Rewrite of Road Kill Much Shorter
#1
I have a feeling I'm really going to get it with this one Hysterical Not sure if herbaceous works here.

Road-Kill

When I am driving rural roads, the dust
Will cloud around windows, as gravel creaks
Beneath, the wheels that hold a heavy force.
Herbaceous eating quadrupeds will die.
When driving long enough, a man will come
Across a wealth of dead and flatly laid
Road-Kill. It’s spring, and roads are rife
With fragile rabbits symbolizing life.
The brake-pads of my car are wearing out
From halting stops, but even brakes don’t cease
Inevitable death. The cracking spines
That signal unexpected ends on roads.
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#2
When I am driving rural roads, the dust

Why, "When I am"?

It's talking stiff. But I'm stiff and drunk.

Maybe you should loosen up some of these lines.

But I'm in the mood to be wrong.

And the comma after "Beneath"?

I do feel the rhythm there though.
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#3
(06-30-2013, 06:44 AM)rowens Wrote:  When I am driving rural roads, the dust

Why, "When I am"?

It's talking stiff. But I'm stiff and drunk.

Maybe you should loosen up some of these lines.

But I'm in the mood to be wrong.

And the comma after "Beneath"?

I do feel the rhythm there though.

Good to see you back Rowens. I used "When I" to keep in line with Blank Verse but that may be unnecessary.
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#4
Part of me likes this poem; but that may just be the drunk part. So be advised. I'm still looking it over.
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#5
(06-30-2013, 06:11 AM)Brownlie Wrote:  I have a feeling I'm really going to get it with this one Hysterical Not sure if herbaceous works here.
You said itSmile
Road-Kill

When I am driving rural roads, the dust Drop the padding out the window ."When I.." is unnecessary. Like once upon a time.
Will cloud around windows, as gravel creaks Capitalising every damn line is now becoming a little deliberate. I am already irritable because you are about to torture my beloved language (again). See next line.
Beneath, the wheels that hold a heavy force. If you do not understand the use of punctuation post your work in the mild forum, go away and read some books, say War and Peace, Ulysses then memorise the Koran. No comma after "beneath"
Herbaceous eating quadrupeds will die. Yes. Agreed. Awful line. SO WHY USE
IT? Triffid eats hamster.

When driving long enough, a man will come Enough? A mile? A light-year? ....or just until he comes a cross a wealth ( Which, by the way, is the wrong word, a cliche and paired with "a cross" , which is a crucifix, instead of across, makes you this weeks prize-winner in the Dilettante of the Year monthly contest held fortnightly every decade.Smile)
Across a wealth of dead and flatly laid
Road-Kill. It’s spring, and roads are rife
With fragile rabbits symbolizing life.
The brake-pads of my car are wearing out
From halting stops, but even brakes don’t cease You CANNOT cease a NOUN!
Inevitable death. The cracking spines
That signal unexpected ends on roads. Debatably which, not that. Milo? Can you be bothered.
Read more.
Best,
tectak
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#6
(06-30-2013, 06:11 AM)Brownlie Wrote:  I have a feeling I'm really going to get it with this one Hysterical Not sure if herbaceous works here.

Road-Kill

When I am driving rural roads, the dust
Will cloud around windows, as gravel creaks
Beneath, the wheels that hold a heavy force.
Herbaceous eating quadrupeds will die.
When driving long enough, a man will come
Across a wealth of dead and flatly laid
Road-Kill. It’s spring, and roads are rife
With fragile rabbits symbolizing life.
The brake-pads of my car are wearing out
From halting stops, but even brakes don’t cease
Inevitable death. The cracking spines
That signal unexpected ends on roads.

You have some serious problems throughout with voice and tone as well as word choice. Phrases like herbaceous quadrupeds signal a scientific or detached voice. Rural roads signals the opposite. I don't even know why you would use the word quadrupeds in a poem that wasn't tetrameter unless it was a satire or parody!

When I am driving, the dust
clouds, gravel creaks
Beneath, the wheels
quadrupeds die.

It’s spring, and roads are rife
With rabbits symbolizing life.
The brake-pads of my car are wearing out
but brakes don’t cease (prevent?)
death. The cracking spines
That signal (sound?) unexpected ends .

