Night's Sleep

[EmilyBean]

His soft golden hair soaked slightly in a sleeper's sweat.
Caresses my cold shoulder as we are dimmed by artificial light.
His broad silhouette is hidden by black blankets, engulfing his form, distorting it from view.
He hunches his shoulders slowly while his is stirred from his slumber softly.
A part of tousled hair hangs across his flushed cheek.
His flushed cheek.
Painted by night's sleep.

[Brownlie]

His soft golden hair soaked slightly in a sleeper's sweat.
Caresses my cold shoulder as we are dimmed by artificial light.
His broad silhouette is hidden by black blankets, engulfing his form, distorting it from view.
He hunches his shoulders slowly while his is stirred from his slumber softly.
A part of tousled hair hangs across his flushed cheek.
His flushed cheek.
Painted by night's sleep.

Post comments. Also, your poem is redundant in places. As someone who has spent hours alone, toiling fruitlessly over words I am angered by whimsical statements that flaunt their shallowness. Beware poetry may make you bitter... If you dedicate some time to reading poetry and learning about it you can improve. Sorry to vent on you.

[R.C. KITCHENS]

His soft golden hair soaked slightly in a sleeper's sweat.
Caresses my cold shoulder as we are dimmed by artificial light.
I dont get how he could be in a sweat and you have a cold shoulder, must be a big difference in blood thickness. I dont really like "dimmed by artificial light" feel like there is something better fitting.
His broad silhouette is hidden by black blankets, engulfing his form, distorting it from view. I think there is too much emphasis on him being covered up. I think you could go with just" hidden by black blankets and get the point across.
He hunches his shoulders slowly while his is stirred from his slumber softly.dont think softly is needed
A part of tousled hair hangs across his flushed cheek.
His flushed cheek.dont see the need for "his flushed cheek" to be stated again.
Painted by night's sleep.

Its proper etiquette to give critique first before posting your own poetry.
I think you could convey a little more with less words and repetition of some description. I like the little bit of imagery but feel like the poem itself is lacking any intent or purposeful direction. Its mainly like a description of sorts. Good luck with the piece.

[cidermaid]

Hi Emily...don't forget to offer some comments on the poems of others.

Overall I thought your poem lacked any real story development and the images you gave me where not strong enough to stand alone without a story thread.
I'll offer a couple of notes on some of the lines.

His soft golden hair soaked slightly in a sleeper's sweat. Perhaps a comma and not a period at the end of the line.
Caresses my cold shoulder as we are dimmed by artificial light. If suggestion used then take out capitol C. I got this image (I like to be cold at night and sleep on top of the sheets and Hubby is like a mini funace but says he is cold despite multiple coverings - so i got this one. Totally relatable to me He's in a sweat under lots of blankets and I'm cool) Also think that perhaps there is a hint of image / comment about thier respective emotional responses to each other...but it is not well enough defined to really come through.
His broad silhouette is hidden by black blankets, engulfing his form, distorting it from view.
He hunches his shoulders slowly while his is stirred from his slumber softly. Softly feels un-needed.
A part of tousled hair hangs across his flushed cheek.
His flushed cheek.
Painted by night's sleep. Was not sure what effect or thought you wanted to capture in the last 3 lines. It feels like you ran out of ideas or steam to finish the poem and just trailed off.

All the best AJ.