She Is Pregnant

[remotemethod]

The fear of impregnation
Anticipation of hue and cry
The feeblness of her existence
The fear of outcry

Absent her will to confront
The unpreparedness
Of her demeanour
Oh! So unprecedented

Shovel loads of raven infatuation
Blazing ambers
All but defenseless
Equipped with a daring ploy
To seed her with ecstasy
Bundled up
With guilty heathen pleasures

There

She is pregnant
Pregnant with joy

[milo]

The fear of impregnation
Anticipation of hue and cry "fear", "anticipation, "feebleness", "exixtence", "fear" - all abstraction is such a short passage of time. Modern poets need grounding in the concrete. Use imagery and fresh, crisp details as well as sonics and poetic devices to capture your reader.
The feeblness of her existence
The fear of outcry

Absent her will to confront
The unpreparedness
Of her demeanour
Oh! So unprecedented

Shovel loads of raven infatuation
Blazing ambers
All but defenseless
Equipped with a daring ploy
To seed her with ecstasy
Bundled up
With guilty heathen pleasures

There

She is pregnant
Pregnant with joy

This isn't really a poem at all but a list of abstractions. It is so abstract the abstractions are actually modified with more abstractions. Double modified at that. I couldn't find a single salvageable phrase, image or concept in the while thing. I read it through 10 times and each time was a chore. I never learned anything about the narrator (other than that they should read a little poetry before writing) or the elusive "she". Yah, maybe it is a dog, maybe a doe. All i know is that she is overcome with conflicting abstractions.

I just wish there was some solid narrative, some clever usage of language, a single concrete image or any poetic device at all employed here.

I am sure you are a great person but maybe you should work this through the novice forums or try a couple practice exercises before serious.

milo

Pregnant, fat and full of joys
she spends the afternoon at knitting.
When she was thin she kissed the boys;
pregnant. Fat and full of joys
a baby is all burps and toys
and cries and sucks and endless shitting.
Pregnant, fat and full of joys
she spends the afternoon at knitting.

[remotemethod]

The fear of impregnation
Anticipation of hue and cry "fear", "anticipation, "feebleness", "exixtence", "fear" - all abstraction is such a short passage of time. Modern poets need grounding in the concrete. Use imagery and fresh, crisp details as well as sonics and poetic devices to capture your reader.
The feeblness of her existence
The fear of outcry

Absent her will to confront
The unpreparedness
Of her demeanour
Oh! So unprecedented

Shovel loads of raven infatuation
Blazing ambers
All but defenseless
Equipped with a daring ploy
To seed her with ecstasy
Bundled up
With guilty heathen pleasures

There

She is pregnant
Pregnant with joy

This isn't really a poem at all but a list of abstractions. It is so abstract the abstractions are actually modified with more abstractions. Double modified at that. I couldn't find a single salvageable phrase, image or concept in the while thing. I read it through 10 times and each time was a chore. I never learned anything about the narrator (other than that they should read a little poetry before writing) or the elusive "she". Yah, maybe it is a dog, maybe a doe. All i know is that she is overcome with conflicting abstractions.

I just wish there was some solid narrative, some clever usage of language, a single concrete image or any poetic device at all employed here.

I am sure you are a great person but maybe you should work this through the novice forums or try a couple practice exercises before serious.

milo

Pregnant, fat and full of joys
she spends the afternoon at knitting.
When she was thin she kissed the boys;
pregnant. Fat and full of joys
a baby is all burps and toys
and cries and sucks and endless shitting.
Pregnant, fat and full of joys
she spends the afternoon at knitting.

Thanks, Milo. I loved your version of the poem. And I am not laughing (actually I did a little, but in a good way.) It breaks my heart that you felt it was too abstract. Since this is my first submission to this forum and I didn't anticipate such a strong critique looking at rest of the threads; I will try to be more considerate in my future submissions to not hurt anyone's sentiments, but that's not a promise, because partly the purpose of a poem is to evoke strong emotions in readers and unless I am completely delusional I feel it may have provoked you in some way, which is a little achievement in itself. Don't you think? I am grateful though for the time you spent analyzing this poem. And I will try to rescue my reputation a little. The poem is not about her, whoever "she" is. The poem is also not an attempt to amuse or to paint a concrete picture of a subject. This poem is an attempt to leave the reader with a strong feeling of passionate desire and to create a visual of immense joy. May be it fails to do that on both counts for you but I would like to hear what others have to say.

[milo]

The fear of impregnation
Anticipation of hue and cry "fear", "anticipation, "feebleness", "exixtence", "fear" - all abstraction is such a short passage of time. Modern poets need grounding in the concrete. Use imagery and fresh, crisp details as well as sonics and poetic devices to capture your reader.
The feeblness of her existence
The fear of outcry

Absent her will to confront
The unpreparedness
Of her demeanour
Oh! So unprecedented

Shovel loads of raven infatuation
Blazing ambers
All but defenseless
Equipped with a daring ploy
To seed her with ecstasy
Bundled up
With guilty heathen pleasures

There

She is pregnant
Pregnant with joy

This isn't really a poem at all but a list of abstractions. It is so abstract the abstractions are actually modified with more abstractions. Double modified at that. I couldn't find a single salvageable phrase, image or concept in the while thing. I read it through 10 times and each time was a chore. I never learned anything about the narrator (other than that they should read a little poetry before writing) or the elusive "she". Yah, maybe it is a dog, maybe a doe. All i know is that she is overcome with conflicting abstractions.

