A time of hose pipe bans and lazy weekends

[billy]

Two hundred and twelve was a sizzler:
Summer emptied it's hot ash pan all over
greedy asthmatics that sucked life from inhalers
before hitting the nation's emergency rooms.
Cooling beer used up electricity
faster than a Tesla experiment in Colorado;
the sun's reflection lived in every bead of salted sweat.

Everyone's kids looked like sun dried tomatoes
covered in whitewash, sun-factor gazillion.
Burnt breasts were proudly hoisted
on freckled forearms and over garden fences.
The t shirt was in, then off; men strutted like cocks
and showed off six packs, old men under hankies
pulled in one packs, but not for long.

Ugly girls were pretty too, in the heat
nipples drilled into a casual glance, or seasoned stare.
braver ones whipped them out for an even tan.
If you were lucky you got to cream them up.
Sometimes it was scary, the kids giggled
and threw water balloons from upstairs windows
The dog lay in the shade between the garage
and the shed, panting.

[Brownlie]

Two hundred and twelve was a sizzler:
Summer emptied it's hot ash pan all over
greedy asthmatics that sucked life from inhalers
before hitting the nation's emergency rooms.
Cooling beer used up electricity
faster than a Tesla experiment in Colorado;
the sun's reflection lived in every bead of salted sweat.

Everyone's kids looked like sun dried tomatoes
covered in whitewash, sun-factor gazillion. I'm not sure about the word gazillion
Burnt breasts were proudly hoisted - Very interesting sentiment I think you could provide a detail so the reader can infer that the breasts were being proudly hoisted
on freckled forearms and over garden fences. -- I like the detail on the freckled forearms,
The t shirt was in, then off; men strutted like cocks
and showed off six packs, old men under hankies
pulled in one packs, but not for long. -- The humor can be effective here but six packs is a cliche I think you can be more original

Ugly girls were pretty too, in the heat -- I really like this sentiment perhaps you could use details to show how the ugly girls were also pretty. It seems the word "pretty" is being questioned here.nipples drilled into a casual glance, or seasoned stare.
braver ones whipped them out for an even tan.
If you were lucky you got to cream them up.
Sometimes it was scary, the kids giggled
and threw water balloons from upstairs windows
The dog lay in the shade between the garage
and the shed, panting. -- All these concrete details work well

I would avoid adjectives like "ugly" and cliches like "six packs" but you have some interesting ideas that can be expanded on. If you could add a narrative where some sort of action takes place that changes a character or something I think the piece would get stronger.

[billy]

thanks for the feedback

[R.C. KITCHENS]

Two hundred and twelve was a sizzler:
Summer emptied it's hot ash pan all over
greedy asthmatics that sucked life from inhalers
before hitting the nation's emergency rooms.
Cooling beer used up electricity
faster than a Tesla experiment in Colorado;
the sun's reflection lived in every bead of salted sweat.

Everyone's kids looked like sun dried tomatoes
covered in whitewash, sun-factor gazillion.
I dont know what gazillion is? seems unrealistic
Burnt breasts were proudly hoisted
on freckled forearms and over garden fences.
The t shirt was in, then off; men strutted like cocks
and showed off six packs
I think a different word for six packs would be good here
old men under hankies
pulled in one packs, but not for long.

Ugly girls were pretty too,curious how ugly girls were pretty too.
in the heat
nipples drilled into a casual glance, or seasoned stare.
braver ones whipped them out for an even tan.
If you were lucky you got to cream them up.I like this well
Sometimes it was scary, the kids giggled
and threw water balloons from upstairs windows
The dog lay in the shade between the garage
and the shed, panting.

Nice visuals. The action at the end was good with the kids giggling and throwing water balloons from upstair windows. Alittle more action in this piece would be cool but not required. It was a good read.

[cidermaid]

Hi Billy,
Two hundred and twelve you say...I remember hosepipe bans...in the Uk the standpipes had to be fitted via a row boat and the people taken to court for breaking the ban were washing the flood water and mud off thier cars - true story!

Not had as much time for this as i would like but here is what I've scanned before off to play with my bag-in box cider...hours of fun.

Two hundred and twelve was a sizzler: Like the plain no fuss opener. (also like the alliteration onto summer from sizzler).
Summer emptied it's hot ash pan all over Not sure it’s needs the apostrophe. Love the image.
greedy asthmatics that sucked life from inhalers ? should that be who sucked. (great reversal from standard image of life sucked from a person)
before hitting the nation's emergency rooms. Nice junky / addict type image.
Cooling beer used up electricity
faster than a Tesla experiment in Colorado;
the sun's reflection lived in every bead of salted sweat.