Here I have simply deleted the words that are adding nothing to your poem. Through that painful process, I realize that your poem is the irony between the symbolism of rabbits and the realism of dead rabbit carcasses littering the roads.

You tend toward the weak, passive language throughout here (things WILL happen, things ARE happening) verse reads stronger when things happen.

Examples:

The break pads of my car are wearing out = My car's worn brake pads
When I am driving = when I drive
the dust will cloud = dust clouds
etc, etc
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#7
Thank you both for your comments I will ponder them. I've read some of War and Peace and I would probably have to read some analysis with Ulysses if I wanted to understand what Joyce was getting at. As far as the passive voice I was going for a sort of Robert Frost like ramble, but Milo makes some decent points. Thanks for the comments guys.
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#8
(07-01-2013, 01:11 PM)Brownlie Wrote:  Thank you both for your comments I will ponder them. I've read some of War and Peace and I would probably have to read some analysis with Ulysses if I wanted to understand what Joyce was getting at. As far as the passive voice I was going for a sort of Robert Frost like ramble, but Milo makes some decent points. Thanks for the comments guys.

Please show me a poem of Frost's where he favors passive voice over active voice?

You do know what passive voice is in writing, don't you?
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#9
(07-01-2013, 01:44 PM)milo Wrote:  
(07-01-2013, 01:11 PM)Brownlie Wrote:  Thank you both for your comments I will ponder them. I've read some of War and Peace and I would probably have to read some analysis with Ulysses if I wanted to understand what Joyce was getting at. As far as the passive voice I was going for a sort of Robert Frost like ramble, but Milo makes some decent points. Thanks for the comments guys.

Please show me a poem of Frost's where he favors passive voice over active voice?

You do know what passive voice is in writing, don't you?
God Damn it school failed me yet again this was the poem I was quasi-emulating:



When I see birches bend to left and right

Across the lines of straighter darker trees,

I like to think some boy's been swinging them.

But swinging doesn't bend them down to stay

As ice-storms do. Often you must have seen them

Loaded with ice a sunny winter morning

After a rain. They click upon themselves

As the breeze rises, and turn many-colored

As the stir cracks and crazes their enamel.

Soon the sun's warmth makes them shed crystal shells

Shattering and avalanching on the snow-crust—

Such heaps of broken glass to sweep away

You'd think the inner dome of heaven had fallen.

They are dragged to the withered bracken by the load,

And they seem not to break; though once they are bowed

So low for long, they never right themselves:

You may see their trunks arching in the woods

Years afterwards, trailing their leaves on the ground

Like girls on hands and knees that throw their hair

Before them over their heads to dry in the sun.

But I was going to say when Truth broke in

With all her matter-of-fact about the ice-storm

I should prefer to have some boy bend them

As he went out and in to fetch the cows—

Some boy too far from town to learn baseball,

Whose only play was what he found himself,

Summer or winter, and could play alone.

One by one he subdued his father's trees

By riding them down over and over again

Until he took the stiffness out of them,

And not one but hung limp, not one was left

For him to conquer. He learned all there was

To learn about not launching out too soon

And so not carrying the tree away

Clear to the ground. He always kept his poise

To the top branches, climbing carefully

With the same pains you use to fill a cup

Up to the brim, and even above the brim.

Then he flung outward, feet first, with a swish,

Kicking his way down through the air to the ground.

So was I once myself a swinger of birches.

And so I dream of going back to be.

It's when I'm weary of considerations,

And life is too much like a pathless wood

Where your face burns and tickles with the cobwebs

Broken across it, and one eye is weeping

From a twig's having lashed across it open.

I'd like to get away from earth awhile

And then come back to it and begin over.

May no fate willfully misunderstand me

And half grant what I wish and snatch me away

Not to return. Earth's the right place for love:

I don't know where it's likely to go better.

I'd like to go by climbing a birch tree,

And climb black branches up a snow-white trunk

Toward heaven, till the tree could bear no more,

But dipped its top and set me down again.

That would be good both going and coming back.

