in the air

[anna randy]

There you are, there you aren’t.
It’s far too poetic to be real.

You’re light is artificial, then it’s real.
You confuse me.
You make me want to feel things that everyone wants to feel.
I’m scared, you come too close.
You go too far.

But. I’m transfixed.
Something so simple can be something so beautiful,
But nothing can be so easy.
I want you,
I want to show you, I want to be you.

Can you be captured,
In children’s jars, in children’s dreams?
I’ve seen you here tonight,
Come and go
Float past my face,
Stop and go, stop and go.

And then there you are,
You’re just a thing,
A beautiful thing.
You are all that we all want to be,
And you are completely unaware.

[ccfly]

This poem is very relatable and I love the last two sections. I would suggest showing a little more in the beginning.. for example how you do with the line "in children's jars, in children's dreams?"... very poetic. Try to do more visualization like that in the beginning. Excellent poem!

[anna randy]

thank you! I very much appreciate the comment!

[Brownlie]

There you are, there you aren’t.
It’s far too poetic to be real.

You’re light is artificial, then it’s real.
You confuse me.
You make me want to feel things that everyone wants to feel.
I’m scared, you come too close.
You go too far.

But. I’m transfixed.
Something so simple can be something so beautiful,
But nothing can be so easy.
I want you,
I want to show you, I want to be you.

Can you be captured,
In children’s jars, in children’s dreams?
I’ve seen you here tonight,
Come and go
Float past my face,
Stop and go, stop and go.

And then there you are,
You’re just a thing,
A beautiful thing.
You are all that we all want to be,
And you are completely unaware.

Not bad, I would urge you to elaborate on what is artificial and what is real.

[philoinlove]

I think that honestly a lot of the poem is cliche. I also dont know about comparing this object of desire to something that should be in a child's dream, although I do like the stand alone visual.

Also the line I want to be you is a little raw. It comes across strange.

Work on line breaks.

Thank you for the read.

[newsclippings]

There you are, there you aren’t.
It’s far too poetic to be real.

You’re light is artificial, then it’s real. Your
You confuse me.
You make me want to feel things that everyone wants to feel.
I’m scared, you come too close.
You go too far.

But. I’m transfixed.
Something so simple can be something so beautiful,
But nothing can be so easy.
I want you,
I want to show you, I want to be you.

Can you be captured,
In children’s jars, in children’s dreams?
I’ve seen you here tonight,
Come and go
Float past my face,
Stop and go, stop and go.

And then there you are,
You’re just a thing,
A beautiful thing.
You are all that we all want to be,
And you are completely unaware.

This sounds like a song I've heard before, a thousand times.

[canofworms]

I think you are using too many vague term. Although you are most likely trying to convey that you don't understand the object and you are transfixed.
There are to many somethings and things
"You make me want to feel things that everyone wants to feel."
"Something so simple can be something so beautiful, "
"You’re just a thing,
A beautiful thing."
What if you replaced thing with a word, like creature
You're just a creature,
A beautiful creature.
Or animal.
You're just an animal
A beautiful animal
or flower
or ghost
or being or angel
or mystical enchantress

Also... the line "But. I’m transfixed."
This should be a strong event. You are transfixed and cannot think or look at anything else. But you say it so casually.
The use of the contractions like I'm and you're make this seem more casual than I think you want it to be.
If you said. But I am transfixed (maybe even an exclamation !)

[Leanne]

moved to novice/ admin

[R.C. KITCHENS]

I like what your trying to do. Its very vague though. It's like you got an emotion and this is how you explain whatever it is. It could read as an emotion or a physical object your explaining. I just dont know, which is intriguing. I dont think you should change it.