Everyone's kids looked like sun dried tomatoes The sun dried tomatoes image made me think of wrinkled and old rather than the hot red image I think perhaps you were going for.
covered in whitewash, sun-factor gazillion. I like the use of gazillion. (I take this as a child speak sort of thing …as in what number comes after a billion times billion…so for me reinforces the image of the children and also has a image play of overzealous parents). Think perhaps a dash rather than a comma after whitewash might define the exaggeration or even a full stop and use speach indentations for the voice of the kids – Just an idea.
Burnt breasts were proudly hoisted
on freckled forearms and over garden fences.
The t shirt was in, then off; men strutted like cocks Think a dash is needed to connect t to shirt.
and showed off six packs, old men under hankies
pulled in one packs, but not for long. Love these two lines – so sad but true.



Ugly girls were pretty too, in the heat
nipples drilled into a casual glance, or seasoned stare.
braver ones whipped them out for an even tan.
If you were lucky you got to cream them up. Naughty. It had to be in there somewhere. Its a Billy poem Love it.
Sometimes it was scary, the kids giggled Not sure that water balloons conjure an image of scary for me. More like it got silly. But like the action and image of the close.
and threw water balloons from upstairs windows
The dog lay in the shade between the garage
and the shed, panting.

Overall a easy and fun read to be enjoyed. AJ.

[tectak]

Two hundred and twelve was a sizzler:Holy shit, how old are you billy? Two thousand, surely? Still scans so maybe change it? Unless, of course, you are talking degrees fahrenheit!!!
Summer emptied it's hot ash pan all overA lost metaphor because I cannot get the Pompeii purpose. Why ash?
greedy asthmatics that sucked life from inhalersThis seems a peculiarly targetted group in such a diverse situation. I can see it, but I am uncomfortable with the ethical points. "Greedy" though adequately describing the action is not framed as a metaphor but as a comment. "Asthmatics sucked life from hissing inhalors, with need close to greed, in emergency rooms". Your poem.
before hitting the nation's emergency rooms.
Cooling beer used up electricity
faster than a Tesla experiment in Colorado;A semicolon here is wrong. The Colorado clause (and I like it) is complete. There is no requirement to link to "...the sun's reflection..." so encapsulate the clause with a full stop after Colorado. I like semicolons but not always.
the sun's reflection lived in every bead of salted sweat."Salted" is superfluous. Without it, the line scans smoother, too.

Everyone's kids looked like sun dried tomatoes I don't know about this. "All of the kids looked like sun-dried tomatoes" seems easier. Again, your poem, but I just do not see the need for parental possessiveness as a kiddy characteristic.
covered in whitewash, sun-factor gazillion.Hmmm. OK. A gazillion I know. Yep, as a throwaway it works...but you wouldn't get it past the ASA
Burnt breasts were proudly hoisted
on freckled forearms and over garden fences.Like this. Seen it. Yes to freckled people burning...er...as an observation not a wish
The t shirt was in, then off; men strutted like cocks
and showed off six packs, old men under hankies
pulled in one packs, but not for long.This is clunking along. You are trying to say too much about too many things in too short a time. Split this up in to identifiable cameos. Take some time over it.

Ugly girls were pretty too, in the heatFullstop after too. New sentence, comma after heat at line end.
nipples drilled into a casual glance, or seasoned stare.
braver ones whipped them out for an even tan. You are now stumbling in to the last furlong and it is down hill. "braver ones" is unrelatable.Define who you are referring too. " Breasts of the brave were whipped out, to tan even, and if you were lucky you might cream them up." A bit vernacular, but that's the point, I guess.
If you were lucky you got to cream them up.
Sometimes it was scary, the kids giggledSometimes it was scary as heat-stroked kids giggled,
and threw water ballons from windows upstairs.
and threw water balloons from upstairs windows
The dog lay in the shade between the garage
and the shed, panting.Phew!

Hi billy,
A good job overall. I get a bit precious over rhythm in free verse/prose because I just do not see any virtue in avoiding ALL poetic endeavour and just splitting up text with line breaks. Some do. Listen to them and go home happy
You win on concept....as always.
Best,
tectak

[billy]

thanks to all for the feedback. will do an edit sometime this week

i will change ash can to trash can. i'll ponder the rest

---

oh yeash, (i sound like connery's bond) it was meant to be two thousand

[milo]

thanks to all for the feedback. will do an edit sometime this week

i will change ash can to trash can. i'll ponder the rest

---

oh yeash, (i sound like connery's bond) it was meant to be two thousand

I wanted to offer something constructive, I read it around 12 or 13 times now. There were a couple places where the diction or rhythm threw me but those have all been covered already so instead I will just say:

Enjoyed the read.
Nice Job!
Thanks for posting.