One could do worse than be a swinger of birches.
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#10
I counted a 3:1 ratio of active to passive here, please demonstrate where you see this as overwhelming passive voice
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#11
(07-01-2013, 02:33 PM)milo Wrote:  I counted a 3:1 ratio of active to passive here, please demonstrate where you see this as overwhelming passive voice

You'd make a fine teacher Milo... While I clearly need to research more grammar, Frost presents a narrator that is reflecting, though he uses an active voice to describe most of the action. It's a tough call on this poem but I suppose he does favor the active voice.
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#12
(06-30-2013, 06:11 AM)Brownlie Wrote:  I have a feeling I'm really going to get it with this one Hysterical Not sure if herbaceous works here.

Road-Kill

When I am driving rural roads, the dust
would "while" work better here?
"while driving rural roads". But, If you use while,
you would need to change the lines thereafter.

Will cloud around windows, as gravel creaks
Beneath, the wheels that hold a heavy force.
To me, you could do what Milo suggested and
make the words flow more smoothly by dropping
certain words. for example, "when I am driving rural roads, the dust will cloud around windows" could be set up as "While driving rural roads, dust
clouds around the windows" or "While driving rural roads, dust clouds around windows." Also I notice the capitalization of "Will"
I agree with TecTak, "Beneath" doesn't need the comma. It reads awkwardly with it placed there.

Herbaceous eating quadrupeds will die.Well, I see that you are trying to make sure were not focused on the preying mantis as the quadrupeds your speaking about. I don't know about the line. Ah, further down I see that you used "rabbits". I'm assuming you didnt want to use the same word twice.
When driving long enough, a man will come
Across a wealth of dead and flatly laid
Road-Kill. It’s spring, and roads are rife
With fragile rabbits symbolizing life.
I think "when driving long enough" leaves us with a vague Interpretation of time and distance.
The brake-pads of my car are wearing out
From halting stops, but even brakes don’t cease
I agree with Milo, "Prevent" is a more suitable word.
Inevitable death. The cracking spines
That signal unexpected ends on roads.

I saw this version and the long version. I read them both and withheld comment from the long version to comment here. I think the long version spent to much time focused on detailing to many things from the brake pad's, rabbit's and human thought. It was a little tough at times. The revision is a better and more compact version that conveys the same sentiments. I like it aside from the capitalization of every line and a few places where it could be made stronger, I see a potential piece.
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#13
(07-01-2013, 04:56 PM)R.C. KITCHENS Wrote:  
(06-30-2013, 06:11 AM)Brownlie Wrote:  I have a feeling I'm really going to get it with this one Hysterical Not sure if herbaceous works here.

Road-Kill

When I am driving rural roads, the dust
would "while" work better here?
"while driving rural roads". But, If you use while,
you would need to change the lines thereafter.

Will cloud around windows, as gravel creaks
Beneath, the wheels that hold a heavy force.
To me, you could do what Milo suggested and
make the words flow more smoothly by dropping
certain words. for example, "when I am driving rural roads, the dust will cloud around windows" could be set up as "While driving rural roads, dust
clouds around the windows" or "While driving rural roads, dust clouds around windows." Also I notice the capitalization of "Will"
I agree with TecTak, "Beneath" doesn't need the comma. It reads awkwardly with it placed there.

Herbaceous eating quadrupeds will die.Well, I see that you are trying to make sure were not focused on the preying mantis as the quadrupeds your speaking about. I don't know about the line. Ah, further down I see that you used "rabbits". I'm assuming you didnt want to use the same word twice.
When driving long enough, a man will come
Across a wealth of dead and flatly laid
Road-Kill. It’s spring, and roads are rife
With fragile rabbits symbolizing life.
I think "when driving long enough" leaves us with a vague Interpretation of time and distance.
The brake-pads of my car are wearing out
From halting stops, but even brakes don’t cease
I agree with Milo, "Prevent" is a more suitable word.
Inevitable death. The cracking spines
That signal unexpected ends on roads.

I saw this version and the long version. I read them both and withheld comment from the long version to comment here. I think the long version spent to much time focused on detailing to many things from the brake pad's, rabbit's and human thought. It was a little tough at times. The revision is a better and more compact version that conveys the same sentiments. I like it aside from the capitalization of every line and a few places where it could be made stronger, I see a potential piece.

Thanks R.C. you gave some great comments.
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#14
I must wonder what compelled you to write this. Being a motorcycle enthusiast ( aka biker chick) It gave me the creeps. Would not want to be road kill but always a possibility. I must run, but will come back here to give this another read. I have to give you credit for the title, it hooked me in.
best,
Heart
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