War Memorials Edit 3 (Billy, Milo, and Tectack)

[Brownlie]

3rd Edited Version: Not happy with the last line

Go Visit stately shrines to battle, you
can find embalming bodies bleaching dry.
In plaster casts of marble, dying cries
are mute. In placid pools no ripples rue
for breezing eddies calmly ring untrue.
In stone sepulchers, crafted bodies lie.
as drying husks these bled corpses belie
the tragic tales of blood that Bled too soon.

Cement and concrete encase us in war
The oracles are burning laurel leaves
Inhaling poison smoke and men believe
In rousing fiddle tunes of troubadours.
Forgetting fleshy skin men join the corps
To follow marshal tunes of crafted lore.


1st Edited Version:

Go Visit our shrines to battle, so you
can find embalming bodies bleaching dry.
In plaster casts of marble dying cries
are mute. In placid pools of absent rue
the utter sounds of tragedy ring untrue.
In stone sepulchers, crafted bodies lie.
Displayed as husks these frozen bodies dry
the dying men of blood that Bled for you.

So we erected shrines to gods of war.
So we can build our young men brave. So they
can march to mummy tunes erected brave
and if they are not statuesque as myths
the young who dare not fight become with war
enamored. Wishing they were stony myths.



Original:

If you visit our shrines to warriors you
will find embalmed bodies bleached dry.
In plaster casts of marble dying cries
are muted. In placid pools no one rues
the utter sounds of tragedy ringing true.
In holy sepulchers false bodies lie.
Displayed corpses with frozen bodies dry
the dead men of their blood. Bled for you?

So we have erected shrines to our war gods.
So we can build our young men heroes. So they
can march to mummified tunes and be brave.
and if they are not brave let myths torture
the young who do not fight. Let them all crave
Glory won from slaughter. We create soldiers.

[tectak]

If you visit our shrines to warriors you
will find embalmed bodies bleached dry.
In plaster casts of marble dying cries2
are muted. In placid pools no one rues
the utter sounds of tragedy ringing true.
In holy sepulchers false bodies lie.
Displayed corpses with frozen bodies dry
the dead men of their blood. Bled for you? there is only a hint of a rhyme scheme in this stanza...not enough fo convince me that you are seriously writing rhyming verse. See end. There are also syntax sorties into the unknown.

So we have erected shrines to our war gods.
So we can build our young men heroes. So they
can march to mummified tunes and be brave.
and if they are not brave let myths torture
the young who do not fight. Let them all crave
Glory won from slaughter. We create soldiers.

Hi brownlie,
I don't often say this but you would have been better advised by your muse to rhyme this one...why? Well, first of all it is not actually saying anything new in a new way. It is opinionated ( dogmatically so) but not conclusive so there is no acceptable "universal" or absolute truth in it. Your use of the impertinently conditional "so" word clatters the reader through the second stanza but without having given a weighty enough argument to support the conclusions in stanza the first.
In fact, the piece reads rather like an impotent rant which has no trigger...and therein lies the problem.
Without the benefit of a contemporaneous catalyst you write for a reason that I, as the reader, cannot relate to...except, of course, the bits I have read before...many times.
So why rhyme it?
Well, rhyming is a discipline which if done well can bring a new sense of appreciation to what in fact is a rather mundane piece. You will note, I hope, that I am not rubbishing the concept...I am suggesting that there is little else you could add in terms of density or texture. Rhyming it may give it an "edge".
Best,
tectak

[Brownlie]

If you visit our shrines to warriors you
will find embalmed bodies bleached dry.
In plaster casts of marble dying cries
are muted. In placid pools no one rues
the utter sounds of tragedy ringing true.
In holy sepulchers false bodies lie.
Displayed corpses with frozen bodies dry
the dead men of their blood. Bled for you? there is only a hint of a rhyme scheme in this stanza...not enough fo convince me that you are seriously writing rhyming verse. See end. There are also syntax sorties into the unknown.

