One... two...
an echo guides me
As I chase the night
hearing music
I can't feel.
One... two...
one then two again,
Chasing,
I can't feel
Hearing,
I cant see.
One... two...
Into the night,
a shadow takes me
Where?
I can't see.
One... two...
and now three.
A beat changed,
A light, I can see.
Posts: 123
Threads: 15
Joined: Jun 2013
(06-25-2013, 01:40 PM)Jetv42 Wrote: One... two...
an echo guides me
As I chase the night
hearing music
I can't feel.
One... two...
one then two again,
Chasing,
I can't feel
Hearing,
I cant see.
One... two...
Into the night,
a shadow takes me
Where?
I can't see.
One... two...
and now three.
A beat changed,
A light, I can see.
Its proper etiquette to give critique before posting your poetry.
Unfortunately your poem lacks any visual coherency. Plain and simple, I just don't get what your trying to convey. If you take some time to read some poetry, you will see that it conveys some meaning in it that conveys an explanation. Your poem donest do this for me. Read some poetry and try to fix it up, you can still use your concept, just add some imagery and depth to it so it doesnt read as hollow words.
Posts: 522
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Joined: Nov 2012
Totally agree with what is said above.
Try to create some concrete images - picture starters that the reader can focus on and then travel along a line of thought. (even if that thread of thought might be different to the one you had in mind when you created the poem, it will still make the poem work and give the reader something to relate to).
Don't forget to leave some comments on other poems.
AJ.
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Joined: Mar 2013
For some reason this piece reminds me of waiting at a red light... trying to count to three in your head so that the light will change on three.
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Threads: 3
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if your a novice to poetry, its not a bad start, yet the poem seems pointless.
i dont know if you're trying to tell something and just did it poorly or its your compilation of words.
behind every poem there is an idea and meaning even one of the shortest poems has a lot of meaning, its muhamnad ali's "me, we".
but don't worry you can always get better and learn from mistakes
Thanks for all the replies everyone. Sorry if I was being impolite by posting a poem without first giving feedback. I didn't mean to be disrespectful.
As far as the poem itself. What I was trying to convey was that I used did things a certain way (1,2) and then something came along which, in a way, changed me(3). Obviously I didn't do a good job conveying that. But thank you far all the feedback, I'll keep it in mind and hopefully improve.
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Threads: 1,075
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when we say without giving feedback, we mean without giving feedback to someone elses poem, please do so
