Posts: 6
Threads: 1
Joined: May 2013
Revision 2
.....................
Behind the anonymity of the Avatar
bad boys bicker and banter
their lofty judgements.
They strap on silver spurs.
They never sleep,
crowing and clawing,
in cockfights of ego.
Masks are knocked askew.
Hints are dropped.
Who is Who,
and Who said
What?
Where is the Sage
who speaks few words,
yet shares his
Infinite Wisdom?
.......................................
Behind the anonymity of the Avatar
bad boys bicker.
They strap on silver spurs.
Never sleeping, crowing and clawing,
at this cockfight of egos.
Masks wear thin
as hints are dropped.
Who is Who and
Who said What?
Where is the Sage
who speaks few words,
yet shares His
Infinite Wisdom?
1st revision
Quote:original
Bad Boys Club
Behind the anonymity of the Avatar
bad boys bicker,
bantering lofty judgements about.
They strap on silver spurs
never sleeping,
crowing
and clawing,
at this cockfight
of egos.
Masks wear thin
as hints are dropped,
Who is Who,
and Who said
What?
Where is the Sage
who speaks few words,
yet shares
Infinite Wisdom
with the huddled masses?
Posts: 134
Threads: 12
Joined: Mar 2013
I love the first line, it really sets it up well. You have a good clue of the topic already by it and all that. I don't think the third line sounds right though, mainly the 'judgements about' part. I love the alliteration in the second line.
Really, the whole poem is good. I don't think you need so many line breaks, and I'm not sure about the last line as it doesn't fit in when I read it. Otherwise, I love it 
- Amy
(You wouldn't be surprised to know my parents did not christen me UnicornRainbowCake.)
Posts: 6
Threads: 1
Joined: May 2013
Bad Boys Club revision
Behind the anonymity of the Avatar
bad boys bicker.
They strap on silver spurs.
Never sleeping, crowing and clawing,
at this cockfight of egos.
Masks wear thin
as hints are dropped.
Who is Who and
Who said What?
Where is the Sage
who speaks few words,
yet shares His
Infinite Wisdom?
Thank You for the critique RainbowUnicornCake. I had not reworked this since I wrote it a few months ago. I liked your suggestions.
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
hi alch, i placed your edit above the original so people can better compare them. while i agree that the removed line feels awkward i do think you could use it in a different form. a suggestion would be something like;
blustering over lofty judgements.
i get a feel that the poem's really about more than mere discussion and more about trolls etc. i think you have the core of a decent poem that's needs a bit more image-wise. it sort of tales off near the end.
good effort.
(05-28-2013, 10:55 PM)Alchemist Wrote: Behind the anonymity of the Avatar i like the opening two lines, this one explains well that under our nics we're (some) still unknown
bad boys bicker. i do wonder if this line is a bit sexist 
They strap on silver spurs.
Never sleeping, crowing and clawing,
at this cockfight of egos. why not just 'in cockfights of ego'
Masks wear thin this could be expanded on as it's a little cliche.
as hints are dropped.
Who is Who and
Who said What?
Where is the Sage
who speaks few words,
yet shares His
Infinite Wisdom?
1st revision
Quote:original
Bad Boys Club
Behind the anonymity of the Avatar
bad boys bicker,
bantering lofty judgements about.
They strap on silver spurs
never sleeping,
crowing
and clawing,
at this cockfight
of egos.
Masks wear thin
as hints are dropped,
Who is Who,
and Who said
What?
Where is the Sage
who speaks few words,
yet shares
Infinite Wisdom
with the huddled masses?
Posts: 6
Threads: 1
Joined: May 2013
Revision 2
.....................
Behind the anonymity of the Avatar
bad boys bicker and banter
their lofty judgements.
They strap on silver spurs.
They never sleep,
crowing and clawing,
in cockfights of ego.
Masks are knocked askew.
Hints are dropped.
Who is Who,
and Who said
What?
Where is the Sage
who speaks few words,
yet shares his
Infinite Wisdom?
Billy, Thanks for your technical help. I'm still learning the ropes here Thank you also for your critique, I tried out some of your suggestions.
The piece is sexist. I wrote it after lurking on a discussion board. The men seemed to love tearing into each other I can't seem to get it up for a new ending. I will ponder that
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
have a look at line end commas, many of them could go.
good edit.
(05-28-2013, 10:55 PM)Alchemist Wrote: Revision 2
.....................
Behind the anonymity of the Avatar
bad boys bicker and banter
their lofty judgements.
They strap on silver spurs.
They never sleep, would 'and' work better than a 2nd 'they'?
crowing and clawing,
in cockfights of ego.
Masks are knocked askew.
Hints are dropped.
Who is Who,
and Who said
What?
Where is the Sage
who speaks few words,
yet shares his is 'his' needed?
Infinite Wisdom?
.......................................
Behind the anonymity of the Avatar
bad boys bicker.
They strap on silver spurs.
Never sleeping, crowing and clawing,
at this cockfight of egos.
Masks wear thin
as hints are dropped.
Who is Who and
Who said What?
Where is the Sage
who speaks few words,
yet shares His
Infinite Wisdom?
1st revision
Quote:original
Bad Boys Club
Behind the anonymity of the Avatar
bad boys bicker,
bantering lofty judgements about.
They strap on silver spurs
never sleeping,
crowing
and clawing,
at this cockfight
of egos.
Masks wear thin
as hints are dropped,
Who is Who,
and Who said
What?
Where is the Sage
who speaks few words,
yet shares
Infinite Wisdom
with the huddled masses?
Posts: 340
Threads: 204
Joined: May 2013
Behind the anonymity of the Avatar
bad boys
hmm sounds like me. if i was not a virgin to love i would say sure. bad boy. i guess. maybe..
ANYWAYS
great poem love the rhyme scheme? could you line it out of me. i would love to make a post from the perspective on a national touring musician that girls don't trust. maybe if i change my avatar to a flower?
(06-04-2013, 05:17 AM)Bunx Wrote: Behind the anonymity of the Avatar
bad boys
hmm sounds like me. if i was not a virgin to love i would say sure. bad boy. i guess. maybe..
ANYWAYS
great poem love the rhyme scheme? could you line it out of me. i would love to make a post from the perspective on a national touring musician that girls don't trust. maybe if i change my avatar to a flower?
that comment was conceded sorry 
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
--mark twain
Bunx
Posts: 848
Threads: 231
Joined: Oct 2012
The edits have really helped this piece shine, its great to see the workshop fully functional like this, your opening line is great puts me right at the heart of the topic, I like the idea of the sage riding into town to cut through the bullshit. Billy's suggestion to change the second 'they' to 'and' is a good one. Thanks, great work. TOMH
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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