So we have erected shrines to our war gods.
So we can build our young men heroes. So they
can march to mummified tunes and be brave.
and if they are not brave let myths torture
the young who do not fight. Let them all crave
Glory won from slaughter. We create soldiers.

Hi brownlie,
I don't often say this but you would have been better advised by your muse to rhyme this one...why? Well, first of all it is not actually saying anything new in a new way. It is opinionated ( dogmatically so) but not conclusive so there is no acceptable "universal" or absolute truth in it. Your use of the impertinently conditional "so" word clatters the reader through the second stanza but without having given a weighty enough argument to support the conclusions in stanza the first.
In fact, the piece reads rather like an impotent rant which has no trigger...and therein lies the problem.
Without the benefit of a contemporaneous catalyst you write for reason that I, as the reader, can relate to...except, of course, the bits I have read before...many times.
So why rhyme it?
Well, rhyming is a discipline which if done well can bring a new sense of appreciation to what in fact is a rather mundane piece. You will note, I hope, that I am not rubbishing the concept...I am suggesting that there is little else you could add in terms of density or texture. Rhyming it may give it an "edge".
Best,
tectak

I used a rhyme scheme but they are not full rhymes and I believe that contributes to a fault in this piece I guess you would call the rhymes half rhymes or slant rhymes. I tried to maintain the scheme of ABBAABBA CDDECE. If there is an approrpriate place for such rhymes I would be curious to find out. I agree with the opinionated part and I like your point about there not being enough evidence in the first stanza. Thanks for putting some thought into the poem I owe you one.

[tectak]

If you visit our shrines to warriors you
will find embalmed bodies bleached dry.
In plaster casts of marble dying cries
are muted. In placid pools no one rues
the utter sounds of tragedy ringing true.
In holy sepulchers false bodies lie.
Displayed corpses with frozen bodies dry
the dead men of their blood. Bled for you? there is only a hint of a rhyme scheme in this stanza...not enough fo convince me that you are seriously writing rhyming verse. See end. There are also syntax sorties into the unknown.

So we have erected shrines to our war gods.
So we can build our young men heroes. So they
can march to mummified tunes and be brave.
and if they are not brave let myths torture
the young who do not fight. Let them all crave
Glory won from slaughter. We create soldiers.

Hi brownlie,
I don't often say this but you would have been better advised by your muse to rhyme this one...why? Well, first of all it is not actually saying anything new in a new way. It is opinionated ( dogmatically so) but not conclusive so there is no acceptable "universal" or absolute truth in it. Your use of the impertinently conditional "so" word clatters the reader through the second stanza but without having given a weighty enough argument to support the conclusions in stanza the first.
In fact, the piece reads rather like an impotent rant which has no trigger...and therein lies the problem.
Without the benefit of a contemporaneous catalyst you write for a reason that I, as the reader, cannot relate to...except, of course, the bits I have read before...many times.
So why rhyme it?
Well, rhyming is a discipline which if done well can bring a new sense of appreciation to what in fact is a rather mundane piece. You will note, I hope, that I am not rubbishing the concept...I am suggesting that there is little else you could add in terms of density or texture. Rhyming it may give it an "edge".
Best,
tectak

I used a rhyme scheme but they are not full rhymes and I believe that contributes to a fault in this piece I guess you would call the rhymes half rhymes or slant rhymes. I tried to maintain the scheme of ABBAABBA CDDECE. If there is an approrpriate place for such rhymes I would be curious to find out. I agree with the opinionated part and I like your point about there not being enough evidence in the first stanza. Thanks for putting some thought into the poem I owe you one.

---

If you visit our shrines to warriors you
will find embalmed bodies bleached dry.
In plaster casts of marble dying cries
are muted. In placid pools no one rues
the utter sounds of tragedy ringing true.
In holy sepulchers false bodies lie.
Displayed corpses with frozen bodies dry
the dead men of their blood. Bled for you? there is only a hint of a rhyme scheme in this stanza...not enough fo convince me that you are seriously writing rhyming verse. See end. There are also syntax sorties into the unknown.

