this roll.

I am that air bubble that will not burst.
I am the crease beneath your nail that will not slide out.
Try as you might to eradicate me – I’ll just smile and wait
for a warm wind to expand my territory and for your viscid,
clingy covering to grow brittle with age.

Then I will crack your shiny surface,
into which air and water and bread crumbs
will creep and undermine your synthetic sheets
with viral non-conforming thoughts.
And you will be soft like grape must beneath my feet.




1st edit

Biding time.

Sellotaped into your shape; your sticky, life
masking rape of every breath and hope.
You suffocate me with layered opinions,
rye bread sandwiches of laminated stiffness.
In less harsh climes an unformed mind can climb
and reach the rarefied summits of free-formed thought,
but your pre-formed designs, with inbuilt anti-organic
growth inhibitors, seal and lock out any unbidden
breath of originality not invented on this roll.

I am that air bubble that will not burst.
I am the crease beneath your nail that will not slide out.
Try as you might to eradicate me – I’ll just smile and wait
for a warm wind to expand my territory and for your sticky,
clingy form to grow brittle with age.
Then I will crack your shiny surface, into which air and water
and bread crumbs will creep and undermine your synthetic sheets
with viral non-conforming thoughts.
And you will be soft like grape must beneath my feet.


Original post.
Biding time.

Sellotaped into your shape; your sticky, life
masking rape of every breath and hope.
You suffocate me with layered opinions,
rye bread sandwiches of laminated stiffness.
In less harsh climes an unformed mind can climb
and reach the rarefied summits of free-formed thought,
but your pre-formed designs, with inbuilt anti-organic
growth inhibitors, seal and lock out any unbidden
breath of originality not invented on this roll.

I am that air bubble that will not burst.
I am the crease beneath your nail that will not slide out.
Try as you might to eradicate me – I’ll just smile and wait
for a warm wind to expand my territory and for your sticky,
clingy form to grow brittle with age.
Then I will crack your shiny surface, into which air and water
and nutrients will creep and undermine your synthetic sheets
with viral non-conforming thoughts.
And you will be soft like putty beneath my feet.

Twice serge on second edit. Love this to bits...and do not say well, you would, wouldn't you. Billy said it first, it is good that you resist some critique but not all critique.
A fine piece.
Best,
tectak