The Damnation Game

[Zerric]

"Step right up, Ladies and Men,
Come one! Come all! Come see!
Let your carnal desire,
Burn through like fire,
Let sagacity wait on your greed,
Give up inhibition,
See what you've been missing!
And its free? Oh! I must be insane,
There's no discrimination,
Feel only elation,
Come play The Damnation Game..."

"You, Madame, this game is for you!
Step up, now, don't be shy,
I'm not a liar,
watch your deepest desire,
materialize in front of your eyes.
So play at your leisure,
steal other's treasures,
Whatever you want, it is yours,
So how do you get it?
its easy, don't sweat it!
Play The Damnation Game, of course."

"You, Good Sir! Why don't you play?
I see you're not happy with your lot,
You can turn it around,
Be a king! Wear a crown!
Don't give it a second thought,
So come up on stage, sir,
Don't be a stranger,
I can tell we're alike you and I."
"Isn't he a brave man?
So give him a hand,
As he gives The Damnataion Game, a try."

"The rules are few, and really quite simple,
Your desires: deny or accept, at this time?
See I made a bet with a guy,
that most won't deny,
Even if accepting was tantamount to crime.
So give into the sin,
And you'll help me win,
And you will be rewarded as well,
You'll get money and power,
Goddesses for lovers,
But the choice is yours, I won't compel."

"Excellent, since you accepted, there's something I would confess,
Please bear no grudge,
For Life is such,
There's something I negelected to tell,
Heaven's door,
To you is no more,
The Damnation Game ends in Hell."

[Wjames]

"Step right up, Ladies and Men,
Come one! Come all! Come see!
Let your carnal desire,
Burn through like fire,
Let sagacity wait on your greed,
Give up inhibition,
See what you've been missing!
And its free? Oh! I must be insane,
There's no discrimination,
Feel only elation,
Come play The Damnation Game..."


I like the limerickish intro, but I think this stanza could flow better without the "And its free?" line.


"You, Madame, this game is for you!
Step up, now, don't be shy,
I'm not a liar,
watch your deepest desire,
materialize in front of your eyes.
So play at your leisure,
steal other's treasures,
Whatever you want, it is yours,
So how do you get it?
its easy, don't sweat it!
Play The Damnation Game, of course."

"You, Good Sir! Why don't you play?
I see you're not happy with your lot,
You can turn it around,
Be a king! Wear a crown!
Don't give it a second thought,
So come up on stage, sir,
Don't be a stranger,
I can tell we're alike you and I."
"Isn't he a brave man?
So give him a hand,
As he gives The Damnataion Game, a try."


I think this Stanza could flow better without the "Don't give it a second thought" line.


"The rules are few, and really quite simple,
Your desires: deny or accept, at this time?
See I made a bet with a guy,
that most won't deny,
Even if accepting was tantamount to crime.
So give into the sin,
And you'll help me win,
And you will be rewarded as well,
You'll get money and power,
Goddesses for lovers,
But the choice is yours, I won't compel."


In this stanza the limerick intro seems like a forced rhyme, I don't think you need that limerick in there at all, I like it better with this stanza just starting at: "give into sin"

"Excellent, since you accepted, there's something I would confess,
Please bear no grudge,
For Life is such,
There's something I negelected to tell,
Heaven's door,
To you is no more,
The Damnation Game ends in Hell."

I really like the idea of the Carnival game stand operator in this one, as they are always so convincing yet the Carnival games are often next to impossible to win. If you did an edit or two I think it could flow a little smoother though.

[heslopian]

"Step right up, Ladies and Men,
Come one! Come all! Come see!
Let your carnal desire, Is this comma needed?
Burn through like fire,
Let sagacity wait on your greed,
Give up inhibition,
See what you've been missing!
And its free? Oh! I must be insane, When used as an abbreviation of "it is", "its" should have an apostrophe.
There's no discrimination,
Feel only elation,
Come play The Damnation Game..."

"You, Madame, this game is for you!
Step up, now, don't be shy,
I'm not a liar,
watch your deepest desire,
materialize in front of your eyes.
So play at your leisure,
steal other's treasures,
Whatever you want, it is yours,
So how do you get it?
its easy, don't sweat it!
Play The Damnation Game, of course."

"You, Good Sir! Why don't you play?
I see you're not happy with your lot,
You can turn it around,
Be a king! Wear a crown!
Don't give it a second thought, I don't know if this was intentional, but I like the half rhyme between "lot" and "thought".
So come up on stage, sir,
Don't be a stranger,
I can tell we're alike you and I."
"Isn't he a brave man?
So give him a hand,
As he gives The Damnataion Game, a try."

"The rules are few, and really quite simple,
Your desires: deny or accept, at this time?
See I made a bet with a guy,
that most won't deny,
Even if accepting was tantamount to crime.
So give into the sin,
And you'll help me win,
And you will be rewarded as well,
You'll get money and power,
Goddesses for lovers,
But the choice is yours, I won't compel."

"Excellent, since you accepted, there's something I would confess,
Please bear no grudge,
For Life is such,
There's something I negelected to tell,
Heaven's door,
To you is no more,
The Damnation Game ends in Hell."

An often wickedly amusing poem. The carnival-hawker voice is magnificent. My one nit would be that the poem isn't overly memorable; a few more rich and unique images would solve that problem, though. All critique is JMHO; thanks for the read

[R.C. KITCHENS]

"Step right up, Ladies and Men,

feel like gentlemen sounds more original.

Come one! Come all! Come see!
Let your carnal desire,
Burn through like fire,
Let sagacity wait on your greed,
Give up inhibition,
See what you've been missing!
And its free? Oh! I must be insane,
There's no discrimination,
Feel only elation,
Come play The Damnation Game..."

feel like "feel only elation" could be dropped. seems like to much to say given you only have a moment to reach out to someone as a carny type . Feels like its there for the rhyme.

"You, Madame, this game is for you!
Step up, now, don't be shy,
I'm not a liar,
watch your deepest desire,
materialize in front of your eyes.
So play at your leisure,
steal other's treasures,
Whatever you want, it is yours,
So how do you get it?
its easy, don't sweat it!
Play The Damnation Game, of course."

"You, Good Sir! Why don't you play?
I see you're not happy with your lot,
I'd like to see some imagery here, as "how is the man not happy with his lot?"
You can turn it around,
Be a king! Wear a crown!
Don't give it a second thought,
So come up on stage, sir,
Don't be a stranger,
I can tell we're alike you and I."
"Isn't he a brave man?
So give him a hand,
As he gives The Damnataion Game, a try."

"The rules are few, and really quite simple,

think you can get it across without the word "really"

Your desires: deny or accept, at this time?
See I made a bet with a guy,
that most won't deny,
Even if accepting was tantamount to crime.
So give into the sin,

feel like "the sin" should just be "sin"

And you'll help me win,
And you will be rewarded as well,
You'll get money and power,
Goddesses for lovers,
But the choice is yours, I won't compel."

"Excellent, since you accepted, there's something I would confess,
Please bear no grudge,
For Life is such,
There's something I negelected to tell,
Heaven's door,
To you is no more,
The Damnation Game ends in Hell."

I like the overall tone of the piece. It gets you to an understanding of where you can go if you choose.