So we have erected shrines to our war gods.
So we can build our young men heroes. So they
can march to mummified tunes and be brave.
and if they are not brave let myths torture
the young who do not fight. Let them all crave
Glory won from slaughter. We create soldiers.

Hi brownlie,
I don't often say this but you would have been better advised by your muse to rhyme this one...why? Well, first of all it is not actually saying anything new in a new way. It is opinionated ( dogmatically so) but not conclusive so there is no acceptable "universal" or absolute truth in it. Your use of the impertinently conditional "so" word clatters the reader through the second stanza but without having given a weighty enough argument to support the conclusions in stanza the first.
In fact, the piece reads rather like an impotent rant which has no trigger...and therein lies the problem.
Without the benefit of a contemporaneous catalyst you write for a reason that I, as the reader, cannot relate to...except, of course, the bits I have read before...many times.
So why rhyme it?
Well, rhyming is a discipline which if done well can bring a new sense of appreciation to what in fact is a rather mundane piece. You will note, I hope, that I am not rubbishing the concept...I am suggesting that there is little else you could add in terms of density or texture. Rhyming it may give it an "edge".
Best,
tectak

I used a rhyme scheme but they are not full rhymes and I believe that contributes to a fault in this piece I guess you would call the rhymes half rhymes or slant rhymes. I tried to maintain the scheme of ABBAABBA CDDECE. If there is an approrpriate place for such rhymes I would be curious to find out. I agree with the opinionated part and I like your point about there not being enough evidence in the first stanza. Thanks for putting some thought into the poem I owe you one.

Cheers...I'll have a large Highland Park.

[milo]

If you visit our shrines to warriors you
will find embalmed bodies bleached dry.
In plaster casts of marble dying cries This sentence doesn't make sense, is it the superfluous "of"?

are muted. In placid pools no one rues
the utter sounds of tragedy ringing true. "ringing true" is forced for whyme and the whole syntax is botched. Maybe comma after rues and "they" instead of "the" would fix

In holy sepulchers false bodies lie. I love the word "sepulchers" which I forgot, prepare to read many more poems with the word sepulcher (actually sepulchral most likely)
Displayed corpses with frozen bodies dry many of your adjectives are distracting from the reading /displayed/ corpses, etc.
the dead men of their blood. Bled for you?

So we have erected shrines to our war gods.
So we can build our young men heroes. So they
can march to mummified tunes and be brave.
and if they are not brave let myths torture
the young who do not fight. Let them all crave
Glory won from slaughter. We create soldiers.

Is this your first attempt at a petrarchan? If so, congratulations at working through the form. The slant rhymes didn't bother me like they did the ticcy-taccy one, but the meter is botched up pretty good, I could diagram it for you if you like or pad to perfect meter for you to fix later if it is giving you the buggers.

[tectak]

If you visit our shrines to warriors you
will find embalmed bodies bleached dry.
In plaster casts of marble dying cries This sentence doesn't make sense, is it the superfluous "of"?

are muted. In placid pools no one rues
the utter sounds of tragedy ringing true. "ringing true" is forced for whyme and the whole syntax is botched. Maybe comma after rues and "they" instead of "the" would fix

In holy sepulchers false bodies lie. I love the word "sepulchers" which I forgot, prepare to read many more poems with the word sepulcher (actually sepulchral most likely)
Displayed corpses with frozen bodies dry many of your adjectives are distracting from the reading /displayed/ corpses, etc.
the dead men of their blood. Bled for you?

So we have erected shrines to our war gods.
So we can build our young men heroes. So they
can march to mummified tunes and be brave.
and if they are not brave let myths torture
the young who do not fight. Let them all crave
Glory won from slaughter. We create soldiers.

Is this your first attempt at a petrarchan? If so, congratulations at working through the form. The slant rhymes didn't bother me like they did the ticcy-taccy one, but the meter is botched up pretty good, I could diagram it for you if you like or pad to perfect meter for you to fix later if it is giving you the buggers.