I just wish there was some solid narrative, some clever usage of language, a single concrete image or any poetic device at all employed here.

I am sure you are a great person but maybe you should work this through the novice forums or try a couple practice exercises before serious.

milo

Pregnant, fat and full of joys
she spends the afternoon at knitting.
When she was thin she kissed the boys;
pregnant. Fat and full of joys
a baby is all burps and toys
and cries and sucks and endless shitting.
Pregnant, fat and full of joys
she spends the afternoon at knitting.

Thanks, Milo. I loved your version of the poem. And I am not laughing (actually I did a little, but in a good way.) It breaks my heart that you felt it was too abstract. Since this is my first submission to this forum and I didn't anticipate such a strong critique looking at rest of the threads; I will try to be more considerate in my future submissions to not hurt anyone's sentiments, but that's not a promise, because partly the purpose of a poem is to evoke strong emotions in readers and unless I am completely delusional I feel it may have provoked you in some way, which is a little achievement in itself. Don't you think? I am grateful though for the time you spent analyzing this poem. And I will try to rescue my reputation a little. The poem is not about her, whoever "she" is. The poem is also not an attempt to amuse or to paint a concrete picture of a subject. This poem is an attempt to leave the reader with a strong feeling of passionate desire and to create a visual of immense joy. May be it fails to do that on both counts for you but I would like to hear what others have to say.

don't worry about your 'reputation', I have written much worse. If your poem is ready for serious critique, post it to serious, but be warned, we rarely offer the 'warm and fuzzies' in serious as this is the place serious work shopping is done!!

Good luck.

[remotemethod]

This isn't really a poem at all but a list of abstractions. It is so abstract the abstractions are actually modified with more abstractions. Double modified at that. I couldn't find a single salvageable phrase, image or concept in the while thing. I read it through 10 times and each time was a chore. I never learned anything about the narrator (other than that they should read a little poetry before writing) or the elusive "she". Yah, maybe it is a dog, maybe a doe. All i know is that she is overcome with conflicting abstractions.

I just wish there was some solid narrative, some clever usage of language, a single concrete image or any poetic device at all employed here.

I am sure you are a great person but maybe you should work this through the novice forums or try a couple practice exercises before serious.

milo

Pregnant, fat and full of joys
she spends the afternoon at knitting.
When she was thin she kissed the boys;
pregnant. Fat and full of joys
a baby is all burps and toys
and cries and sucks and endless shitting.
Pregnant, fat and full of joys
she spends the afternoon at knitting.

Thanks, Milo. I loved your version of the poem. And I am not laughing (actually I did a little, but in a good way.) It breaks my heart that you felt it was too abstract. Since this is my first submission to this forum and I didn't anticipate such a strong critique looking at rest of the threads; I will try to be more considerate in my future submissions to not hurt anyone's sentiments, but that's not a promise, because partly the purpose of a poem is to evoke strong emotions in readers and unless I am completely delusional I feel it may have provoked you in some way, which is a little achievement in itself. Don't you think? I am grateful though for the time you spent analyzing this poem. And I will try to rescue my reputation a little. The poem is not about her, whoever "she" is. The poem is also not an attempt to amuse or to paint a concrete picture of a subject. This poem is an attempt to leave the reader with a strong feeling of passionate desire and to create a visual of immense joy. May be it fails to do that on both counts for you but I would like to hear what others have to say.

don't worry about your 'reputation', I have written much worse. If your poem is ready for serious critique, post it to serious, but be warned, we rarely offer the 'warm and fuzzies' in serious as this is the place serious work shopping is done!!

Good luck.

Thanks!

[R.C. KITCHENS]

The fear of impregnation
Anticipation of hue and cry
The feeblness of her existence
The fear of outcry

Absent her will to confront
The unpreparedness
Of her demeanour
Oh! So unprecedented

Shovel loads of raven infatuation
Blazing ambers
All but defenseless
Equipped with a daring ploy
To seed her with ecstasy
Bundled up
With guilty heathen pleasures

There

She is pregnant
Pregnant with joy

I didn't get the "Joy" of being pregnant from this. I believe this is a rough draft to build from, where you can take this and build it with imagery to make it show or express the feeling of being pregnant. It was very difficult to get anything from it with your word choices and lack of solid images. I agree with milo about trying some warm-ups or novice forum first.

[wystan1000]

Your pain and disappointment at Milo's critique might come from the fact that you thought you had conveyed something clearly, but you hadn't. I had this for a long time. I guess many inept poets have. It probably comes from a desire to use weighty language for whatever reason.
But you will look back at this and laugh. I mean, how do we make sure we get something across? Well, we make sure we know what we are trying to say and then say it as clearly as possible using economical, contemporary, suitable language. Poetry isn't any different. Why should it be?
Good luck.