Sans torro! I didn't get the petrarchan! I have two excuses. I wasn't looking for it AND the traditional limitation on number of different rhymes can very easily come across as a weakness.
Sorry brownlie...but though I credit you wholeheartedly with the effort...I still feel that this form only works effectively with strong rhymes.
Best,
tectak

[Brownlie]

If you visit our shrines to warriors you
will find embalmed bodies bleached dry.
In plaster casts of marble dying cries This sentence doesn't make sense, is it the superfluous "of"?

are muted. In placid pools no one rues
the utter sounds of tragedy ringing true. "ringing true" is forced for whyme and the whole syntax is botched. Maybe comma after rues and "they" instead of "the" would fix

In holy sepulchers false bodies lie. I love the word "sepulchers" which I forgot, prepare to read many more poems with the word sepulcher (actually sepulchral most likely)
Displayed corpses with frozen bodies dry many of your adjectives are distracting from the reading /displayed/ corpses, etc.
the dead men of their blood. Bled for you?

So we have erected shrines to our war gods.
So we can build our young men heroes. So they
can march to mummified tunes and be brave.
and if they are not brave let myths torture
the young who do not fight. Let them all crave
Glory won from slaughter. We create soldiers.

Is this your first attempt at a petrarchan? If so, congratulations at working through the form. The slant rhymes didn't bother me like they did the ticcy-taccy one, but the meter is botched up pretty good, I could diagram it for you if you like or pad to perfect meter for you to fix later if it is giving you the buggers.

Thank you for reading Milo, your comments are great. This is the second Petrarchan I've tried to write but I am having trouble with the meter. Any corrections and/or marks to show where it is messed up would be very useful to me. As for the rhymes, I believe perfect rhymes may usually be preferred over slant rhymes unless they sound forced, or perhaps unless you want to emphasize something by using full rhyme more sparsely. Thanks again guys.

[milo]

If you visit our shrines to warriors you
will find embalmed bodies bleached dry.
In plaster casts of marble dying cries This sentence doesn't make sense, is it the superfluous "of"?

are muted. In placid pools no one rues
the utter sounds of tragedy ringing true. "ringing true" is forced for whyme and the whole syntax is botched. Maybe comma after rues and "they" instead of "the" would fix

In holy sepulchers false bodies lie. I love the word "sepulchers" which I forgot, prepare to read many more poems with the word sepulcher (actually sepulchral most likely)
Displayed corpses with frozen bodies dry many of your adjectives are distracting from the reading /displayed/ corpses, etc.
the dead men of their blood. Bled for you?

So we have erected shrines to our war gods.
So we can build our young men heroes. So they
can march to mummified tunes and be brave.
and if they are not brave let myths torture
the young who do not fight. Let them all crave
Glory won from slaughter. We create soldiers.

Is this your first attempt at a petrarchan? If so, congratulations at working through the form. The slant rhymes didn't bother me like they did the ticcy-taccy one, but the meter is botched up pretty good, I could diagram it for you if you like or pad to perfect meter for you to fix later if it is giving you the buggers.

Thank you for reading Milo, your comments are great. This is the second Petrarchan I've tried to write but I am having trouble with the meter. Any corrections and/or marks to show where it is messed up would be very useful to me. As for the rhymes, I believe perfect rhymes may usually be preferred over slant rhymes unless they sound forced, or perhaps unless you want to emphasize something by using full rhyme more sparsely. Thanks again guys.

Yes, I should have been more careful about the rhyme statement. After you have done your first hundred or so feel free to mess around, till then it might be best to master the rules, so to speak, before you start breaking them.

If you visit our shrines to warriors you IFyou VIsit Our SHRINESto WARi ORSyou - Trochaic Hexameter
will find embalmed bodies bleached dry. willFIND emBALMED BOdies BLEACHEDDRY - iamb, iamb, trochee, spondee - four feet
In plaster casts of marble dying cries inPLAS terCASTS ofMAR bleDY ingCRIES ***IP***
are muted. In placid pools no one rues areMU tedinPLA cidPOOLS NOone RUES iamb, anapest, iamb, troche, m.ending - 4 feet
the utter sounds of tragedy ringing true. theUT terSOUNDs ofTRA gedyRING ingTRUE - iamb iamb iamb anapest inamb - 5 feet - ip, odd sub
In holy sepulchers false bodies lie. inHO lysePUL chersFALSE BODies LIE - iamb anapest iamb troche m.end 4 feet
Displayed corpses with frozen bodies dry disPLAYED CORPses withFRO zenBO diesDRY - iamb, troch, iamb, iamb, iamb - ip com. sub
the dead men of their blood. Bled for you? theDEAD MENof theirBLOOD BLEDfor YOU - iamb, troch, iamb, troch, m.end

So we have erected shrines to our war gods. soWE haveerEC tedSHRINES toO urWAR gods - iamb, anapest, iamb, troch, iam f.end - 5 feet mixed meter
So we can build our young men heroes. So they soWE canBUILD ourYOUNG menHE roessoTHEY - iamb, iamb, iamb, iamb, anapest - ip oddsub.
can march to mummified tunes and be brave. canMARCH toMUM iffiedTUNES andbeBRAVE - iamb, iamb, anapest, anapest - 4 feet mixed meter
and if they are not brave let myths torture andIF theyARE notBRAVE letMYTHS TORture - 4 iambs 1 troch - oddsub.
the young who do not fight. Let them all crave theYOUNG whoDO notFIGHT letTHEM allCRAVE - ***IP***
Glory won from slaughter. We create soldiers. GLOry WONfrom SLAughter WEcre ATESOLD iers - troch, troch, troch, troch, spond, f.end - TP com.sub


There is the diagram for you, try to fix it, if you can't, I can "pad" to perfect ip and then you can just sub words for the words I put in.

[Brownlie]

Is this your first attempt at a petrarchan? If so, congratulations at working through the form. The slant rhymes didn't bother me like they did the ticcy-taccy one, but the meter is botched up pretty good, I could diagram it for you if you like or pad to perfect meter for you to fix later if it is giving you the buggers.

Thank you for reading Milo, your comments are great. This is the second Petrarchan I've tried to write but I am having trouble with the meter. Any corrections and/or marks to show where it is messed up would be very useful to me. As for the rhymes, I believe perfect rhymes may usually be preferred over slant rhymes unless they sound forced, or perhaps unless you want to emphasize something by using full rhyme more sparsely. Thanks again guys.

Yes, I should have been more careful about the rhyme statement. After you have done your first hundred or so feel free to mess around, till then it might be best to master the rules, so to speak, before you start breaking them.

If you visit our shrines to warriors you IFyou VIsit Our SHRINESto WARi ORSyou - Trochaic Hexameter
will find embalmed bodies bleached dry. willFIND emBALMED BOdies BLEACHEDDRY - iamb, iamb, trochee, spondee - four feet
In plaster casts of marble dying cries inPLAS terCASTS ofMAR bleDY ingCRIES ***IP***
are muted. In placid pools no one rues areMU tedinPLA cidPOOLS NOone RUES iamb, anapest, iamb, troche, m.ending - 4 feet
the utter sounds of tragedy ringing true. theUT terSOUNDs ofTRA gedyRING ingTRUE - iamb iamb iamb anapest inamb - 5 feet - ip, odd sub
In holy sepulchers false bodies lie. inHO lysePUL chersFALSE BODies LIE - iamb anapest iamb troche m.end 4 feet
Displayed corpses with frozen bodies dry disPLAYED CORPses withFRO zenBO diesDRY - iamb, troch, iamb, iamb, iamb - ip com. sub
the dead men of their blood. Bled for you? theDEAD MENof theirBLOOD BLEDfor YOU - iamb, troch, iamb, troch, m.end