The fear of impregnation
Anticipation of hue and cry "fear", "anticipation, "feebleness", "exixtence", "fear" - all abstraction is such a short passage of time. Modern poets need grounding in the concrete. Use imagery and fresh, crisp details as well as sonics and poetic devices to capture your reader.
The feeblness of her existence
The fear of outcry

Absent her will to confront
The unpreparedness
Of her demeanour
Oh! So unprecedented

Shovel loads of raven infatuation
Blazing ambers
All but defenseless
Equipped with a daring ploy
To seed her with ecstasy
Bundled up
With guilty heathen pleasures

There

She is pregnant
Pregnant with joy

This isn't really a poem at all but a list of abstractions. It is so abstract the abstractions are actually modified with more abstractions. Double modified at that. I couldn't find a single salvageable phrase, image or concept in the while thing. I read it through 10 times and each time was a chore. I never learned anything about the narrator (other than that they should read a little poetry before writing) or the elusive "she". Yah, maybe it is a dog, maybe a doe. All i know is that she is overcome with conflicting abstractions.

I just wish there was some solid narrative, some clever usage of language, a single concrete image or any poetic device at all employed here.

I am sure you are a great person but maybe you should work this through the novice forums or try a couple practice exercises before serious.

milo

Pregnant, fat and full of joys
she spends the afternoon at knitting.
When she was thin she kissed the boys;
pregnant. Fat and full of joys
a baby is all burps and toys
and cries and sucks and endless shitting.
Pregnant, fat and full of joys
she spends the afternoon at knitting.

Thanks, Milo. I loved your version of the poem. And I am not laughing (actually I did a little, but in a good way.) It breaks my heart that you felt it was too abstract. Since this is my first submission to this forum and I didn't anticipate such a strong critique looking at rest of the threads; I will try to be more considerate in my future submissions to not hurt anyone's sentiments, but that's not a promise, because partly the purpose of a poem is to evoke strong emotions in readers and unless I am completely delusional I feel it may have provoked you in some way, which is a little achievement in itself. Don't you think? I am grateful though for the time you spent analyzing this poem. And I will try to rescue my reputation a little. The poem is not about her, whoever "she" is. The poem is also not an attempt to amuse or to paint a concrete picture of a subject. This poem is an attempt to leave the reader with a strong feeling of passionate desire and to create a visual of immense joy. May be it fails to do that on both counts for you but I would like to hear what others have to say.

[tectak]

The fear of impregnation
Anticipation of hue and cry
The feeblness of her existence
The fear of outcry

Absent her will to confront
The unpreparedness
Of her demeanour
Oh! So unprecedented

Shovel loads of raven infatuation
Blazing ambers
All but defenseless
Equipped with a daring ploy
To seed her with ecstasy
Bundled up
With guilty heathen pleasures

There

She is pregnant
Pregnant with joy

Hi remote,
Well, it is dire. This posting is nothing more than a sackful of badly expressed sentimental twaddle. OK. You may feel that a little harsh but beleve me, it could be a stock phrase. This kind of pseudo-poetic nonsense features strongly on "other"sites where it would be fawned over by peers hoping for mutual back patting...but that would be to do you a great disservice; assuming, of course, that you want to improve in your work...and "work" it is.
This piece is just puerile in that it simplistically assumes that the crits here will be impressed/moved/inspired by over modified hyperbole and glaring yoda-speak. Kid's stuff. "absent her will to confront"?" Oh! so unprecedented". "blazing ambers"?
So what to do?
Please, forget your delusional and failed intent to induce emotional responses in your reader...that is too far ahead in your journey. Get the rudiments in place. Forget trying to put icing on the icing on the icing and just bake a cake. Ingredients are everything. Concept, structure, grammar, syntax, imagery, metaphor, sonics, alliteration, flow, meter and if you wish..rhyme.
This piece is binable. It happens. It was overbaked. Start again. Milo gave you a good recipe. You can modify to suit and it will still be your cake. The metaphor ends here...with poetry, you CAN have your cake and eat it.
Best,
tectak

[remotemethod]

Thanks everybody. I will try and restructure it. I appreciate all the serious analysis. I have been missing this kind of criticism elsewhere. Let me work on it, in the meanwhile, I will submit my other poems and I look forward to hear your opinion on those.

[wystan1000]

Good for you.

[tectak]

Thanks everybody. I will try and restructure it. I appreciate all the serious analysis. I have been missing this kind of criticism elsewhere. Let me work on it, in the meanwhile, I will submit my other poems and I look forward to hear your opinion on those.

Hy remote,
Good egg. You will be well received, I am sure.
Do NOT stop writing!
Best,
tectak

[billy]

Thanks everybody. I will try and restructure it. I appreciate all the serious analysis. I have been missing this kind of criticism elsewhere. Let me work on it, in the meanwhile, I will submit my other poems and I look forward to hear your opinion on those.

all that's been said has been said. that you take it as you did, bodes well for your poetry

now, make sure you give feedback elsewhere ;j;