So we have erected shrines to our war gods. soWE haveerEC tedSHRINES toO urWAR gods - iamb, anapest, iamb, troch, iam f.end - 5 feet mixed meter
So we can build our young men heroes. So they soWE canBUILD ourYOUNG menHE roessoTHEY - iamb, iamb, iamb, iamb, anapest - ip oddsub.
can march to mummified tunes and be brave. canMARCH toMUM iffiedTUNES andbeBRAVE - iamb, iamb, anapest, anapest - 4 feet mixed meter
and if they are not brave let myths torture andIF theyARE notBRAVE letMYTHS TORture - 4 iambs 1 troch - oddsub.
the young who do not fight. Let them all crave theYOUNG whoDO notFIGHT letTHEM allCRAVE - ***IP***
Glory won from slaughter. We create soldiers. GLOry WONfrom SLAughter WEcre ATESOLD iers - troch, troch, troch, troch, spond, f.end - TP com.sub


There is the diagram for you, try to fix it, if you can't, I can "pad" to perfect ip and then you can just sub words for the words I put in.

I am going to try to work it out but if it is not a total waste of your time I'd like to see how you would "pad" it to perfect.

[Bunx]

hmm about time for a emotional response. can anyone say han solo. man. i know exactly what you are getting at with "frozen" warriors. iron propaganda being cemented infront of my virgin eyes. god damn. what a great poem good sir. touche

[milo]

Thank you for reading Milo, your comments are great. This is the second Petrarchan I've tried to write but I am having trouble with the meter. Any corrections and/or marks to show where it is messed up would be very useful to me. As for the rhymes, I believe perfect rhymes may usually be preferred over slant rhymes unless they sound forced, or perhaps unless you want to emphasize something by using full rhyme more sparsely. Thanks again guys.

Yes, I should have been more careful about the rhyme statement. After you have done your first hundred or so feel free to mess around, till then it might be best to master the rules, so to speak, before you start breaking them.

If you visit our shrines to warriors you IFyou VIsit Our SHRINESto WARi ORSyou - Trochaic Hexameter
will find embalmed bodies bleached dry. willFIND emBALMED BOdies BLEACHEDDRY - iamb, iamb, trochee, spondee - four feet
In plaster casts of marble dying cries inPLAS terCASTS ofMAR bleDY ingCRIES ***IP***
are muted. In placid pools no one rues areMU tedinPLA cidPOOLS NOone RUES iamb, anapest, iamb, troche, m.ending - 4 feet
the utter sounds of tragedy ringing true. theUT terSOUNDs ofTRA gedyRING ingTRUE - iamb iamb iamb anapest inamb - 5 feet - ip, odd sub
In holy sepulchers false bodies lie. inHO lysePUL chersFALSE BODies LIE - iamb anapest iamb troche m.end 4 feet
Displayed corpses with frozen bodies dry disPLAYED CORPses withFRO zenBO diesDRY - iamb, troch, iamb, iamb, iamb - ip com. sub
the dead men of their blood. Bled for you? theDEAD MENof theirBLOOD BLEDfor YOU - iamb, troch, iamb, troch, m.end

So we have erected shrines to our war gods. soWE haveerEC tedSHRINES toO urWAR gods - iamb, anapest, iamb, troch, iam f.end - 5 feet mixed meter
So we can build our young men heroes. So they soWE canBUILD ourYOUNG menHE roessoTHEY - iamb, iamb, iamb, iamb, anapest - ip oddsub.
can march to mummified tunes and be brave. canMARCH toMUM iffiedTUNES andbeBRAVE - iamb, iamb, anapest, anapest - 4 feet mixed meter
and if they are not brave let myths torture andIF theyARE notBRAVE letMYTHS TORture - 4 iambs 1 troch - oddsub.
the young who do not fight. Let them all crave theYOUNG whoDO notFIGHT letTHEM allCRAVE - ***IP***
Glory won from slaughter. We create soldiers. GLOry WONfrom SLAughter WEcre ATESOLD iers - troch, troch, troch, troch, spond, f.end - TP com.sub


There is the diagram for you, try to fix it, if you can't, I can "pad" to perfect ip and then you can just sub words for the words I put in.

I am going to try to work it out but if it is not a total waste of your time I'd like to see how you would "pad" it to perfect.

Here I will do the octet for you:

So If you visit shrines to soldiers, you
will find the bodies, left to bleach and dry.
In plaster casts of marble, every cry
is muted. Placid pools won't shirk or rue
the sounds of tragedy as it rings true.
In chaste sepulchers false-laid bodies lie.
Displayed as corpses, bodies ossify
and heroes turn to stone for you to view.


I can't really do the sestet properly as you are missing a rhyme for "gods", you will need to reconcile that or I will end up re-writing the whole thing.

[Brownlie]

Yes, I should have been more careful about the rhyme statement. After you have done your first hundred or so feel free to mess around, till then it might be best to master the rules, so to speak, before you start breaking them.

If you visit our shrines to warriors you IFyou VIsit Our SHRINESto WARi ORSyou - Trochaic Hexameter
will find embalmed bodies bleached dry. willFIND emBALMED BOdies BLEACHEDDRY - iamb, iamb, trochee, spondee - four feet
In plaster casts of marble dying cries inPLAS terCASTS ofMAR bleDY ingCRIES ***IP***
are muted. In placid pools no one rues areMU tedinPLA cidPOOLS NOone RUES iamb, anapest, iamb, troche, m.ending - 4 feet
the utter sounds of tragedy ringing true. theUT terSOUNDs ofTRA gedyRING ingTRUE - iamb iamb iamb anapest inamb - 5 feet - ip, odd sub
In holy sepulchers false bodies lie. inHO lysePUL chersFALSE BODies LIE - iamb anapest iamb troche m.end 4 feet
Displayed corpses with frozen bodies dry disPLAYED CORPses withFRO zenBO diesDRY - iamb, troch, iamb, iamb, iamb - ip com. sub
the dead men of their blood. Bled for you? theDEAD MENof theirBLOOD BLEDfor YOU - iamb, troch, iamb, troch, m.end

So we have erected shrines to our war gods. soWE haveerEC tedSHRINES toO urWAR gods - iamb, anapest, iamb, troch, iam f.end - 5 feet mixed meter
So we can build our young men heroes. So they soWE canBUILD ourYOUNG menHE roessoTHEY - iamb, iamb, iamb, iamb, anapest - ip oddsub.
can march to mummified tunes and be brave. canMARCH toMUM iffiedTUNES andbeBRAVE - iamb, iamb, anapest, anapest - 4 feet mixed meter
and if they are not brave let myths torture andIF theyARE notBRAVE letMYTHS TORture - 4 iambs 1 troch - oddsub.
the young who do not fight. Let them all crave theYOUNG whoDO notFIGHT letTHEM allCRAVE - ***IP***
Glory won from slaughter. We create soldiers. GLOry WONfrom SLAughter WEcre ATESOLD iers - troch, troch, troch, troch, spond, f.end - TP com.sub


There is the diagram for you, try to fix it, if you can't, I can "pad" to perfect ip and then you can just sub words for the words I put in.

I am going to try to work it out but if it is not a total waste of your time I'd like to see how you would "pad" it to perfect.

Here I will do the octet for you:

So If you visit shrines to soldiers, you
will find the bodies, left to bleach and dry.
In plaster casts of marble, every cry
is muted. Placid pools won't shirk or rue
the sounds of tragedy as it rings true.
In chaste sepulchers false-laid bodies lie.
Displayed as corpses, bodies ossify
and heroes turn to stone for you to view.


I can't really do the sestet properly as you are missing a rhyme for "gods", you will need to reconcile that or I will end up re-writing the whole thing.

Thank you for your efforts Milo I relied heavily on your commments concerning the meter of the poem. Ossify would have been a great word to use in this poem. I still think that the edited version has some problems with the meter I would like you to take another look if you have the time.

[milo]

Edit Version:

Go Visit our shrines to battle, so you
can find embalming bodies bleaching dry.
In plaster casts of marble dying cries
are mute. In placid pools of absent rue
the utter sounds of tragedy ring untrue.
In stone sepulchers, crafted bodies lie.
Displayed as husks these frozen bodies dry
the dying men of blood that Bled for you.

So we erected shrines to gods of war.
So we can build our young men brave. So they
can march to mummy tunes erected brave
and if they are not statuesque as myths
the young who dare not fight become with war
enamored. Wishing they were stony myths.

you rhyme "you" with "you", "dry" with "dry" "war" with "war and "myths" with "myths".

I admire people who like to break rules but it is /not/ working here.

[Brownlie]

Edit Version:

Go Visit our shrines to battle, so you
can find embalming bodies bleaching dry.
In plaster casts of marble dying cries
are mute. In placid pools of absent rue
the utter sounds of tragedy ring untrue.
In stone sepulchers, crafted bodies lie.
Displayed as husks these frozen bodies dry
the dying men of blood that Bled for you.

So we erected shrines to gods of war.
So we can build our young men brave. So they
can march to mummy tunes erected brave
and if they are not statuesque as myths
the young who dare not fight become with war
enamored. Wishing they were stony myths.

you rhyme "you" with "you", "dry" with "dry" "war" with "war and "myths" with "myths".

I admire people who like to break rules but it is /not/ working here.

well, at least your honest. I never thought of rhyming the same words as a stipulation but I guess I see how the technique could be considered cheap.

[billy]

unless it's a refrain of some sort sort, it's classed as repetition in most cases. what makes it worse than normal is that they're end of line words which makes them stand out much more than normal. (in answer to your last post.) you also use shrines twice, there are a lot of So's in the last section and i'm not sure if the rhyme scheme in that section is correct, (what does soldiers rhyme with?) i can't say anything really that milo hasn't already mentioned apart from keep practising iambic if you want it to come easier. i think you're doing a great job in coming to terms with workshopping

Edit Version:

Go Visit our shrines to battle, so you [le so] are two unstressed syllables.[our shrines] are two stressed syls. (not iambic)
can find embalming bodies bleaching dry.
In plaster casts of marble dying cries comma after marble
are mute. In placid pools of absent rue
the utter sounds of tragedy ring untrue.
In stone sepulchers, crafted bodies lie.
Displayed as husks these frozen bodies dry
the dying men of blood that Bled for you.

So we erected shrines to gods of war.
So we can build our young men brave. So they
can march to mummy tunes erected brave
and if they are not statuesque as myths
the young who dare not fight become with war
enamored. Wishing they were stony myths.



Original:

If you visit our shrines to warriors you
will find embalmed bodies bleached dry.
In plaster casts of marble dying cries
are muted. In placid pools no one rues
the utter sounds of tragedy ringing true.
In holy sepulchers false bodies lie.
Displayed corpses with frozen bodies dry
the dead men of their blood. Bled for you?

So we have erected shrines to our war gods.
So we can build our young men heroes. So they
can march to mummified tunes and be brave.
and if they are not brave let myths torture
the young who do not fight. Let them all crave
Glory won from slaughter. We create soldiers.

[Brownlie]

I tried to get rid of the repeating words and I believe I fixed the meter where Billy pointed it out as flawed. I am not happy with the last line what rhymes with heroes?

[milo]

the meter is better, you are missing a rhyme for "igms as", "rome" and heroes". Also, the double "so" intro lines are reading a wee bit padded methinks . . .

Your direction is good, keep chipping away.

[Brownlie]

the meter is better, you are missing a rhyme for "igms as", "rome" and heroes". Also, the double "so" intro lines are reading a wee bit padded methinks . . .

Your direction is good, keep chipping away.

Got rid of the repeated "so" and improved the rhyme. I think I may be learning something. Thank you for your help. I'm sure the poem is still not complete.